The future scares me!

April 5, 2014

Mom and Jennie in Colorado!

My parents are on their way home from Colorado as I type.  I talked to my sis-in-law who they were staying with and she said "overall, we had a wonderful time!"  It is very much like Jennie to be so positive!  Knowing her and my brother, they made some great memories with my parents.  She mentioned that they did pedicures during General Conference and Jennie went on a bike ride with my Mom, and my Dad got some good quality time with my brother too!  The reality is, they don't think my Mom really knew or understood exactly who they were.  She kept talking about how she was wanting to just ride her bike home to see her family, and she was worried about her family back home and how they were probably worried about her.  I think they ended up calling my older sister Paige a few times so that my Mom could "check up on things at home."  She was sure that family at home was missing her!  Yes, or course we miss her, but SHE WAS WITH FAMILY and didn't even know it! 

 We are going over to my parent's house tomorrow for brunch (between conference sessions) and it will be interesting to see what she says about their trip! 

 

Pedicures in Colorado with one of the twins!

I talked with Jennie today about possibly planning a big family trip with all my siblings this summer in Jackson Hole.  It's hard to plan something like that when we have simply no idea what condition my Mom will be in in 3 months!? What do you do?  I have no idea!  

The future . . what's to come with this disease . . scares me!




Flashing back to 6 years ago . . . 
 


June 18, 2008

  
     This morning I read an obituary that hit me pretty hard.  “Diane England, 63, died peacefully Sunday, June 15, 2008 at home due to complications of Alzheimer’s disease.  She was surrounded by her family who loved her dearly. . .”  I cried as I read the whole obituary, thinking of the family and what they have gone through in the last few years.  And she was so very young!!  My Mom is 64 right now and I think it’s just way too young to be going through this!   

My daughter, sister, and Mom, April 2013

   Things continue to be going pretty well with Mom.  There are still occasional days that I think, “Oh no, could she be taking a small turn for the worse?” because she has her days that she’ll tell me the same thing over and over again.  Like a few weeks ago, they returned home from one of their medical trips and we were having dinner at their house.  She repeated over and over again how they hadn’t eaten for 24 hours and how hungry she was.  Other days like last Sunday (Father’s Day), they had just returned home from Africa earlier in the day, and she seemed really good and with it!  I’m so grateful for days like that.  The only thing I noticed that day was that she asked me about three times if I wanted a bowl of ice cream within just a few minutes, and I told her “no thanks” every time.  That short term memory is just where she struggles the most, but she was able to talk details about her trip and about things from her past.

    Something I’ve noticed quite gradually with my Mom is how she’s not as neatly dressed as she always has been.  She has always been such a nice and classy dresser and I always used to enjoy the fact that we are and were the same size and have always been able to share clothes.  Also, her hair and make-up aren’t done with the same effort as from years before.  She continues to get her hair done on a regular basis, which is helpful, and right now her hair is cut pretty short, which is probably for the best since it doesn’t require much effort to do it.  She still looks good, but I wonder at what point we need to step in and help her?? 

    An interesting thought . . . my children have never asked about my Mom’s memory loss or if anything is wrong.  I think it might be for the best for them not to know for as long as possible.  Why worry them?  What would that help?  My older kids might be aware of it, but they might not too.  Maybe they’ve heard me talk about it on the phone and they just don’t want to face the facts by talking about it.  I was fully aware of my Grandma’s memory loss for years, and so were most people, but we just didn’t talk about it much.  In fact, I didn’t realize until after her death that it was probably Alzheimer’s disease that she ultimately died from.  (Some have since said it was just dementia, so I'm really not sure at this point.)  I just knew that she had memory loss that got worse and worse through the years. 

    One of the things I worry about most about with all of this is my Mom being left out amongst her friends.  She’s been super sensitive about this lately and has felt a little left out.  She’s always been so social and has always had a lot of good friends.  She told me about an incident a few months ago where she was at a book group or something with a group of her lady friends, and two of her very best friends left early together, without saying anything, to go somewhere.  She was fully aware that they were going somewhere without her and that hurt her feelings.  I asked her if she said anything to them later and she said, “No, it wouldn’t be worth it to bring it up again!"  I also mentioned that I saw a few of her friends at Women’s Conference down in Provo and I think she might have wondered why she wasn’t invited.  I hope her good friends stick by her and realize how aware she is! 

    Another one of my biggest worries is that one of these days my Mom is going to get lost and we’re not going to find her.  I really hope that never happens!  We had a few instances with my Grandma years ago where she went to take a walk around the block and got turned around.  We lost her for a few hours.  I also dread the day that my Mom can’t be left alone and we all have to take turns watching her.  I know that is the very last thing that my Mom would ever want . . .  to have to be watched like a child!  If and when that day arrives, I will do my best to help her to keep as much of her dignity as possible! 

In a couple of weeks my Dad is going to take one of those medical trips across the world without my Mom.  I’m a little nervous about her being home alone, but fortunately my brother and his wife and little daughter Ashley are living in their basement right now and so hopefully between her and my sister Paige who lives close by, they will keep an eye on her. 

    I really shouldn’t dwell on all these negative points.  I need to be talking more about the positive things for my own good.  All those negative thoughts really get me down and at this moment I have big elephant tears dropping off my face.  I need to pull myself together now since my kids will be waking up soon and I have to go to a primary meeting.  Until next time . . . I love that I have my computer friend to share all my feelings with! :)