Gratitude, "Positivity" and Memories!

 April 4, 2014

My parents are in Colorado this week staying with my brother and his family . . . they'll be home tomorrow.  My Dad was nervous about this trip and I was nervous too.  My Mom's even confused about her own home and husband . . let alone a new place with people she hasn't seen for months.  Other than being suspicious on the first day and wondering why this stranger would not take her home, I'm not sure how the rest of the week has gone.  I text my Dad yesterday and all he said was "Things are going okay but not perfect.  Mom still wants me to take her to her house . . . but we are having a great time."  I also just text my brother and sister-in-law and she (Jennie) said "She is doing okay.  Occasionally she gets it in her head that she needs to go back home but otherwise things are going just fine."  I hope it's really going fine.  I'm sure I'll be hearing more details later.

This journal/blog is so filled with the pains and hardships of this disease of Alzheimer's and our experiences with it.  I decided I want to add more "positivity"!  Here are some good and funny memories of my Mom from the past . . . 

My Mom, me, my sis-in-law Jennie, her new little one . .  a few years ago!

• I'll never forget a few days after being kissed for the first time, and I hadn't told anyone yet, except maybe a few friends.  I was playing the piano and my Mom walked in and asked me if I had kissed Matt (my now husband) at Junior Prom a few nights before.  I wanted so badly to tell her NO and have the subject dropped, but I just couldn't lie to her!  I think my face must have turned bright red and she was giggling.  I started to run and she chased me around the house, wanting more details of this big event!  I couldn't keep much from her!  :)  
• My Mom and I would often give each other scalp massages or take turns tickling each other's arms. I could practically put her to sleep!  She still loves that! 
• My Mom has always been a big shopper!  She always loved to shop and would often come home with different clothing items for me or my kids or my siblings etc.  For the last few years that she has had no purse or credit card, I think it's been very hard on her! I remember going school shopping with her every year and her being extra generous and letting me get pretty much what I wanted.  It was always me saying, "No Mom, I probably don't need that" or "You don't have to buy me that."  I think I was pretty spoiled!
• It wasn't unusual to see my Mom planting a big kiss on my Dad right in front of everybody!  I remember this usually happening in the kitchen when we were all sitting around!  I think she even did this up until just this past year!  I believe it's so healthy for kids to see their parents show affection towards each other!  My Mom has also been very generous with her hugs and kisses for us and all the grandkids too!  She still is!
• As kids growing up, we always got chores to do around the house that had to be done daily for a week at a time.  We either had to empty the dishwasher for the week or empty all the garbages etc.  Sometimes I would purposely and lazily "forget" just a few of the garbages, thinking my Mom would probably not notice, and I would leave for school hoping that was the case.  A few times I remember coming home from school to find those "missed" garbages emptied out onto my floor with the garbage can lying next to all the gross garbage.  What a smart Mom she was!  I learned my lesson quick! 
• There were a few times that my Mom got so fet up and frustrated with us six kids, that there were a few times that my Mom just got up and left, with none of us having a clue where she was going.  Returning 4 or so hours later, she would tell us she had driven down to Provo and went to a movie all by herself.  This was her way of rejuvenating herself . . . her therapy! I didn't understand why she did that when I was younger, and didn't like that she did . . . but now I COMPLETELY understand!  I have been tempted to do the same thing with my own six kids!  My therapy is taking off and going on a long walk somewhere!  I guess us Moms just need to do that every now and again!  
• My Mom was the best Santa Claus ever!  She spoiled us kids rotten, even to the point of I remember feeling a little embarrassed with some of my friends . . . because we got so much!  I now understand what she probably went through in trying to even it all out for all of us kids.  We Moms start to worry that maybe we got a few of our kids more than the others, so we head out to buy more for the others . . . and pretty soon you have bought all the kids TONS of gifts!  Now that I'm older, I realize how very fortunate and blessed I was and that that is not the way most people live!

Flashing back six years . . . . 

April 1, 2008                                                              Tuesday   
 
     The funny thing about this whole ordeal is that at one moment things will seem to be going so well.  My Mom will seem so with-it and happy, but then almost overnight it seems that it takes a turn for the worse.  Well, fortunately right now, things seem to be so good.  My parents are on one of their medical mission trips to the Philippines for 16 days and will be home Saturday.  Before they left I really felt that I had my old Mom back.  She seemed to be doing so well!  The night before they left my Mom called me just to say goodbye and to tell me she loved me and all of us.  Her memory seemed sharp and all seemed well.  I wonder if she’s taking some sort of medicine that is helping her.  Just last week I ran into two of my Mom’s tennis friends and had a nice little open chat with them about my Mom.  They also agreed that she seems to be doing better than she has in the past.  “She’s able to keep the score in tennis and is really playing well”, one of them said.  I hope this lasts for a long while!!  It’s good to feel that my Mom is somewhat back!
 
     I mentioned earlier in this journal what an emotional person I am.  I’ve always been very emotional when it comes to my family and their well being.  Ever since this all started happening with my Mom, I feel that I’m now even more emotional than ever, if that’s possible.  I used to laugh at my Mother-in-law whenever she would get teary eyed during a commercial on television or just at the drop of a hat it seemed.  I’m now the same way!  I find myself shedding tears for people on Oprah or on the news that have had bad things come their way.  I have little moments so often that I don’t even dare wear mascara on my lower eye lashes, in fear that it will smear all over, never knowing when one of my moments will come.  I think definitely I’m becoming more of an empathetic person through all of this!
 
I think for the most part I’ve come to terms with the fact that my Mom probably has Alzheimer’s disease and I’m able to get on with my life as normal for the most part.  My breakdowns about my Mom don’t happen as often as they used to, but I’m still surprised at how often I shed tears for her, and for me, and my Dad and my kids.  I don’t want my Mom to miss out on the lives of my children!  I want her in my life forever and I don’t want to live the remainder of my earth life without her.  I just can’t imagine life without her!  

My Mom with my three youngest a few years ago . . . 2012?

    
 I have to always remember the things that I am grateful for.  I am grateful for the fact that my Mom is doing as well as she possibly could be right now.  I’m grateful for my knowledge in the bigger picture in all of this.  We WILL get to live together forever someday.  I’m grateful that my Mom and Dad are still able to go on these medical mission trips and feel like they are making an important contribution to life.  I’m grateful that my parents are still invited to take many trips with various friends and are able to travel and enjoy life and the world around them.  I’m grateful for my Mom’s physical health.  Her body is strong and she is still able to play tennis and ride her bike, which she loves so much.  I’m grateful for a Mom and a Dad that have been such great examples to me in my life.  I’m grateful to know that trials make us stronger and we learn the things which we need.  Just recently within the last few weeks, a cute couple in our ward just lost their 5 ½ year old daughter to a brain tumor.  She battled an inoperable brain tumor for the last 10 months.  I just attended the funeral last week and was so inspired at their strength and eternal perspective.  We have to always remember that this is all just part of one big test.  This test was not intended to be easy -- just worth it!