Perhaps I'm starting to show signs of Alzheimer's myself??

December 28, 2013

We went and spent some time at my parent's house on Christmas afternoon.  Half of my siblings live out of state and were not in town, and so we were a small little group this year.  I always love spending time with them! 

In the first 5 minutes, after arriving, my Mom spilled a glass of water all over the kitchen table and accidentally dropped and broke a plate into hundreds of tiny pieces on the kitchen floor.  She said that her day wasn't going so well.  I assured her that it was just "spilled milk" (or water) and a plate that could be replaced.  Thank goodness, I think she quickly forgot about it.  

Lately my Mom fixates on certain topics and can't let them go.  For example, Christmas day she was stuck on the idea that her tennis friends no longer want her to play with them.  She kept bringing up the idea that her friends were all playing without her the next day, and she really wanted to call them.  We couldn't convince her otherwise.  My poor Dad deals with that on a daily basis.  

I sometimes find myself wondering which one of us kids (out of me and my siblings) is going to get her same disease?  Will any of us get Alzheimers?  Will a few of us get it?  Obviously I hope that none of us get it, but I find that I think about it quite a bit.  I know that a few of my siblings do too!  I'll have a moment of forgetfulness and wonder, 'could it be starting already?'  I really pray that I never get it.  I tell my kids and husband to be nice to me if I ever do!

My Mom and her 4 siblings at Christmas time, 2011 . . .
a few years ago!

Flashing back to over 7 years ago . . . 

 

September 21, 2006

My Mom and Dad in Bountiful at my grandparent's house
(my Dad's parents) . . in the 80's!  My Mom and I used to share
that green outfit!  I loved it!  We shared a lot of our clothes.

            I hadn’t talked to my Mom or Dad for a while and so I called this morning to see what’s going on with them.  First I talked to my Dad.  We chit chatted about our kids and about them redecorating their family room.  The big joke whenever I call and get my Dad on the phone, I always say, “Whatcha doin’?”  About 90% of the time my Dad is on his computer working on some project, so he always says, “Well, I’m just spending a little time on my computer.”  He practically lives on his computer.  I think other than his morning treadmill walk, my Mom, the grand kids and his tennis racket, his computer is his best friend! :)

            My Dad retired about 6 years ago from being an extremely busy, well respected and successful Cardiologist.  He retired early, in his late 50’s, to serve a mission.  Now that I think back on that, they were lucky to get that mission in when they did because in the next year or two I’m not sure they would have been called.  As mentioned a few times before, it was about half way through their three year mission that my Mom started her feelings of anxiety and forgetfulness.  Anyway, my Dad has been so used to working 14 hours a day when he was a doctor that retirement has been a really different situation for them.  They were accustomed to their separate lives during the day, and now that they are home together everyday, it has been a huge adjustment for both!  I believe my Dad has his computer and his tennis games as a little get away and my Mom goes on long bike rides and plays tennis as hers. 

            I asked my Dad how Mom is doing.  “Are her spirits up?” I asked. 

            “The good times come and go but basically she’s pretty happy.  Generally speaking, she’s happy and doing ok.” he said.  To some degree I think my Dad tries to protect me.  He knows how very sensitive I am and doesn’t ever want to upset me.  He might sugar coat things just a bit as not to upset me.  For some reason I got off the phone and had another one of my mini break downs.  (A breakdown = having a short little cry to myself or to someone who asks me about my Mom)  I cried for just a few minutes in the shower but fortunately my mind was taken elsewhere quickly as my 3 youngest boys were all trying to get my attention.  I think these breakdowns occur for a few different reasons.  First and foremost, I’m upset that my Mom is gradually losing her mind and I greatly fear what lies in the future with that.  I’m also upset for my Dad who is trying so hard to be brave through all of this.  This is not exactly the life he had hoped for and he is putting on the happy and brave face.  I think deep down he is really hurting and that really hurts me to see my parents hurting.  Then, my Mom is perfectly aware of what is happening to her and I hate to see her down and depressed.  

            My Mom called me later after her shower.  Conversation is normal for the most part and I am grateful to still have my same old Mom.  I don’t want things to change right now.  We had a regular old conversation about this and that and as always she gives me good advice and gives me her listening ear.  What will I ever do without that?  She seems to be in pretty good spirits while still carrying on a very busy life.  She and my Dad still go down to the juvenile detention center every Wednesday night and teach the boy juveniles different lessons.  Mom says that she’s still doing ok with that, but it’s just really hard since she can’t remember a whole lot.  My Dad has offered the last few weeks to take her class at the juvenile detention center, I’m sure to relieve her of any stress, but my Mom doesn’t want to give it up.  “If I stop doing it now, I guess it’s over.”  (just like with her teaching of gospel doctrine)  Her short term memory is just what’s suffering the very most.  That’s one thing she keeps saying . . . “everything is just fine . . . if only I just had my memory back.”  That darn memory!  To a small degree I know what she might be feeling.  Every once in a while I catch myself asking someone the same question over again just a few minutes later.  I guess the difference is – I catch myself doing it.   

          Lately I’ve also found myself forgetting things that I shouldn’t be forgetting.  For example, as 2^nd Counselor in my ward’s Young Women I was asked by the President to call my across the street neighbors, to ask them a question about a Daddy daughter party we are having next week.  I completely forgot and I’m sure that the President thinks I’m a total flake or just a bit of an air head.  Actually, I’m hoping she’s understanding to the fact that I’m dealing with six children compared to her 1.  I think she regrets having called such a busy person as me!  

            I also sometimes have a hard time remembering what someone just told me minutes earlier.   Maybe I’m just not paying attention like I should be.  I don’t think I’ve been like this my whole life.  I just keep telling myself that it’s my six kids that make me this way.  I have brain overload most of the time!  I hope it gets easier and not worse as my kids get older.  Bottom line, I think I understand my Mom’s frustration to a certain degree.  I believe there’s a small possibility that I’m losing my memory right along with my Mom.  I think there’s even a better possibility that my six kids is a very valid excuse for my “brain deadness!”  Am I normal?  I hope so!

            My Mom and Dad really are great people!  I couldn’t feel more blessed to have been brought up and raised by such wonderful and great parents!  I hope my children feel the same way about me when they are older.

My Mom is a queen and I sometimes do dumb things!

December 11, 2013

I went to my annual, book club Christmas luncheon yesterday with a handful of my friends.  This book club consists of about 20 ladies and has been going now for over 15 years!  It started out with about 12 girls and then people have dropped out and people have joined through the years . . . many that I knew in college and some who I have just met since.  We read a different book each month and then gather at someone's house to discuss the book and eat lunch.  Since December is such a busy month, we don't read a book, but we have a gift exchange instead.  This year we exchanged cook books.  

We play that game where we all draw a number and take turns opening a gift, one of the cookbooks . . .  and then if the person after you wants to steal your book, they can.  One book can be stolen up to three times and then it becomes "frozen" . . . and so there is usually a lot of stealing that goes on at these parties.  I drew number 5 out of 13.  When it was my turn I decided to steal someone else's cook book that I was excited about and everybody was saying it was a great one!  In fact, there ended up being about 3 other similar cookbooks, all written by the same authors.  Well a few minutes later, as I was sitting there with the book I wanted, I found my cookbook being stolen from me.  Darn!  So it then became my turn to open another present or steal someone else's book.   I wanted one of those 4 books out there that were similar and looked really great!  Absent-minded me went right back to the gal that had just stolen from me and tried to get my book back!  Ooops, stupid me!  Of course she's the one that just stole it from me, and of course you can't do that, but my eyes were just on the cook books!  Dumb but innocent mistake!  My friend, in a pretty disgusted tone, and without making any eye contact with me, said, "I'm the one that just stole the book from you!"  As if to say, "Duh!  Are you stupid?"  Well, to say the least,  I felt very stupid in front of my 12 other friends!  

It dawned on me at that very moment that this is probably the way my Mom often felt as she was just starting to show signs of her Alzheimer's and people were not aware yet that she had the disease.  I'm sure she had many embarrassing and awkward moments like that where her friends and other people pointed out that she was asking the same question for the third time, or that she was sitting in the wrong seat or that she was doing or saying something wrong!  It's so sad to me . . . to think that she probably went months and maybe even years trying to hide the fact that her memory was failing her . . and she probably had many of those embarrassing moments!  

I'm not the kind of person that would hold a grudge about my friend's reaction to me and my stupid mistake yesterday.  People often act without speaking and I very well realize that!  I, for one, have said many things that I regret!  So, I will let this pass and will hopefully not think another thing of it . . . but I don't want to forget the lessons learned from this . . .

Me, my Mom and my 3 sisters . . . 1979!

I'm so thankful for people that are patient and loving in all situations.  Allow people to make stupid mistakes without making them feel like they want to climb in a hole!  I need to use that learning in my own family especially!  Let my kids make mistakes without making them feel STUPID!  I want to be better at that!  I think I'm pretty good at that when it comes to friends and acquaintances, but not always with close family members! 
 

Flashing back to over 7 years ago . . .

August, 2006

My Mom before the mission

Has been playing tennis since about age 35
and has always loved it!

Before my parents served their mission in England from 2000-2003, my Mom was involved with so many things!  She taught a nursing careers class at East High School . . . and from what I gathered, it was a very popular class that many wanted to take.  My Mom made her lessons fun and exciting and the teenagers just adored her and the class.  I wonder how many people are nurses today because of the efforts and love of my Mom?  I'll bet there are a lot of them out there!  My Mom also used to volunteer up at the University of Utah on the Alumni committee.  I'm not sure what exactly she did with them, but it kept her pretty busy!  She has always loved the sport of tennis and has played on teams for about the last 30 years!  She continues to play tennis a few times a week and has fulfilled many important callings in the church, etc., her favorites being in the Young Women I would guess.  

Loved teaching a nurse careers class at East High
and Highland High in the 90's!  Her students
 loved her from what I heard!

My Mom has had such a full life and has made such a difference in the world.  I'm really afraid that all will be forgotten after this long road of such a horrible disease!!  I have to make sure that doesn't happen!

September 1st, 2006

I talked to my Mom on the phone the other day and asked her how she was doing.  She said she’d be great if only her mind was normal.  Another comment she has made to me recently is, "You don't know how lonely I feel!"  These comments make me so sad, and I often am left not knowing what to say to her!

My mom has also expressed to me that she would want to die to relieve my Dad's frustrations!  She knows she is frustrating to him sometimes and she obviously doesn't want to put him through this! 

September 7^th, 2006

            My parents just tended our six children for a few days while my husband and I went on an annual trip to Lake Powell with some friends.  We got home last night.  First thing this morning my Mom called to see if we had a good time.  Conversation is so normal and good with her.  Just every once in a while she will have a hard time finding a word, or remembering someone’s name, or she will forget what she was about to say.  Don’t we all do that at times?  I know I do.  I’m just so happy to still have my Mom!  I have to admit that I still have little mini breakdowns about once or twice a month when I get thinking of what really might be happening to my Mom, my best friend, who has always been so understanding of me, and who I have shared clothes with for years, and who I love to death!  The reality of my nightmare just hits me at weird times.

Mission photo in 2000!

            As mission President of the London South Mission during the years 2000-2003, my parents met many wonderful people through that experience, some who they keep in regular contact with.  One of these couples are the Romneys, who served in the London Central Mission at the very same time.  They flew over with them and spent time with them in the MTC before leaving.  They have had only great things to say about them.  In fact, I ran into C. Romney at Women’s Conference this past spring.  She recognized me and said that I looked like a great mixture between my Mom and my Dad.  That’s a big compliment to me because I think there are both pretty darn good looking!  :) hehe   

         Anyway, my Mom proceeded to tell me on the phone this morning that she and my Dad had the opportunity to go up to the Romney’s cabin and spend some time with them.  She said it was absolutely beautiful up there!  Close by to where they were visiting this cabin, my Mom’s book club friends were also meeting for a book club get together at one of their cabins.  My Mom got to go to both cabins in one day.  She said it was particularly fun with her book club friends because they all got real with each other and opened up and poured out their souls to each other.  They all admitted their problems and she said that it was a lot like a testimony meeting.  “It is so refreshing when people are so honest and straightforward with each other,” she said.  I didn’t ask how open my Mom was, but it would sure be interested in knowing.  I’m sure she probably admitted to being so frustrated with her short term memory loss and expressing fear over the loss of her mind.  I hope she received a lot of love and support from them!  She really does have some great friends and I hope they stick by her through all this! 

            My Mom has done so much good in the world and she deserves to be treated like a queen!  I told her for her birthday on Sunday that we are going to celebrate for her, the queen, and for my little niece Ashley too, the princess.  She just laughed!  I love her so much!

(A very interesting and ironic sidenote:  My parent's friend C. Romney has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, but I think she's a few years behind my Mom in her progression!)  

My 10-year old thinks he has a brain disease!

December 2, 2013

This is Spencer with my parents at the condo in St. George . .
when Spence was about 2 . . . 2007?

About a week ago, my 10 year old son, Spencer, came up to me and told me that he thinks he has a disease.  He said, "I walk into a room to do something and totally forget what I was going to do.  That happens to me all the time!"  Doesn't that happen to all of us?  At least I know it happens to me!  I then explained to him that this is something that happens to the best of us . . . when we have a lot on our mind.  I told him that it is normal and unlike Grandma's disease.  It dawned on me at that moment that I have never really sat down to talk to my younger kids about my Mom's disease!  Do they think about it often and worry?  I have made comments to them about how they need to be patient when she asks the same question more than once in a short period of time, but I had never explained to them that Grandma has a disease that will eventually take her life.  I guess I just assumed they knew! They seemed a bit surprised . . . and sad at the same time, but we didn't talk about it too much.  I'm finally able to talk to my kids quite openly about my Mom and her Alzheimer's without getting too emotional!  It makes me sad though that my youngest kids will probably never remember the real her, the really great person she was!  She is still great and even very loving to them and so hopefully they are getting little glimpses! 

Snow Canyon, 2013

We just got back from a Thanksgiving trip down to St. George, Utah.  My parents have a condo down there that my family uses quite often . . . but it's pretty rare that my parents and siblings and all of us go at the same time!  This time my parents and oldest sister came too!  And my brother and his wife and 4 kids came in from Colorado and stayed with his in-laws just a few miles away.  Although we were still missing half our family, we had a good time together! One morning, early, I decided to join my Dad and brother for a walk up Snow Canyon.  Other family members thought I was totally nuts to wake up at 6am while on vacation, but I saw it as a rare opportunity to be with family, and to talk openly with them . . something that we don't have a lot of chances to do. We walked about 5 or 6 miles that morning and had a great talk!  It actually gave me some comfort to talk to my Dad and to find out how he is really feeling.  Many of us kids have believed that maybe he's been experiencing some depression in dealing with my Mom on a 24/7 basis, but he assured us that he's not.  For sure he experiences some loneliness as he is no longer able to carry on conversations with my Mom like he used to.  He sometimes hungers for adult conversation, he says.  Fortunately for him though, my parents have some good friends that have stuck by them through this whole ordeal!  Their social life is still alive and well, thanks to many good and patient friends!  

When we returned from our walk that early morning, we expected to find my Mom still in bed or just hanging out in her pajamas at the condo.  No, she was all dressed in the clothes she had worn the day before, with her shoes on, and was ready to go walking with us.  I felt terrible!  Did anyone invite her?  Well the reality is, my Dad often goes walking by himself in the early mornings back at their house and my Mom usually does not go with him.  She sleeps in.  That's what we figured and hoped she would be doing that morning.  Well she did not seem too happy about it and appeared offended and a little sad.  I felt bad and told her that we hadn't known she wanted to come . . . but she wondered why we hadn't invited her.  She even told my older sister that she thought my Dad didn't invite her because he was going with "a pretty girl" . . . that girl being me!  Again, she did not connect the fact that my Dad went walking with two of their children!  This paranoid behavior is becoming more and more frequent.  My Mom has sometimes expressed concern to me that her friends are playing tennis without her or she's being left out by certain friends.  So sad that she really believes these things!  

I've heard that people with Alzheimer's vary greatly in their temperament.  Some go through an angry phase where they are often angry.  Others never go through that and are mostly calm and docile.  My Dad's Mom, one of my Grandmas, always was very calm . . . and my Mom is mostly calm.  I have seen her raise her voice at my Dad and my Dad revealed to us that she sometimes yells and hits him.  That surprised me.  It's so unlike her.  


Flashing back to my journal 7 years ago . . . 

August, 2006

As I've mentioned before, I believe this whole ordeal with my Mom started over 4 years ago while my parents were serving as mission President of the London South Mission.  My fourth child (of 6) was born just a couple of weeks after they left.  About two years into their three year mission, my Mom started reporting home that she was experiencing different signs of stress and anxiety, like losing handfuls of hair, forgetting things, feelings of anxiety, etc.  This didn’t seem too unusual -- the wife of a mission President feeling stressed?  We didn’t think too much of it at the time.  From what I have heard and from what I observed from visiting them on a few different occasions, being a mission President’s wife does not at all appear to be an easy task.  I always used to think that it sounded quite glamorous to go with my husband and serve as a mission President’s wife someday, but since our visits to England I have changed my mind. :)  Of course we would go if called upon, but I know that it’s a lot of hard work!

My Mom came home on a few different occasions during their mission in England.  One time was for the wedding of my brother Mike and I can't remember what else she came home for.  During one of these trips my Mom visited the doctor and was given a prescription for Zoloft for her anxiety, and maybe even a little depression.  The doctors were not completely sure what was causing my Mom to feel this way, but Zoloft was given to her to hopefully do the trick. 

 Now, four or five years later, I’m not sure that Zoloft is doing anything for the problem, but she is still taking it in small quantities.  We’ve been hoping that it would solve the problem!  My Mom is about to turn 63 next month and we have been holding out hope that maybe hormonal changes have been causing her short term memory loss. We actually know better . . . but one can hope!  

Brain diseases in her family . . . 

My Grandpa Tanner

This is my Mom's family . . Grandma and Grandpa Tanner, sister and
3 brothers, probably in the early 60's!  My Mom is in the black!

I was never fortunate enough to be able to meet my Mom’s Dad, Richard Tanner, since he passed away at the age of 50, just a few years before I was born.  I heard he was a great guy! Ironically, he and my Grandma Tanner were serving as Mission President in Australia at the time that some strange symptoms started to emerge.  He began to be very forgetful and his personality was changing, much like my Mom. Sadly, he was sent home early from his mission and was not allowed to return to his practice as an OB/GYN.  From what I have heard, he was a very well respected and well liked doctor in the Salt Lake Valley who had a thriving practice before leaving on his mission.  Can you imagine at age 50 being told that you can't go back to work?  It was a few years later,  after returning from Australia, that my Grandpa was found dead in his car that he had turned on in an enclosed garage.  My Grandpa had taken his own life.  Comforting to the family, at his funeral, President Hugh B. Brown spoke about how he feels that my Grandpa was not in his right mind and he was sure that he would not be held responsible for his actions.  It was later found that my Grandpa had Picks Disease which is a rare form of dementia.  The symptoms of Alzheimers and Pick's disease are very similar, but I guess they are different diseases. 

Grandpa and Grandma Tanner in Australia in the 60's

My Grandma Tanner

When I was ten years old (1979) and my Grandma Tanner (my Mom’s Mom) was 60 years old, about 10 years after my Grandpa died, amazingly enough she also started showing strange signs of a brain disease.  What are the odds?  We were not sure what it was until her death just a few months later.  My Grandma, Dale Tanner, was one of a few cases of a form of Mad Cow Disease called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease here in Utah.  I was not able to see her in her last month or so of life, but I’m told that it’s probably for the better because I would not want that image of her in my mind.  Instead, I remember her happy self who always seemed to be laughing or cracking a joke.  Whenever my Grandma was taking a photo of a group of people and she wanted them to smile, she would say, “Say Sh--!”  It may sound like she was a somewhat vulgar lady and not very lady-like, but actually I think it was all just a part of her sense of humor, and I remember her as being very much a lady!  I liked her a lot, and I think other people loved her and her sense of humor too!

After my parent's mission . . .         

My parents returned home from their mission about 3 years ago in 2003.  For the few years following their return, things didn’t seem to change much with my Mom.  She talked a lot about having anxiety, but life went on as usual.  She went back to playing tennis that she loved, and traveling with my Dad and friends, and most fun to my Mom are the bike rides that she continues to go on.  She loves her bike!  There were a few instances where I thought she might be losing it, but for the most part, life seemed normal.  One particular instance which I remember quite well was one day at my parent’s house when I was visiting my parents with a few of my kids.  I was about to leave and as usual I gave my Mom a kiss and a hug.  Not remembering her exact words, she said, in essence, “I am so glad that you are my daughter and am grateful that I had you two girls.  What would I do without you?”  I’m guessing that she was talking about me and my older sister Paige, but the thing is, I also have two younger sisters and two younger brothers.  She quickly caught her mistake and seemed a little embarrassed that she had not remembered, for just a moment, about her other 4 kids!  I tried not to think much about it at the time, but I do remember shedding a few tears about it to a friend a few days later.  In the back of all of our minds, we just hoped that somehow, what we were witnessing with her asking the same question over and over within a few minutes, and saying some strange things, that it was just stress and anxiety.  I guess to some degree we were all in a bit of denial . . . and hoping.  

            It wasn’t until about this time last year that people started asking us, “Is your Mom ok?” or, with much concern in their voice they ask, “How is your Mom doing?”  This question just really makes me feel uncomfortable, and upsets me.  I don’t want people to be noticing that my Mom is not the same as she has always been . . . the same, friendly, outgoing, smart and loving person.  I also don’t want to be reminded of what is happening.  I can go along for days and even weeks not getting upset about her, but then someone will ask me the dreaded question and it brings back up all of the emotions.  I’ve started to say to people that ask me, “This is my monthly mini break down.”  I guess I have to get my emotions out sometime instead of having them all build up.  I guess if that were to happen, I would eventually explode and have a real, full blown break down.