Dad's Christmas Message, 2014

December 24, 2014
 

Mom with my two oldest in about 1997!

Last Sunday (three days ago) we had a Sunday dinner at my parent's house. It was our usual Sunday dinner that we have with them each month, but we also gathered because my brother and his family were in town from Idaho. We love it when they are in town! 

I've noticed lately that my Mom doesn't participate in our family conversations much anymore. She either sits quietly or gets up and wanders or works on the dishes. I don't think she's able to follow our conversations very well anymore.  Up until just recently, she would try so hard to follow our conversations, asking many questions, but I'm noticing that's happening less and less. I'm thinking it's because she is now frequently confused about who everyone is.

She did something the other night that I've never seen her do before. As some of us were sitting around the dining room table talking after dinner, I watched her lean up against the wall by the front door with her coat in hand, as if she was waiting for someone and in deep thought. I called her name, "Mom" a few times, with no response whatsoever. She seemed very confused.  After a few minutes I walked up to her and asked her what she was doing. She told me that she was wanting to go home, but that "he" (my Dad) would not take her. "I'm so tired and want to go home and he won't take me home." I tried to explain to her that she was in fact home, and even took her into her room to show her that she was home where she should be. I was not successful at all in convincing her. She told me that she had just been staying there and was tired and ready to go home. As I could feel my emotions start to emerge about the whole situation, a great distraction occurred.  My cousin who just returned home from her mission last week showed up at our door!  She was just dropping by to say "hello" and I was so thankful for her and her good timing. Thanks Mary!  That got my Mom's mind off the subject of wanting to go home and we continued to have a good night. My Mom even participated in singing with us around the piano . . as she's always done. 

Here is a short video of some of us singing "Silent Night" . . . 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zgc26_2Dio&list=UUFD4QSKeAsJKcxdHYDIF-5w    

Earlier on that Sunday, my Dad spoke in their Sacrament Meeting during their choir Christmas program. I was sad to miss it, but was also participating in my own Christmas meeting in my own ward.  My sister told me all about his talk and I was anxious to get my hands on a copy of it! Of course my Dad made me a copy . . . and I read it right away. I love the message and great reminders to us . . . of what in the world this earth life is all about! Here it is . . .

      "One day, in the distant past, each of you attended a meeting, or perhaps a series of meetings. You can’t remember these sessions because they happened before you came to earth, when you were in the life before this one—they happened during your premortal life.  In those meetings, your Heavenly Father and perhaps his Son Jesus Christ, or someone they designated, met with you. They explained what lay ahead for you here on earth. Much of what you learned in those sessions was exciting. But it seems likely there were also some parts of what you learned that were frightening. For example, you were told you were going to earth to learn and be tested. And the purpose of this earth is to give you the opportunity to be judged worthy to return home to live forever in the celestial heaven with your heavenly parents, with your Lord Jesus Christ, and with all members of your extended family who are also successful in earning their way back. The thing that likely frightened you, and all of your friends who were with you in those sessions, was that not all of you would be successful in earning your way back home. Some of you would lose track of your eternal goal and be carried away by things of the world. Your success in the world would become more important to you than your yearnings to make your way back home.

          The purpose of my talk today is to remind you that there is someone who is even more concerned and apprehensive than you are about your getting to return home. In fact, the very purpose of his life and work is to make sure you get there (Moses 1:39). This person is deeply committed to do anything he can to encourage and inspire you to keep eternal things uppermost in your mind. Who is he? You’ve already guessed that he is the very person whose birth we celebrate today. He is Jesus Christ, our elder spirit brother and our Lord and God. Today, I’m going to tell you briefly three important things about this individual you must remember. I don’t want you to remember them just today, but it’s vital that you remember them every day.

High school cheerleading days at East High in the late 50's!

His love for you. The first thing I want to tell you is what happens in his heart when he thinks about you. For several years, while our kids were still at home, each spring, Merrilee and I would begin to plan our summer vacation. I remember several times when Merrilee would say to me: “I’ve decided what we should do this summer. Let’s just load up all our kids in the van and set off down the road. It doesn’t even matter where we go. The important thing is that we will all be there in the car together. We can stay in motels. We can talk and share experiences. While we’re with them, we can be sure that all of them are safe and we can hug and interact with each of them any time we want. I really think that sounds fun, don’t you?  What do you think?" I would usually respond by saying, “. . . Really?  Are you sure?” I must admit that I always wondered why my ideas of a good vacation were different than my wife’s. I always concluded that it was just the difference between the mother and the father.

          There is no doubt that there is nothing quite like maternal love. It seems that each mother develops a profound insight and an intense attachment to her children soon after they are born. I think this unique maternal love is a special revelation provided each and every mother. The intimate and true identity of every child is revealed to her at about the same time she begins to bond with her infant child. And she never forgets that knowledge and insight. Fathers love their children too, but their approach sometimes seems to be a bit more practical.

          So what about the Savior? We certainly know that he is all man. No one is tougher or more manly than he is. Yet, I have to reveal something about him to you. I hope he’s not embarrassed or angry with me for pointing this out. Listen to this account, and tell me whether you think it sounds like it’s describing a father or a mother? This individual one day sat on a hill overlooking the city of Jerusalem and spoke to the people of Jerusalem. This is what was said: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem . . . how often would I have gathered [thee] together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under [her] wings, and ye would not!” (Matthew 23:37).  This person yearned to gather his or her children close around him or her, like a hen gathers her chicks. He or she would then know they are secure and safe. Well, you already know who this hen was . . . our Lord Jesus Christ. His love for us is just like a mother’s love but even more perfect.

          The fact is that he loves you as an individual more than you can even understand with your mortal mind. While you may learn hints of how he feels, you cannot actually completely understand his love for you. He desperately wants you home with him forever. There are billions and billions of people who have lived on this earth, but he does not love you just because he loves all these billions and billions. The fact is—and we’re not yet given to understand how he does this—he loves you as an individual and knows you intimately. He knows your name and everything about you. 

          We have reason to believe that the very purposes of his life have little to do with bettering himself. He is fixated on you and your situation. He yearns to have you home one day to live with him forever. The rules of mortality don’t allow him to appear directly to you, but he would have you know that he is always there, right alongside of you. And he has requested that the Holy Ghost make it possible for you to feel that presence from time to time as you wish.

          The metaphor of the walled city.  The second thing you must remember about him is that he has very cleverly placed each of you here today in a particular situation. And again, it is to ensure that you one day will come home to him. This situation is called “a ward.”  A ward?  Am I referring to the Monument Park 12^th Ward? I am. Let me tell you just how he sees this ward and all other wards.  This is made clear in the Old Testament where he uses a metaphor or symbol of the ward to teach its importance.

          In the world, there rages a clamoring of turmoils, evils, and dangers. The people “on the streets” of this world are buffeted and manipulated and constantly placed in physical, emotional, and spiritual danger. It is not safe to be out in this world. But there is in this world a city with very thick, impenetrable, and secure walls. This city represents the Monument Park 12^th Ward, or any ward. When you enter the ward, you enter the city. The heavy door shuts behind you, and all the dissonant noises cease. You notice that there is a quiet spirit of peaceful security in this fortified city. Those who are already there greet you warmly and minister to your needs. They want you to feel comfortable, safe, and loved. They will repeatedly remind you of the rules to make certain you remain in this type of environment throughout your time on earth. In this city you will become just like them. The other people there become more important to you than you are to yourself. You come to want to always be with them and be like them. And you don’t want that relationship to ever end.

          While the wards in the Church may sometimes fall short of this ideal, I want you to know that I personally, over the past almost 40 years in this ward have found this metaphor to be true here in our ward. I cannot adequately describe to you the depth of my experiences and my feelings for you, my ward family.  For those of you as old as I am, we’ve grown old together and we’ve had, at times, to cling to each other to get through it all. I’m profoundly grateful for all you have done for me and for my family and I want to live with you forever. And this is just exactly the way the Lord wants it. In his own spiritual way, he is a member of our ward and enfolds all of us in his arms.

          His understanding of you and your situation is perfect. Just one further thing about him. And for this last characteristic, he paid an unbelievable high price. He understands and empathizes with you in your individual and unique situation perfectly. He knows and feels your joys, your problems, your misgivings, your adversities, your worries, your tragedies, your sorrows. And he doesn’t know these things because he has read about them or because he was told about them or because he observed them. He knows them because he has personally experienced every one of them. For about 21 hours in the Garden of Gethsemane and nailed to a cross at Calvary, his Father—our Heavenly Father—orchestrated a desperately dreadful experience that finally caused Jesus's death. We refer to this as his atoning sacrifice, and he had previously freely agreed to suffer it. And because of it, he has perfect empathy and intimately understands each of us.

Wedding day - July 31, 1964

          Does this mean he knows the loneliness of those who don’t fit in or don't feel handsome or pretty? Does he know what it’s like to choose up teams and be the last one chosen? Does he know the anguish of parents whose children go astray? Does he know the private hell of the physically, emotionally or sexually abused child or spouse? Has he experienced profound depression or anxiety? Does he know what it’s like to be bereaved of a loved one? Has he experienced the pain of losing one’s job and being unable to support a family? Has he experienced every physical agony and fear associated with terminal diseases? Has he suffered extreme starvation? Has he experienced the degradation of profound addiction? Does he know the indignity and despair of slowly becoming profoundly demented? He does. He does.

          Please believe me when I say that—today at this Christmas season and every day for the rest of your mortal life—he is there right next to you. He would take you in his arms and hug you if the conditions of mortality allowed. You are literally never alone, and there is no companion quite like him."

May we remember these things . . . and the reason for the season!  Merry Christmas!

Mom's first and last journal entries!

December 16, 2014

Almost our whole gang at my youngest's football championship game, Nov 2014

I have spent some time in the last month or so reading through my Mom's journals from the last half of her life. My Mom is 71 years old now, and when she was 34, she started keeping a journal. It's possible she may have kept a journal as a child but if so, I haven't found those yet. In my possession are three of her journals: 2 full journals and one that is about half full, the first one starting in the year 1978, when I was nine years old.  Here is the first paragraph of her first journal entry from March, 1978:

"Claiming no literary genius, I begin this journal just to jot down my daily thoughts and actions so that #1 I may pause each day to express my feelings, #2 As a remembrance of my middle years, and #3 As an insight for my future generations as to what emotions, problems and joys a 34 year old mother of 5 feels in 1978."

Since I have run out of my own past journal entries about my journey with my Mom and her Alzheimers disease, I think I will now start including journal entries from her journals . . . to give you a glimpse into her active, productive, challenging, joyful, service-oriented, full and wonderful life!  My fear is that her first 60 years of life will be forgotten because of the decline in her mind in the last 10+ years.  Will my kids only remember her for her memory loss and forgetfulness?  I want to make sure that friends and family remember her good old days!  

Her journals are filled with fabulous and priceless nuggets that reveal her true, awesome self, and here are just a few examples: 

April 24, 1978:  ". . . we just spent family home evening with Grandma Margaret and Grandpa Bill, eating turkey dinner in honor of Patricia's (my aunt's) birthday.  After coming home and working on my mutual lesson on temple marriage, I have realized what a short period of time this earth life really is - so many trials and tests.  If we only could keep this "temporary earth life" perspective always, so that we might make the most of our time and appreciate life -- curb our anger, offer love more freely, etc.  I'm so grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the gospel!"

April 4, 1981:  "I don't express often enough how grateful I am for all of my blessings - particularly my children and husband and the church.  If I could ever have one wish, it would be to have all of us live so that we can be together always. I pray that my children might have testimonies and marry in the temple. But more than marrying in the temple, that they might feel the satisfaction of an eternal and happy family themselves. I also pray for motivation for my children -- motivation to develop talents, to do well in school, to be honest and hard working, and to also be sensitive and kind and of service to others.  In the case that my children (and grandchildren) might read this someday when I am dead, I hope you will be turned outward and not inward, not always worrying about yourself, but others. This is hard to do unless your self esteem is high and you feel good about yourself, and then thoughts are more easily turned to others. Do for others constantly.  It's 12:20am and I'm tired . . . my message is not eloquent, but sincere.  I love you kids, and your father!"

As my Mom started showing signs of her disease in 2001-2002, only six pages of journal has been written since that time. Those six entries are different than the rest.  Her handwriting is pretty much her same, pretty cursive handwriting, but the entries are not as organized, things are crossed out, arrows are pointing to other pages, topics jump around quite a bit and they are not as thorough as the years before. For example, instead of giving an update of the whole family, she only gives updates of a few of us kids. Here is her last sobering entry, written in January, 2009 . . .

January 6, 2009
"I am frightened that I am losing my memory like my Dad did at age 50.  It is frightening to say the least.  I don't want to be a vegetable in a healthy, strong body.  I am only 66!  That used to seem old but doesn't anymore. :)  I guess I will just have to trust in the Lord."

This makes me sad to know how much she probably feared this disease in private!  I can only imagine her fear of what this disease would bring in her future! 

At this point in her disease, her abilities to read and write and dress and do her own hair and make up are gone and I know that my Mom would not remember most of the experiences she has written about in these journals. Her memories are slowly but surely dying, and interestingly, especially the ones from the last 40+ years! The memories that seem most clear to her are of the time she was younger and living with her parents, with the gully in her backyard, and when she was in high school and young and looking for a job. Currently she talks frequently about wanting to find a job, wanting to go explore in the gully and about her Mom and Dad. 

Reading these journals brings up so many emotions and feelings. I've always known my Mom to be a service-oriented, loving, happy, caring person, and I love to remember the good times and read about all that, but I also like to read about her struggles, her disappointments, frustrations, and sad moments. She was so normal and I can relate to her in so many ways . . . the stress, the joys, the good and the bad.  It makes me feel that maybe my life of the ups and the downs is pretty normal too!  

I want to make sure her life in her good, healthy years is never forgotten! If my Mom were in her normal mind, I have a feeling she would tell you that she was not perfect by any means, and she would probably even say that she made many mistakes along the way, but to me, she will always be one of my greatest heroes.  I hope to one day be the loving, caring person she has always been! 

Living in San Francisco in the early 70's

I continue to go on a weekly outing with my Mom . . . most weeks.  We have lucked out with the weather and usually manage to squeeze in a walk or hike most of the time.  We both love to be outdoors and the weather has cooperated beautifully so far.  We have been on some great adventures!

I continue to see small turns for the worse every time I see her.  I've seen her put her coat on inside out or upside down and she'll have simply no idea that anything is wrong. Her sense of style is completely gone, as she will be found wearing my Dad's gym socks and  her tennis shoes with nicer pants and doesn't seem to care a bit. "It will be fine," she says.  (My Dad is doing a great job helping her dress and do her hair by the way.)  She accuses friends and close family of stealing her shoes and other items and can not be convinced otherwise.  She makes up stories about things that she has done and I'm often left to wonder how much of her stories are true, or where these stories are coming from?  A few weeks ago she was telling me that she went down to "Mike's Tennis", where she has often played tennis, and she "played this funnest game . . kind of like water tag where you run around and chase each other."  She wanted me to go down and play with her.   

Field trip to Hogle Zoo - Fall 2014

I'm sure that I don't even know the half of what really goes on at their house with my Dad and my sister.  I think they probably keep a lot from me, as not to worry me, but I'm sure their stories are endless. 

My Dad often gets calls from caring neighbors that see my Mom out walking by herself, just making sure that my Dad knows where she is.  There was an incident over Thanksgiving weekend where she walked away and got lost and after an hour or two, my Dad felt he had no other choice but to call the police to help them in their search. That's the first time that has happened, and I hope the last! Luckily I didn't hear about it until later that afternoon, and all turned out for the best!   

My Mom is forgetting even us close family members and often seems confused as to who we all are.  Although I feel like most of the time she remembers me, she will sometimes ask me questions out of the blue like "What is your full name?" and "How many kids do you have?" "Where did you grow up?" or "Where do you live?"  

On frequent occasions I can tell that my Mom has no idea who someone is, but her social graces are still intact and she continues to fake it pretty well.  She is usually her friendly self and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.  "I can't believe you drive all the way here to come be with me!" she says.  "You are so nice to do that.  I know you have a lot to do! " Her sense of humor is still quite good too and she understands a lot of jokes.  I guess that part of her brain is still doing great, thank goodness! 

Well, there you have it . . . a little update about my great Mom!  Sorry for the big gap between this blog entry and the last!  Happy Holidays to you all!   

Perhaps Her Trial is Over!

October 5, 2014

The trials we face in this life are just so interesting!  They are so varied from person to person and family to family! Some are outwardly obvious, and others, and probably most, are not obvious at all. Some trials are brought on by ourselves and others just happen. Trials can come in so many forms: losing a child, anxiety and depression, having a wayward child, not being able to conceive a child, cancer, Parkinson's disease, financial stress, not being able to hold down a job, divorce, dealing with sickness in a child or loved one, being abused in some form, becoming paralyzed, Alzheimer's disease, addictions and so on!

In the late 70's or early 80's! Isn't she a beauty?!

Do you think we were able to choose what trials we would have in the pre-life, or are they just random?  I often find myself wondering if I chose my trials or if this is all by happen chance? When I was younger I remember hearing in church that there would not be a person on the earth that wouldn't have to face trials in life, but that we would not get more than we can handle. I always wondered what mine would be. Would I get big, massive trials, or would I just have many small trials throughout this earthly journey?  I recall thinking that the worst possible trial I could ever get would be to deal with the illness or death of one or both of my parents. I was sure then that was a trial I would never be able to handle. But interestingly, now, as I go through this slow process of losing my Mom who I love so much, I now know and realize that it IS something that I CAN handle!

I have cried a million tears, and probably have many thousands more to go, but overall I feel a peace about it all that I have never felt before!  I never thought I could get to this point of acceptance and calmness. I really didn't think I could do it and never imagined that I would be able to hold myself together as I often have been able to do lately. I've always been a pretty emotional person, and especially when it comes to my family.  Yes, I still have my moments of breaking down, but they are much less frequent now and much shorter lived. Every now and again, usually out of the blue, it will hit me that my Mom, the real her, my outgoing, talented, dynamo Mom is not here anymore, and that makes me sad. 

The thought came into my mind the other day as I drove home from her house that her trial is now perhaps over. Could it be? Life is still not easy for her as I watch her pace around her house, wondering what to do with herself, and wanting so badly to get a job, but her insight is quickly leaving about what is happening to her. I believe this trial is now just ours . . . my Dads, mine, my siblings, her ward members and friends.  Apparently there are still lessons that we need to learn!  Perhaps we still have more patience to learn, or more compassion, or more empathy?

An oldie of my older sister, Dad, Mom and Me . . . Thanksgiving, 1970

Every Friday for the last 5 or so weeks, my younger sister Katie and I have been meeting at my parent's house for a few hours. We have taken on the project of organizing the literally thousands of photos that my Mom has taken over the last almost 50 years. We counted over 100 photo albums when we first started and we are probably about half way done taking the photos out of the albums and stacking them into piles by the year. We throw away some, put some in a pile to give away, and the rest we are going to scan and digitize to give to family. It's a huge task but it's actually kind of fun going down memory lane every Friday and having a chance to talk to my sisters and Mom and Dad. The reality is that it will probably take us at least a year to finish, but that's ok because we are in no hurry.  

My Mom's condition continues to worsen just a little more each week. She seems to be losing much of her insight and awareness and seems confused by most conversations. Her hearing is not great and her eyesight is not the best and I often wonder if it has to do with the disease or just that she is getting older?  I'm thinking it's the disease!  Unfortunately, when we go to show her a photo, she is not able to see who the people are, and often doesn't even look to the direction of the photo, but beyond it.  She comments as if she has seen it, but I really think she doesn't.  I have also noticed that when I've been on recent walks with her, she points out people along the way that aren't really there.  It's usually just a colorful tree or something else . . . and she often confuses where we are and is worried about getting home on time. During conversations, my Mom will often ask what was just said and often repeats back what she thinks we've said, in confusion. 

We got together today with extended family to have lunch and watch the last session of General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My Mom was her usual loving and happy self, as she makes comments and asks her usual questions like "Isn't this a good looking group of kids?" or "How is your family doing?" and "What's new in your life?"  She seemed a little agitated though after lunch as we sat there watching Conference all together.  She kept getting up and going somewhere and then coming back a few minutes later.  Towards the end of the Conference, she went up to my Dad and said that she was really confused and wondered when she could go home. My Dad assured her that she WAS home and she got frustrated that my Dad was only confusing her more.  "Yes Mom," I added, "you are home!  You are probably just thrown off because of all these people here." I believe when there are a lot of people around, it does make the situation harder. 

Oh my poor Mom!  And my poor Dad! I can tell my Dad is tired and seems a little sad at times. He tries to stay positive but I can only imagine how hard it would be to deal with that on a daily and probably hourly basis with her. Of course he's sad at times! His wife that he has known and loved for 50 years is no longer there for him!    

As my sister was leaving with her hubby and 5 girls this afternoon, my Mom asked me what her name was.  She said that she should probably write her name down so that she could remember her name for next time.  And then she said a few times, "How embarrassing that I didn't even remember her name!" That sister is the one who just moved back from being out of state for the last 5 years and so I assured my Mom that it was most likely because she hadn't seen her very much lately.  I think that made her feel better! 

My cousin came over to my parent's house today for a few minutes with her hubby and two little girls and the same thing happened with them. When they left, my Mom asked her name and then went to get a piece of paper to write it down.  Although it was her brother's daughter that she used to know well, I could tell that she had no idea who she really was, although she cordially gave her a big hug. It was so interesting to watch my Mom write my cousin's name on a piece of paper as I told her how to spell it. She would pause with each letter and then scribble out something. The first name was not legible at all, but the last name was pretty good. It was nice to see that she can still somewhat write, but then so sad at the same time to see her struggle so much to write a simple name.

I want to remember something my Mom said to me about my Dad tonight.  As we sat in their den, as my Dad was downloading something onto an Ipod and in deep concentration, my Mom and I sat there watching him as I tickled her scalp which she loves. She said, "That guy right there is a great blessing to me!  I don't know what I would do without him . . . He came into my life at just the right time . . . He's been a great friend and is real nice to me!"  Although she was talking about him as if he was hired help, I thought it was a nice thing to say.  My Dad didn't pay too much attention to it, but I thought it was sweet! 
       
So there's the latest update on my great Mom who I love more than words can express!  I'm not sure what all I am learning from these experiences with her, and what I am yet to learn, but I know it's changing me forever!  She continues to teach me valuable lessons even in this final stage of Alzheimer's disease! 

I have been so so blessed!!

August 28, 2014

 "I have been so so blessed!" were the words that came out of my Mom's mouth last week as she stood at her kitchen sink doing their dishes.  Dishes is one thing that she can still do pretty well, although I believe the dishes aren't placed as orderly as they used to be.  I listened with a special intensity as she seemed to talk out of her normal brain for just a few minutes.  She went on to say, "You gotta hand it to your Dad (lately she calls my Dad "that guy that is staying with her.") for putting up with a lady that has no memory!  You know, I am so lucky to still have full use of my physical body.  I'm not in bed suffering from some physical ailment. I have been so blessed!  I had a good mother, a good Dad, a great family, and have had so many wonderful opportunities in my life!"  I agreed with her and we continued to talk about all the places she has traveled in the world, about all the great opportunities she has had and about many of the things she has accomplished.  It was good to hear her say those things and I hope she can hang on to those memories!

A few days ago on the phone, after talking to my Dad, my Mom got on the phone and said, "How are you Mardi?  I've missed you. How are things going at your house?" We talked for a few minutes about our little outing that we are going to have tomorrow . . . and again, I felt like, for just a few minutes, that I am catching glimpses of the real her . . her old, happy self!  I love it! 

Unfortunately that clarity is so unusual these days!  Her insight seems to be going by the week and by the day.  I haven't been around her a whole lot lately as I've been getting my kids ready to go back to school and all the busyness that comes with that!  I've heard though from my Dad, and mostly from my older sister Paige, that she seems to be losing that insight that she has held onto for so long.  Things that have been so commonly understood are now becoming odd things to her.  For example, they were watching a show on tv the other day, my sister said, and there were two people, a man and woman, that started kissing.  She asked what they were doing and why they would do that?  My Dad has also mentioned to me a few times lately that her insight is definitely going!   

My sister Katie and I -- my younger sister that just moved back into town after being in Hawaii for the last 5 years -- are going to try and get together at my parent's house about once a week to organize all of the photos that my Mom has taken over the years.  Up until about the last 5 years, my Mom has always been a HUGE picture taker.  For those of you who know her can probably picture her with her camera up to her eye, with her pinky finger standing straight up.  I find that I'm a lot like her in this regard . . . I love taking photos too!  I remember my Mom taking her camera everywhere we went!  They have albums and albums of probably thousands of photos, and fortunately most of them have the dates and names of the people written on the back of them, which will definitely make our job easier.  My sister and I are going to take all the photos out of the albums, organize them by year and family, get rid of some, and digitize the best ones for all the family.  Katie and I got together for our first "session" last Friday for a few hours and my Mom sat at the table to help us.  Her "helping" us makes the job a little harder as she kept picking up photos from the different piles and asking questions about them . . . but it's alright!  It's always good to spend time with her, regardless!  Bless her heart!  She kept asking us if she could get copies of these photos and  wondered how much she owed us for them.  Every once in a while, too, she would look around the room and say, "we are home, aren't we?"  She was getting so into our conversation about these photos that I think she honestly would temporarily forget where she was. 

I still am not sure if my Mom's eyesight is just getting really poor or if she can't process people's faces when she looks at these photos.  Maybe it's just her close up vision that's not good?  She didn't seem to know who anyone was in any of the photos!  We would tell her who was in each photo and she seemed to enjoy the time remembering certain people and talking about them.


Flashing back to 4 years ago . . .

July 23, 2010

A few common phrases said by my Mom lately . . . . .

"Will you play a song for me in my funeral?"  It bothers me that she's thinking about her funeral already!

"The mosquitoes love me . . . they think I’m delicious!" I think she has always been one to get a lot of mosquito bites, and this is something I have heard her say often. 

"You need to get in your own pictures! Have you been in any of your own photos?"  Whenever I am taking photos of her or anyone else, without fail she asks if I have been in any of my photos.  She always insists that she take a photo of me with my camera. 


The last 4 or so months, I have been asking her questions about her life in this Memory Book . . . I'm so glad I’m doing this.  She loves talking about these memories and they are things she can mostly remember.  Trying to come up with one of her friends or ward member’s names is difficult, but talking about her grade school friends is like it was yesterday!

Here are a few of the memories from that Memory Book:

• Me:  "How did you get to school?"
• My Mom:  I walked to and from elementary school each day with Marie Kibbe (sp?), my next door neighbor . . and with Elaine Rich Anderson.  We used to waltz to school and we laughed all the way!" 
• Me:  "Did you ever skip school?"
• My Mom:  "No, not in elementary school for sure!  I was a down-the-line kind of kid and didn't skip school.  I guess you could say I was 'pure'."  
• Me:  "What school activities, sports, or clubs did you participate in?"
• My Mom:  "I did cheerleading every year from 10th through 12th grade. I was a JV cheerleader the first year and then a Varsity the last 2 years.  And then I was in dance club my senior year." 

The big 50th wedding Anniversary this month!

50 Years of Marriage . . . on July 31st!!

July 17, 2014

Summer always seems to fly by!  I always assume me and my kids are going to have so much down time in the summer to go to the pool and have our lazy days, but for some reason those down days are becoming less and less of the norm.  My life seems to be getting more and more complicated the older I get and the older my kids get, although I always assumed the opposite would be true!  As kids in the home get older and start to move out, wouldn't you think that life would get a little less chaotic?  I guess not!  I have four remaining kids at home ranging in ages from 9-17, and keeping all their schedules straight, and making sure they are all entertained can be a challenge sometimes!  

Right now I am fortunate to be enjoying two days of this "down time" I'm talking about.  Matt (my hub) has a speech he's doing here in Napa Valley, California, and the company he's speaking for was nice enough to fly me here too . . for a little getaway/work trip!  I just so happen to be sitting out by the pool right now on a breezy, 80 degree, heavenly day.  I'm feeling a bit spoiled right now!  

It's been a little while since I've updated this blog, so I thought this might be a great chance to do so!  Here is the latest update about my fabulous Mom and her Alzheimers disease . . .  

Things seem to be getting a little bit worse with each week that I see her.  Although she still seems to know who I am most of the time, I am watching her slowly but surely forget all the details about her family and friends around her.  Most boggling to me is how she has forgotten who my Dad is most of the time!  I don't understand it.  The person who wakes up next to her, drives her places, helps her dress and pick out her clothes . . the one who does her hair, takes her to get her haircut, and does virtually everything for her is now mostly seen as "the guy who is staying with her" while her husband is at meetings or playing tennis.  

I can only imagine the loneliness my Dad probably feels on a daily basis.  Fortunately he has us kids and neighbors and church friends that are here to help and support him, but he's still got to feel frustration, sadness and loneliness on a regular basis! And of course that makes me sad!  I really think he looks at this time in his life as a huge learning time.  He knows the big picture of this temporary earthly experience and knows darn well it's "not the real life" . . . . . but a test . . a very hard test!  But still!  Even with that knowledge, it doesn't make it any easier!  I'm left to wonder how long he has to endure it all!  You would think it would take as long as it takes for us to learn the lessons we need to learn, but I'm feeling like it's dragged on long enough . . for him anyway!

At the cabin . . . "10th Annual, but 1st Actual" family triathlon!

Over the 4th of July weekend, a large handful of us extended family went up to my Mom's family cabin up above Oakley, Utah.  My immediate family went, as well as my Mom and Dad and sister and her family . . . and lots of cousins and aunts and uncles.  My Mom's normal routine would be to make the rounds to all of the various family members and find out what they are up to and how they are doing.  That's just always what she's done.  I didn't find her doing that this time, but instead she seemed confused as to who everyone was . . . even me on occasion, as she would pass me and give me a nice smile as if I was her niece she hadn't seen for a while, or something.  We all had a good time though, getting caught up on each other's lives and bonding with the fam!   

Last week my Dad invited my hub Matt and I up to a little town in Utah called Peoa.  Their good friends invited them up to their cabin (or fancy, amazing lodge) to see a music program with some high school students performing some numbers from a recent Les Mis production they put on at their school.  It was amazing!  I love stuff like that!  It was fun to go on a date with my parents!  I watched my Mom in amazement as she socialized with various people after the program.  She is just as socially gracious as ever, and continues to laugh and have a sense of humor like always, but I've been wondering lately if she says things that may embarrass my Dad in public?  I'm thinking that it's probably happening more and more lately as her condition worsens.  My Dad doesn't always stay with her during socializing, but let's her usually roam around to different people as usual.  It's probably easier to let her go and not know what is said between them.  A few weeks ago when I went out to get sushi with the two of them, my Mom kept telling our waitress that she looked like Mafi "a lady from home" . . . the gal that helps clean their house and watch over my Mom at home. My Dad was not comfortable with her repeating that at all, but the waitress kept saying, "it's ok" as if she knew what my Mom's situation was.  Some people are very intuitive! 

We ended up leaving the social gathering early that night . . . my Dad said it was because he didn't want to drive too late and in the dark, which I totally believe, but I also think it's because he's not so comfortable lately in social situations like that with my Mom!  Oh, my Mom, in her right mind, would feel so bad if she only knew!  She loves social gatherings like that and would have stayed all night if allowed.  She must have said two or three times as we drove home that night that it was "so fun to see people that I haven't seen in ages!"  My Mom and I are a lot alike that way . . . liking to chat with people and be social.  Our husbands on the other hand . . . . . 

I noticed my patience level that night in the car, to and from Peoa, not being where it should be and where it usually is with my Mom.  As we chatted back and forth, I found that my Mom kept interrupting the conversations with questions about what we were talking about, and then repeating back what she thought we said, which was usually quite far from what was actually said.  To patiently respond to that every time is difficult and I felt bad for my lack of patience!  My Dad experiences that on a daily and hourly basis and I think he's a saint for doing so!  Way to go Dad!  You can do this!  We can do this!  Let's continue to be patient with this woman that we love so dearly!  Let us not forget the amazing and beautiful life she has lived, the joy she has brought into our lives and the valuable lessons we have learned from her!

A few months ago I figured out that my parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the end of this month!  50 years!  Can you believe it?  Not surprisingly, a lot of my friends and acquaintances parents are also celebrating the same occasion . . . and I have noticed lately (on Facebook and Instagram) how many people are celebrating this big milestone by taking their whole families on a big cruise!  No, that will not be happening with us!  In fact, I can tell my Dad doesn't really even want to celebrate . . and if he does, he wants to in a very small way!  That's just him . . . and under the circumstances and all!  We were thinking that all of us kids could take them to a really nice dinner, but then realized that half my siblings will not be in town at the end of the month!  Now I'm thinking that I may ask a handful of my parent's friends and family members to write a brief email about the difference my parent's have made in their lives, or a fun memory or two, or just whatever . . that I can compile into a book for them!  Doesn't that sound good?  And then it can be memorable and special without the awkwardness of my Mom not remembering what they are celebrating.  Maybe we'll still go to dinner though.  I just want them to celebrate their big day somehow, sometime!!  

I guess last week my Mom got lost while taking a walk with my Dad.  He walks quite a bit faster than her and got ahead of her as he was listening to a book with his i-pod and headphones.  When he turned around to find her, she was nowhere to be found!  He looked everywhere and did not know which way she had gone . . so he went home, hoping she would make her way there.  Knowing she was lost, my Mom finally asked a stranger (man) if she could use his phone.  She called their house (and thankfully remembered the number!!!) and my Dad or Mafi went to get her!  Phew!  All these close calls of getting lost are a little unsettling!  

I called my Mom the day before we left to fly out here to California.  I was actually returning my Dad's call, but got my Mom on the phone instead.  My Dad was gone and my Mom was home with Mafi.  "What are you up to today, Mom?" I asked her. 

"I'm just complaining to my babysitter about how I don't have any freedom left!  My freedom is completely gone!"  This surprised me.  My Mom has never referred to Mafi as her "babysitter", but rather the "nice gal that helps them clean and organize their house."  She was wanting to go on a bike ride, or a walk, or just something, and Mafi was not comfortable with letting her do any of that by herself . . . and my Mom was feeling trapped and frustrated . . . understandably so!  Thank goodness this Mafi, and her daughters, are about as nice as they come, and want to do everything they can to make my Mom happy!  What a blessing to have them there!  It's so sad that my Mom now refers to them as being her babysitters, but I'm so happy at the same time, and feeling blessed to have them in her life!  I think Mafi ended up driving her up to the cemetery that day . . . because that's where my Mom wanted to go. . . to see the grave sites of her parents and grandparents! 

My parents are headed up to Yellowstone with my two brothers and their families this weekend.  I'm happy for them that they can get away.  I hope it goes smoothly!  My Dad was a little nervous and told me that he hopes he doesn't end up having to come home early because of my Mom. Let's keep our fingers crossed that all goes well and that she doesn't get too confused about where they are and who they will be with!  I hope they have a great old time! 

Flashing back to a little over 4 years ago . . . 

March 1, 2010

    Right now my parents are in Palm Springs with a handful of old high school friends.  I’m glad they’re keeping busy and still able to go fun places like that.  I hope it’s not too difficult on my Dad to keep things in line for her.  I wonder if he gets embarrassed at her lack of short term memory?  (That's all I wrote that day.  My journal from the past is dwindling down and I only have a few more entries!)