Perhaps a brief moment of clarity?

November 1, 2015

Dad and Mom with my oldest Sarah on Halloween, 1994

I went two and a half weeks without seeing my Mom while she was in that medical facility getting her medications regulated. It was tough not to see her . . and it was especially hard on her and my Dad too as they faced many difficult challenges during that time! My Mom was finally able to return back to her residence at the Memory Care facility a couple Tuesdays ago and I was able to go see her that next day on the Wednesday. I was amazed at how comfortable I was to go back there, even though that was the place that had brought me immediate dread and tears before. I guess I was just so happy that she was able to get out of that other place and I had so been hoping she could get back there asap. Our hope now is that she can stay at this place and that she won't become too difficult for the CNA's and staff there to handle.

You have to understand how unusual this is for my Mom to have aggressive and agitated moments. Her normal self has always been so mellow and calm. Yes, of course she raised her voice at times and got mad as any normal mother can, but she was normally so docile and kind and just the opposite of aggressive. As I have mentioned before, my Mom's aggressive behavior with this disease has not shown itself to me . . . but only once when she got mad at one of my younger sisters for something a few months ago. Other than that, I have only seen her usual calm and mellow self! So far her medications are keeping her calm, but perhaps too calm and sleepy. With the help of my Mom's doctor, my Dad is still making adjustments to the meds and trying to get it just right. We are looking for a happy medium between keeping her calm but not too sleepy.  

I said, "Smile Mom!" (A selfie, 1.5 weeks ago)

Isn't it ironic that my Mom used to teach a nursing careers class and train kids to be CNA's . . . and now she is on the other side of it all and being taken care of by them? She was a teacher who the kids adored and wanted to emulate by following in her shoes and being a nurse, or working in the medical profession. How the tables turn in life! I would love to know how many of her students pursued careers in nursing, or being a CNA or in the medical field? 

When I arrived last Wednesday to visit my Mom, I found her wrapped up in a familiar colorful afghan blanket as she was in the hall trying to get into a room a few doors down from hers. I'm not sure if she thought that was her room or what she was doing? It makes me wonder how much of her days are spent just wandering around on her own doing pretty much nothing? That makes me sad to think about . . . but she seemed happy at that moment and was in a much better state than I was expecting. She still seemed confused and didn't make a lot of sense when she talked, but somehow I think she knew me. At least I know that she was familiar and comfortable with me. My Dad arrived to visit her just a few minutes after me and so we all had a good visit together.

My Mom, in her still loving manner, has hugs for everyone! It doesn't matter who the people are -- a staff member, another resident or even the janitor, she has hugs for them! It's really quite cute to watch, but also a little awkward at times.  

One thing that frustrates me a bit is the fact that many of the activities this "Memory Care" facility provides do not meet my Mom's ability level, like playing the game of BINGO, and so I have the feeling she stays back at her room during a lot of them.  I'm not sure that she even realizes she is missing out on anything, but I just want her to have things to do during the day! I hope that the holiday season brings many musical groups into the facility! I think she would really enjoy listening to choirs sing and various musical performances! It makes me want to put a little plug in to all of you people who are musical and could provide great happiness for these people! Go volunteer at your local old folks community facility if you can! You'll bring happiness to many older and sick people, as well as to their grateful families! 

Towards the end of our visit, I couldn't help but think for a few minutes that possibly my Mom could have had some very brief moments of clarity? Could it be? As we sat and talked about the yard work that my Dad has been doing at their house, and about how their neighbor had come out to help pick up the thousands of pods in my parent's yard, my Mom said, "I can just picture Caroline (their sweetest next door neighbor) picking up the pods in the front yard . . . I will pick them up!" My Mom used to take on that job as hers and it kept her busy for hours . . and now she wants her job back!

And then as we were leaving, and as she put a huge hug on my Dad, she said, "I'm missing you . . . Where are you going? . . . Won't you let me come with you?" As we went to leave her sitting at the table to wait for her dinner to be served, and as my Dad departed for the door, she called my Dad by name . . . "Hey Mike. . . " and she repeated his name a few times. It felt like to me that for just a few brief moments she had some clarity and was realizing what was happening . . . and she couldn't believe that we were actually leaving her there!

I held it together so well up to that point. The thought of her thinking that we are abandoning her just about kills me and I lost it in the parking lot. At least I made it to the parking lot this time . . . I am making improvements! :) At this point in the disease as she is declining quite rapidly, as horrible as it may sound, I almost don't want to see improvement and moments of clarity. It's easier for me to hear that her condition is worsening and that she has no simple idea where she is or what is happening to her.  

I hope that doesn't sound like I am a an awful person that wants my Mom to deteriorate and die. You know, and she knows just how much I adore her, and I wish with all my heart that this wasn't happening to her.  As my aunt said on the phone a few days ago, "it's just so sad that this is happening to such a great person!" We just want my Mom to be comfortable and at peace, and maybe in order for her to have that, she needs to move on to the next realm. I am excited for the day that she can escape this failing mind of hers and go and be with her parents and loved ones who have moved on before. Is that so bad to wish for? Hopefully I don't sound like a thoughtless person!  

My Dad invited my family out to eat enchiladas with him the other night since he had a big pan full that he had made . . . yes, he has turned into quite the cook and even won first place at a chili contest at a ward party a little while ago!  Only a few of us could go . . . me, my married daughter Sarah and her hubby . . and my older sister Paige came too. It was good food and a fun time . . . but the absence of my Mom at their house is so strange! It's just so different to be there knowing that she's not just in the other room and about to round the corner. She is most likely never going back to that house and I kind of hate that idea. It puts a pit in my stomach to think about and it will take some time to get used to. As far as I know, my Dad wants to stay in that house that he has owned since I was 7 years old, which is understandable to a point, but it makes me wonder if it might be good one day for him to move out into a brand new smaller place that has no yard work and less to clean? Who knows what's best . . . but I guess it's really not my life or my business. My Dad will do what he feels is best for him!

Claire Merrilee, our first grandchild, born yesterday!

This past week has been an interesting one. I have experienced the very high highs of life and the very low lows of life. Life has a way of balancing out the sorrows with the joys and I often look at life being very much like a roller coaster of constant ups and downs. I guess that's how life is intended to be! I attended the funeral of a friend and acquaintance this past Friday afternoon, a gal about my age who died tragically, suddenly and unexpectedly one week ago today, leaving a husband and 3 children. There I sat at this funeral with tears flowing down my face because of the sorrow I feel for her young family who will miss her so much, while at the same time getting text messages from my only daughter Sarah who was in the hospital getting ready to have her baby . . and my first grandchild! I was, in essence, saying goodbye to one beautiful soul and welcoming another heavenly soul in one day! Such is the way life goes sometimes -- joys and sorrows, joys and sorrows! 

I am grateful for the knowledge I have that even though we will face much sorrow in this life, we will find great joys along the way . . . . and even better, there is a greater, ultimate joy that we can all find in the end . . . the chance to live with all our loved ones again with their healthy minds and bodies, and with our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father!  What could be better than that? 

That knowledge keeps me going!