Another Letter to Mom!

Dear Mom, 

Today is October 18th. I started a letter to you a few weeks ago and didn't quite get to finish . . . there are just so many memories and things I still want to tell you, and that's why this letter is turning out to be a two or three part letter.

Mom and sister Deanne, Sept. 2015

Right now I must tell you that you are still at a geriatric medical facility where the doctors are still trying to help you find the best meds that will help you cope with your agitation that you sometimes feel. You're also not sleeping well lately and so they are trying to help you with that too. It is taking a lot longer than we expected and I can only imagine the confusion and frustration that you must feel. I'm so sorry! I just really hate that your disease has brought you to this point! Alzheimers is just a mean disease and we're keeping our fingers crossed that you can go back soon to your other place that I think will be more comfortable for you! It's also a place that I think I will be more comfortable visiting. 

You've been at this medical facility for over two weeks now and although I've visited you there once on Conference Sunday, Dad says I should probably wait until you go back to the other place to start visiting regularly again. I think he's worried that I'll just sit and cry . . . he knows me too well, and of course you know that I love you so darn much that I sometimes have a rough time keeping my emotions under control. This place is just not quite as "homie" as the other place! The doctors were saying that you could possibly move back this past Friday, but now they are saying this Tuesday . . maybe! I am hopeful and my fingers are crossed! I want to come visit you soon! It's been too long and I have missed our outings and walks! 

Mom with my 3 youngest boys . . a few years ago!

I think about you every day, and about this big transition of you being moved from your house of 39 years and into these new living arrangements. As much as I was hoping you would never have to enter one of these homes, and Dad too was so wanting to keep you at home to the end, it is just not meant to be. The decision to send you to a home was no doubt one of the hardest decisions Dad has ever had to make, but I feel strongly that it was a good decision under the circumstances, and I think you would definitely agree. I so hope that we still have opportunities to go on more walks together and to spend more time together in the near future! Your confusion is getting worse and so I'm a little doubtful, but still hopeful!

Dad visits you every single day. He spends an hour or two with you . . helping you shower and dress and do your hair as he has done for the last few years. Dad seems to be doing pretty well, and your neighbors, ward members and friends are inviting him to dinner and to various places. I'm so happy about that because I don't want him to be lonely without you! Although Dad continues to appear strong through all of this, I can tell it is hard on him because he hates seeing you live like this, but yet doesn't see that there are any other options at this point! We are just doing what we feel is best for you!  

Mom and good friend, Karen in the summer of 2013

Since this disease has taken away so many of your memories and abilities, I know that you are probably wondering if any of us will remember the real you . . you from 10+ years ago! Rest assured that we will for sure!  I mentioned that in the last letter, but I just want to make sure that you know that our memories of you will last forever! So many memories have been passing through my mind lately, and every time one comes to mind, I have to hurry and type it on to my notes app on my phone so I don't forget. I've thought of so many of the good times, but I've also thought of some harder times that have come to mind. I have learned so much from you and feel that because of your example, and Dad's, I am who I am, and I thank you for that. I will now make sure that the good memories and stories will be carried on to future generations. You will live on in our stories and minds and will never be forgotten, I promise!

We might be losing you and your mind for a time, but we know that there is more after this life and we all so look forward to picking up where we left off when we all enter the next phase!  

Extended family dinner at Olive Garden, 2012?

Here are some of the memories and lessons that have come to mind lately . . . 

Do you remember every February sending us all Valentine cards in the mail? I'm guessing it was until about 4 or 5 years ago that you sent one to each one of us, including all of the grand kids. Did you know that you now have 20 grand kids, with number 20 just arriving last Friday! With one more on the way in a couple months! And you have your very first grandchild expected to be born sometime this week or next! Yes, that means I will be a granny for the first time too and I can't wait! There's even talk that this new great grandchild (from Sarah and Brady) may carry your name as their middle name? That would be pretty cool, right? This baby will be able to carry on the name of one of our most favorite people ever! I'm so grateful that I kept a large handful of those Valentine cards so that I can look back on them and see your great cursive handwriting and read your beautiful love notes to us. I can still picture how you positioned your hand as you would sign your name or write your usual cursive . . . rarely did I ever see you write in print. You have always had an amazing heart and I loved getting those cards from you!

I loved how you discovered your ability to paint about 10 or so years ago. We now possess a handful of your paintings and they will forever be treasures to us!  We have one of your paintings in our main floor bathroom and one of the temple in our bedroom. One day I would love to own the big one in your house that has all the beautiful, colorful flowers.  

Mom meeting Britton for the first time in 2000 in London!

When Matt and I first got married, I had a lot to learn about cooking, even though you taught me how to make a handful of things as I was growing up . . like scrambled eggs, your orange rolls, raspberry jam, donuts etc. Thanks for your patience when I would call you often for advice! I really wish I had half of your knowledge when it comes to cooking and entertaining people! You probably would argue with me about this, but you really were a great cook. Thanks for all your great meals and for making me eat my veggies! I miss being able to call you with my cooking questions, but it has forced me to figure things out myself, which is good I suppose. 

I'll never forget being woken up early by you on school mornings for scripture study. All of us kids would lay on your bed to listen to you read a page or a chapter. I must admit that I sometimes dozed off to sleep during those sessions, but I tried my best to listen and to learn. I so admire your dedication to do regular scripture study with us, to have family and personal prayers and to have family home evening on a regular basis. I can picture you and Dad kneeling by your bed saying your private prayers. I have fond memories of you assigning me to be in charge of the lessons for family night. That was such great practice for me in helping me to prepare for my future callings in the church!

Mom, Dad and my daughter Sarah, 2012
(She's the one having the grandbaby this week!)

I'm sure you'll remember me borrowing your clothes on a constant basis! I honestly don't remember a time that I asked if I could wear something of yours, that you told me NO. And now that I'm a Mom and love my clothes to be available and clean when I want to wear them, I am more grateful for you and your patience and trust in me. I don't feel that I would be quite that patient! I always thought your taste in clothes was so classy and sharp and I always felt lucky and grateful that we were the same size!

I remember people telling me what great legs you had/have! :) You were always so fit and tan and set a great example of taking good care of our bodies! 

California beach in about 1999?

I remember so well waiting on the grassy hill after elementary school and being picked up by you at the back of the school. Thanks for all the rides to piano and violin lessons, ballet classes, art classes, tennis classes and matches, to the movies, and for always being so supportive at recitals and performances. With the six of us kids, I now look back in amazement that you could keep up with all of us and our crazy schedules! You were amazing! 

It's no surprise to me that there were some days that you had "just had it!" Only a few times do I remember you leaving the house in frustration while just needing a break! You later told me that there were a few times that you drove down to Provo and went to see a movie by yourself for a few hours . . . but then you came right back and were back at it! You put up with a lot of stress with all of us kids but it's impressive how you were able to keep your cool 95% of the time! Way to go! You did it!  That's got to feel good that those crazy, stressful mothering days are over now for you. You should be happy and rest easy that you did such a great job! I think I can speak for all of us kids when I say that we could not have asked for a better Mom . . . really!   

Thanksgiving walk in St. George, 2013

I remember watching you performing tap dancing numbers with your friends at various church and school events, and you being willing to dress up to be the Care Bear at our elementary school where you wore that big, warm costume, and never complained about it. What a trooper! I'm pretty sure that I would have turned that job down . . . but not you! 

I remember you going to the juvenile detention center with Dad and teaching the kids there . . . and loving it! You always had a way with the youth and knew just how to make people feel good about themselves. I've had a handful of your past nursing career students from Highland and East High tell me how great of a teacher they thought you were. It's no surprise that they loved you, and I know that you LOVED them too!  

Well again, I could go on and on about memories with you and stories of people whose lives have been positively impacted by you, but I will stop here for now.  More to come.  

Thanks for being the best Mom ever!    

Love, 
Mardi 

PS.  I just talked to Dad on the phone a little earlier today and he said that you are for sure moving back to your original Memory Care facility tomorrow (Tuesday)! I'm so happy for you that the doctors were able to help you with your sleep and agitation problems, and I pray that it goes well and that you will be able to stay there!  xox  I'll visit soon! 

Mom's new living arrangements!

October 5, 2015

My Mom's last day at her home of 39 years!

Minus the big furniture items, a few of us moved my Mom's "stuff" in to her new place about a week and a half ago, and then she was moved in the next day on Friday. Her new home for now is a Memory Care Facility on the west side of Salt Lake City. 

The only way I can describe my last few weeks is to say that it's been like one big emotional roller coaster ride. I can only talk for myself, but I'm assuming that it's been the same for my Dad and siblings as well. My emotions have been so close to the surface and I don't like when this happens. I can't remember feeling this way for a long time . . . probably since the beginning stages of my Mom's disease, in the first few years when we were just trying to come to terms with the whole idea. 

Back about 10 years ago or so, I remember dreading the topic of my Mom being brought up in any conversation. I feared bursting into tears when someone would ask me how she was doing. Well I feel like I'm sort of going through a similar phase right now, not being able to talk about her in her new living conditions very well. Tears flow too easy . . mostly when I'm by myself, or if someone brings her up. I find that I avoid the topic with people when I can. Thank goodness I am busy with my home life and all my kids right now to distract me from this whole situation  . . . I need those distractions! I can tell though, with each passing day, that it is getting easier!

Paige and Mom, September 24th, 2015

With Paige (my older sis) and Mafi (home health angel) a week ago last Thursday, in my Mom's new room, we put sheets on her new bed, hung a painting of flowers on the wall that my Mom painted years ago, we put up a family photo, and placed her clothes in the closet. I even made a little run to Walmart to pick up a shower curtain and a few other items that we had forgotten. In my attempt to make her room as "homey" as possible, I also grabbed a little jack-o-lantern container and some candy acorn treats to put on her bedside table. To be honest, I had a hard time holding myself together while there in that place, as I found myself tearing up at every turn. Since it was Mafi's last day taking care of Mom too, she also was emotional and quiet. 

It's not that this new abode is a bad place because it seems like the best place for my Mom right now. The people are really friendly, it's clean and comes highly recommended . . . but it's just that this whole experience of my Mom being placed in a Memory Care "old person" facility is just surreal to me! I'm having a hard time grasping the whole idea that MY MOM has to be in a place like this! It's usually other people's family members that have to do things like that . . not my family! I've had a crazy time trying to sort out my feelings and figure out what exactly is upsetting me the most?! That is the question of the month! 

I believe my biggest worries have been . . . What if she feels abandoned? afraid? alone?  What if she cries and wonders why we are not letting her go home? What if she doesn't do well at a place like this?  What if she gets bored and sits in her room sad all day? What will she do all day? Who will be there for her in the middle of the night when she needs something? Who will shower her in the mornings? Will she make new friends? Will the staff be patient and loving with her? How will my Dad do at their house all by himself? Will he be sad? lonely? I am realizing that she will no longer be just a phone call away as she has been my whole life, and our weekly outings will not be the same! And then my ultimate worry . . How is this all going to end?

After visiting my Mom in her new place for the first time a week ago today, I was happy to find that she seemed pretty content, and not once did she mention anything about home or going home or where was her "big boy". I was relieved about that.  I really don't think she has any concept at all about where she is or what is happening. 

When I first arrived last Monday, the staff couldn't find her for a few minutes. As many of the residents probably hang out in their rooms for a large part of the day, she is and always has been such a social gal that most likely wanders much of the time. The great thing is that the home is set up in such a way that she can wander pretty far but yet remains locked in and secure. They can go outside into a courtyard, and into another hall and wing where they have televisions going . . and a piano room . . and treats for them if they want them. We found her in the piano room listening to one of the cute aids play the piano. After each song, the group of about 4 of them would clap after each number and my Mom would say "that's great!".  "I couldn't get a better audience than this!" the aid said. 

My Mom smiled at me as I arrived but did not give me any special greeting as one might expect from a Mom. I'm pretty certain she had no clue who I was at that moment! I could have been one of the aids for all she knew! She continued to listen to the music with her eyes shut for a few minutes and then, after some reluctance on her part, I finally convinced her to take me for a tour of the place. It ended up being me though that mostly showed her around. We went to the outside courtyard and repainted her nails and I think at that point she may have recognized me as that nice lady that spends time with her . . . maybe? We then went and hung out in her room for a while. 

 My Mom was her usual, happy self that talked almost nonstop, mostly about things that did not make sense to me. She talked about her Grandma Clara as if she was alive today and she introduced me to a few of the people there as her friend. One thing that she kept saying to me was "You should move in with me. That would be so fun!" At one point, my Dad called me to see how things were going and my Mom said a few times, "Ask him if he misses me," . . . and then she would giggle almost as if she were a teenage girl talking about her boyfriend. 

I literally had a lump in my throat the entire time I was there. Tears flowed on and off and I had a difficult time controlling my emotions. Fortunately though, she showed no signs of noticing, and I was happy about that. I had to get home to drive carpools so I ended up leaving her in the activity room where a group of about 10 women were playing BINGO.  How is it that some of these ladies, all with some form of dementia or Alzheimers, some of them appearing much older than my Mom, were playing with two Bingo cards at once?  My Mom has no ability to read a Bingo card or play a game like that right now! Interesting to me, my Mom was with it enough to say to me, "Maybe we could sit out this round and just watch." Was she aware that she was unable to play? Did she remember the game of Bingo and how to play? Was she sensitive to the fact that we were late in coming and didn't want to start half way through? I'm not sure what she was thinking, but I told her I would be back soon and left her eating ice cream and sitting around the Bingo table. 

I literally cried the whole way home . . . until my life at home distracted me.  Although my emotions were all over the place that day, I have to say that I was overall pleased to find that she was probably about as happy as she could have been in her new home that day. 

The days since last Monday have not gone quite so smoothly unfortunately. Some days have been pretty good, but most days have been difficult for her, the staff, and my Dad who goes to visit her everyday and spends a few hours with her! There have been some very rough times with her not sleeping well, getting angry and swinging punches, trying to escape the place by digging her way out or climbing over the wall in the court yard, and banging on the doors and windows to let her out. One afternoon my Dad paid to have my Mom's hair done, in hopes that it would last 2 or three days, to have her get it wet and ruin it the very next morning. Oh my! Seriously, when does this all end? When does my Dad get a break?  I was talking to my Dad on the phone today about everything and he seems pretty down. Of course he is!  How could he not be? Dealing with  a wife of 51 years that doesn't know exactly who he is and he now returns to his empty home to the reality that he is now living alone! His emotions have to be all over the place too, although he always tries to keep a tough face with me! 

"She is suffering, and I am suffering right along with her," he said. "I wonder if the Lord would allow her to go home?" The home he is referring to is her heavenly home and I feel the same way. I hope that doesn't sound totally cruel to say but I really hope the end comes sooner than later. My Mom would want it that way and my Dad is very tired!  I like to imagine the reunion of my Mom reuniting with her Mom and Dad and her grandparents . . . what a glorious time that will be! 

Presently my Mom has been temporarily moved out of her Memory Care home and has been placed in a geriatric medical facility where they are trying to find the best possible meds for her right now . . to keep her unagitated and calm, and to help her sleep at night. It is a more difficult task than you would ever imagine! 

Visiting Mom on Conference Sunday!

Yesterday was General Conference Sunday, the day we usually meet at my parent's house in between sessions, and have lunch together with any extended family that's in town. We stopped to visit my Mom on our way and my son Tanner and one of my parent's past missionaries played beautiful music on the keyboard and violin for the residents there as they ate their dinner. Of course I cried most of the time we were there too.  Songs like "Nearer My God To Thee" and other such hymns played with a piano and violin about do me in anyway! I kept telling them to play some happier songs so that I could pull myself together! 

My Mom had a such a good time dancing and singing and complimenting Tanner and Becky over and over. She seemed so happy for the short period of time that we were there! At one point, during one of the songs, she acknowledged that she felt like crying as tears welled up in her eyes for a few seconds. No doubt she felt the spirit! It's amazing to watch her go from person to person talking to everyone as if they are her good friend that she loves and cares for. 

Tanner and Becky playing beautiful music!

I almost think my Mom is reverting back to her nursing days and sometimes thinks she is doing her rounds as a nurse. At one point she went into one of the rooms, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "I was just wondering if someone was in there that needs my help." Her sweetness, love and care still shines through even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how we all fit into her life or what is happening.
 
This has definitely been one of the hardest stages yet with this disease . . . at least for me! I know that we will make it through all this . . . I know it! How can we not?

Stay tuned next week for the continuation of my letter to my Mom.  There's so much more I want to say to her!