It's been 3 months!

April 18, 2016

One of our favorites of Mom!

It's been three months today since Mom passed away. I still have my moments, usually totally out of the blue, where I get emotional about the thought of not being able to see her again while I live here on earth. I honestly am not even sure what triggers my emotion. It just comes on suddenly. I think I have mentioned this previously in another blog post, but, on one hand, I am so happy that my Mom has been released of her diseased mind, and is now free to hike and bike the heavenly hills to her hearts content, and to think straight again. But then on the other hand, I feel a little ripped off when I see other women around her same age who probably have many years ahead of them . . and wish that I could spend more time with her here. I think maybe it hasn't quite hit me completely that she is gone. I get emotional when I think about the fact that I can't just call her on the phone anymore like I used to always be able to do. I keep finding myself with the thought of wanting to call her and talk to her and tell her things . . . and even with her diseased mind. I would take her any way I could get her!

Before she went into the care facility at the end of last September, I would often call just to see how she was and to see what her and my Dad were up to. Even when I was just calling to ask my Dad a question or to talk to my Dad, I usually made it a point to talk to her as well. I miss those calls. I miss her. I miss her thoughtfulness, her listening ear, our walks, our hikes, her sense of humor, her laugh, and just about everything. But, I know I will see her again and that's what keeps me going. Luckily my emotional moments are pretty spread apart and infrequent these days, and that is good. I am able to keep my emotions in check for the most part.

A recent painting done of my brother Steve with Mom!

I've still only visited Mom's grave site a couple of times. We are still waiting for the headstone to be completed and set in place. Hopefully by Memorial Day! Memorial Day will for sure take on new meaning this year! And Mother's Day too! I hope I can visit the cemetery soon without feeling quite so emotional!  I would imagine it just takes a little time. I find myself getting a little teary eyed when I see reminders of Mother's Day coming up. I think this year’s Mother's Day will be hard . . . no doubt about it! Our first Mother's Day without our Mother . . . yes, that will be different and difficult!

My hope is to make a tradition every year of gathering at her grave site, and one day my Dad's grave site too, and eating a picnic lunch with whatever family members can make it, and reminiscing about them and their lives. I noticed last year on Memorial Day, when my Mom and I were walking around to the different headstones up at the Salt Lake City Cemetery, and talking about different family members who had passed on . . . people were having happy picnics at the grave sites of their family members. I loved the idea and hope to make it happen!

Salt Lake Cemetery last Memorial Day, 2015

People continue to ask me about how my Dad is doing. I've seen and been with him on a handful of occasions since Mom died. He seems mostly good and is keeping pretty busy updating his house and yard, playing tennis, working on correlation assignments, getting caught up on tv series, going out with friends etc. He has made comments to me, hopefully in mostly a kidding manner, that he is "living the lonely, widow life!" but then he laughs about it. Sadly, I think he really sorta feels that way.  Although he’s mostly busy and seems to be doing just fine, I'm sure he's had many moments alone to ponder over his situation and is still mourning his loss . . . and I’m sure he will be for a long while! But he’ll be ok. He's a strong guy.

As I mentioned in the last blog entry, I want to keep up this blog, even now that my Mom is passed, just to house her many past journal entries.  My hope is that future generations will be able to read this one day and will feel like they know her and all her goodness. Reading her journals has been so interesting and eye opening to me, especially now that I am a mother, and even grandmother myself, and can relate so much to many of her thoughts and feelings. 

Mom, brother Mike and Dad (notice casserole in hand!)

I've been reading from her first journal that began in 1978, when she was in her mid 30's and I was around 9 and 10 years old. There are some topics that my Mom talks about frequently . . . some common themes that come up over and over throughout all her journals . . . always going out on the town with various sets of friends with and without my Dad, tennis matches with my Dad, other couples, her tennis group, going on medical trips and fun trips as a family, as a couple, with friends and family, being on one committee or another, being in charge of some church or neighborhood party event, taking meals to people, exercising and her love of the outdoors and being fit, having people over for dinner constantly etc.  I know for sure that my Mom lived a full, busy, fun, sometimes very challenging and service oriented life and I hope to be able to be even half the woman she was and is! 

Here are some random journal excerpts I want to remember: (good times and hard times!) FYI: My siblings are Paige, Cammy, Katie, Michael and Steve . . . and my Dad is Mike . . so you will know who my Mom is talking about in all her journal entries! :)

September 18, 1978
It snowed last night! Michael has a bad cold, Cammy and Katie stayed the night with Great Grandma Cora, I am working hard on the Mutual New Beginnings Program - along with Anne Stewart. Mike and I have never been closer or had a better relationship! Mardi broke a bone in her hand last week (it got her out of practicing the piano for a whole week!)

Jane Pugh and Mom tap dancing!

October 9, 1978
I never watch tv . . . and spend my extra time doing more worthwhile thing such as reading books, tennis, tap dancing and mutual.

November 14, 2016
All have colds - Katie can't hear well - may have to have her tonsils out. She keeps saying "Say it louder Mom."

Now that Michael is more mobile and getting into lots of mischief - and the girls can't play due to the snow, I feel like I've really got my hands full. Some days everyone is so cross. I feel that Heavenly Father must have sent me all the grouchy children. Some days they scream and cry to the point that I scream and cry too.  It's a good thing they have their cute moments. I've been putting an undershirt on Cammy and Katie and they call it their bra. Cammy is also to the stage where she is starting to draw. She must use 50 sheets of paper per day drawing a little girl that look like this: (see the photo of that journal page)

Mike and Mom in the early 80's

Michael loves to go outside and grabs his coat and runs for the door whenever anyone looks like they're ready to leave. Paige does very well at sports - tennis, basketball, soccer etc. Mardi is easy going, and although balks occasionally, generally does what she is asked to do. Mardi has quite a charming sense of humor. 

Mutual continues to keep me busy. We are gathering canned food for a food bank for our mutual service project tomorrow night.

I'm also in the process of decorating many rooms in our home . . . choosing wall paper, paint, furniture etc.

Last week I had a very strange thing happen to my left hand. I developed acute arthritis in it that lasted 4 days. It was red, swollen and very painful. (It was difficult to change the baby's pants with one hand.) Mike felt it was a side-effect from a viral illness I had had. I hope so . . . would hate to have arthritis forever.

Mom, Me and Paige in about 1970

December 6, 1978
Mike and I went to San Francisco from Dec. 1st to Dec. 4th. We flew down and had beautiful weather and a marvelous time. Liz and Jack Hammond were on the same plane so we rented a car and toured around San Fran on Friday - - Golden Gate Bridge, Muir Woods, My Tan, Sausalito etc.

We stayed in the Fairmont Hotel. While Mike went to Cardiology meetings, I shopped and shopped and shopped - Macy's, Cost Plus, Mademoiselle, rode cable car, went to breakfast at Sears and had a marvelous time.

On Sunday we rented a car and visited our old Greenbrae Ward - saw our old friends - Darrell Smiths, Rex Gardners, Trent Keys, Coombs, Willmores, Roberta Cribbs, Packs etc.
That night we drove to Mikes' Uncle Howard Paxman's to see his home and then took him to dinner on the 46th floor of the Hilton Hotel.

On Monday I finished my shopping while Mike finished his meetings. We then went to Pier 39 on a Cable Car where we ate lunch and super choc chip cookies. Then flew home at 4:15pm.

Our kids were well taken care of by Grandma Cora and Grandma Margaret. Paige gave a talk in church while we were gone.

Glam shot of Mom!

Today I am getting ready for mutual and trying to get ready for our neighborhood party this Friday night. The main course is at our house . . . wish I had more Christmas decorations!

Have also cleaned up dog diarrhea off the rug, and flour from all over the kitchen, as Katie was making "pie".

Mike is very busy at work -- usually leaves by 5am and comes home by 7pm.