Good GRIEF!

December 17, 2015

My ray of sunshine in this rough storm!

I was talking to my Dad on my cell phone on my way home from visiting Mom last Friday. It's not a surprise to me, or probably to you either, that I had a hard time controlling my emotions as I answered his questions and told him about our visit. My emotions are just so close to the surface right now and there's nothing I can do about it! 

At the end of our conversation, he said something to me about grieving that I have thought a lot about. He said, "You are grieving . . and maybe since you are getting it all out now, possibly you will be all done by the time she passes." I know myself too well and know that will most likely not be the case. I'm sure there will be many more tears to come even when she finally does pass away, but I do know it will get easier with time.   

Coincidentally, or maybe not a coincidence at all, I came across a few posts on Facebook this last week about the topic of GRIEF that ring so true to me.  One is a quote I found that says, 

I feel this is true. We will grieve forever over the loss of our loved ones, but we can move on with our lives and the pain lessens with time. That is a good thing and I look forward to the pain waning. 

The thing about our situation is that we have a double whammy of hardness . . . we feel we have already lost our Mom, wife, and friend, but then she is still here living in a state she would not want to be living in with no quality of life, and we get to all sit back and watch and wonder how long this will go on! :(

I also came across this passage about Grief on Facebook: 
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.  Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. it can be just about anything . . . and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall, or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to come tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks"     - By GSnow 

Temple Square with my boys a few days ago!

 So so true!  I can go a few days about my busy life with no problem, but then it's just a thought, a memory, an old friend of mine, or my Mom's, that sends me an email message or note in the mail . . . and then I'm just a mess all over again!  I look forward to the future when the waves get smaller and smaller!  

Last Friday when I went to see Mom, my older sister Paige and I had planned to be there at the same time. Mom was sitting up in her room and was much more alert than she had been the week before. She was talking but still not making much sense at all. We pretended to understand what she was talking about and then Paige had to leave to go somewhere after a few minutes. I thought about leaving with her at the same time because I didn't know what I would do with her alone, but I decided to stay. I ended up being there almost an additional 90 minutes. As she started to talk, it didn't appear that she was talking to me. As I sat on the left of her on the couch, she proceeded to talk off to her right side. She continued to talk and so I decided to move over there in the direction where she was talking. I knelt down next to her and tried to make sense of her words. I tried so hard. While listening to Christmas music, through tears (of course) I began to recall memories from our past, from her past . . . anything that came to mind I talked about...

"Remember when you would run to Grandma Storr's house after Kindergarten and fall asleep on her couch everyday?" 

"Do you remember singing hymns in church and singing the alto part? Did you know that you are the one that taught me to harmonize and sing alto?" I often think of my Mom now as I sing the hymns in church and remember the days that I would sit next to her and sing along with her, learning how to sing the alto part.  

I put chapstick on her lips a few times . . . oh how she loves her chapstick . . and so do I! She rubbed her lips together as she always has.  

"Do you remember tap dancing with your friends?  With Anne and Dixie and everybody? . . . and do you remember how you would paint with Dixie? You painted so many great pictures! You were such a good artist!"

I honestly felt like the water had been turned on in my eyes and I could not get it to stop flowing. For about 90 minutes I think the water flowed steadily down my face! 

Interestingly, for the last half a year or so, my Mom has appeared to be unaware of my emotions. I have been able to shed some tears right in front of her and she hasn't seemed to notice. But on Friday, she got emotional as I sat with her and brought up these memories. I don't know exactly what it was that initially made her emotional but she was and she reached out and held my hand for much of the time. 

"You have been such a great Mom and will leave such a great legacy! . . . Thanks for being such a good example and Mom to me and all of us!"

"Do you remember all the trips that you and Dad took . . . you and your Mikie boy?  You two have been all over the world together!" This is one of two times that day when I could understand what she was saying to me. When I brought up her 'Mikie boy' (my Dad), she asked where he was and when he was coming. I told her that he would be coming the next day. 

The other thing she said that I understood was that she kept saying "very well!" When I asked her if she remembered her grandparents and her Mikie boy, she said with emotion, "very well!" I think she was understanding much of what I was saying to her. 

Do you remember making raspberry jam and sweetrolls and orange rolls and donuts? You were always such a great cook and hostess!"  

"Don't forget our agreement about dancing and singing together in heaven one day." I hope she doesn't get too much practice up there without me! :)

As excruciatingly painful as these experiences are with her, I would not trade them for anything! I will remember them forever! 

I am headed out to her place again today to visit with her. I never know what I am going to get when I get there but I go nonetheless. I don't like that I get so emotional and wish I could keep my emotions more in control, but it is what it is! NO REGRETS is my motto! 

My Dad took a scale out to weigh my Mom again a few days ago to see if she is still losing weight.  She is.  Her weight is now down to 95 pounds!  She is looking like a woman living in a concentration camp! They've got her on a liquid diet since she won't eat much food but apparently she is not drinking much! (I did get her to eat part of a Christmas peppermint stick!) My fear is that she will just continue to lose weight but her body will not give in.  I don't want to be visiting an 80 pound mother!

Just as her beautiful friend Linda expressed to me in a recent message, "We send our love and prayers for her release to a much more beautiful place!" Won't that be a glorious and bittersweet day . . . when she can return to that more beautiful place! I pray it comes soon . . . . but not too soon! 

Thanks to many of you for your messages of love and support to me! I have received a handful of messages this past week from Mom's book club friends, dinner group friends and even an old neighbor of mine that was one of my Mom's Young Women. All the messages make me cry but that's ok! I appreciate them so much!  

And lastly, I know that I am not the only one out there grieving over someone! Most of us have lost important people in our lives and it's just a part of our lives here on earth! Whether your waves are 100 feet high or 40 feet high, I wish you much peace and love this holiday season!  We can do this! 

Merry Christmas!!