"When do you think Grandma will die?"

March 17, 2014

Happy St. Patty's Day today! I'm seeing all these photos on Instagram of families where the leprechaun left treats at their house and they ate green food for breakfast and all!  My poor littlest kids!  We did not have a leprechaun leave anything today!  I was lucky to help them all find a little green to wear to school.  To be honest, I don't think they really care all that much!  I'm considering going to the store and buying pancake mix to make green pancakes and green scrambled eggs tonight . . to have breakfast for dinner.  We'll see if it ends up happening. :) 

I spent a few hours with my Mom last Tuesday while my Dad went to his correlation meeting at the church office building.  At first it was snowing pretty good outside and I was wondering and a little worried about what we were going to find to do for 3 hours.  We watched a little of a tennis tournament on tv and then we got on Facebook and looked at some photos on there . . . photos of my Mom and different people.  I think she enjoyed that although I'm not sure she knew who a lot of the people were.  Then, fortunately for us, the weather cleared right up and we were able to go on a walk.  We ended up walking to my aunt and uncle's house a few miles away, just to visit.  This is the same aunt Sandy that helps my Dad with my Mom on Wednesdays when my Dad goes to volunteer at a clinic.  She is truly a saint and I am so grateful for her!  Her hubby Mike, my uncle and my Mom's brother, is also great and helps out a lot too!  Anyway, we had a good visit, despite the fact that my Mom kept repeating that she needed to call home in case anyone at home was wondering where she was.  We kept assuring her that my Dad wasn't home and that we were meeting him later that night.

One thing my Mom kept drawing my attention to at her house that day was this mirror in their bathroom.  In the little toilet room, they have a mirror that goes from the floor to the ceiling and she kept telling me that she can't believe that people from the house next door are able to see in her bathroom . . although there are no windows in there.  My sister also told me that she has looked in the mirror and told her that there has been another woman at the house.  Is it possible with Alzheimer's  to get to the point where you don't even know yourself?  Apparently so! 

I guess, according to my Dad, my Mom is getting more and more confused about him and also about their home.  She is often found gathering up her "things" to "take home."  It is not unusual for her to tell my Dad she wants to go home.  The house they live in now has been their home since I was seven years old, and so that means they have lived there for about thirty eight years! I just can't get over how strange this disease is!  They can remember things from their past, but then can't remember a husband of 49 years and her own home!  Actually, I've noticed that even details from her past are starting to fade.  She can't remember details, and sometimes I wonder how accurate her details are.  Bless her heart!  I love my Mom and feel so badly that she is living this H-E-L-L on earth . . . thinking my Dad has gone somewhere else most of the time, wondering who all these people are around her in a home she doesn't recognize, and thinking she can't even go to the bathroom without people looking in!  It's beyond sad! 

My Mom with my two youngest boys on March 16, 2014!

A little over a week ago, I was cutting my youngest son, Josh's hair in my bathroom.  Just randomly, out of the blue, he caught me off guard when he asked me, "When do you think Grandma will die?"  I wasn't sure I heard him right and so I asked him if that's what he asked me.  "Yes, when do you think she'll die?" Not knowing the best way to answer without making him more sad or worried, I just said, "I don't know Josh.  Know one really knows. I'm guessing a couple of years?"  Actually, I hope it doesn't drag out that long!  I pray for the tender mercy that it will come sooner and peacefully!  She would want it that way!  Josh didn't say anything after that.  It breaks my heart to think about my kids growing up without my Mom and their Grandma . . and that my youngest kids never really experienced the real her!  My youngest two boys probably don't have many memories at all from when she had her healthy mind.  I think they'll always remember her for her repeated questions, and hopefully for her love.  She's always still telling them how great she thinks they are and how talented they are!  I find that my kids don't talk about my Mom very often and that's why I was surprised when Josh asked me that question.  I think it's just too painful of a subject to talk about.  I have a hard time holding my tears in when we DO talk about her and her situation, but sometimes I surprise myself and I'm so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be!  


Flashing back to 7 years ago . . . 

February 1, 2007                                                   Thursday

    I have seen my Mom a few times this past week.  We got together for dinner last Sunday and yesterday I met her and Mike, Jennie and Carter at the Children’s Museum in downtown Salt Lake.  She seems to be happy.  It continues to bother me how she can’t remember details about future events.  For example, she leaves Sunday afternoon to go stay with my sister Katie in Colorado for a week to help them with their new baby.  If you were to ask her when she was going, she would probably say something like, “I don’t know, it’s coming up soon, I’m not sure, I’d have to ask Dad.”  She isn’t doing very well remembering things like that.  

    My Mom made a comment the other night after dinner.  She was looking around at her grandkids and she said something like “Look at all these cute kids. . . I wonder what they’ll all be doing in ten years.  I hope I’m around to see them. . . if I’m gone and Dad remarries, just make sure you don’t like her!”  And then she laughed.  Of course she was just kidding!  I don’t like it when she talks that way.  I do like the fact that her sense of humor is still there, but I hate it when she or anyone says stuff like that!

My Mom and Dad with my three oldest kids at the cabin  in 1998!

    My Mom just got a new calling in her ward.  After her release from being a gospel doctrine teacher a few months ago, she has been on the Enrichment committee and has not had a lot of responsibility.  She’s been aware of that and has mentioned to me that she is there because they don’t know where else to put her.  I’m sad that she feels this way.  She has been called to be a primary teacher, which could be a good thing or a bad thing.  It’s a good thing in that if she repeats herself like she often does, perhaps the kids won’t notice.  But she has told me all her life that she doesn’t feel that she is cut out to work with primary kids and to deal with their misbehaving like they sometimes can.  I hope it doesn’t stress her out!  She seems to stress out a lot easier now!