6 Weeks After the Funeral . . .

March 6, 2016

Mom LOVES her flowers!

It's been about 7 weeks since Mom passed away.  Sometimes I don't feel like it's real.

For about a month I found my emotions to be in a state of numbness . . . is "numbness" a word? :) After my thousands of tears I had shed leading up to her death and at the time of her death, I found myself unable to shed any tears for about a month. I think mostly I was just happy and relieved that she was no longer stuck in that diseased mind of hers and she was finally at peace, and that made me feel at peace. I was also super busy getting my second son ready to leave on his mission and so my mind was often distracted. For the last few weeks though, I have found myself breaking down again for just a few minutes at a time as I think about her and how much I miss her! I guess it was probably about the time we sent my son to the MTC about 2.5 weeks ago when my emotions were opened back up! 

Goodbye for two, Tan - February 17, 2016

I want to keep my Mom's memory alive in the years to come for myself and for my children and grand kids. I continue to read her journals and watch the Video of Mom played at the viewing

I've also had some of my favorite photos of Mom printed up for my Dad and to hang on our fridge. Paige (older sis) and I have resumed the project of going through and organizing the thousands of pictures my Mom has taken over the years and we have found some treasures! I love going down memory lane and finding photos I have never seen before!

Whenever we drive past the mortuary where Mom is buried, which is right on the way to my parent's house, we send out our greetings to her, as we have done for the past 10 years for my grandparents who are buried there as well. I have visited her grave site a few times in the last few weeks, although it is still just a big mound of dirt . . and that for sure brings the tears! I wonder how long it will take to be able to visit there and not feel so emotional? Maybe I just need to go there more often! I think I've mentioned this before but I love the location of her burial! It is right next to my parent's stake center and a hop, skip and a jump from the parking lot, and right next to this big tree that I love. I've thought about going there and taking my adult coloring book and just sitting for a while and basking in the peace. I can see me doing this often in the future.

Tanner, Katie, Steve, at the Tanner cabin in 1998

One of the most common questions I get from people lately is "How is your Dad doing?" People are so nice to think of him in his assumed very lonely state. Yes, I think he IS lonely and has been for quite some time, even for a time before her death, but he is tough and I know he can do this. A great thing he has going for him is that he is keeping busy with his correlation committee and tennis matches and volunteering at the Fourth Street Clinic. He also has many kind friends who call and invite him out, and my older sister right down the street who often goes over and watches various shows with him on tv. 

My Dad's told me a few times that he's now mourning the wife of many years ago . . the one he remembers pre-fourteen years ago! I worry about him . . . but then I don't.  He's the type of guy that does not want to be fussed over and would not want us worrying about him!  I will anyway! :) That's just how I am. All of us kids keep close tabs on him and see and talk to him often. We will all make it through the rest of this life without her, even though we miss her so darn much! So much sometimes that it literally hurts! And interestingly, I was just thinking yesterday, that it's not just the pre-14 years ago Mom that I miss, but it's the Mom from last year too, and from the last fourteen years, even with her diseased mind, that I miss too. I just liked being with her! I miss her sense of humor, her love, her kindness, her laugh, her smile and everything about her!
 

Mom's brothers and wives . . . awesome people!

But I don't miss watching her suffer. I am reading a book right now about a man who had a death experience, went to the spirit world, and then came back to tell his story. It's hard to know just how much of it to believe but I sure hope that it's all true. The picture this guy paints of the after world is amazing with the beautiful colors and flowers and the people there, and the PEACE! That's what I want to imagine my Mom doing . . . exploring the amazing hikes in heaven and listening to beautiful music and feeling such PEACE! I can just picture it now . . . her leading the way on hikes with her parents, Aunt Betty, grandparents etc.

I want to share one of the journal entries my Mom wrote back in March of 1978 . . . I was 9 years old at the time. It reveals her very real, so normal and great personality!

March 21, 1978 - Today is a beautiful 70 degree sunny day and is Cammy (my younger sister's) 3rd birthday. She is a talkative, happy child who started out the day by opening her new record player from her Mom and Dad, a ball from Mardi, Play Doh from Paige, and then went to nursery school with Katie, where she passed out her birthday cookies to all her friends. She and Katie were all dressed up in their bunny ears and painted on whiskers and nose . . . darling kids if I may say so myself! Michael (brother), 7.5 months, accompanied me on a shopping trip for a lamp and new dress. He's like his Dad when it comes to shopping -- not too keen on the whole thing.  Mardi is at Primary, Paige at soccer practice and we'll be spending the evening at Grandma Margaret's for a little birthday party.

She's a beauty inside and out!

I want to insert here a bit of info from last month which may someday bring a chuckle from Cammy and Katie (sisters) who are both little mischief makers. I have never had occasion to witness children who are bigger mess makers. Several weeks ago while I was sick, Cammy and Katie went into the bathroom and flushed 5 or 6 toys down the toilet. I was talking to a friend long distance from Maryland . . . I kept trying to stretch the phone to see what they were doing . . by the time I got off the phone the toilet was flooding all over the bathroom and wouldn't stop. In between my tears and anger -- I would plunge the toilet and then hit the kids with the plunger -- first one and then the other til I finally got the toilet stopped and the kids bawling uproariously. 

Several days later they were playing in the sugar bins in the kitchen with sugar all over their faces, on the floor, in their hair etc. While I cleaned up that, they went downstairs, undressed, emptied the clothes out of their drawers and began their own version of a fashion show. Last week, Mike and I intended on going to a movie one Friday night (Close Encounters of the Third Kind). 45 minutes before we were to leave, I went downstairs and found Cammy and Katie smearing 3 tubes of Crest toothpaste from one side of the basement carpet to the other. The more I scrubbed, the more it suds-ed. Needless to say, another red fanny session for "the two". Some days I know our house will never make it til they outgrow this . . . plants and dirt, sand on rugs, magic markers on bedspreads, books ripped, Mardi's chest of drawers tipped over, Mike's filing cabinet tipped over, crayons in heating vents, door guards off doors, poo poo in the tub, sand in hair, flower arrangements de-flowered, vegetable garden de-vegetabled . . . etc. It's no wonder a mother resorts to sending their kids to nursery school. It's either that or murder. :) 

Mom and her dinner group friends!

I wouldn't trade them for the world however, especially when I get big hugs and kisses and "sanks Mom!" (thanks)

I remember hearing about this!  If I recall correctly, I think she also called our next door neighbor Caroline to come over so that she didn't kill the kids. haha  We laughed about this for years! Luckily she eventually was able to laugh about it all!

PS. I realize that many of you have been reading these blog posts to keep up to date on the condition of my Mom, and you might wonder what the purpose is of me continuing to write this blog. I am going to continue to keep writing, but on a less frequent basis, to have a place to house the thoughts, memories, photos, and journal entries of my Mom for posterity! It's a great way for me to express my feelings that brew inside of me!  Thanks for reading! xo