While talking to the hospice nurse on Monday night, she said in regards to my Mom, "Her bags are packed and she's just waiting for the train!" I'm liking that little analogy! Mom's bags had been packed for a while, but the train was just not coming! One of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal was waiting for "the train" to come and pick her up! We had been ready for a while, but the train was not ready to come get her! We had to be patient and have faith that it would happen when it was supposed to, when the train was ready to come get her.
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| This is what I imagine Mom doing in heaven! |
I teased with the nurse and said that I thought the train maybe wasn't coming yet because the party wasn't quite ready for her. I was envisioning my grandparents and loved ones who have gone before, all planning a big party for my Mom, and they just weren't ready with all the preparations! Wow, that must have been some party they were planning! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at that party in heaven! :)
Just a few hours before my Mom's passing, I went to visit. Although I had said goodbye to her a number of times before, no one could predict if it would be that day or a few days from then that she would pass on, but I just knew I wanted to go everyday that I could and spend as much time with her as was possible. In a way, I really wanted to be there when she passed . . and I especially didn't want her to be alone when she did.
When I arrived at about 3:30 pm, Paige (older sis) was there with one of my parent's awesome former missionaries, Becky. My Dad and Paige had also been there earlier in the day. I found Mom's breathing to be better than it had been the day before and mostly she just sounded like she was breathing deep while sleeping. There weren't the long pauses in between her breaths as there had been before . . . only occasionally. They said her blood pressure (the top number) had remained around 70 all day and her saturations were low like the day before.
It was just a waiting and guessing game at this point . . . guessing when that train would arrive! The hospice nurse predicted it would be anytime within the next few days . . . maybe that night or in a few? With no food or drink for almost 6 days at that point, we just knew it had to be soon!
Becky, one of my parent's beloved missionaries, drove all the way down from Idaho to spend time with my Mom and to play her violin for her. She is an amazing violinist and loves my Mom! It touches me, often to tears, to see these people who love my Mom so much and to hear about the many lives she has touched. Becky had played for my Mom before I arrived too but I got to hear her play "Come Thou Fount" and "God Be With You Til We Meet Again". It was amazing! That's all I can say! I hope my Mom and her spirit were somehow able to hear and comprehend what was happening at that moment . . . even if just in a small sort of way. Here is a link to hear just a snippet of it . . . my phone died after a minute or so! Here is the link to a
Short snippet of the beautiful violin music!
Paige and Becky left and I decided to stay for another hour or so. I talked to the CNA who was coming in to check her every 15 minutes and to the hospice nurse who have been coming twice a day for a month or so. They were all so nice and gentle and calming. Suzanne, the hospice nurse told me that their job is to make these patient's departures from this life as pleasant and comfortable as possible, and I found it fascinating to find out that it didn't matter when their patients died, they always go back to be with them and the families. Even though she lives way up in Farmington, she said she would be back regardless of the time that my Mom passed. It's amazing to watch them in action, talking to them in such a calming voice. Suzanne told Mom that it was ok to go home. "You can go Merrilee. Your family is ok with it!"
I've had a hard time believing that my Mom has been hearing or comprehending anything people have been saying to her lately, but the hospice nurse convinced me that since the hearing is the last sense to go, I should talk to her . . . so I did. I knelt down next to her bed, held her hand, rubbed her head and talked to her, probably for about 10 or so minutes. I can't remember everything I said to her but I know I told her that we were so sad but ok with her going. "We will miss you so much but know that it's time! Go and be with your Mom and Dad!" Say hello to Grandma and Grandpa Tanner and Grandma and Grandpa Preece and Great Granny Storrs and Grandma Cora and Uncle Bill and Uncle Rick . . ." "Don't have too much fun up there without me . . . explore the hikes so that you can take me on some adventures when I get there to join you . . . there are so many people who love you . . . I hope you will be our guardian angel . . . love you so much!"
I turned on Tabernacle Choir music, kissed her on the forehead two different times and left around 6:30pm.
I planned on returning the next day.
Ironically, a few hours later, it was while my family was all gathered around our family room doing our regular scripture reading around 10pm that I got the phone call from Paige telling me that Mom had just passed a half hour earlier, and they were on their way out there to meet the mortuary people. All I knew at that point is that her friend Bonnie had been with her when she passed, and I was so glad.
Mom passed peacefully from this life and into the next at 9:27pm, Monday, January 18th.
Of course I cried. I cried from relief, from joy, and from sadness all at the same time! I felt numb and didn't move off the couch I was sitting on for about two hours as I sat texting family and receiving messages from friends and family. My first thought as I heard the news was that I was so sad that I had not been there when she passed . "If only I would have known she was going later that night, I would have stayed!"
I'm pretty sure now that it all happened the way it was supposed to and the way my Mom perhaps wanted it to be. Perhaps she hadn't been ready to get on that train until that night, that moment!
I found out the details later of what happened that night as she passed away, and it is pretty special. Some information you must understand is that my Mom's friend Bonnie, the same friend who spent Christmas Eve with my Mom, and has been out many times to visit her in the care facility, had planned to go stay the night in my Mom's room that night. She showed up around 9pm with her sleeping gear and things she needed to stay the night.
From the words of Bonnie:
"I think your Mom wanted to do it her way and with her timing. I barely made it before she passed. Perhaps she was trying to do it privately on her own, who knows.
When I
arrived at Legacy, the attending night nurse let me in, and made the
comment that he thought she was close and that she had very labored
breathing when he checked her last. I asked him if that meant her
breathing was irregular or that there was 10-15 seconds between breaths. He
responded both. He said she was working very hard. I ran down the hall
and entered her room. She had her eyes partly open and they were not
"glazed" over but there was a tear in her right eye. I spoke to her
telling her who I was, stroked her head and reached for her hand which
was under the covers . . and it was indeed soft and warm. I then noticed
that she had not made any breathing sounds so I tried to listen for
such. The CD player was on and I rushed over to turn it off so I could
hear better. I remember the hymn that was playing was...."Be Still My
Soul". (I'm thinking that the attending nurse must have turned back on her music!) So beautiful and so appropriate as I think back on it. I
returned to her side and her chin quivered and then her eyes seemed to
fixate and glaze over. Since she had not gasped for a breath, like
earlier in the day, I thought she was indeed passing. Her color was
good, her countenance was beautiful and she was calm and peaceful.
At this point, I called Paige and reported to her Merrilee's condition. I think you know the rest, but how grateful I am that I could sit there alone for a few minutes and ponder where she was and what she was doing, compared to where we are and what we are doing. Paradise. Paradise. Paradise. With loved ones hugging and laughing and smiling. It was so peaceful. It was all so calm. It was very beautiful.
The
staff came into the room and listened for a heartbeat and tried to find
her pulse. She had indeed returned to her Heavenly Father, willingly
and with joy.
I know she loved each of you dearly.
She always spoke so lovingly about you. She was so very proud of each
of your accomplishments and the goodness that you were in her life. If
she could have smiled she would have.
I
reached over and closed both her eyes. The right one kept opening a
crack like she couldn't quite leave, but at that point we all knew her
spirit had left her body. Her mouth was still open and lifting her chin
to close it worked for a second or two and then reopened. The nurses
came in and checked to see that she was clean, rearranged her to a more
comfortable position, rubbed sweet smelling lotion on her arms, brushed
her hair and applied lip balm to her lips. They then placed her hands
one over the other on her stomach. They were very attentive and gentle
and caring. Neither of them had prepared a body for burial but had only
experience the closeness of death. They were saints and said lovely
things about her and that she would be missed. They then left only to
return very shortly with another aide who wanted to say good bye. She
was from the Middle East.
I offered a prayer of love and gratitude and waited for Paige and your Dad to arrive. Again, the Spirit was strong and all was peaceful and calm. What a way to exit this world. She was an elite woman. She was such an example of goodness, happiness, fun and determination. She was MY good friend.
Words are inadequate, but they are all we have.
I hope I met your family's expectations."
Yes you did, Bonnie, and we are so grateful that you followed your promptings to be there with her that night!
It has been an odd sort of week this week as I have felt a little out of sorts. I know some of my siblings have said the same thing. It seems strange to move on with normal life as our mother, wife, friend, sister, has passed on and will never again interact with us during this earth life. My brain is a bit foggy and feels a bit dead at times. I would say ninety percent of the time, I am able to keep my emotions under control and am moving on mostly with life as normal, but my random little breakdowns continue as they have on and off throughout this whole ordeal. I wonder if they will continue even for weeks and months after the funeral is all over and done? I would imagine they probably will continue but hopefully they will get more and more spread out!
Staying busy right now is helpful. We have talks to write and videos to prepare and Mom's closets to clean . . . and that is good. Keeping busy helps keep emotions under control. I heard my Dad say on the phone yesterday to one of his friends who was calling to check up on him . . "I'm good now as I have so much to do and so much to think about, but it's after the funeral that I wonder about!" I'm sure that's when the reality will really hit!
Thanks for your phone calls asking what you can do to help, for your emails telling about what a difference my Mom has made in your life, for the Facebook messages and texts expressing your condolences and love, for the dinners, the brownies, the hugs, for putting our names on the prayer roll in the temple, for letting us borrow your car while two of our cars are under the weather and in the shop, and for your listening ear!
You have made all the difference!
Love to you all!
Here is a copy of the obituary that came out today in the paper . . . click on the link below . .
Mom's obituary in the Deseret News
Beautifully written, as always, Mardi. We all love you so much and stand with you. �� I just have to say again, your mom was amazing. Just like her daughter!
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