"I'm just gettin' happy!"

January 1, 2016

Happy New Year!  Can't believe another year has come and gone! 

This has been an exceptionally different holiday season this year . . without my Mom! It doesn't feel quite right to be gathered with family in St. George, at my parent's house, and other places for these happy occasions, and not have my Mom there with us! I tried not to think about it too much, but I definitely felt it. Pulling up to my parent's house is the strangest for me right now, knowing that she will not be there to greet us with her usual happy self! It will definitely take some getting used to!

 

Me, Dad and older sis, Paige, Christmas Eve, 2015

Since my last blog entry a few weeks ago, I have visited with my Mom a few times. This is a painful experience watching my Mom deteriorating right before our eyes. My Dad has said the same thing to me. I want to go visit her, of course, but then I don't want to at the same time. It brings up emotions in me that I don't feel comfortable with, but know it's important for me to face these feelings head on and work through them. This is what life is all about, right?!  

If I were to have a conversation with my Mom about 10 years ago and ask her what she would want as far as visitors at this point in her disease, what would she say? Would she want her grand kids to see her in this state . . . 30 pounds down, eyes closed, sleepy, hunched over and making very little sense in what she says . . . or would she tell me to keep them away and preserve the good memories of her in her healthy state? What would YOU want? I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want my grand kids to see me that way, but of course I would hope that my children would continue to visit me . . . . and that's why I do it!  NO REGRETS!  As I've said, I want no regrets when this is all over and done! 

My husband and I are disagreeing a bit about whether or not we should be taking our kids to see her at this point. I think it's probably best that they don't go since those are not the images of her that I want them to carry through their life . . but he thinks they should go . . and especially the older kids! I understand his viewpoint and can see the good in them seeing her like this, but I also don't want to put them in an uncomfortable and sad position. I did not go see my Grandma Tanner in her final stages of her brain disease years ago when I was ten and I also chose not to see my Grandpa Bill within the last 10 years on his death bed . . . and I feel ok about that. What do YOU think?

Enjoying a See's sucker, December 2015

During my visit a few weeks ago, I was so happy to find my Mom in a fairly good and happy state. Surprise surprise, but I was able to control my emotions for most of the time.  When I first arrived, my Mom was sitting at the table eating her lunch. Actually she wasn't eating at all but just sitting there with her head down and her eyes closed. Instead of the staff helping her eat, I got to help her eat this time . . . and it was a challenge! She would hardly open her mouth and did not seem too interested. I felt satisfied though with the fact that I got her to eat all of her jello and half of her potatoes, which was better than she had done in her previous few meals. Another resident sat next to me at the table and kept telling me how beautiful I was and asking me what was the matter with my Mom. She was a happy lady and helped me to keep my spirits up.

We went back to my Mom's room after lunch and turned on some Christmas music and just sat on her couch. I had brought her a little bag of Sees suckers and candy canes to eat and she seemed just content to sit and eat her sucker and tap her hands occasionally to the beat of the music.  

At one point, I said, "Are you getting sleepy?" . . . to which she replied,

Selfie with Mom a few weeks ago!

"No, I'm just gettin' happy!" I loved that answer and it made me smile!  

She kept saying, "that's wonderful!" or "that's great!" to most everything I told her. I painted her nails for the first time in a few months and I left that day feeling pretty good.  She seemed happy and I was proud of myself for mostly controlling my emotions that day! 

Christmas Eve day last week, Matt (hub) and I went out to visit her again and she was in a similar state. Matt did most of the talking as I found myself extra emotional. I'm not quite sure why I couldn't get the tears to stop flowing that day . . . and they continued to flow for half our ride home too. It's the strangest thing . . . my tears stop flowing almost as fast as they start and I don't have a clue what it is exactly that makes them turn on and off like that? Maybe that's just part of the grieving that you do when you have lost someone, or in the process of losing them? Emotions come at the most unpredictable times!

Matt brought up a lot of memories with my Mom that day and many of them seemed to light a spark in her. The best was when he brought up "Jibbies".  This might be hard to explain, but in my Mom's extended family, they have what is called a "jibby" where they cup their hand and "jibby" the bottom of someone's buttocks. :) Haha this probably sounds like they are some sort of perverted family, but actually they are quite the opposite. It's just a funny thing that they do to each other as a rite of passage of being a part of the "Tanner clan" and Matt still laughs that his mother-in-law used to "jib his buns". When Matt brought it up last week, her face lit up, she put her hand in that familiar cupping position and she said, "you've got to watch out with those!" :)

Matt and Mom, December 24, 2015

I want and need to go see my Mom today or tomorrow and am just trying to gear up for it. That sounds horrible and I feel bad for saying it, but it's the truth. My unpredictable emotions scare me sometimes. I've talked to my Dad and younger sister Katie today and they both tell me that she has not been too responsive this week. She is not eating well and continues to lose weight and sleeps most of the time.  Between my two visits that I just talked about, she was able to maintain her weight at 95 pounds and was eating fairly, but I guess her weight is on the downhill once again. She is presently 93 pounds!! I think that was my weight when I was in the 7th grade! 

Christmas Eve day, 2015

My Dad was telling me the other day that he often wakes up around 3am and can't fall back asleep because his mind won't turn off.  Lately he said he's been spending that time thinking about her funeral. "I want you to speak," he told me.  I kind of figured I might be. I am honored to do so but hope so badly that my unpredictable emotions will cooperate that day, whenever that might be!  

Oh, how I love her! 

2016 is bound to be filled with very mixed emotions! Such is this life for all of us I guess!