Four Generations Together!

November 24, 2015

"Is it easier now that your Mom is in a care facility since you know she is safe . . or was it easier having her at home with your Dad?" This is a question a friend asked me last week, which has really made me think. My immediate response to her was that it's not easier, but harder having her in this care facility. I feel that it was definitely easier when she was at home with my Dad. I've been pondering the last few days about why I feel this way. 

First off, I knew my Mom was getting the love and attention I feel she deserves and that I would want her to have while living at their home of 40 years, and with her hubby of 50 years!

It's harder to visit her at this care facility because I can't just sit back and relax as I would at their house. All there is to do with her is sit with her and try to carry on conversation that is getting more and more difficult.

We can no longer take our weekly field trips and our walks and hikes. Those days are sadly over! At first I thought it might work out for me to take my Mom on little walks around the neighborhood where the facility is located, but I'm finding it's not as easy as it sounds. My Mom's medications make her too sleepy and she would be too confused about what we were doing!

Mostly I just find myself feeling unsettled all the time. Do you know that feeling where you know that something is bothering you and making you feel unsettled, but yet you just can't put your finger on what it is exactly? Well that's how I feel pretty much all the time . . . always wondering what my Mom is doing, and if she is happy, entertained and being paid attention to? Is she just sitting around doing nothing as the rest of us go about our busy lives? What is she doing all day? I don't feel at peace knowing she is not at peace. . . or is she at peace? Maybe she's more at peace than I think she is! I don't know! All I know is that she would not want to be living this way, in this state! 

I don't like going on family lunch outings and trips without her. It's weird and sad not having her there! Like for Thanksgiving this year, we will all be gathering without her and that just makes me beyond sad!

It's really strange being at their house or at extended family events without her. It always feels like there's something/someone missing, and of course there is! She is definitely missed! I find myself wondering what she would be doing or saying if she were there!

As you probably know by now, my emotions have always lied pretty close to the surface when it comes to my family, but now I feel that it is more than ever. I used to laugh at my Mother-in-law for getting emotional over a sad commercial or news story, but now I completely understand. Tears are hard to hold back these days.  

With all that being said, and as hard and difficult as it is to have my Mom's health deteriorating and living away and under these circumstances, I know that she could not be anywhere else right now. Her condition worsens by the day and week and it would not work at this time to have it any other way. I don't like it, but I have no other choice but to accept it.

First time great Gram Merrilee with Claire Merrilee

From what I've heard, Mom is not eating much these days and has to be fed much of what she eats. The caregivers at her home say that she is probably only eating about 10% of her meals and we can tell that she is losing weight. Dad is going to take a scale out there sometime and find out just how much weight she has lost. She is looking "skinny minny" . . and she did not have any weight to lose in the first place! I can't figure out why she wouldn't be eating much. Has she lost her appetite? Does she not feel much hunger anymore? Is she not eating on purpose?
  

Four Generations together. . me, Mom, Sarah and Claire!

My daughter and I finally made it out to see my Mom with my new little grand baby, Claire Merrilee last week. I was 
 anxious to get out there and get some photos taken of Claire and my Mom together, and also some photos of the four of us together representing the four generations . . . Mom, me, Sarah and Claire! I'm happy about the idea of Claire and Sarah both carrying my Mom's name! (Sarah's middle name is also Merrilee.) 

My Dad was also there visiting at the same time, which was a good thing. It makes it easier to have someone else there to talk to and he was able to take our pictures!

Mom was eating lunch when we arrived . . actually she was not eating at all but just sitting at the table with her lunch in front of her and two ladies and a caregiver sitting at the same table across from her. The lady right across from her was being pretty entertaining as she often choked on her bites of food. They were eating a turkey dinner that looked pretty good, but Mom was not eating. I tried to feed her a few bites but she did not seem interested . . . not even in the chocolate pudding for dessert? That is not like her at all . . . Mom loves her sweets! It was almost as if she didn't quite understand what was happening. She drank a little apple juice, but that's all I saw her put into her mouth! 

Mom was her usual happy and friendly self but appeared so sleepy and confused. She did not make eye contact with me, was not making much sense, and could hardly keep her eyes open. We walked down to her room where we were able to take some photos. In every photo taken, her eyes appeared closed. We don't know if the meds are making her like this (sleepy and eyes barely open) or if it just the disease progressing? My Dad suspects it might be a little of both! Regardless, I feel she is going downhill. Her confusion is extreme and her brief moments of clarity might be possibly gone now. 

I'm glad we got to visit with her and to get our photos. I have a feeling those photos, though not the greatest quality, will be treasures down the road!

The day before our 4 generation photo session with my Mom, I met my Dad, my Dad's sister Pat, sister Paige, daughter Sarah and grand baby Claire at lunch. The first few minutes were spent reminiscing about my Mom and what she used to be like. Aunt Pat recalled the kindness my Mom showed to her way back in Jr High, even before my Mom and Dad were dating. My Mom was a year older than Pat and Pat was emotional as she told us about the positive impact my Mom had on her way back then. Of course my tears flowed easily too as they often do these days. Pat said she was thrilled when my Mom and Dad started dating, and especially when they got engaged! Pat could not have been happier to get her as a sister-in-law! 

My Dad then started to tell us about an experience he had a few nights previous where he woke up in the middle of the night and how there was a period of time when it was somehow revealed to him as clear as day the way my Mom used to be. My Dad has told me a few times in the last few years how his good memories of my Mom have been fading fast and he has had a hard time remembering the good old days . . . and there were A LOT of those good times to be remembered! My Dad doesn't cry easily, but his eyes welled up with tears as he half cried and half laughed and told us he would have to tell us about his experience at a later time. His emotions were getting the best of him, which I understand all too well! I text him later that night and asked him to finish his story. He text me back . . . "I think I had your mother's inner self revealed to me. I recalled clearly what she was like prior to our mission in England. She was the ultimate in sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and selflessness. Along with the background of her lifelong dread of getting her father's same disease, I realized that this experience has been an unimaginable nightmare. The part I didn't mention was that here I was at 3 o'clock in the morning crying like a baby. What an experience!" 

I can only imagine what an emotional experience that was for him . . and what an incredibly hard thing this has been for my Dad to endure for more than a decade!

It's amazing what we can experience in the wee, quiet hours of the middle of the night! I'm sure that will be a memory he will carry forever!

As I have been reading through my Mom's journals lately, I have had experiences also with coming to remember the way my Mom used to be. It has brought many tears as I just miss her so darn much . . and the way things used to be! I feel as though I have gone through the stages of grief over and over and over over the last 10-14 years! Denial . . . Anger . . . Bargaining . . . Depression . . . Acceptance . . Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance . . . I thought I had reached the acceptance phase once and for all a while ago . . . but apparently it only lasted temporarily and now we're cycling through again! I would imagine that these phases will most likely continue to the end!

Some of my friends periodically ask or send me texts about how I am holding up. This blog post may make it sound like I am a walking basket case at all times, but really I am holding up just fine! Like I said, I feel unsettled much of the time, but my life with my husband, six kids,  now grand child, and friends go on as normal. I am going about my life with my normal happy self, with just my occasional quiet, teary moments. 

I will survive. No one should worry about me. I so appreciate everybody's loving support though. It helps a ton to know how many people care and how many people loved my Mom!  Thank you thank you! How great it is that we have each other to endure life's difficulties! Love to you all as you endure yours!