Agonizing wait!

January 17, 2016 (Sunday)

This waiting game is agonizing! I don't know how to better describe these last few days. Tears and mini breakdowns have come on and off for many of us, I know, at the most random times!

Happy photo from a few years ago!

Mom is now heavily sedated and on morphine, she hasn't drank or eaten anything for a few days (other than a wet sponge being put to her lips), her body is starting to cramp probably from malnutrition, and we want so badly for this to end and for her to pass on! We want her free from her diseased mind and now failing body!

I've been up since 5am with my mind churning. The thought of her lying in her bed in her room by herself makes me beyond sad. My heart is racing and I feel my body literally shake at times as I think about it! I think I'll get ready here pretty quick and head out there to sit with her. I don't know what else to do!

Another happy photo of Mom and friends!

I did not go visit her yesterday but my Dad and Paige went . . . and Steve and Jenny drove down from Idaho with three of their kids to see her one last time. They said it was horribly painful to see her like that! Ashley, their ten year old oldest, just sat and cried and told me last night that she wished she hadn't gone. Katie also went on Friday afternoon and said it was a very tearful experience for both her and my Mom! I guess she said my Mom even got tears in her eyes as she talked to her! This surprised me as I have just supposed and hoped that my Mom has not been aware of what has been going on around her in the last few days. We have been discussing her funeral in her same room and talking about her like she can't hear us! What is really going on in her head and how much is she comprehending? I have no idea but hope she understands very little!

My boys and nephew Matthew at dinner last night!

Since I last saw Mom on Friday, I guess she has fallen out of bed twice, once we think smack down on her face and nose. To add more to this most painful experience, she now has a big cut on the top of her nose and her nose is swollen . . . she possibly could have broken her nose! Seriously? My Dad has rearranged the room now so that her bed is against the wall and the couch is pushed up against the other side of the bed to prevent her from falling out anymore and she has been given pain meds. The thought never even entered my mind that she could possibly fall out of that bed, but of course she could!

For everybody that has been to see her lately, they have said that she has seemed agitated and uncomfortable.  I've heard that this is a sign of the end. We are hopeful!

Her meds have been increased to make her more comfortable!

Two new grand baby girls and great grand baby girl last night!

Paige and I were able to get her nails cut and painted on Friday and help beautify her face as I promised her we would do. It wasn't an easy task in her agitated state and we felt bad to bother her like that. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to be left alone and we tried to hurry to be able to let her be! I tried to give her water from a sponge but she hardly responded.

Please join us in prayers that my Mom can go home very soon! xoxox

I wanted to take this time to thank so many of you for your supportive and loving Facebook messages and texts, and to the large handful of you who have visited her and rubbed her feet . . . and sang songs with her and to her . . and played music for her! You have no idea how much your love and concern means to us! Thank you a ton! 

It is a rough time, no doubt, for me, my Dad, my siblings, for many of the older grand kids who are fully aware of what's happening and for extended family and friends . . . but we know we will survive it somehow!

Thanks again for your love and support . . we love you!