"I've Never Been Married To Him!"

February 24, 2014

I spent an emotional 10 minutes on the phone with my Mom today trying to convince her that the guy standing next to her was her husband and my Dad!  "I have never been married to him!" she said to me over and over again!  "What's his full name?"  I answered that question at least 3 or 4 times!  For some reason she knows us kids (most of the time) but does not know my Dad, the person who dresses her, feeds her, drives her everywhere and spends almost 24/7 with her?!  Doesn't that seem unusual?  We've heard of other people with Alzheimer's that are not able to control their bladder, but still remember their spouse??  My poor Dad . . . to be living with that each and every day!  And my poor Mom who thinks my Dad has left and left her with this strange man who is taking care of her.  It's just a sad and hard situation all around!  

Mom and Dad with my 3rd child, Tan the Man . . . they came
 to watch him perform in a school assembly, February 2014!

I called just to see how my parents were doing since I haven't talked to them in a few days.  We were about to hang up when I heard my Mom in the background talking loudly, "Am I dying?  Why is everyone talking about me?  Why do you want me to sign these papers?  Why would I sign over my money to someone I don't even know?  I'm not signing anything!"  It was at that point that I asked to talk to her.  In tears for both of us, over and over again I told her, "Believe me when I tell you that the man standing in that room with you is your husband of 49 years.  You have been happily married for 49 years!  I would not lie to you, Mom!  No one is trying to trick you into anything . . just sign those papers and I know you will be happy that you did.  Trust me."  

"Ok, I trust you.  I will do it.  I just don't remember being married to him . . . ever!  What were his parents names?  Were they alive when we were married?"  

"Yes, they just died within the last 5 or so years.  And your parents were Richard and Dale Tanner."

"I remember them."

"And did you know that you had 6 kids with your husband of 49 years?  You had SIX kids with him!"  

"What are their names?"  I proceeded to remind her of all of our names, and I think she remembered.  "I just don't know why these people are trying to get me to sign away my money.  I don't trust them.  I don't know them.  I must be dying if they want me to do this!  Am I?  How would you like it if people were doing this to you?"  

My Dad is trying to get these papers signed in front of a notary and she has not been easy.

My Mom and all 6 of us kids in about 1980 . . .
 I'm in the striped shirt with arms folded!

"It's your Alzheimer brain that is making you forget that he is your husband.  I promise that he is and that he only wants the best for you!  He is only trying to help you!"  We both hung up the phone crying and I don't know what happened after that with her, but I continued to cry as I swept my floors.  This is just heartbreaking to me!  This is my Mom who I have loved and respected for my whole life . . 45 years!  I know her well enough to know that she would be mortified in her right mind to know what she is putting my Dad through each day.  If I could describe my mother before all this Alzheimer stuff, I would say she has always been a classy, kind, talented, tenderhearted, caring person who everybody loved!  She does not want to be remembered for this crazy stuff!


Flashing back to 7 years ago . . . 

January 10, 2007

            We just had a Sunday dinner at my parent’s house a few days ago.  Steve (my brother) and Jenny (his wife) had just returned home from Israel for two weeks and Jenny came back here to pick up her cutest little daughter Ashley, so we had a dinner for them.  It was also a birthday celebration for me I guess.  My aunt Pat brought a cake for my birthday, which is on the 8^th.  Me and Elvis celebrate our birthdays on the same day. :)

My parents spending some time with my youngest bro, Steve
and his wife Jenny in Maryland where they lived!

            I was amazed and happy to find my Mom seeming so very normal.  She seems so happy right now and her sense of humor is just as it’s always been.  She was telling stories like nothing has ever been wrong with her mind!  It was good to see her like that because lately she has seemed a little more quiet and deep in thought.  Unless you are with her on a regular basis, I honestly don’t think anyone would guess that anything was wrong.  The main problems I see is with her short term memory, like on Sunday when she must have kissed Ashley about 100 times before she left.  They do have a special bond and Ashley loves her like her second mother, but as Jenny and Ashley were leaving, I believe my Mom kept forgetting that she had just given her a goodbye kiss.  Lucky little Ashley got many good bye kisses!

            Another problem she has is remembering details about recent happenings.  For example, my brother Steve who is in medical school at Johns Hopkins just took his boards exam, which is a test which I believe tests them on everything they have learned so far in medical school.  He came home and spent the summer last year studying at my parent’s house.  Anyway, he ended up scoring very well on the test, and in fact got the very same score as my other brother.  Anyway, we were talking about that at dinner and my Mom seemed confused and did not know what we were talking about.  My Dad reminded her in a fairly patient way.  He is doing pretty well in the patience department, considering that he deals with her 24/7 and sees her at her best and at her worst.  

            A funny thought crossed my mind the other day when my Mom seemed mostly normal and good.  I wondered for just a few minutes if I was keeping this journal for nothing, and perhaps nothing was wrong with her mind after all.  I would hope that I am right, but I’m afraid that it’s just a slow moving problem.  I think it makes me appreciate every moment I have with her!  She truly has been one of my very best friends and she is a wonderful person.   

            I’m lucky enough to be able to go shopping with her tomorrow for my birthday . . . her idea!