Four Generations Together!

November 24, 2015

"Is it easier now that your Mom is in a care facility since you know she is safe . . or was it easier having her at home with your Dad?" This is a question a friend asked me last week, which has really made me think. My immediate response to her was that it's not easier, but harder having her in this care facility. I feel that it was definitely easier when she was at home with my Dad. I've been pondering the last few days about why I feel this way. 

First off, I knew my Mom was getting the love and attention I feel she deserves and that I would want her to have while living at their home of 40 years, and with her hubby of 50 years!

It's harder to visit her at this care facility because I can't just sit back and relax as I would at their house. All there is to do with her is sit with her and try to carry on conversation that is getting more and more difficult.

We can no longer take our weekly field trips and our walks and hikes. Those days are sadly over! At first I thought it might work out for me to take my Mom on little walks around the neighborhood where the facility is located, but I'm finding it's not as easy as it sounds. My Mom's medications make her too sleepy and she would be too confused about what we were doing!

Mostly I just find myself feeling unsettled all the time. Do you know that feeling where you know that something is bothering you and making you feel unsettled, but yet you just can't put your finger on what it is exactly? Well that's how I feel pretty much all the time . . . always wondering what my Mom is doing, and if she is happy, entertained and being paid attention to? Is she just sitting around doing nothing as the rest of us go about our busy lives? What is she doing all day? I don't feel at peace knowing she is not at peace. . . or is she at peace? Maybe she's more at peace than I think she is! I don't know! All I know is that she would not want to be living this way, in this state! 

I don't like going on family lunch outings and trips without her. It's weird and sad not having her there! Like for Thanksgiving this year, we will all be gathering without her and that just makes me beyond sad!

It's really strange being at their house or at extended family events without her. It always feels like there's something/someone missing, and of course there is! She is definitely missed! I find myself wondering what she would be doing or saying if she were there!

As you probably know by now, my emotions have always lied pretty close to the surface when it comes to my family, but now I feel that it is more than ever. I used to laugh at my Mother-in-law for getting emotional over a sad commercial or news story, but now I completely understand. Tears are hard to hold back these days.  

With all that being said, and as hard and difficult as it is to have my Mom's health deteriorating and living away and under these circumstances, I know that she could not be anywhere else right now. Her condition worsens by the day and week and it would not work at this time to have it any other way. I don't like it, but I have no other choice but to accept it.

First time great Gram Merrilee with Claire Merrilee

From what I've heard, Mom is not eating much these days and has to be fed much of what she eats. The caregivers at her home say that she is probably only eating about 10% of her meals and we can tell that she is losing weight. Dad is going to take a scale out there sometime and find out just how much weight she has lost. She is looking "skinny minny" . . and she did not have any weight to lose in the first place! I can't figure out why she wouldn't be eating much. Has she lost her appetite? Does she not feel much hunger anymore? Is she not eating on purpose?
  

Four Generations together. . me, Mom, Sarah and Claire!

My daughter and I finally made it out to see my Mom with my new little grand baby, Claire Merrilee last week. I was 
 anxious to get out there and get some photos taken of Claire and my Mom together, and also some photos of the four of us together representing the four generations . . . Mom, me, Sarah and Claire! I'm happy about the idea of Claire and Sarah both carrying my Mom's name! (Sarah's middle name is also Merrilee.) 

My Dad was also there visiting at the same time, which was a good thing. It makes it easier to have someone else there to talk to and he was able to take our pictures!

Mom was eating lunch when we arrived . . actually she was not eating at all but just sitting at the table with her lunch in front of her and two ladies and a caregiver sitting at the same table across from her. The lady right across from her was being pretty entertaining as she often choked on her bites of food. They were eating a turkey dinner that looked pretty good, but Mom was not eating. I tried to feed her a few bites but she did not seem interested . . . not even in the chocolate pudding for dessert? That is not like her at all . . . Mom loves her sweets! It was almost as if she didn't quite understand what was happening. She drank a little apple juice, but that's all I saw her put into her mouth! 

Mom was her usual happy and friendly self but appeared so sleepy and confused. She did not make eye contact with me, was not making much sense, and could hardly keep her eyes open. We walked down to her room where we were able to take some photos. In every photo taken, her eyes appeared closed. We don't know if the meds are making her like this (sleepy and eyes barely open) or if it just the disease progressing? My Dad suspects it might be a little of both! Regardless, I feel she is going downhill. Her confusion is extreme and her brief moments of clarity might be possibly gone now. 

I'm glad we got to visit with her and to get our photos. I have a feeling those photos, though not the greatest quality, will be treasures down the road!

The day before our 4 generation photo session with my Mom, I met my Dad, my Dad's sister Pat, sister Paige, daughter Sarah and grand baby Claire at lunch. The first few minutes were spent reminiscing about my Mom and what she used to be like. Aunt Pat recalled the kindness my Mom showed to her way back in Jr High, even before my Mom and Dad were dating. My Mom was a year older than Pat and Pat was emotional as she told us about the positive impact my Mom had on her way back then. Of course my tears flowed easily too as they often do these days. Pat said she was thrilled when my Mom and Dad started dating, and especially when they got engaged! Pat could not have been happier to get her as a sister-in-law! 

My Dad then started to tell us about an experience he had a few nights previous where he woke up in the middle of the night and how there was a period of time when it was somehow revealed to him as clear as day the way my Mom used to be. My Dad has told me a few times in the last few years how his good memories of my Mom have been fading fast and he has had a hard time remembering the good old days . . . and there were A LOT of those good times to be remembered! My Dad doesn't cry easily, but his eyes welled up with tears as he half cried and half laughed and told us he would have to tell us about his experience at a later time. His emotions were getting the best of him, which I understand all too well! I text him later that night and asked him to finish his story. He text me back . . . "I think I had your mother's inner self revealed to me. I recalled clearly what she was like prior to our mission in England. She was the ultimate in sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and selflessness. Along with the background of her lifelong dread of getting her father's same disease, I realized that this experience has been an unimaginable nightmare. The part I didn't mention was that here I was at 3 o'clock in the morning crying like a baby. What an experience!" 

I can only imagine what an emotional experience that was for him . . and what an incredibly hard thing this has been for my Dad to endure for more than a decade!

It's amazing what we can experience in the wee, quiet hours of the middle of the night! I'm sure that will be a memory he will carry forever!

As I have been reading through my Mom's journals lately, I have had experiences also with coming to remember the way my Mom used to be. It has brought many tears as I just miss her so darn much . . and the way things used to be! I feel as though I have gone through the stages of grief over and over and over over the last 10-14 years! Denial . . . Anger . . . Bargaining . . . Depression . . . Acceptance . . Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance . . . I thought I had reached the acceptance phase once and for all a while ago . . . but apparently it only lasted temporarily and now we're cycling through again! I would imagine that these phases will most likely continue to the end!

Some of my friends periodically ask or send me texts about how I am holding up. This blog post may make it sound like I am a walking basket case at all times, but really I am holding up just fine! Like I said, I feel unsettled much of the time, but my life with my husband, six kids,  now grand child, and friends go on as normal. I am going about my life with my normal happy self, with just my occasional quiet, teary moments. 

I will survive. No one should worry about me. I so appreciate everybody's loving support though. It helps a ton to know how many people care and how many people loved my Mom!  Thank you thank you! How great it is that we have each other to endure life's difficulties! Love to you all as you endure yours!

Mom's first great grandchild was born and will carry her name!

November 13, 2015  

My hubby and I, new grandparents!

I went to visit my Mom last week in her new home of about 6 weeks. Things are going pretty well there as far as I know.  Her medications are keeping her mostly calm, but also quite sleepy most of the time. I've heard that she has her stubborn moments where she won't take a pill or put on a certain shirt or something like that, but other than that, it is going as well as it could under the circumstances I suppose.

Last week's visit

When I arrived in the mid afternoon, I found about 5 of the residents, including my Mom, sitting in their common area involved in a little sing-along. They were watching a video on a large tv screen of a guy in various nature settings singing old songs, with the words for them to sing along. My Mom was sitting sideways on the couch, not facing the tv or looking at it, but just listening. I'm pretty sure my Mom is not able to see very well, or at least she is probably unable to process what she is seeing . . . . but she can definitely hear. Most of the residents were not singing along but just watching. Mom sang along to the song "Take Me out to the Ball Game" and hummed along to some of the other songs. The movie, "Sound of Music" was then put on for them and I stayed with her for about 90 minutes. I attempted some conversation, but it's now pretty difficult. My mom does not make a lot of sense anymore, but I go along with her stories as if she does.

At one point we walked down to my Mom's room, but she didn't want to go in. I told her our good news that she was a new Great Grandma as my daughter just had our first grand child on Halloween morning! The baby's name is Claire Merrilee with the middle name after my Mom . . and I told my Mom that. My Mom's response after not seeming to understand much about our conversation that day, was "That makes me want to cry . . . I'm so proud!" As she teared up and got emotional, I of course did too! How cool is that that my first grand child . . . and she is a cutie I might add . . is going to carry on my Mom's name! I couldn't be more happy about that! Now we just need to get my daughter and Claire out to visit her so that we can get some photos of them together! I also want to get some photos of the four generations . . my Mom, me, Sarah and Claire! That's in the plan for next week! 

Claire Merrilee

I've been reading through my Mom's last journal . . which begins in May of 1994 and ends with her last journal entry in January, 2009! It's hard to believe that she started that journal, which is only one third full, over 20 years ago! It's fascinating to read all about her crazy busy and active life . . as I now imagine her wandering around her new place of residence and not doing much of anything. She had such a full life and was involved in so much!  Here are a few random excerpts . . .

May 1, 1994
It has been a busy time.  I not only work 3 hours every morning, but often play tennis in the afternoons. I have also recently drawn up a petition and circulated it in the East High area gathering names of those who also have concerns about the new trimester system at East. I have also been a parent representative on Salt Lake District applied Technology Committee. We have visited all of the high schools in our area to ascertain whether we need an Applied Technology Center in Salt Lake.  The answer is definitely "Yes"! and I wrote a letter to each member of the school board telling them so. I am also working many Saturdays taking my students to work in the LDS or VA Hospitals.

January, 1995
I was asked at East High to be the boy's tennis coach. (in addition to teaching her nursing careers classes!) At first I said "no", but then decided that someone needed to get them playing . . . so I started a tennis ladder. Lee H. also agreed to coach and so the two of us are working with the boys every day after school.  It's a lot of time but fun to work with Mike and Steve (my brothers) and many of their friends.

My beautiful Mom on one of their many adventures!

(The following journal entry is a classic poem written by my Mom . . .) 
July 10, 1995 
I just found a copy, as I cleaned out my file, of a poem I wrote years ago (the only one) . . .

Some talents seem so very great and easy to express
When I sit down to write a poem, I feel it is a mess
Some have a special gift for words that easily do flow
But all of my creative writing talent could be found in one's big toe!
It just doesn't seem quite fair sometimes, when my soul burst forth with words
Only to find my work quite trite and strictly for the birds
It is true that the best of poets may have started this way too?
Or should I find some other "hidden" talent to pursue? 

September 17, 1995
I drove out to Mardi and Matt's ward to tend their children while they spoke in their new ward.  I then helped Mike teach our young adult Sunday school class. After, we went to the Western Institute of Neuropsychiatry to speak in their sacrament meeting.

I am teaching two nursing assistant classes right now and am the girl's tennis coach at East High.  It's lot of  fun but I am overextended.

Mom and her nursing careers students . . . how she loved teaching those kids!

My Mom used to visit a couple that lived in the apartments by their house, on a regular and frequent basis. Both the man and the woman had Multiple Sclerosis and did not get around very well. The man was in a wheelchair and the woman was also in a wheelchair but in better condition than her husband, as she could walk around a little, but they both struggled to do a lot of things on their own. My Mom would go in and help them with different things around their apartment, and would pick things up for them and drive them to various appointments and functions. She also gave them a lot of support and love. The following journal entry is about an experience she had with the husband.

March 20, 1997
I had a very special experience with Jim R. several weeks ago.  I felt Heavenly Father's spirit there so strongly.  I sat down close to him and had good eye contact with him. He told me how depressed he was, and for the next 30 minutes we talked about the pains and suffering of Jesus Christ, and why suffering is necessary for all of us, and what a better life is ahead. I also told him how much I care about him and how much Heavenly Father cares about him. It was tearful and touching and a moment I don't want to forget.  I knew for a few moments just how much our Heavenly Father and Jesus love Jim -- and me! And how much we need to love each other.

Such a classy lady . . . my Mom has always been!! 

Perhaps a brief moment of clarity?

November 1, 2015

Dad and Mom with my oldest Sarah on Halloween, 1994

I went two and a half weeks without seeing my Mom while she was in that medical facility getting her medications regulated. It was tough not to see her . . and it was especially hard on her and my Dad too as they faced many difficult challenges during that time! My Mom was finally able to return back to her residence at the Memory Care facility a couple Tuesdays ago and I was able to go see her that next day on the Wednesday. I was amazed at how comfortable I was to go back there, even though that was the place that had brought me immediate dread and tears before. I guess I was just so happy that she was able to get out of that other place and I had so been hoping she could get back there asap. Our hope now is that she can stay at this place and that she won't become too difficult for the CNA's and staff there to handle.

You have to understand how unusual this is for my Mom to have aggressive and agitated moments. Her normal self has always been so mellow and calm. Yes, of course she raised her voice at times and got mad as any normal mother can, but she was normally so docile and kind and just the opposite of aggressive. As I have mentioned before, my Mom's aggressive behavior with this disease has not shown itself to me . . . but only once when she got mad at one of my younger sisters for something a few months ago. Other than that, I have only seen her usual calm and mellow self! So far her medications are keeping her calm, but perhaps too calm and sleepy. With the help of my Mom's doctor, my Dad is still making adjustments to the meds and trying to get it just right. We are looking for a happy medium between keeping her calm but not too sleepy.  

I said, "Smile Mom!" (A selfie, 1.5 weeks ago)

Isn't it ironic that my Mom used to teach a nursing careers class and train kids to be CNA's . . . and now she is on the other side of it all and being taken care of by them? She was a teacher who the kids adored and wanted to emulate by following in her shoes and being a nurse, or working in the medical profession. How the tables turn in life! I would love to know how many of her students pursued careers in nursing, or being a CNA or in the medical field? 

When I arrived last Wednesday to visit my Mom, I found her wrapped up in a familiar colorful afghan blanket as she was in the hall trying to get into a room a few doors down from hers. I'm not sure if she thought that was her room or what she was doing? It makes me wonder how much of her days are spent just wandering around on her own doing pretty much nothing? That makes me sad to think about . . . but she seemed happy at that moment and was in a much better state than I was expecting. She still seemed confused and didn't make a lot of sense when she talked, but somehow I think she knew me. At least I know that she was familiar and comfortable with me. My Dad arrived to visit her just a few minutes after me and so we all had a good visit together.

My Mom, in her still loving manner, has hugs for everyone! It doesn't matter who the people are -- a staff member, another resident or even the janitor, she has hugs for them! It's really quite cute to watch, but also a little awkward at times.  

One thing that frustrates me a bit is the fact that many of the activities this "Memory Care" facility provides do not meet my Mom's ability level, like playing the game of BINGO, and so I have the feeling she stays back at her room during a lot of them.  I'm not sure that she even realizes she is missing out on anything, but I just want her to have things to do during the day! I hope that the holiday season brings many musical groups into the facility! I think she would really enjoy listening to choirs sing and various musical performances! It makes me want to put a little plug in to all of you people who are musical and could provide great happiness for these people! Go volunteer at your local old folks community facility if you can! You'll bring happiness to many older and sick people, as well as to their grateful families! 

Towards the end of our visit, I couldn't help but think for a few minutes that possibly my Mom could have had some very brief moments of clarity? Could it be? As we sat and talked about the yard work that my Dad has been doing at their house, and about how their neighbor had come out to help pick up the thousands of pods in my parent's yard, my Mom said, "I can just picture Caroline (their sweetest next door neighbor) picking up the pods in the front yard . . . I will pick them up!" My Mom used to take on that job as hers and it kept her busy for hours . . and now she wants her job back!

And then as we were leaving, and as she put a huge hug on my Dad, she said, "I'm missing you . . . Where are you going? . . . Won't you let me come with you?" As we went to leave her sitting at the table to wait for her dinner to be served, and as my Dad departed for the door, she called my Dad by name . . . "Hey Mike. . . " and she repeated his name a few times. It felt like to me that for just a few brief moments she had some clarity and was realizing what was happening . . . and she couldn't believe that we were actually leaving her there!

I held it together so well up to that point. The thought of her thinking that we are abandoning her just about kills me and I lost it in the parking lot. At least I made it to the parking lot this time . . . I am making improvements! :) At this point in the disease as she is declining quite rapidly, as horrible as it may sound, I almost don't want to see improvement and moments of clarity. It's easier for me to hear that her condition is worsening and that she has no simple idea where she is or what is happening to her.  

I hope that doesn't sound like I am a an awful person that wants my Mom to deteriorate and die. You know, and she knows just how much I adore her, and I wish with all my heart that this wasn't happening to her.  As my aunt said on the phone a few days ago, "it's just so sad that this is happening to such a great person!" We just want my Mom to be comfortable and at peace, and maybe in order for her to have that, she needs to move on to the next realm. I am excited for the day that she can escape this failing mind of hers and go and be with her parents and loved ones who have moved on before. Is that so bad to wish for? Hopefully I don't sound like a thoughtless person!  

My Dad invited my family out to eat enchiladas with him the other night since he had a big pan full that he had made . . . yes, he has turned into quite the cook and even won first place at a chili contest at a ward party a little while ago!  Only a few of us could go . . . me, my married daughter Sarah and her hubby . . and my older sister Paige came too. It was good food and a fun time . . . but the absence of my Mom at their house is so strange! It's just so different to be there knowing that she's not just in the other room and about to round the corner. She is most likely never going back to that house and I kind of hate that idea. It puts a pit in my stomach to think about and it will take some time to get used to. As far as I know, my Dad wants to stay in that house that he has owned since I was 7 years old, which is understandable to a point, but it makes me wonder if it might be good one day for him to move out into a brand new smaller place that has no yard work and less to clean? Who knows what's best . . . but I guess it's really not my life or my business. My Dad will do what he feels is best for him!

Claire Merrilee, our first grandchild, born yesterday!

This past week has been an interesting one. I have experienced the very high highs of life and the very low lows of life. Life has a way of balancing out the sorrows with the joys and I often look at life being very much like a roller coaster of constant ups and downs. I guess that's how life is intended to be! I attended the funeral of a friend and acquaintance this past Friday afternoon, a gal about my age who died tragically, suddenly and unexpectedly one week ago today, leaving a husband and 3 children. There I sat at this funeral with tears flowing down my face because of the sorrow I feel for her young family who will miss her so much, while at the same time getting text messages from my only daughter Sarah who was in the hospital getting ready to have her baby . . and my first grandchild! I was, in essence, saying goodbye to one beautiful soul and welcoming another heavenly soul in one day! Such is the way life goes sometimes -- joys and sorrows, joys and sorrows! 

I am grateful for the knowledge I have that even though we will face much sorrow in this life, we will find great joys along the way . . . . and even better, there is a greater, ultimate joy that we can all find in the end . . . the chance to live with all our loved ones again with their healthy minds and bodies, and with our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father!  What could be better than that? 

That knowledge keeps me going! 

Another Letter to Mom!

Dear Mom, 

Today is October 18th. I started a letter to you a few weeks ago and didn't quite get to finish . . . there are just so many memories and things I still want to tell you, and that's why this letter is turning out to be a two or three part letter.

Mom and sister Deanne, Sept. 2015

Right now I must tell you that you are still at a geriatric medical facility where the doctors are still trying to help you find the best meds that will help you cope with your agitation that you sometimes feel. You're also not sleeping well lately and so they are trying to help you with that too. It is taking a lot longer than we expected and I can only imagine the confusion and frustration that you must feel. I'm so sorry! I just really hate that your disease has brought you to this point! Alzheimers is just a mean disease and we're keeping our fingers crossed that you can go back soon to your other place that I think will be more comfortable for you! It's also a place that I think I will be more comfortable visiting. 

You've been at this medical facility for over two weeks now and although I've visited you there once on Conference Sunday, Dad says I should probably wait until you go back to the other place to start visiting regularly again. I think he's worried that I'll just sit and cry . . . he knows me too well, and of course you know that I love you so darn much that I sometimes have a rough time keeping my emotions under control. This place is just not quite as "homie" as the other place! The doctors were saying that you could possibly move back this past Friday, but now they are saying this Tuesday . . maybe! I am hopeful and my fingers are crossed! I want to come visit you soon! It's been too long and I have missed our outings and walks! 

Mom with my 3 youngest boys . . a few years ago!

I think about you every day, and about this big transition of you being moved from your house of 39 years and into these new living arrangements. As much as I was hoping you would never have to enter one of these homes, and Dad too was so wanting to keep you at home to the end, it is just not meant to be. The decision to send you to a home was no doubt one of the hardest decisions Dad has ever had to make, but I feel strongly that it was a good decision under the circumstances, and I think you would definitely agree. I so hope that we still have opportunities to go on more walks together and to spend more time together in the near future! Your confusion is getting worse and so I'm a little doubtful, but still hopeful!

Dad visits you every single day. He spends an hour or two with you . . helping you shower and dress and do your hair as he has done for the last few years. Dad seems to be doing pretty well, and your neighbors, ward members and friends are inviting him to dinner and to various places. I'm so happy about that because I don't want him to be lonely without you! Although Dad continues to appear strong through all of this, I can tell it is hard on him because he hates seeing you live like this, but yet doesn't see that there are any other options at this point! We are just doing what we feel is best for you!  

Mom and good friend, Karen in the summer of 2013

Since this disease has taken away so many of your memories and abilities, I know that you are probably wondering if any of us will remember the real you . . you from 10+ years ago! Rest assured that we will for sure!  I mentioned that in the last letter, but I just want to make sure that you know that our memories of you will last forever! So many memories have been passing through my mind lately, and every time one comes to mind, I have to hurry and type it on to my notes app on my phone so I don't forget. I've thought of so many of the good times, but I've also thought of some harder times that have come to mind. I have learned so much from you and feel that because of your example, and Dad's, I am who I am, and I thank you for that. I will now make sure that the good memories and stories will be carried on to future generations. You will live on in our stories and minds and will never be forgotten, I promise!

We might be losing you and your mind for a time, but we know that there is more after this life and we all so look forward to picking up where we left off when we all enter the next phase!  

Extended family dinner at Olive Garden, 2012?

Here are some of the memories and lessons that have come to mind lately . . . 

Do you remember every February sending us all Valentine cards in the mail? I'm guessing it was until about 4 or 5 years ago that you sent one to each one of us, including all of the grand kids. Did you know that you now have 20 grand kids, with number 20 just arriving last Friday! With one more on the way in a couple months! And you have your very first grandchild expected to be born sometime this week or next! Yes, that means I will be a granny for the first time too and I can't wait! There's even talk that this new great grandchild (from Sarah and Brady) may carry your name as their middle name? That would be pretty cool, right? This baby will be able to carry on the name of one of our most favorite people ever! I'm so grateful that I kept a large handful of those Valentine cards so that I can look back on them and see your great cursive handwriting and read your beautiful love notes to us. I can still picture how you positioned your hand as you would sign your name or write your usual cursive . . . rarely did I ever see you write in print. You have always had an amazing heart and I loved getting those cards from you!

I loved how you discovered your ability to paint about 10 or so years ago. We now possess a handful of your paintings and they will forever be treasures to us!  We have one of your paintings in our main floor bathroom and one of the temple in our bedroom. One day I would love to own the big one in your house that has all the beautiful, colorful flowers.  

Mom meeting Britton for the first time in 2000 in London!

When Matt and I first got married, I had a lot to learn about cooking, even though you taught me how to make a handful of things as I was growing up . . like scrambled eggs, your orange rolls, raspberry jam, donuts etc. Thanks for your patience when I would call you often for advice! I really wish I had half of your knowledge when it comes to cooking and entertaining people! You probably would argue with me about this, but you really were a great cook. Thanks for all your great meals and for making me eat my veggies! I miss being able to call you with my cooking questions, but it has forced me to figure things out myself, which is good I suppose. 

I'll never forget being woken up early by you on school mornings for scripture study. All of us kids would lay on your bed to listen to you read a page or a chapter. I must admit that I sometimes dozed off to sleep during those sessions, but I tried my best to listen and to learn. I so admire your dedication to do regular scripture study with us, to have family and personal prayers and to have family home evening on a regular basis. I can picture you and Dad kneeling by your bed saying your private prayers. I have fond memories of you assigning me to be in charge of the lessons for family night. That was such great practice for me in helping me to prepare for my future callings in the church!

Mom, Dad and my daughter Sarah, 2012
(She's the one having the grandbaby this week!)

I'm sure you'll remember me borrowing your clothes on a constant basis! I honestly don't remember a time that I asked if I could wear something of yours, that you told me NO. And now that I'm a Mom and love my clothes to be available and clean when I want to wear them, I am more grateful for you and your patience and trust in me. I don't feel that I would be quite that patient! I always thought your taste in clothes was so classy and sharp and I always felt lucky and grateful that we were the same size!

I remember people telling me what great legs you had/have! :) You were always so fit and tan and set a great example of taking good care of our bodies! 

California beach in about 1999?

I remember so well waiting on the grassy hill after elementary school and being picked up by you at the back of the school. Thanks for all the rides to piano and violin lessons, ballet classes, art classes, tennis classes and matches, to the movies, and for always being so supportive at recitals and performances. With the six of us kids, I now look back in amazement that you could keep up with all of us and our crazy schedules! You were amazing! 

It's no surprise to me that there were some days that you had "just had it!" Only a few times do I remember you leaving the house in frustration while just needing a break! You later told me that there were a few times that you drove down to Provo and went to see a movie by yourself for a few hours . . . but then you came right back and were back at it! You put up with a lot of stress with all of us kids but it's impressive how you were able to keep your cool 95% of the time! Way to go! You did it!  That's got to feel good that those crazy, stressful mothering days are over now for you. You should be happy and rest easy that you did such a great job! I think I can speak for all of us kids when I say that we could not have asked for a better Mom . . . really!   

Thanksgiving walk in St. George, 2013

I remember watching you performing tap dancing numbers with your friends at various church and school events, and you being willing to dress up to be the Care Bear at our elementary school where you wore that big, warm costume, and never complained about it. What a trooper! I'm pretty sure that I would have turned that job down . . . but not you! 

I remember you going to the juvenile detention center with Dad and teaching the kids there . . . and loving it! You always had a way with the youth and knew just how to make people feel good about themselves. I've had a handful of your past nursing career students from Highland and East High tell me how great of a teacher they thought you were. It's no surprise that they loved you, and I know that you LOVED them too!  

Well again, I could go on and on about memories with you and stories of people whose lives have been positively impacted by you, but I will stop here for now.  More to come.  

Thanks for being the best Mom ever!    

Love, 
Mardi 

PS.  I just talked to Dad on the phone a little earlier today and he said that you are for sure moving back to your original Memory Care facility tomorrow (Tuesday)! I'm so happy for you that the doctors were able to help you with your sleep and agitation problems, and I pray that it goes well and that you will be able to stay there!  xox  I'll visit soon! 

Mom's new living arrangements!

October 5, 2015

My Mom's last day at her home of 39 years!

Minus the big furniture items, a few of us moved my Mom's "stuff" in to her new place about a week and a half ago, and then she was moved in the next day on Friday. Her new home for now is a Memory Care Facility on the west side of Salt Lake City. 

The only way I can describe my last few weeks is to say that it's been like one big emotional roller coaster ride. I can only talk for myself, but I'm assuming that it's been the same for my Dad and siblings as well. My emotions have been so close to the surface and I don't like when this happens. I can't remember feeling this way for a long time . . . probably since the beginning stages of my Mom's disease, in the first few years when we were just trying to come to terms with the whole idea. 

Back about 10 years ago or so, I remember dreading the topic of my Mom being brought up in any conversation. I feared bursting into tears when someone would ask me how she was doing. Well I feel like I'm sort of going through a similar phase right now, not being able to talk about her in her new living conditions very well. Tears flow too easy . . mostly when I'm by myself, or if someone brings her up. I find that I avoid the topic with people when I can. Thank goodness I am busy with my home life and all my kids right now to distract me from this whole situation  . . . I need those distractions! I can tell though, with each passing day, that it is getting easier!

Paige and Mom, September 24th, 2015

With Paige (my older sis) and Mafi (home health angel) a week ago last Thursday, in my Mom's new room, we put sheets on her new bed, hung a painting of flowers on the wall that my Mom painted years ago, we put up a family photo, and placed her clothes in the closet. I even made a little run to Walmart to pick up a shower curtain and a few other items that we had forgotten. In my attempt to make her room as "homey" as possible, I also grabbed a little jack-o-lantern container and some candy acorn treats to put on her bedside table. To be honest, I had a hard time holding myself together while there in that place, as I found myself tearing up at every turn. Since it was Mafi's last day taking care of Mom too, she also was emotional and quiet. 

It's not that this new abode is a bad place because it seems like the best place for my Mom right now. The people are really friendly, it's clean and comes highly recommended . . . but it's just that this whole experience of my Mom being placed in a Memory Care "old person" facility is just surreal to me! I'm having a hard time grasping the whole idea that MY MOM has to be in a place like this! It's usually other people's family members that have to do things like that . . not my family! I've had a crazy time trying to sort out my feelings and figure out what exactly is upsetting me the most?! That is the question of the month! 

I believe my biggest worries have been . . . What if she feels abandoned? afraid? alone?  What if she cries and wonders why we are not letting her go home? What if she doesn't do well at a place like this?  What if she gets bored and sits in her room sad all day? What will she do all day? Who will be there for her in the middle of the night when she needs something? Who will shower her in the mornings? Will she make new friends? Will the staff be patient and loving with her? How will my Dad do at their house all by himself? Will he be sad? lonely? I am realizing that she will no longer be just a phone call away as she has been my whole life, and our weekly outings will not be the same! And then my ultimate worry . . How is this all going to end?

After visiting my Mom in her new place for the first time a week ago today, I was happy to find that she seemed pretty content, and not once did she mention anything about home or going home or where was her "big boy". I was relieved about that.  I really don't think she has any concept at all about where she is or what is happening. 

When I first arrived last Monday, the staff couldn't find her for a few minutes. As many of the residents probably hang out in their rooms for a large part of the day, she is and always has been such a social gal that most likely wanders much of the time. The great thing is that the home is set up in such a way that she can wander pretty far but yet remains locked in and secure. They can go outside into a courtyard, and into another hall and wing where they have televisions going . . and a piano room . . and treats for them if they want them. We found her in the piano room listening to one of the cute aids play the piano. After each song, the group of about 4 of them would clap after each number and my Mom would say "that's great!".  "I couldn't get a better audience than this!" the aid said. 

My Mom smiled at me as I arrived but did not give me any special greeting as one might expect from a Mom. I'm pretty certain she had no clue who I was at that moment! I could have been one of the aids for all she knew! She continued to listen to the music with her eyes shut for a few minutes and then, after some reluctance on her part, I finally convinced her to take me for a tour of the place. It ended up being me though that mostly showed her around. We went to the outside courtyard and repainted her nails and I think at that point she may have recognized me as that nice lady that spends time with her . . . maybe? We then went and hung out in her room for a while. 

 My Mom was her usual, happy self that talked almost nonstop, mostly about things that did not make sense to me. She talked about her Grandma Clara as if she was alive today and she introduced me to a few of the people there as her friend. One thing that she kept saying to me was "You should move in with me. That would be so fun!" At one point, my Dad called me to see how things were going and my Mom said a few times, "Ask him if he misses me," . . . and then she would giggle almost as if she were a teenage girl talking about her boyfriend. 

I literally had a lump in my throat the entire time I was there. Tears flowed on and off and I had a difficult time controlling my emotions. Fortunately though, she showed no signs of noticing, and I was happy about that. I had to get home to drive carpools so I ended up leaving her in the activity room where a group of about 10 women were playing BINGO.  How is it that some of these ladies, all with some form of dementia or Alzheimers, some of them appearing much older than my Mom, were playing with two Bingo cards at once?  My Mom has no ability to read a Bingo card or play a game like that right now! Interesting to me, my Mom was with it enough to say to me, "Maybe we could sit out this round and just watch." Was she aware that she was unable to play? Did she remember the game of Bingo and how to play? Was she sensitive to the fact that we were late in coming and didn't want to start half way through? I'm not sure what she was thinking, but I told her I would be back soon and left her eating ice cream and sitting around the Bingo table. 

I literally cried the whole way home . . . until my life at home distracted me.  Although my emotions were all over the place that day, I have to say that I was overall pleased to find that she was probably about as happy as she could have been in her new home that day. 

The days since last Monday have not gone quite so smoothly unfortunately. Some days have been pretty good, but most days have been difficult for her, the staff, and my Dad who goes to visit her everyday and spends a few hours with her! There have been some very rough times with her not sleeping well, getting angry and swinging punches, trying to escape the place by digging her way out or climbing over the wall in the court yard, and banging on the doors and windows to let her out. One afternoon my Dad paid to have my Mom's hair done, in hopes that it would last 2 or three days, to have her get it wet and ruin it the very next morning. Oh my! Seriously, when does this all end? When does my Dad get a break?  I was talking to my Dad on the phone today about everything and he seems pretty down. Of course he is!  How could he not be? Dealing with  a wife of 51 years that doesn't know exactly who he is and he now returns to his empty home to the reality that he is now living alone! His emotions have to be all over the place too, although he always tries to keep a tough face with me! 

"She is suffering, and I am suffering right along with her," he said. "I wonder if the Lord would allow her to go home?" The home he is referring to is her heavenly home and I feel the same way. I hope that doesn't sound totally cruel to say but I really hope the end comes sooner than later. My Mom would want it that way and my Dad is very tired!  I like to imagine the reunion of my Mom reuniting with her Mom and Dad and her grandparents . . . what a glorious time that will be! 

Presently my Mom has been temporarily moved out of her Memory Care home and has been placed in a geriatric medical facility where they are trying to find the best possible meds for her right now . . to keep her unagitated and calm, and to help her sleep at night. It is a more difficult task than you would ever imagine! 

Visiting Mom on Conference Sunday!

Yesterday was General Conference Sunday, the day we usually meet at my parent's house in between sessions, and have lunch together with any extended family that's in town. We stopped to visit my Mom on our way and my son Tanner and one of my parent's past missionaries played beautiful music on the keyboard and violin for the residents there as they ate their dinner. Of course I cried most of the time we were there too.  Songs like "Nearer My God To Thee" and other such hymns played with a piano and violin about do me in anyway! I kept telling them to play some happier songs so that I could pull myself together! 

My Mom had a such a good time dancing and singing and complimenting Tanner and Becky over and over. She seemed so happy for the short period of time that we were there! At one point, during one of the songs, she acknowledged that she felt like crying as tears welled up in her eyes for a few seconds. No doubt she felt the spirit! It's amazing to watch her go from person to person talking to everyone as if they are her good friend that she loves and cares for. 

Tanner and Becky playing beautiful music!

I almost think my Mom is reverting back to her nursing days and sometimes thinks she is doing her rounds as a nurse. At one point she went into one of the rooms, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "I was just wondering if someone was in there that needs my help." Her sweetness, love and care still shines through even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how we all fit into her life or what is happening.
 
This has definitely been one of the hardest stages yet with this disease . . . at least for me! I know that we will make it through all this . . . I know it! How can we not?

Stay tuned next week for the continuation of my letter to my Mom.  There's so much more I want to say to her! 

Letter to Mom!

Dear Mom, 

Although I usually like to bike or walk (exercise) with friends or with you, occasionally I go by myself,  and I find that it's usually pretty therapeutic! Last Friday I went on a walk all by my lonesome self, on a trail by my house in Draper, and spent the entire time reminiscing about my life with you! Do you realize that you have been a part of my entire, 46 year old life? I have not known life without you and feel so lucky to have had YOU as my Mom!  Memories were just flooding into my mind and I didn't want to forget any of them, so I kept track of them on my phone. Yes, I typed in a long list of my thoughts on a "notes" app on my phone as I walked along the Draper path near the point of the mountain. Tears flowed easily and luckily I had my sunglasses on and not too many people were on the trail that day! It was a great therapy session for me! 

There are so many memories I would want to share with you and so many things I would like to thank you for and talk to you about! Problem is, I know that you will not comprehend or remember most of the things I would want to share with you. So I got the idea that I would write you a letter to express my feelings, although I am fully aware that you will not be able to understand any of it until a later time. My hope is that these letters will somehow make it to heaven when the time comes, when your mind is clear and healthy again. Mostly I just want you to always know and remember a few things:  how much you mean to so many of us, that your positive influence will always be cherished and remembered and that you and your goodness will live on in us forever. You lived a great life and we will never forget! 

I think this letter might have to be a two or three part letter because there is too much for me to include in just this one letter.  I may have to have a continuation next week! 

Last Thursday I arrived at your house around 1:30 for our usual weekly outing. Dad told me that you would be home around that time from your regular luncheon with the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. Although it was our weekly outing that we have done so many times before, it felt different and a little unsettling. There has been talk in the last few weeks about you going to live at one of those memory care homes and that has made me feel uneasy. Our outings and field trips together lately have not been the same. Communicating with you and taking walks and hikes has been a little difficult lately, as you often don't like to leave your "Big Boy" or you seem to get agitated quite easily and seem extra confused. 

When I arrived, you and Mafi had not arrived back home quite yet and so I took the time to do my hair since I hadn't done anything with it yet that day. I finished my hair and went into Dad's den where Dad was working on his correlation stuff on the computer.  Surprise surprise, right . . . Dad on his computer? haha :) What would Dad do without that computer of his?  I plopped myself down on the chair across the room from him, and almost immediately he said to me, "I've got something really important I want to talk to you about."  

Oh dread!  That's not really what I wanted to hear at that moment. He hesitated for probably only about 30 seconds as he gathered his thoughts, but it seemed like about 5 minutes at the time. My mind was going a hundred miles an hour trying to guess what it was exactly that he was about to tell me. Let's be real . . . I knew what was coming! The news I have been dreading for a long time was finally delivered, as he told me that your name had come up on a waiting list at this home and that he felt that it was the right time to move you in.  It's one of those Memory Care homes where their expertise is in working with people with memory problems and diseases like yours, Alzheimer's. I held it together for a few minutes and was able to ask a few questions, but you know me! Then I just lost it.  Of course I did!  When it comes to you and my family, you know that I'm a total crybaby and do not control my emotions well at times. 
    
Why am I dreading this whole idea so much? Why am I having a harder time now than I have in months . . . maybe even years? I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that upsets me so much about this whole memory care home idea!? I've concluded that it must be because I care about you so so much and know that no person in this new home will love you and care for you as we do, and therefore might not be as patient and loving as I would want! I also fear that you will feel abandoned and sad and that just breaks my heart! And then the thought of you leaving the home that you have lived in for the last almost 40 years just makes me sad. 

Please understand that extensive research has been done to find a home that will be best for you! This place has been highly recommended and supposedly has very friendly and competent staff and numerous activities for you to do and we are all feeling pretty good about it. But of course we have very mixed feelings about the whole thing as well! I'm trying to decide if you would be supporting this whole idea and encouraging us to go through with it, or would you be begging for us to keep you at home? I have a little feeling that you would be supportive . . . and I sure hope that I am right! I am so sorry that it has come to this and really hoped and prayed that it wouldn't, but such is life and we are going to deal with it in the best way we know how. Dad's hope was that he could keep you at home until the end, but it's just proven too hard for everybody, including you. I know you well enough to think that you would be in total agreement with our decisions. Please understand that we only want the very best for you and will make sure that you are taken care of in the best way possible!  You deserve the very best!

  

Going back to last Thursday, you and Mafi came home shortly after Dad and I spoke in the den, and you were unusually happy and talkative.  I was so glad to see that you were happy and seemingly unagitated. I haven't seen you quite that talkative and enthusiastic for a long time, but sadly, much of what you talked about made no sense. I repainted your nails the usual light pink color that I've been painting both of our nails lately and then we went on a walk. I decided to jump on the chance to go on a walk with you because you seemed willing and excited about the idea, and that has been rare lately.  And, it was a beautiful day!  The leaves are starting to change colors and I love this time of year, as I know you do too! As much as I didn't want to think about it, I  knew it would be the last or one of our last walks in your neighborhood. Our walk probably lasted a little less than an hour, with most of it spent listening to you happily talk about a variety of topics, and me walking alongside of you with tears uncontrollably flowing down my face.  I'm so glad that you were unaware that I was feeling so emotional since I didn't want to have to explain myself.  I guess it's just because I love you so darn much and realize that things are just never going to be quite the same . . . at least not during our remaining time on earth together.   (This photo here is from that walk, but for some reason it won't let me leave a caption underneath it.) 

I so look forward to life in the hereafter with you! Don't you ever forget our agreement about dancing and singing in heaven together! I can't wait for that, and know that there will be others who will want to join us too. And I hope that heaven has long and beautiful roller blade, biking and hiking trails that we can enjoy together! Remember that time that we rollerbladed all around Sanibel Island in Florida? That was too fun! And what about eating in heaven?  I think about your delicious sweet rolls and orange rolls that you would make and would teach me to make, and your homemade glazed donuts and raspberry jam!  I sure hope that cooking and eating is part of heaven too!  

You might be wondering if you made a difference in anyone's life because I know that you might not think so.  Well it was apparent from the way you lived your life that that is what you strived to do on a regular basis.  Don't ever forget that you had an amazing and positive influence on so many people!  Your influence as a Mom, a friend, a nursing careers teacher, cousin, sister, tennis partner, young women's leader, Grandma, etc. has been amazing and we will never forget!  

Our days here together are not over, I realize.  I'm almost talking as if you have died already and of course you haven't. I promise to visit you often at your new home and pray that it is a peaceful and joyful place for you. I will come and tickle your arms and paint your nails and massage your scalp and take walks and eat lunch with you.

I have so many more memories that I want to share with you, but I will have to wait until next week.  This letter is getting too long.  Love you so much!  I hope and pray that this transition to your new home goes as smoothly as possible this Friday.  Until next week!  

xoxox
Mardi