Mom's new living arrangements!

October 5, 2015

My Mom's last day at her home of 39 years!

Minus the big furniture items, a few of us moved my Mom's "stuff" in to her new place about a week and a half ago, and then she was moved in the next day on Friday. Her new home for now is a Memory Care Facility on the west side of Salt Lake City. 

The only way I can describe my last few weeks is to say that it's been like one big emotional roller coaster ride. I can only talk for myself, but I'm assuming that it's been the same for my Dad and siblings as well. My emotions have been so close to the surface and I don't like when this happens. I can't remember feeling this way for a long time . . . probably since the beginning stages of my Mom's disease, in the first few years when we were just trying to come to terms with the whole idea. 

Back about 10 years ago or so, I remember dreading the topic of my Mom being brought up in any conversation. I feared bursting into tears when someone would ask me how she was doing. Well I feel like I'm sort of going through a similar phase right now, not being able to talk about her in her new living conditions very well. Tears flow too easy . . mostly when I'm by myself, or if someone brings her up. I find that I avoid the topic with people when I can. Thank goodness I am busy with my home life and all my kids right now to distract me from this whole situation  . . . I need those distractions! I can tell though, with each passing day, that it is getting easier!

Paige and Mom, September 24th, 2015

With Paige (my older sis) and Mafi (home health angel) a week ago last Thursday, in my Mom's new room, we put sheets on her new bed, hung a painting of flowers on the wall that my Mom painted years ago, we put up a family photo, and placed her clothes in the closet. I even made a little run to Walmart to pick up a shower curtain and a few other items that we had forgotten. In my attempt to make her room as "homey" as possible, I also grabbed a little jack-o-lantern container and some candy acorn treats to put on her bedside table. To be honest, I had a hard time holding myself together while there in that place, as I found myself tearing up at every turn. Since it was Mafi's last day taking care of Mom too, she also was emotional and quiet. 

It's not that this new abode is a bad place because it seems like the best place for my Mom right now. The people are really friendly, it's clean and comes highly recommended . . . but it's just that this whole experience of my Mom being placed in a Memory Care "old person" facility is just surreal to me! I'm having a hard time grasping the whole idea that MY MOM has to be in a place like this! It's usually other people's family members that have to do things like that . . not my family! I've had a crazy time trying to sort out my feelings and figure out what exactly is upsetting me the most?! That is the question of the month! 

I believe my biggest worries have been . . . What if she feels abandoned? afraid? alone?  What if she cries and wonders why we are not letting her go home? What if she doesn't do well at a place like this?  What if she gets bored and sits in her room sad all day? What will she do all day? Who will be there for her in the middle of the night when she needs something? Who will shower her in the mornings? Will she make new friends? Will the staff be patient and loving with her? How will my Dad do at their house all by himself? Will he be sad? lonely? I am realizing that she will no longer be just a phone call away as she has been my whole life, and our weekly outings will not be the same! And then my ultimate worry . . How is this all going to end?

After visiting my Mom in her new place for the first time a week ago today, I was happy to find that she seemed pretty content, and not once did she mention anything about home or going home or where was her "big boy". I was relieved about that.  I really don't think she has any concept at all about where she is or what is happening. 

When I first arrived last Monday, the staff couldn't find her for a few minutes. As many of the residents probably hang out in their rooms for a large part of the day, she is and always has been such a social gal that most likely wanders much of the time. The great thing is that the home is set up in such a way that she can wander pretty far but yet remains locked in and secure. They can go outside into a courtyard, and into another hall and wing where they have televisions going . . and a piano room . . and treats for them if they want them. We found her in the piano room listening to one of the cute aids play the piano. After each song, the group of about 4 of them would clap after each number and my Mom would say "that's great!".  "I couldn't get a better audience than this!" the aid said. 

My Mom smiled at me as I arrived but did not give me any special greeting as one might expect from a Mom. I'm pretty certain she had no clue who I was at that moment! I could have been one of the aids for all she knew! She continued to listen to the music with her eyes shut for a few minutes and then, after some reluctance on her part, I finally convinced her to take me for a tour of the place. It ended up being me though that mostly showed her around. We went to the outside courtyard and repainted her nails and I think at that point she may have recognized me as that nice lady that spends time with her . . . maybe? We then went and hung out in her room for a while. 

 My Mom was her usual, happy self that talked almost nonstop, mostly about things that did not make sense to me. She talked about her Grandma Clara as if she was alive today and she introduced me to a few of the people there as her friend. One thing that she kept saying to me was "You should move in with me. That would be so fun!" At one point, my Dad called me to see how things were going and my Mom said a few times, "Ask him if he misses me," . . . and then she would giggle almost as if she were a teenage girl talking about her boyfriend. 

I literally had a lump in my throat the entire time I was there. Tears flowed on and off and I had a difficult time controlling my emotions. Fortunately though, she showed no signs of noticing, and I was happy about that. I had to get home to drive carpools so I ended up leaving her in the activity room where a group of about 10 women were playing BINGO.  How is it that some of these ladies, all with some form of dementia or Alzheimers, some of them appearing much older than my Mom, were playing with two Bingo cards at once?  My Mom has no ability to read a Bingo card or play a game like that right now! Interesting to me, my Mom was with it enough to say to me, "Maybe we could sit out this round and just watch." Was she aware that she was unable to play? Did she remember the game of Bingo and how to play? Was she sensitive to the fact that we were late in coming and didn't want to start half way through? I'm not sure what she was thinking, but I told her I would be back soon and left her eating ice cream and sitting around the Bingo table. 

I literally cried the whole way home . . . until my life at home distracted me.  Although my emotions were all over the place that day, I have to say that I was overall pleased to find that she was probably about as happy as she could have been in her new home that day. 

The days since last Monday have not gone quite so smoothly unfortunately. Some days have been pretty good, but most days have been difficult for her, the staff, and my Dad who goes to visit her everyday and spends a few hours with her! There have been some very rough times with her not sleeping well, getting angry and swinging punches, trying to escape the place by digging her way out or climbing over the wall in the court yard, and banging on the doors and windows to let her out. One afternoon my Dad paid to have my Mom's hair done, in hopes that it would last 2 or three days, to have her get it wet and ruin it the very next morning. Oh my! Seriously, when does this all end? When does my Dad get a break?  I was talking to my Dad on the phone today about everything and he seems pretty down. Of course he is!  How could he not be? Dealing with  a wife of 51 years that doesn't know exactly who he is and he now returns to his empty home to the reality that he is now living alone! His emotions have to be all over the place too, although he always tries to keep a tough face with me! 

"She is suffering, and I am suffering right along with her," he said. "I wonder if the Lord would allow her to go home?" The home he is referring to is her heavenly home and I feel the same way. I hope that doesn't sound totally cruel to say but I really hope the end comes sooner than later. My Mom would want it that way and my Dad is very tired!  I like to imagine the reunion of my Mom reuniting with her Mom and Dad and her grandparents . . . what a glorious time that will be! 

Presently my Mom has been temporarily moved out of her Memory Care home and has been placed in a geriatric medical facility where they are trying to find the best possible meds for her right now . . to keep her unagitated and calm, and to help her sleep at night. It is a more difficult task than you would ever imagine! 

Visiting Mom on Conference Sunday!

Yesterday was General Conference Sunday, the day we usually meet at my parent's house in between sessions, and have lunch together with any extended family that's in town. We stopped to visit my Mom on our way and my son Tanner and one of my parent's past missionaries played beautiful music on the keyboard and violin for the residents there as they ate their dinner. Of course I cried most of the time we were there too.  Songs like "Nearer My God To Thee" and other such hymns played with a piano and violin about do me in anyway! I kept telling them to play some happier songs so that I could pull myself together! 

My Mom had a such a good time dancing and singing and complimenting Tanner and Becky over and over. She seemed so happy for the short period of time that we were there! At one point, during one of the songs, she acknowledged that she felt like crying as tears welled up in her eyes for a few seconds. No doubt she felt the spirit! It's amazing to watch her go from person to person talking to everyone as if they are her good friend that she loves and cares for. 

Tanner and Becky playing beautiful music!

I almost think my Mom is reverting back to her nursing days and sometimes thinks she is doing her rounds as a nurse. At one point she went into one of the rooms, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "I was just wondering if someone was in there that needs my help." Her sweetness, love and care still shines through even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how we all fit into her life or what is happening.
 
This has definitely been one of the hardest stages yet with this disease . . . at least for me! I know that we will make it through all this . . . I know it! How can we not?

Stay tuned next week for the continuation of my letter to my Mom.  There's so much more I want to say to her!