Mom's first and last journal entries!

December 16, 2014

Almost our whole gang at my youngest's football championship game, Nov 2014

I have spent some time in the last month or so reading through my Mom's journals from the last half of her life. My Mom is 71 years old now, and when she was 34, she started keeping a journal. It's possible she may have kept a journal as a child but if so, I haven't found those yet. In my possession are three of her journals: 2 full journals and one that is about half full, the first one starting in the year 1978, when I was nine years old.  Here is the first paragraph of her first journal entry from March, 1978:

"Claiming no literary genius, I begin this journal just to jot down my daily thoughts and actions so that #1 I may pause each day to express my feelings, #2 As a remembrance of my middle years, and #3 As an insight for my future generations as to what emotions, problems and joys a 34 year old mother of 5 feels in 1978."

Since I have run out of my own past journal entries about my journey with my Mom and her Alzheimers disease, I think I will now start including journal entries from her journals . . . to give you a glimpse into her active, productive, challenging, joyful, service-oriented, full and wonderful life!  My fear is that her first 60 years of life will be forgotten because of the decline in her mind in the last 10+ years.  Will my kids only remember her for her memory loss and forgetfulness?  I want to make sure that friends and family remember her good old days!  

Her journals are filled with fabulous and priceless nuggets that reveal her true, awesome self, and here are just a few examples: 

April 24, 1978:  ". . . we just spent family home evening with Grandma Margaret and Grandpa Bill, eating turkey dinner in honor of Patricia's (my aunt's) birthday.  After coming home and working on my mutual lesson on temple marriage, I have realized what a short period of time this earth life really is - so many trials and tests.  If we only could keep this "temporary earth life" perspective always, so that we might make the most of our time and appreciate life -- curb our anger, offer love more freely, etc.  I'm so grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the gospel!"

April 4, 1981:  "I don't express often enough how grateful I am for all of my blessings - particularly my children and husband and the church.  If I could ever have one wish, it would be to have all of us live so that we can be together always. I pray that my children might have testimonies and marry in the temple. But more than marrying in the temple, that they might feel the satisfaction of an eternal and happy family themselves. I also pray for motivation for my children -- motivation to develop talents, to do well in school, to be honest and hard working, and to also be sensitive and kind and of service to others.  In the case that my children (and grandchildren) might read this someday when I am dead, I hope you will be turned outward and not inward, not always worrying about yourself, but others. This is hard to do unless your self esteem is high and you feel good about yourself, and then thoughts are more easily turned to others. Do for others constantly.  It's 12:20am and I'm tired . . . my message is not eloquent, but sincere.  I love you kids, and your father!"

As my Mom started showing signs of her disease in 2001-2002, only six pages of journal has been written since that time. Those six entries are different than the rest.  Her handwriting is pretty much her same, pretty cursive handwriting, but the entries are not as organized, things are crossed out, arrows are pointing to other pages, topics jump around quite a bit and they are not as thorough as the years before. For example, instead of giving an update of the whole family, she only gives updates of a few of us kids. Here is her last sobering entry, written in January, 2009 . . .

January 6, 2009
"I am frightened that I am losing my memory like my Dad did at age 50.  It is frightening to say the least.  I don't want to be a vegetable in a healthy, strong body.  I am only 66!  That used to seem old but doesn't anymore. :)  I guess I will just have to trust in the Lord."

This makes me sad to know how much she probably feared this disease in private!  I can only imagine her fear of what this disease would bring in her future! 

At this point in her disease, her abilities to read and write and dress and do her own hair and make up are gone and I know that my Mom would not remember most of the experiences she has written about in these journals. Her memories are slowly but surely dying, and interestingly, especially the ones from the last 40+ years! The memories that seem most clear to her are of the time she was younger and living with her parents, with the gully in her backyard, and when she was in high school and young and looking for a job. Currently she talks frequently about wanting to find a job, wanting to go explore in the gully and about her Mom and Dad. 

Reading these journals brings up so many emotions and feelings. I've always known my Mom to be a service-oriented, loving, happy, caring person, and I love to remember the good times and read about all that, but I also like to read about her struggles, her disappointments, frustrations, and sad moments. She was so normal and I can relate to her in so many ways . . . the stress, the joys, the good and the bad.  It makes me feel that maybe my life of the ups and the downs is pretty normal too!  

I want to make sure her life in her good, healthy years is never forgotten! If my Mom were in her normal mind, I have a feeling she would tell you that she was not perfect by any means, and she would probably even say that she made many mistakes along the way, but to me, she will always be one of my greatest heroes.  I hope to one day be the loving, caring person she has always been! 

Living in San Francisco in the early 70's

I continue to go on a weekly outing with my Mom . . . most weeks.  We have lucked out with the weather and usually manage to squeeze in a walk or hike most of the time.  We both love to be outdoors and the weather has cooperated beautifully so far.  We have been on some great adventures!

I continue to see small turns for the worse every time I see her.  I've seen her put her coat on inside out or upside down and she'll have simply no idea that anything is wrong. Her sense of style is completely gone, as she will be found wearing my Dad's gym socks and  her tennis shoes with nicer pants and doesn't seem to care a bit. "It will be fine," she says.  (My Dad is doing a great job helping her dress and do her hair by the way.)  She accuses friends and close family of stealing her shoes and other items and can not be convinced otherwise.  She makes up stories about things that she has done and I'm often left to wonder how much of her stories are true, or where these stories are coming from?  A few weeks ago she was telling me that she went down to "Mike's Tennis", where she has often played tennis, and she "played this funnest game . . kind of like water tag where you run around and chase each other."  She wanted me to go down and play with her.   

Field trip to Hogle Zoo - Fall 2014

I'm sure that I don't even know the half of what really goes on at their house with my Dad and my sister.  I think they probably keep a lot from me, as not to worry me, but I'm sure their stories are endless. 

My Dad often gets calls from caring neighbors that see my Mom out walking by herself, just making sure that my Dad knows where she is.  There was an incident over Thanksgiving weekend where she walked away and got lost and after an hour or two, my Dad felt he had no other choice but to call the police to help them in their search. That's the first time that has happened, and I hope the last! Luckily I didn't hear about it until later that afternoon, and all turned out for the best!   

My Mom is forgetting even us close family members and often seems confused as to who we all are.  Although I feel like most of the time she remembers me, she will sometimes ask me questions out of the blue like "What is your full name?" and "How many kids do you have?" "Where did you grow up?" or "Where do you live?"  

On frequent occasions I can tell that my Mom has no idea who someone is, but her social graces are still intact and she continues to fake it pretty well.  She is usually her friendly self and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.  "I can't believe you drive all the way here to come be with me!" she says.  "You are so nice to do that.  I know you have a lot to do! " Her sense of humor is still quite good too and she understands a lot of jokes.  I guess that part of her brain is still doing great, thank goodness! 

Well, there you have it . . . a little update about my great Mom!  Sorry for the big gap between this blog entry and the last!  Happy Holidays to you all!