She is one tough cookie!

January 18, 2016

She's goin' home!

Late morning yesterday I got ready for church early and headed out to see my Mom. My plan was to stay with my Mom for an hour and a half or so and then go to church and hear my son give his youth speaker talk in church. Things changed. 

When I arrived, the hospice nurse was with Mom getting her dressed. She had given her a bed bath and I got to help put her clothes on. As all these experiences are emotionally hard for me, I was so happy that I was there to help with that. It's not easy getting someone dressed that is out cold like that. Mom is now in a coma and no longer feeling her agitation. I'm so happy about that. As always, I cried as I pulled her shirt onto her skinniest body and tied up her pants that were way too big for her. She is probably close to 90 pounds now and looks like she is straight out of Holocaust! I'm amazed at how these experiences can be so hard and upsetting, yet so peaceful and good!

I was able to spend about an hour alone with my Mom before my Dad and sister arrived. We listened to music, I finished her nails that I had started a few days earlier, rubbed her head and plucked out some unwanted little hairs on her chin. Hopefully that's not too much info to be telling you, but I promised my Mom, in a joking but serious sort of way, years ago, that I would make sure that she looked presentable and good on her death bed. I am keeping my promises and made her look pretty darn good I must say! And she did not appear to be in any pain or feel any discomfort from it! She would be happy I think. 

Love this lady!

I sat and listened to her breathe very sporadically. It was almost as if she wasn't breathing for 10-15 seconds at a time, and then she would blurt out a snore-like quick breath. It was strange and different from anything I have ever seen, so I text my Dad about it while he was in his own Sacrament Meeting. He told me it sounded like it was something called "agonal breathing" and often comes right at the end before someone dies. My Dad and sister had planned to go to all three hours of church before coming out to be with Mom, but my Dad quickly changed his mind and came right out at the end of his first meeting. 

My Dad took her blood pressure and could hardly find it at all. The high number on top on the blood pressure, or the systolic number I believe, was 60 at first and slowly kept going down and down . . . 60 . . 50 . . 40 . . mid thirties . . we thought for sure that she was on her way out and not going to live more than another hour. My whole family came out to say their goodbyes and I am so glad that they were able to be there at this time. Painful, YES, but such a good lesson and so therapeutic for all of us to be with her as we thought she was going to pass. As time went on and the feeling in the room got a little lighter, Mom's blood pressure started to slowly rise. Hospice says that sometimes happens with a room full of people that love her so much! 

My aunt and uncle ended up coming and a cousin and his wife too. It was a very peaceful day and I'm so glad that I was able to be there!

Needless to say, I never did make it to church and missed Britt's talk! The family said he did great though!

We debated whether or not we should keep a family member there to be with her at all times, and everyone was ready and willing to take their shift, but the hospice nurse and my Dad convinced us otherwise and we all went home. 

The nurses at the center supposedly checked on her every 30 minutes in the night and were to call us with any happenings. This morning the hospice nurse says she slept very peacefully and I am happy about that. Blood pressure is up, saturation levels are up and I don't think we know quite how to feel about this. She is one tough cookie and has such a strong body and heart that is not wanting to give in quite yet! We are forced to be patient!

Signs are showing fluid accumulating in her lungs this morning but I guess she is not feeling any of it. Thank goodness for good meds and for the fact that she is not feeling any of this! 

Whether or not she can hear us talking to her though is the mystery. Not knowing, we all talked to her all day anyway and hope she could hear us! 

Come and get her angels! She is ready! 

My boys!

My Dad and sister are there with her now as well as one of her most fabulous, old friends from high school, Bonnie. She has been out a handful of times to spend time with my Mom and that touches me beyond words! 

I am headed out again today again and I am pleasantly surprised to find that I'm not dreading it quite as much as I have in the past. I welcome the peace that I feel there with her and am not as afraid of my erupting, random emotions. I guess I've learned that's it's ok to just let it out! 

As my Dad told me on the phone this morning, "Only the angels know when she will go . . . but it will probably be within the next few days."