"My husband went home and left me with this stranger!"

January 22, 2014

My husband and I just had the fun opportunity to go on a cruise to the Caribbean last week.  My husband is a relationship coach and speaker and a travel company asked him to come on this one week cruise and teach some workshops throughout the week.  We were happy to go and had a fabulous time!  We returned last Saturday (4 days ago) after not talking to my parents at all for about 9 or 10 days.  I called my Dad on Sunday to find out how they were.  After a little chit chat about our trip and about their week, my Dad said my Mom wanted to talk to me for a minute.  That is pretty typical . . . when my Mom hears who my Dad is talking to, she often wants to just say HELLO.  Her social self doesn't like missing out! :)  Well, this time my Dad added, "Will you assure your mother that I am her husband and that she is at her house?"  Oh boy, I thought!  Things at first seemed as normal as normal can be at this stage in her Alzheimers.  She asked me how my trip was and if I was tan, and she told me she was glad for me that we could get away and that we got home safe . . . the typical things that my Mom would say.  I then asked her what was going on around their house.  She proceeded to tell me that her husband had gone home and had left her with some other guy . . . . my Dad!  For about 5 minutes I tried to convince her that the man sitting next to her was indeed her husband and my Dad, but she didn't buy it!  She said, "I'm all messed up now because my husband has gone home and everybody is telling me that this man is my husband!"  My Dad got back on the phone to tell me that this had been going on for about the last 5 or so days.  She lapsed in and out of it . . . but was mostly in it!  I really wondered when this day would come and did not think it would happen quite this early!  The man that she spends 24/7 with, that helps her dress and does her hair and makes her food is now a stranger!  This disease is so strange!  I really thought this stage was further down the road, closer to the end!  

I got off the phone and had one of my little breakdowns!  I feel we've entered a new stage with this disease . . . the stage of her not knowing her own family . . . the stage I have dreaded!  My breakdowns are a lot less frequent though these days . . . fortunately!  I have come a long way in the last few years!  There was a day I could hardly speak about it without crying and being so upset . . . and I didn't want anyone to bring it up . . . but it's getting easier, thankfully!  I've wondered if it's possible that a person go through the grieving process over and over again?  I feel like I've been in and out of it for over 10 years now!  Fortunately I feel that I am mostly in the "acceptance" phase.  I have accepted her disease and know what the outcome will be.  I just don't like it very much!   

I got thinking about this new stage my Mom is entering and was trying to find any positives of it.  I think I've mentioned that my Mom lately has had frequent moments of anger towards my Dad.  She has expressed anger of having the disease, and being treated differently, and not being able to drive, and not having control over the credit cards or money anymore.  She has often taken out her frustrations on him and has even hit him . . . . which is so unlike my Mom in her right mind!  Well the positive of this new phase is that if she believes my Dad is a stranger most of the time, maybe she won't get quite so angry with him . . . since she's usually on her best behavior with strangers or friends.  Also, my Dad said this morning that she is becoming less aware of her condition, which we believe is a blessing in disguise!  She's been pretty aware throughout this whole disease thus far!  

My parents at Alta in the 80's . . .
we all skied in my family!

My Dad is looking into hiring a few gals to come in and stay with my Mom for a few hours, a couple days a week . . . especially on those days that my Dad has meetings to go to or when he's volunteering at a clinic downtown.  He's a little nervous about it and wonders how my Mom will deal with it all.  We're keeping our fingers crossed!  

I pray daily that Heavenly Father will be merciful and will not let things drag out for too long!  My Mom is a woman of class and dignity and has told me before that she does not want to reach the stage of having to have her bum wiped!  Hoping!  

Flashing back to 7.5 years ago . . . 

October 19, 2006

  

I got a call from one of my Mom’s friends, Jean this morning.  My mom has known Jean for years through her book club of many years and from playing tennis, and from living in the same general area etc.  Jean’s husband, by the way, is my children’s pediatrician and I really think a lot of them.  They are some of the nicest people I know!  Anyway, Jean was calling me about something to do with my husband’s work, but at the end of that conversation she asked how my Mom was doing.  Jean is the same person that we ran into down in St. George a year or so ago who told me she had noticed a change with my Mom, which was the first time I realized that other people were noticing a change.  Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that she went to lunch with my mom and a group of women yesterday.  Jean had called my mom to see if she could pick her up.  From playing tennis with my mom, she has been fully aware of how forgetful my mom can be and so she thought it would be helpful if she picked her up and took her herself.  My mom ended up calling her yesterday morning to tell her that she’d have to meet her at lunch because she had some errands to run.  The luncheon started at 12:30 and Jean made it a point to repeat the time a few times to make sure she would remember.  Well, my Mom rolled in at about 1:05 to say, “Am I late?”  
          Jean has really been a good, supportive friend through all of this.  Ironically, about a month or two ago she suffered a very scary stroke and did not know if she would come out of it unscathed.  Fortunately for her, she has recovered almost completely, other than some headaches.  So Jean asked my Mom if she keeps track of all of her “things to do” on a calendar and my mom assured her that she does.  My mom says that the problem comes when she’s out and about and doesn’t have her calendar with her.  I guess maybe we need to help her find a way to carry it with her at all times. 

Jean and I both agreed that my mom can seem so normal and with it some of the time, and then other times she asks the same questions over and over and over again and can’t find words that she’s looking for.  What a frustrating way to live!

Whenever I talk to Jean about my mom, I always break down and cry. . . my bi-weekly breakdown.  My breakdowns usually come when I’m all by myself in the shower or driving in the car or just wherever.  I guess it’s just that there are certain people that I feel safe and comfortable with that I know I can open up to.  Jean assured me at the end of our conversation that she loves my mom and she will do everything she can to support her during this hard time.  That means a lot to me! 

Jean also said that my mom has been pretty open about her forgetfulness lately which I’m glad about.  She’s not trying to hide it anymore.  My mom admitted to Jean a while back that when they’re playing tennis she can’t keep track of the score.  Jean told her not to worry – that she would keep track of it. 

My mom told Jean something the other day which is quite sad.  A group of ladies that my mom has been playing tennis with for years are going to play in nationals which they have done many times.  They didn’t invite my mom to go this year and my mom is sad about it.  Jean is not in this particular tennis group and she is disappointed that they would not include her.  I guess it’s understandable that they wouldn’t want someone on their team that can not keep score, but her doubles partner could have helped her out.  I guess, according to Jean, my mom continues to play a pretty great tennis game.  It’s just the keeping of the score that she has a hard time with.

One thing that I really dread is the day that I hear that my mom is missing and no one can find her.  It happened with my Grandma a few years before she died.  I got a call on the phone one day saying that my Grandma had taken the bus and had gone downtown to go shopping.  She had not returned and she couldn’t be found.  Another time I believe she had tried to walk home from her doctor’s office and she got lost.  I think that day they had police out looking for her.  I remember feeling very hopeless on the other end of the phone knowing that there wasn’t a whole lot that I could be doing from 20 miles away and with my little kids at home with me.  I hope and pray that it never happens to my mom.  She goes out so much on her bike that I’m afraid it might happen on her bike one day and that she’ll get disoriented and lost!  

My parents with my Dad's sister Pat and his parents on a fun trip to New York . . 
25ish years ago!  This is my fabulous Grandma Margaret who also had
Alzheimer's disease or some form of dementia in her later years.
And this is my Grandpa Bill, who was a stud of a guy!

I’m fascinated with this disease of Alzheimer’s.  If that is truly what my mom has, it has not affected her Mother hen instinct of protecting her children and grandchildren.  She is still ultra protective and still tends the grand kids, usually with my Dad there to help.  It also has not affected her ability to drive safely and to make good judgments on the road . . . at least not yet.  I wonder at what point do you take away someone’s driver’s license?  

I honestly can not think of a worse way to go.  As I mentioned earlier, one of my mom’s worst  fears has been that of losing her mind and ultimately losing her dignity by having someone else have to feed her and wipe her bum.  As I sit here at my computer with tears streaming down my face, I just have to wonder what it is that we are all to learn from this.  Is my Dad to learn more love, patience and compassion?  Is that what I'm supposed to learn?  I think one of the reasons I am so upset by all of this is that I am a young mother with 6 little kids.  I am overwhelmed enough in my life without having to worry about my Mother who is slowly losing her mind!  Sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to do it!

The thing is, I believe that it’s helpful for me to talk to people about it, to cry and let out my fears and frustrations, but most of the time I don’t like talking about it.  It upsets me way too much and I’d rather avoid the topic.  Most of the time when people ask me how my parents are doing, I just say “fine, they are just fine!”  I have told a few people about her short term memory loss but then I quickly change the subject.  I hope I get to the point where I can talk to people about it without falling apart!