All independence lost!

June 19, 2014

My Mom was always such an independent woman, with a very full social schedule and busy life of her own!  Before mean old Alzheimer's came into her life, she had much of the control over the money spent at their house, and had complete control over her own schedule, what she wore, when she had her hair done, how she did her hair, what she would make for dinner, when she went to the grocery store or went out to lunch with her friends.  My Dad always worked long hours and the two of them mainly lived their separate, independent lives on the weekdays, and worked and hung out together nights and weekends. 

Things have so changed!

I've thought a lot lately about the complete turn around my Mom's life has taken over the last 10 years.  Sadly, after almost 50 years of marriage, she has gradually lost all independence she ever had!  Can you imagine how hard that would be to all of the sudden not be able to go buy a new item of clothing when you want to?  Or to not be able to drive yourself somewhere when you want or need to?  Or to not understand why your friends aren't calling you anymore to go to lunch or play tennis?  Or to not be able to read a book or paint or write in your journal anymore?  Or to not have any say with your social calendar?  That is now my Mom's life . . . totally being run by other people, with very little say in her daily activities, and little ability to entertain herself. I thought she was losing all knowledge of this fact, but apparently she's still aware to some degree.  

Hiking on the Red Rock Trail in Draper, June 2014

 Yesterday I (and my 13 year old son) met both my Mom and Dad for lunch.  When they arrived at the restaurant, my Mom's eyes were red and I could tell she had been crying.  "What happened?" I asked her. "What's the matter?" She kept pointing at my Dad and wasn't able to talk about it right then.  I quickly changed the subject to happier topics and never did find out what happened during their conversation in the car on their way there.  On our hike a few hours later though, with just the two of us, I was surprised to find that she remembered and brought up the incident again.  She tried to explain her frustration and sadness to me, but it didn't make a lot of sense.  She really couldn't remember any of the details of what caused her pain, sadness and confusion, but I think it had something to do her friends and this lack of independence in her life.  Her life is no longer hers, and she doesn't understand that.  She is at the mercy of all of us, and has very little choices in life anymore! 
 
"I need to go get a job and earn my own money," is a common topic of conversation with her lately.    "Maybe I could work in the yard to make a few dollars" or "I would love to go get a job at the hospital again."  "I have absolutely no money anymore, and can never buy what I want."   

"I'm sure Dad would buy you what you want," I tell her.  

"No, I don't think so," she says. 

My Dad says my Mom is progressing to the point where he really can't leave her home alone anymore.  "Someone should always be with her."  She is getting more and more confused about who people are.  People she has known for many decades are slowly becoming strangers to her . . . and even family.   

On our hike, we were talking about old neighbors and what they are up to now.  She asked, "How do you know them?  Did you live by them too?"  She couldn't believe that I could remember old neighbors names and details about their life, and couldn't quite get what my connection was to them!  Little does she know, I can even remember most of their phone numbers still!  I guess I'm sort of like a person with Alzheimer's.  I remember details about my childhood, and even phone numbers, but sometimes can't even remember what I did earlier in the day.  Should I be scared?  Nah!  I think I'm ok!  

Hoping!  


Flashback to 4.5 years ago . . .

February 14, 2010

We didn't receive Valentine’s cards in the mail from my Mom this year . . . the first time in many years! :(       

Here are some common phrases I've heard my Mom say lately:

“Please remember me when I was normal!”  She has said this many times, but just recently said it again at a Sunday dinner.

“I think this disease has been good for me . . . I have become more empathetic and have gained more understanding of people with trials in their life . . . this life is sure interesting!"

"I have lived a good, long life!”

Cousin Mary, Aunt Sandy, Mom and Great Aunt Betty, Spring 2010

She also recently told me, “You know I’m not keeping it a secret anymore . . . I’ve started telling people (although they’ve known for years) that I have Alzheimers . . . . but now people treat me differently . . like a woman without a brain.”

“Like how do they treat you differently?” I asked her.

“Like I suggest a good book for book club and they don’t listen to me . . . but then someone else will suggest something and they’re all over it.” 

I don’t like it when she says these things because it reminds me how aware she really is and that she knows she’s slowly dying . . and that makes me sad!  It’s all I can do to hold it together when she says these things.

Alzheimer's stinks!