The funeral and the days before and after!

January 28, 2016 

I mentioned in my last week's blog entry that the days following Mom's death felt strange. I can't hardly even explain what I felt in those days but I felt different, a little numb and out of it. I didn't sleep well as I woke every morning around 4 or 5am and could not shut my mind off. Life continued on mostly as normal here at my house, with the kids going to school as usual, and to piano lessons and to basketball practices etc. but I didn't feel like my normal self. I guess it felt strange to me that we, and those around me, could possibly be going on living a regular old life when my Mom, my beloved Mom, a person so precious to me, had just passed away! It didn't feel right that life go on as usual!

Last week was spent clearing clothes and belongings out of Mom's closets and drawers and dividing them between all the girls in the family . . . and writing talks and making viewing and funeral preparations. I spent a lot of my week collecting photos and arranging them into a video to be played at Mom's viewing on Sunday night and Monday morning. My son Tanner helped me a lot with that and I don't know how I would have done it without him! Although it caused me to shed many tears as we put the video together, it was very therapeutic for me! The video will be an awesome keepsake for years to come! Click the link below if interested in seeing this video of Mom and all of us through the years . . .

Merrilee Tanner Preece video played at her viewing

At Larkin Mortuary, Saturday January 23, 2016

 Me, two of my sisters, my two sister-in-laws and two of my aunts had the the special opportunity last Saturday of going to the mortuary and dressing Mom into her temple clothes, touching up her make up and making sure her hair and everything looked good. I also made sure she had a kleenex in her pocket as she always made sure that she had one tucked in her sleeves by her wrist or in her pocket. :) We have found many a kleenex in all her coats, pants etc.  

She looked simply beautiful! As expected, it was a difficult and teary experience, but so special at the same time. I am so happy that we were able to have that sacred and precious time with her!  

To be honest, the week earlier, when my Mom was still hanging on, I wondered if she should even have an open casket? She was so thin and her cheeks appeared to be so sunken in and I wondered if we should protect her in that way and have a closed casket? No one agreed with me and I'm glad that they didn't! I ended up being pleasantly surprised. Mom looked amazingly beautiful and I think she would have been very pleased.

The funeral was this past Monday and I thought it was a beautiful and perfect service for her! I like to believe Mom was there in spirit and I'm sure she was very happy with how all of it turned out . . . the music, the talks and the people who were there to honor her! It touched all of us so much to see the hundreds of people that came to show their love for us and for my Mom! I kept thinking that it was so fun to see all these people that we love and hardly get to see, but yet it was sad that it had to be under such circumstances!

I was happy with myself that I was mostly able to control my emotions during my talk . . . and I loved all of the talks . . . my Dad's and 3 of my siblings spoke with me . . and Paige did a great job reading the obituary that her and my Dad wrote, with her few additional comments. The funeral was recorded by the mortuary people and they said we would be getting copies soon, but I thought today I would include the first talk given by my Dad . . . . it so was insightful and honest and interesting! I've always loved my Dad's talks! 

I'll include the other talks later...

Funeral Thoughts by Dad . . .

Graveside family prayer after the funeral

            I think it’s a bit unusual for a bereaved spouse to speak at a funeral. But I would like to speak briefly because there are just a few things I feel I must say. I should say “try to say” because I know I don’t really have the capacity to fully express the emotions I’ve felt during the past weeks and months.

            In early July of 2003, Merrilee and I returned from our mission in England. It was about then that I began to notice that things were changing with Merrilee. When I mentioned this timeline to my children, they said, “No, you’re wrong, dad.”  They had noticed something was amiss eighteen months earlier when Merrilee returned to Salt Lake for my son Mike’s wedding.

Dad and the 6 of us kids!

           For all of her adult life she had repeatedly expressed the fear that she might one day develop “the same disease my dad had.” For eight or nine years after we returned from England, the progression of her disease was very gradual. During these years Merrilee largely denied that anything was wrong, though she required therapy for some anxiety that was doubtless one of the early manifestations of her disease. About three or four years ago, she was compelled to admit to herself that something was wrong. At that time, she was capable of a cruel insight into her condition, and with that insight came the realization of what lay ahead. Life then became something of a nightmare for her. During those months, she suffered literally daily―more than I can easily express to you. It was very difficult for me to watch, but my suffering was nothing compared to hers. She progressed rapidly during these last two or so years, but it has been a tender mercy that she has lost that insight and was not as tortured as she had been.

6 of the 21 grandkids

            I salute Merrilee as a woman who was called upon to endure a nearly insufferable hell as she watched her disease progress, and as she anticipated what her future would hold. She is certainly not alone in having to endure this experience. But it surely must be among the most agonizing experiences that mortality has to offer any of us. I will never look upon those suffering similarly without feeling deeply for them.

            I’m afraid I must admit to a significant weakness in my own character during the years I was her primary caregiver at home. As I struggled with my daily routines along with some expected frustrations and difficulties, it was difficult for me to truly maintain and feel the true perspective of just exactly what Merrilee was like before her illness began. You might well groan at the injustice of my failure, but I’ve come to know that others of us in analogous situations share this same weakness.

Our whole gang!

            About two months ago I―in one specific moment―paid, in a way, the price for my insensitivity. And I will never forget that moment. One early morning I was prayerfully contemplating Merrilee in one of my 3 AM meditation sessions. All of a sudden, a true perspective of Merrilee came flooding into my mind. I have come to believe this might have been a sort of divinely orchestrated, punitive intervention. I believe Merrilee’s true self was revealed to me in the form of a sudden avalanche of graphic, poignant memories. I particularly came to realize just what she had been suffering. And I saw that awful agony imposed on the pure, wonderful person she always was. I’m embarrassed to admit that I sobbed like a child there in my bed. 

            Merrilee was a beautiful, gentle, sensitive, practically guileless individual whose “arrows” and attentions were turned outward to others―except, perhaps, when she was on the tennis court. For me was a constant standard and counselor as to how I should live my life. She never harbored the slightest misgiving about the truth of the Church. I had to laugh several days ago when her older sister Deanne shared with me a brief anecdote. Deanne is three years older than Merrilee and this happened when Merrilee was about twelve.  Deanne reported to me that she graphically recalled a time in her bedroom when Merrilee had just been made aware of a few of Deanne’s teenage foibles. These apparently did not come up to Merrilee’s standard, and she recalled Merrilee’s standing with her hands on her hips and saying, “I just can’t stand people who don’t take their religion seriously.” That orientation to the gospel persisted all her life, though her expression of it took on a gentler and more patient tone.

My niece, Ashley

           Merrilee was solid and unbending regarding how we ought to deal justly with those around us. I sought her out regularly regarding advice on interpersonal and social matters.   When I regularly shared my most intimate thoughts, experiences, and misgivings with her, she often corrected and counseled me. But she never failed to somehow make me feel better about myself. I truly love her and depended abjectly on her completely reliable advice. I have truly missed that rich communication experience during the many years of our marriage.

            Carolee Harmon recently shared with a poem her daughter Holly had written about Merrilee several years ago when Merrilee was released as the ward Young Women’s president to serve as a counselor to the stake Young Women’s presidency. Holly was one of the Young Women in the ward at that time. I will not read the poem, but a few of its phrases caught the essence of Merrilee. Holly observed, “She’s neat, exciting, fun. She has a way to make you feel you are number one.”  Holly also wrote, “She’s touched us by her spirit” and “She’s clearly our role model.”

            I wanted also to express my profound appreciation for the literally hundreds of instances of charity you have extended to Merrilee and me during these past several months. I won’t mention any names because there have been so many, but you know who you are. I have truly been taught several powerful lessons in charity. I have not failed to notice that during this period of time, some of you have been unbelievably thoughtful at a time when I was aware that you had problems of your own. Yet somehow you’ve been able to extend yourselves beyond yourselves and attend thoughtfully to Merrilee and to me. I remember Elder Neal  Maxwell’s once saying, in his uniquely  poetic way:  “Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity!” (“The Women of God,” Ensign, May 1978, 10).

My family!

        I’ll share with you just one other brief anecdote that has deeply moved me. During the final few days of Merrilee’s life, I knew that she was going to die soon, but we didn’t know when. We all gathered around her bed on the day before her death, thinking it was going to be in an hour or two. By that afternoon, she had rallied. A few in the family wanted to spend the night in her room in the care facility because they didn’t think she should die alone. Being a bit more pragmatic, when evening came I insisted that they all go home to sleep. The next day, Monday, she was still persisting. My daughter Paige and I arrived at her bedside about 11 o’clock or so the next morning. To my surprise, I found one of Merrilee’s long time dear friends already there. I’m going to leave out this friends name for the sake of her own privacy. After spending an hour with Merrilee, I suggested we (Paige, Merrilee’s friend, and I) go get some lunch. During lunch, Merrilee’s friend asked me, “What would you say if I were to spend the night in the room with Merrilee?”  I discouraged her, saying that there was no good place there to sleep, and, anyway, we didn’t know when Merrilee was actually going to die. I thought I had talked her out of the idea.

            Later that night, after arriving home from an event at about 9:30, Merrilee’s friend called and said, “I’m here holding her hand, and she has just quit breathing.” Paige and I hurried out to the care facility. Merrilee’s friend was still there, and I saw in the corner of the room the things her friend had brought with her. There was a pad, a blanket, a pillow, and some crocheting materials. In spite of my advice, she was planning to spend the night sleeping on the floor.

Mom's siblings and spouses, minus Rick and Jan (on mission)

            A couple of days before Merrilee’s death another long-time friend drove 240 miles to Merrilee’s bedside and played her violin for Merrilee for over an hour, though Merrilee was essentially in a coma. She then drove back home the same evening.

            I could talk for a long time, but I won’t. Let me just leave a short verse of scripture with you. I suspect it is a verse that you’ve never paid any attention to. In fact, you may not recall ever having heard this verse. But it has become profoundly important to me personally, particularly as I have dealt with Merrilee’s problems. It is Galatians chapter 4, verse 6. Paul wrote:  “And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your heart, crying, Abba, Father.”  “Abba” is a familiar form of “father” meaning something like “dad.” You might wonder why this verse is even pertinent to me. It is that for some months now, I have noted that when I’m apprehensive and unsure and in need of a confidant, I frequently find myself silently and repeatedly saying, “Father!”  This often happens several times a day spontaneously and without my really understanding why. I’ve decided it’s sort of a prayerful plea for help.

7 of the grand kids at lunch after the funeral

            I truly love Merrilee, and I pray she will still love me when I meet her again. Some of you know me well enough to know of my testimony. I know with all my heart that this mortal place is not our real home. It’s not our real life. That one follows this one and lasts forever and will be truly exciting. I so look forward to spending it with Merrilee.

Of course Mom will still love my Dad!  I have no doubt!  I'm sad that he even questions that!

The days after . . .

These days after the funeral have mostly been good for me, as I have felt at peace for the most part. I still find myself having small episodes of sadness as I have had all along the way during these last 14 years, but these episodes only last a minute or two at a time. I would imagine that it will be this same way throughout the rest of our lives where we catch little glimpses and reminders of her along the way and miss her terribly. The reality of the situation hits at the most random times! 

As my transition back to normal life has been pretty smooth since the funeral, I think it has been a different story for my Dad, and maybe for my older sister too. I believe the funeral for my Dad was a huge reminder of the way Mom used to be, and he is now mourning the loss of the real her, the person she was before this disease all started! "I remember more now than ever what I am missing!" he told me. He mourned over his wife in the care center and the wife he struggled with for the last number of years, but now his memories have been refreshed and I think he's struggling more now than before. Ughh! It's so not fun to watch family members be sad and I hope things get easier for them quickly! 

Paige, my older sister's life has centered so much around helping and serving my Mom in the last years, alongside my Dad, that I think she is really feeling the void also right now.  I pray that I can help her fill that void somehow!    

I am super busy in my life right now as we have just a few weeks to get one of my son's ready to leave on his mission. He leaves in less than 3 weeks and we have a lot to do! That has been helpful to keep my mind in other places. 

People continue to bring and send flowers and gifts and notes . . . we are all blown away at how kind and thoughtful and empathetic people are. Thank you again for your love, care and concern for us!

Finally, there's a small part of me that feels totally robbed of my mother, as she was taken younger than most, but then the other part of me knows that this is just life, our lot in life and this is just what happens sometimes! We should expect the unexpected, be ready for hardship, remember the bigger picture, keep our heads up, and be grateful for the blessings in our life! I am so thankful that I have been blessed to have Merrilee Tanner Preece as my Mom and I will strive for the rest of my life to keep her memory and legacy alive!

Miss and love you, Mom! xox

The train finally arrived!

January 21, 2016

While talking to the hospice nurse on Monday night, she said in regards to my Mom, "Her bags are packed and she's just waiting for the train!" I'm liking that little analogy! Mom's bags had been packed for a while, but the train was just not coming! One of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal was waiting for "the train" to come and pick her up! We had been ready for a while, but the train was not ready to come get her! We had to be patient and have faith that it would happen when it was supposed to, when the train was ready to come get her.

This is what I imagine Mom doing in heaven!

I'm happy to say that the train finally did show up and took my Mom to her home sweet home on the evening of Martin Luther King day, January 18th, and I can only imagine the reception she got when she arrived! I'm sure it was very sweet with many of her loved ones there . . . and as my uncle said, he imagines that their Dad, my Grandpa, probably picked her up and swung her around as he often used to do!

I teased with the nurse and said that I thought the train maybe wasn't coming yet because the party wasn't quite ready for her. I was envisioning my grandparents and loved ones who have gone before, all planning a big party for my Mom, and they just weren't ready with all the preparations! Wow, that must have been some party they were planning! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at that party in heaven! :)

Just a few hours before my Mom's passing, I went to visit. Although I had said goodbye to her a number of times before, no one could predict if it would be that day or a few days from then that she would pass on, but I just knew I wanted to go everyday that I could and spend as much time with her as was possible. In a way, I really wanted to be there when she passed . . and I especially didn't want her to be alone when she did. 

When I arrived at about 3:30 pm, Paige (older sis) was there with one of my parent's awesome former missionaries, Becky. My Dad and Paige had also been there earlier in the day. I found Mom's breathing to be better than it had been the day before and mostly she just sounded like she was breathing deep while sleeping. There weren't the long pauses in between her breaths as there had been before . . . only occasionally. They said her blood pressure (the top number) had remained around 70 all day and her saturations were low like the day before.

It was just a waiting and guessing game at this point . . . guessing when that train would arrive! The hospice nurse predicted it would be anytime within the next few days . . . maybe that night or in a few?  With no food or drink for almost 6 days at that point, we just knew it had to be soon!

Becky, one of my parent's beloved missionaries, drove all the way down from Idaho to spend time with my Mom and to play her violin for her. She is an amazing violinist and loves my Mom! It touches me, often to tears, to see these people who love my Mom so much and to hear about the many lives she has touched. Becky had played for my Mom before I arrived too but I got to hear her play "Come Thou Fount" and "God Be With You Til We Meet Again". It was amazing! That's all I can say! I hope my Mom and her spirit were somehow able to hear and comprehend what was happening at that moment . . . even if just in a small sort of way.  Here is a link to hear just a snippet of it . . . my phone died after a minute or so! Here is the link to a  
Short snippet of the beautiful violin music!

Paige and Becky left and I decided to stay for another hour or so. I talked to the CNA who was coming in to check her every 15 minutes and to the hospice nurse who have been coming twice a day for a month or so. They were all so nice and gentle and calming. Suzanne, the hospice nurse told me that their job is to make these patient's departures from this life as pleasant and comfortable as possible, and I found it fascinating to find out that it didn't matter when their patients died, they always go back to be with them and the families. Even though she lives way up in Farmington, she said she would be back regardless of the time that my Mom passed. It's amazing to watch them in action, talking to them in such a calming voice. Suzanne told Mom that it was ok to go home. "You can go Merrilee. Your family is ok with it!"

I've had a hard time believing that my Mom has been hearing or comprehending anything people have been saying to her lately, but the hospice nurse convinced me that since the hearing is the last sense to go, I should talk to her . . . so I did. I knelt down next to her bed, held her hand, rubbed her head and talked to her, probably for about 10 or so minutes. I can't remember everything I said to her but I know I told her that we were so sad but ok with her going. "We will miss you so much but know that it's time! Go and be with your Mom and Dad!" Say hello to Grandma and Grandpa Tanner and Grandma and Grandpa Preece and Great Granny Storrs and Grandma Cora and Uncle Bill and Uncle Rick . . ." "Don't have too much fun up there without me . . . explore the hikes so that you can take me on some adventures when I get there to join you . . . there are so many people who love you . . . I hope you will be our guardian angel . . . love you so much!"

I turned on Tabernacle Choir music, kissed her on the forehead two different times and left around 6:30pm.

I planned on returning the next day.

Ironically, a few hours later, it was while my family was all gathered around our family room doing our regular scripture reading around 10pm that I got the phone call from Paige telling me that Mom had just passed a half hour earlier, and they were on their way out there to meet the mortuary people.  All I knew at that point is that her friend Bonnie had been with her when she passed, and I was so glad.

Mom passed peacefully from this life and into the next at 9:27pm, Monday, January 18th.

Of course I cried. I cried from relief, from joy, and from sadness all at the same time! I felt numb and didn't move off the couch I was sitting on for about two hours as I sat texting family and receiving messages from friends and family. My first thought as I heard the news was that I was so sad that I had not been there when she passed . "If only I would have known she was going later that night, I would have stayed!"

I'm pretty sure now that it all happened the way it was supposed to and the way my Mom perhaps wanted it to be. Perhaps she hadn't been ready to get on that train until that night, that moment! 
 
I found out the details later of what happened that night as she passed away, and it is pretty special. Some information you must understand is that my Mom's friend Bonnie, the same friend who spent Christmas Eve with my Mom, and has been out many times to visit her in the care facility, had planned to go stay the night in my Mom's room that night. She showed up around 9pm with her sleeping gear and things she needed to stay the night.

From the words of Bonnie:

"I think your Mom wanted to do it her way and with her timing. I barely made it before she passed. Perhaps she was trying to do it privately on her own, who knows.

When I arrived at Legacy, the attending night nurse let me in, and made the comment that he thought she was close and that she had very labored breathing when he checked her last. I asked him if that meant her breathing was irregular or that there was 10-15 seconds between breaths. He responded both. He said she was working very hard. I ran down the hall and entered her room. She had her eyes partly open and they were not "glazed" over but there was a tear in her right eye. I spoke to her telling her who I was, stroked her head and reached for her hand which was under the covers . . and it was indeed soft and warm. I then noticed that she had not made any breathing sounds so I tried to listen for such. The CD player was on and I rushed over to turn it off so I could hear better.  I remember the hymn that was playing was...."Be Still My Soul".  (I'm thinking that the attending nurse must have turned back on her music!) So beautiful and so appropriate as I think back on it. I returned to her side and her chin quivered and then her eyes seemed to fixate and glaze over. Since she had not gasped for a breath, like earlier in the day, I thought she was indeed passing. Her color was good, her countenance was beautiful and she was calm and peaceful.

At this point, I called Paige and reported to her Merrilee's condition. I think you know the rest, but how grateful I am that I could sit there alone for a few minutes and ponder where she was and what she was doing, compared to where we are and what we are doing. Paradise. Paradise. Paradise. With loved ones hugging and laughing and smiling. It was so peaceful. It was all so calm. It was very beautiful. 

The staff came into the room and listened for a heartbeat and tried to find her pulse. She had indeed returned to her Heavenly Father, willingly and with joy.

I know she loved each of you dearly.  She always spoke so lovingly about you.  She was so very proud of each of your accomplishments and the goodness that you were in her life. If she could have smiled she would have.

I reached over and closed both her eyes. The right one kept opening a crack like she couldn't quite leave, but at that point we all knew her spirit had left her body. Her mouth was still open and lifting her chin to close it worked for a second or two and then reopened. The nurses came in and checked to see that she was clean, rearranged her to a more comfortable position, rubbed sweet smelling lotion on her arms, brushed her hair and applied lip balm to her lips. They then placed her hands one over the other on her stomach. They were very attentive and gentle and caring. Neither of them had prepared a body for burial but had only experience the closeness of death. They were saints and said lovely things about her and that she would be missed. They then left only to return very shortly with another aide who wanted to say good bye. She was from the Middle East. 

 I offered a prayer of love and gratitude and waited for Paige and your Dad to arrive.  Again, the Spirit was strong and all was peaceful and calm. What a way to exit this world. She was an elite woman. She was such an example of goodness, happiness, fun and determination. She was MY good friend.

Words are inadequate, but they are all we have.

I hope I met your family's expectations."

Yes you did, Bonnie, and we are so grateful that you followed your promptings to be there with her that night!

It has been an odd sort of week this week as I have felt a little out of sorts. I know some of my siblings have said the same thing. It seems strange to move on with normal life as our mother, wife, friend, sister, has passed on and will never again interact with us during this earth life. My brain is a bit foggy and feels a bit dead at times. I would say ninety percent of the time, I am able to keep my emotions under control and am moving on mostly with life as normal, but my random little breakdowns continue as they have on and off throughout this whole ordeal. I wonder if they will continue even for weeks and months after the funeral is all over and done? I would imagine they probably will continue but hopefully they will get more and more spread out!

Staying busy right now is helpful. We have talks to write and videos to prepare and Mom's closets to clean . . . and that is good. Keeping busy helps keep emotions under control. I heard my Dad say on the phone yesterday to one of his friends who was calling to check up on him . . "I'm good now as I have so much to do and so much to think about, but it's after the funeral that I wonder about!" I'm sure that's when the reality will really hit! 

I have found that people are truly amazing when it comes to mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort! People know just the right things to say and do, and that is impressive to me! I've always struggled with what to do or say to people that have lost loved ones! You all seem to know what you are doing and I appreciate so much the love and support I have felt and received this week from friends and neighbors, extended family, Facebook and Instagram friends etc. I have learned a lot from you!

Thanks for your phone calls asking what you can do to help, for your emails telling about what a difference my Mom has made in your life, for the Facebook messages and texts expressing your condolences and love, for the dinners, the brownies, the hugs, for putting our names on the prayer roll in the temple, for letting us borrow your car while two of our cars are under the weather and in the shop, and for your listening ear!

You have made all the difference!

Love to you all!

Here is a copy of the obituary that came out today in the paper . . . click on the link below . . 

Mom's obituary in the Deseret News

She is one tough cookie!

January 18, 2016

She's goin' home!

Late morning yesterday I got ready for church early and headed out to see my Mom. My plan was to stay with my Mom for an hour and a half or so and then go to church and hear my son give his youth speaker talk in church. Things changed. 

When I arrived, the hospice nurse was with Mom getting her dressed. She had given her a bed bath and I got to help put her clothes on. As all these experiences are emotionally hard for me, I was so happy that I was there to help with that. It's not easy getting someone dressed that is out cold like that. Mom is now in a coma and no longer feeling her agitation. I'm so happy about that. As always, I cried as I pulled her shirt onto her skinniest body and tied up her pants that were way too big for her. She is probably close to 90 pounds now and looks like she is straight out of Holocaust! I'm amazed at how these experiences can be so hard and upsetting, yet so peaceful and good!

I was able to spend about an hour alone with my Mom before my Dad and sister arrived. We listened to music, I finished her nails that I had started a few days earlier, rubbed her head and plucked out some unwanted little hairs on her chin. Hopefully that's not too much info to be telling you, but I promised my Mom, in a joking but serious sort of way, years ago, that I would make sure that she looked presentable and good on her death bed. I am keeping my promises and made her look pretty darn good I must say! And she did not appear to be in any pain or feel any discomfort from it! She would be happy I think. 

Love this lady!

I sat and listened to her breathe very sporadically. It was almost as if she wasn't breathing for 10-15 seconds at a time, and then she would blurt out a snore-like quick breath. It was strange and different from anything I have ever seen, so I text my Dad about it while he was in his own Sacrament Meeting. He told me it sounded like it was something called "agonal breathing" and often comes right at the end before someone dies. My Dad and sister had planned to go to all three hours of church before coming out to be with Mom, but my Dad quickly changed his mind and came right out at the end of his first meeting. 

My Dad took her blood pressure and could hardly find it at all. The high number on top on the blood pressure, or the systolic number I believe, was 60 at first and slowly kept going down and down . . . 60 . . 50 . . 40 . . mid thirties . . we thought for sure that she was on her way out and not going to live more than another hour. My whole family came out to say their goodbyes and I am so glad that they were able to be there at this time. Painful, YES, but such a good lesson and so therapeutic for all of us to be with her as we thought she was going to pass. As time went on and the feeling in the room got a little lighter, Mom's blood pressure started to slowly rise. Hospice says that sometimes happens with a room full of people that love her so much! 

My aunt and uncle ended up coming and a cousin and his wife too. It was a very peaceful day and I'm so glad that I was able to be there!

Needless to say, I never did make it to church and missed Britt's talk! The family said he did great though!

We debated whether or not we should keep a family member there to be with her at all times, and everyone was ready and willing to take their shift, but the hospice nurse and my Dad convinced us otherwise and we all went home. 

The nurses at the center supposedly checked on her every 30 minutes in the night and were to call us with any happenings. This morning the hospice nurse says she slept very peacefully and I am happy about that. Blood pressure is up, saturation levels are up and I don't think we know quite how to feel about this. She is one tough cookie and has such a strong body and heart that is not wanting to give in quite yet! We are forced to be patient!

Signs are showing fluid accumulating in her lungs this morning but I guess she is not feeling any of it. Thank goodness for good meds and for the fact that she is not feeling any of this! 

Whether or not she can hear us talking to her though is the mystery. Not knowing, we all talked to her all day anyway and hope she could hear us! 

Come and get her angels! She is ready! 

My boys!

My Dad and sister are there with her now as well as one of her most fabulous, old friends from high school, Bonnie. She has been out a handful of times to spend time with my Mom and that touches me beyond words! 

I am headed out again today again and I am pleasantly surprised to find that I'm not dreading it quite as much as I have in the past. I welcome the peace that I feel there with her and am not as afraid of my erupting, random emotions. I guess I've learned that's it's ok to just let it out! 

As my Dad told me on the phone this morning, "Only the angels know when she will go . . . but it will probably be within the next few days."

Agonizing wait!

January 17, 2016 (Sunday)

This waiting game is agonizing! I don't know how to better describe these last few days. Tears and mini breakdowns have come on and off for many of us, I know, at the most random times!

Happy photo from a few years ago!

Mom is now heavily sedated and on morphine, she hasn't drank or eaten anything for a few days (other than a wet sponge being put to her lips), her body is starting to cramp probably from malnutrition, and we want so badly for this to end and for her to pass on! We want her free from her diseased mind and now failing body!

I've been up since 5am with my mind churning. The thought of her lying in her bed in her room by herself makes me beyond sad. My heart is racing and I feel my body literally shake at times as I think about it! I think I'll get ready here pretty quick and head out there to sit with her. I don't know what else to do!

Another happy photo of Mom and friends!

I did not go visit her yesterday but my Dad and Paige went . . . and Steve and Jenny drove down from Idaho with three of their kids to see her one last time. They said it was horribly painful to see her like that! Ashley, their ten year old oldest, just sat and cried and told me last night that she wished she hadn't gone. Katie also went on Friday afternoon and said it was a very tearful experience for both her and my Mom! I guess she said my Mom even got tears in her eyes as she talked to her! This surprised me as I have just supposed and hoped that my Mom has not been aware of what has been going on around her in the last few days. We have been discussing her funeral in her same room and talking about her like she can't hear us! What is really going on in her head and how much is she comprehending? I have no idea but hope she understands very little!

My boys and nephew Matthew at dinner last night!

Since I last saw Mom on Friday, I guess she has fallen out of bed twice, once we think smack down on her face and nose. To add more to this most painful experience, she now has a big cut on the top of her nose and her nose is swollen . . . she possibly could have broken her nose! Seriously? My Dad has rearranged the room now so that her bed is against the wall and the couch is pushed up against the other side of the bed to prevent her from falling out anymore and she has been given pain meds. The thought never even entered my mind that she could possibly fall out of that bed, but of course she could!

For everybody that has been to see her lately, they have said that she has seemed agitated and uncomfortable.  I've heard that this is a sign of the end. We are hopeful!

Her meds have been increased to make her more comfortable!

Two new grand baby girls and great grand baby girl last night!

Paige and I were able to get her nails cut and painted on Friday and help beautify her face as I promised her we would do. It wasn't an easy task in her agitated state and we felt bad to bother her like that. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to be left alone and we tried to hurry to be able to let her be! I tried to give her water from a sponge but she hardly responded.

Please join us in prayers that my Mom can go home very soon! xoxox

I wanted to take this time to thank so many of you for your supportive and loving Facebook messages and texts, and to the large handful of you who have visited her and rubbed her feet . . . and sang songs with her and to her . . and played music for her! You have no idea how much your love and concern means to us! Thank you a ton! 

It is a rough time, no doubt, for me, my Dad, my siblings, for many of the older grand kids who are fully aware of what's happening and for extended family and friends . . . but we know we will survive it somehow!

Thanks again for your love and support . . we love you!

The end is near!

 January 15, 2016

Josh and Mom a few weeks ago!

You may know of my debate within myself of whether or not I should be taking my kids out to see my Mom in these last days. After my last blog post, I had enough people tell me that they thought I definitely should, so a few weeks ago we ended up taking a few of my boys out to see my Mom on our way home from one of our boy's basketball games, not too far away from her care center. My oldest and youngest sons were with us and my Mom was sitting up in the common living area when we got there. 

I thought I would be able to control my emotions a little better with my kids there, but I was definitely wrong. It was made even more difficult as I watched my youngest son, who has such a tender heart, try to control his own emotions. He cried because I was crying and I cried because he was crying. My Mom kept her eyes closed for most of the time, didn't talk much and didn't seem to understand who any of us were. The little that she did say was hard to hear and hard to understand. I still can't decide if I want my kid's last memories of my Mom to be these!??

Last weekend I went to sit with my Mom while Matt (my hubby) went to speak at a fireside at a ward building, coincidentally, right down the street from my Mom's care center. Mom was asleep in bed when I got there (at 7:15pm) and stayed that way for most of the time I was there. For a little over an hour I sat there next to her, rubbing her head and shoulders while at the same time, organized photos of my Mom that I could find on my phone. Mom appeared a bit restless at times, but for the most part she laid there quietly and peacefully as I watched her and listened to her loudly breathing. I could tell she was awake a few different times and I tried to talk to her. She only said a few things . . . I told her that Matt was speaking down the street and she said, almost automatically, "Oh, where is he speaking?" And then during one of her restless moments, as she appeared to try and get comfortable, I told her to just relax and go to sleep. She said, "ok I will" and went quickly back to sleep.

My tears didn't stop flowing as I sat with her that night going through old photos of her . . . but there was something so peaceful and therapeutic about sitting there with her in the quiet and almost darkness. For the most part, she appeared at peace, and that made me feel peace.

As my tears continued to flow for half of our drive home, Matt asked me what it is that triggers my emotion. "When you feel emotional, what is it that makes you feel that way? . . . What are you feeling? What do you think about when you start to cry?" To be honest, I just can't pinpoint exactly what it is that triggers my tears and makes me so sad. My tears just come at such random times and I don't know how to feel half the time. I think I am safe to say that none of us family know how to feel!

I feel like I'm carrying around a big pot of mixed emotions all the time and then I often have to set that pot aside as I deal with my everyday life with my kids and calling! Part of me wants so badly for this to all to come to a close quickly and for her to be at peace once and for all. I want her out of the care center and with people on the other side that love and adore her. I want her to have her healthy mind back. I like to imagine the great reunion on the other side with her and her parents, grandparents and friends who have passed on before. I like to think that maybe when she is on the other side, perhaps I will somehow be able to talk to her and she will hear me . . . and understand me with her right mind. 

But then of course the other part of me does not want this era to ever end! After all, I have not known my life here on earth without her in it! Life will be strange here without her for many of us! There will be no more shopping trips, luncheons, hikes, bike rides, walks, phone calls, Valentine cards, hugs, kisses, or anything from one of my favorite people in all the world! It will definitely take some getting used to and I sure hope she's able to stay close after she passes on! I don't know much about guardian angels but I sure hope that maybe she can be one of ours! I want to feel her close at all times! 

I got the dreaded phone call from my Dad yesterday morning, coincidentally as I was sitting on my couch putting together a slideshow of photos of my extended family with my Mom ... I've felt compelled this last week to get going on it and to read up on memories with my Mom. "Mom was not responsive this morning . . they couldn't wake her up . . I have a feeling it's not going to be long . .", he told me. I've always known this day would come but had a hard time comprehending that this time is here. 

My older sister Paige and I went out a few hours later, yesterday afternoon, and found her more responsive and awake than expected. She was even trying to open her eyes when we arrived, and attempted to sit up and even stand up. We used a sponge to give her water and with us on each side of her, holding her arms, we walked her down the hall about 20 feet and back and gave her drinks and chapstick. I gave her licks of a See's chocolate sucker and a small piece of a peppermint candy cane and we rubbed her head and talked to her . . with little response from her. She mumbled a bit and said some things that we couldn't quite make out. 

Mom seemed agitated and uncomfortable and not able to relax very much. My Dad soon arrived and we quickly came to the conclusion that my Mom can no longer be left alone in that state. She is very unsteady on her feet and I guess lately has been found laying in strange places . . . in her shower with her clothes on, outside her door on the floor etc. Our fear is a fall and a broken hip or some other broken bone . . . and that would not be good at this point! My Dad and the nurse decided a mild sedation is probably best right now . . . to keep her calm, relaxed, unagitated, and in one place. We don't want her walking around anymore! 

Dad gave her a blessing to know how much we all love her and to know how aware Heavenly Father is of her and her condition . . . and to tell her it's alright to go home. He mentioned the reunion that she will have upon arriving on the other side, among other things. 

We all gave her a kiss, told her we love her and left her sleeping in her bed.

I want to go visit her again today with Paige and my Dad and anyone else who can come. I want to clean, cut, file and paint her finger nails, and just be with her.  

It's hard to tell at this point if she will go sooner or later. It could be tomorrow and it could be a month from now . . I pray that it is soon and peaceful! 

Here is one of the slideshows I recently created . . . this one is of my immediate family and my Mom! Click below . . .

 My Mom and my fam flipagram!

Sure love her!

"I'm just gettin' happy!"

January 1, 2016

Happy New Year!  Can't believe another year has come and gone! 

This has been an exceptionally different holiday season this year . . without my Mom! It doesn't feel quite right to be gathered with family in St. George, at my parent's house, and other places for these happy occasions, and not have my Mom there with us! I tried not to think about it too much, but I definitely felt it. Pulling up to my parent's house is the strangest for me right now, knowing that she will not be there to greet us with her usual happy self! It will definitely take some getting used to!

 

Me, Dad and older sis, Paige, Christmas Eve, 2015

Since my last blog entry a few weeks ago, I have visited with my Mom a few times. This is a painful experience watching my Mom deteriorating right before our eyes. My Dad has said the same thing to me. I want to go visit her, of course, but then I don't want to at the same time. It brings up emotions in me that I don't feel comfortable with, but know it's important for me to face these feelings head on and work through them. This is what life is all about, right?!  

If I were to have a conversation with my Mom about 10 years ago and ask her what she would want as far as visitors at this point in her disease, what would she say? Would she want her grand kids to see her in this state . . . 30 pounds down, eyes closed, sleepy, hunched over and making very little sense in what she says . . . or would she tell me to keep them away and preserve the good memories of her in her healthy state? What would YOU want? I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want my grand kids to see me that way, but of course I would hope that my children would continue to visit me . . . . and that's why I do it!  NO REGRETS!  As I've said, I want no regrets when this is all over and done! 

My husband and I are disagreeing a bit about whether or not we should be taking our kids to see her at this point. I think it's probably best that they don't go since those are not the images of her that I want them to carry through their life . . but he thinks they should go . . and especially the older kids! I understand his viewpoint and can see the good in them seeing her like this, but I also don't want to put them in an uncomfortable and sad position. I did not go see my Grandma Tanner in her final stages of her brain disease years ago when I was ten and I also chose not to see my Grandpa Bill within the last 10 years on his death bed . . . and I feel ok about that. What do YOU think?

Enjoying a See's sucker, December 2015

During my visit a few weeks ago, I was so happy to find my Mom in a fairly good and happy state. Surprise surprise, but I was able to control my emotions for most of the time.  When I first arrived, my Mom was sitting at the table eating her lunch. Actually she wasn't eating at all but just sitting there with her head down and her eyes closed. Instead of the staff helping her eat, I got to help her eat this time . . . and it was a challenge! She would hardly open her mouth and did not seem too interested. I felt satisfied though with the fact that I got her to eat all of her jello and half of her potatoes, which was better than she had done in her previous few meals. Another resident sat next to me at the table and kept telling me how beautiful I was and asking me what was the matter with my Mom. She was a happy lady and helped me to keep my spirits up.

We went back to my Mom's room after lunch and turned on some Christmas music and just sat on her couch. I had brought her a little bag of Sees suckers and candy canes to eat and she seemed just content to sit and eat her sucker and tap her hands occasionally to the beat of the music.  

At one point, I said, "Are you getting sleepy?" . . . to which she replied,

Selfie with Mom a few weeks ago!

"No, I'm just gettin' happy!" I loved that answer and it made me smile!  

She kept saying, "that's wonderful!" or "that's great!" to most everything I told her. I painted her nails for the first time in a few months and I left that day feeling pretty good.  She seemed happy and I was proud of myself for mostly controlling my emotions that day! 

Christmas Eve day last week, Matt (hub) and I went out to visit her again and she was in a similar state. Matt did most of the talking as I found myself extra emotional. I'm not quite sure why I couldn't get the tears to stop flowing that day . . . and they continued to flow for half our ride home too. It's the strangest thing . . . my tears stop flowing almost as fast as they start and I don't have a clue what it is exactly that makes them turn on and off like that? Maybe that's just part of the grieving that you do when you have lost someone, or in the process of losing them? Emotions come at the most unpredictable times!

Matt brought up a lot of memories with my Mom that day and many of them seemed to light a spark in her. The best was when he brought up "Jibbies".  This might be hard to explain, but in my Mom's extended family, they have what is called a "jibby" where they cup their hand and "jibby" the bottom of someone's buttocks. :) Haha this probably sounds like they are some sort of perverted family, but actually they are quite the opposite. It's just a funny thing that they do to each other as a rite of passage of being a part of the "Tanner clan" and Matt still laughs that his mother-in-law used to "jib his buns". When Matt brought it up last week, her face lit up, she put her hand in that familiar cupping position and she said, "you've got to watch out with those!" :)

Matt and Mom, December 24, 2015

I want and need to go see my Mom today or tomorrow and am just trying to gear up for it. That sounds horrible and I feel bad for saying it, but it's the truth. My unpredictable emotions scare me sometimes. I've talked to my Dad and younger sister Katie today and they both tell me that she has not been too responsive this week. She is not eating well and continues to lose weight and sleeps most of the time.  Between my two visits that I just talked about, she was able to maintain her weight at 95 pounds and was eating fairly, but I guess her weight is on the downhill once again. She is presently 93 pounds!! I think that was my weight when I was in the 7th grade! 

Christmas Eve day, 2015

My Dad was telling me the other day that he often wakes up around 3am and can't fall back asleep because his mind won't turn off.  Lately he said he's been spending that time thinking about her funeral. "I want you to speak," he told me.  I kind of figured I might be. I am honored to do so but hope so badly that my unpredictable emotions will cooperate that day, whenever that might be!  

Oh, how I love her! 

2016 is bound to be filled with very mixed emotions! Such is this life for all of us I guess!