The end is near!

 January 15, 2016

Josh and Mom a few weeks ago!

You may know of my debate within myself of whether or not I should be taking my kids out to see my Mom in these last days. After my last blog post, I had enough people tell me that they thought I definitely should, so a few weeks ago we ended up taking a few of my boys out to see my Mom on our way home from one of our boy's basketball games, not too far away from her care center. My oldest and youngest sons were with us and my Mom was sitting up in the common living area when we got there. 

I thought I would be able to control my emotions a little better with my kids there, but I was definitely wrong. It was made even more difficult as I watched my youngest son, who has such a tender heart, try to control his own emotions. He cried because I was crying and I cried because he was crying. My Mom kept her eyes closed for most of the time, didn't talk much and didn't seem to understand who any of us were. The little that she did say was hard to hear and hard to understand. I still can't decide if I want my kid's last memories of my Mom to be these!??

Last weekend I went to sit with my Mom while Matt (my hubby) went to speak at a fireside at a ward building, coincidentally, right down the street from my Mom's care center. Mom was asleep in bed when I got there (at 7:15pm) and stayed that way for most of the time I was there. For a little over an hour I sat there next to her, rubbing her head and shoulders while at the same time, organized photos of my Mom that I could find on my phone. Mom appeared a bit restless at times, but for the most part she laid there quietly and peacefully as I watched her and listened to her loudly breathing. I could tell she was awake a few different times and I tried to talk to her. She only said a few things . . . I told her that Matt was speaking down the street and she said, almost automatically, "Oh, where is he speaking?" And then during one of her restless moments, as she appeared to try and get comfortable, I told her to just relax and go to sleep. She said, "ok I will" and went quickly back to sleep.

My tears didn't stop flowing as I sat with her that night going through old photos of her . . . but there was something so peaceful and therapeutic about sitting there with her in the quiet and almost darkness. For the most part, she appeared at peace, and that made me feel peace.

As my tears continued to flow for half of our drive home, Matt asked me what it is that triggers my emotion. "When you feel emotional, what is it that makes you feel that way? . . . What are you feeling? What do you think about when you start to cry?" To be honest, I just can't pinpoint exactly what it is that triggers my tears and makes me so sad. My tears just come at such random times and I don't know how to feel half the time. I think I am safe to say that none of us family know how to feel!

I feel like I'm carrying around a big pot of mixed emotions all the time and then I often have to set that pot aside as I deal with my everyday life with my kids and calling! Part of me wants so badly for this to all to come to a close quickly and for her to be at peace once and for all. I want her out of the care center and with people on the other side that love and adore her. I want her to have her healthy mind back. I like to imagine the great reunion on the other side with her and her parents, grandparents and friends who have passed on before. I like to think that maybe when she is on the other side, perhaps I will somehow be able to talk to her and she will hear me . . . and understand me with her right mind. 

But then of course the other part of me does not want this era to ever end! After all, I have not known my life here on earth without her in it! Life will be strange here without her for many of us! There will be no more shopping trips, luncheons, hikes, bike rides, walks, phone calls, Valentine cards, hugs, kisses, or anything from one of my favorite people in all the world! It will definitely take some getting used to and I sure hope she's able to stay close after she passes on! I don't know much about guardian angels but I sure hope that maybe she can be one of ours! I want to feel her close at all times! 

I got the dreaded phone call from my Dad yesterday morning, coincidentally as I was sitting on my couch putting together a slideshow of photos of my extended family with my Mom ... I've felt compelled this last week to get going on it and to read up on memories with my Mom. "Mom was not responsive this morning . . they couldn't wake her up . . I have a feeling it's not going to be long . .", he told me. I've always known this day would come but had a hard time comprehending that this time is here. 

My older sister Paige and I went out a few hours later, yesterday afternoon, and found her more responsive and awake than expected. She was even trying to open her eyes when we arrived, and attempted to sit up and even stand up. We used a sponge to give her water and with us on each side of her, holding her arms, we walked her down the hall about 20 feet and back and gave her drinks and chapstick. I gave her licks of a See's chocolate sucker and a small piece of a peppermint candy cane and we rubbed her head and talked to her . . with little response from her. She mumbled a bit and said some things that we couldn't quite make out. 

Mom seemed agitated and uncomfortable and not able to relax very much. My Dad soon arrived and we quickly came to the conclusion that my Mom can no longer be left alone in that state. She is very unsteady on her feet and I guess lately has been found laying in strange places . . . in her shower with her clothes on, outside her door on the floor etc. Our fear is a fall and a broken hip or some other broken bone . . . and that would not be good at this point! My Dad and the nurse decided a mild sedation is probably best right now . . . to keep her calm, relaxed, unagitated, and in one place. We don't want her walking around anymore! 

Dad gave her a blessing to know how much we all love her and to know how aware Heavenly Father is of her and her condition . . . and to tell her it's alright to go home. He mentioned the reunion that she will have upon arriving on the other side, among other things. 

We all gave her a kiss, told her we love her and left her sleeping in her bed.

I want to go visit her again today with Paige and my Dad and anyone else who can come. I want to clean, cut, file and paint her finger nails, and just be with her.  

It's hard to tell at this point if she will go sooner or later. It could be tomorrow and it could be a month from now . . I pray that it is soon and peaceful! 

Here is one of the slideshows I recently created . . . this one is of my immediate family and my Mom! Click below . . .

 My Mom and my fam flipagram!

Sure love her!