Good GRIEF!

December 17, 2015

My ray of sunshine in this rough storm!

I was talking to my Dad on my cell phone on my way home from visiting Mom last Friday. It's not a surprise to me, or probably to you either, that I had a hard time controlling my emotions as I answered his questions and told him about our visit. My emotions are just so close to the surface right now and there's nothing I can do about it! 

At the end of our conversation, he said something to me about grieving that I have thought a lot about. He said, "You are grieving . . and maybe since you are getting it all out now, possibly you will be all done by the time she passes." I know myself too well and know that will most likely not be the case. I'm sure there will be many more tears to come even when she finally does pass away, but I do know it will get easier with time.   

Coincidentally, or maybe not a coincidence at all, I came across a few posts on Facebook this last week about the topic of GRIEF that ring so true to me.  One is a quote I found that says, 

I feel this is true. We will grieve forever over the loss of our loved ones, but we can move on with our lives and the pain lessens with time. That is a good thing and I look forward to the pain waning. 

The thing about our situation is that we have a double whammy of hardness . . . we feel we have already lost our Mom, wife, and friend, but then she is still here living in a state she would not want to be living in with no quality of life, and we get to all sit back and watch and wonder how long this will go on! :(

I also came across this passage about Grief on Facebook: 
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.  Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. it can be just about anything . . . and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall, or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to come tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks"     - By GSnow 

Temple Square with my boys a few days ago!

 So so true!  I can go a few days about my busy life with no problem, but then it's just a thought, a memory, an old friend of mine, or my Mom's, that sends me an email message or note in the mail . . . and then I'm just a mess all over again!  I look forward to the future when the waves get smaller and smaller!  

Last Friday when I went to see Mom, my older sister Paige and I had planned to be there at the same time. Mom was sitting up in her room and was much more alert than she had been the week before. She was talking but still not making much sense at all. We pretended to understand what she was talking about and then Paige had to leave to go somewhere after a few minutes. I thought about leaving with her at the same time because I didn't know what I would do with her alone, but I decided to stay. I ended up being there almost an additional 90 minutes. As she started to talk, it didn't appear that she was talking to me. As I sat on the left of her on the couch, she proceeded to talk off to her right side. She continued to talk and so I decided to move over there in the direction where she was talking. I knelt down next to her and tried to make sense of her words. I tried so hard. While listening to Christmas music, through tears (of course) I began to recall memories from our past, from her past . . . anything that came to mind I talked about...

"Remember when you would run to Grandma Storr's house after Kindergarten and fall asleep on her couch everyday?" 

"Do you remember singing hymns in church and singing the alto part? Did you know that you are the one that taught me to harmonize and sing alto?" I often think of my Mom now as I sing the hymns in church and remember the days that I would sit next to her and sing along with her, learning how to sing the alto part.  

I put chapstick on her lips a few times . . . oh how she loves her chapstick . . and so do I! She rubbed her lips together as she always has.  

"Do you remember tap dancing with your friends?  With Anne and Dixie and everybody? . . . and do you remember how you would paint with Dixie? You painted so many great pictures! You were such a good artist!"

I honestly felt like the water had been turned on in my eyes and I could not get it to stop flowing. For about 90 minutes I think the water flowed steadily down my face! 

Interestingly, for the last half a year or so, my Mom has appeared to be unaware of my emotions. I have been able to shed some tears right in front of her and she hasn't seemed to notice. But on Friday, she got emotional as I sat with her and brought up these memories. I don't know exactly what it was that initially made her emotional but she was and she reached out and held my hand for much of the time. 

"You have been such a great Mom and will leave such a great legacy! . . . Thanks for being such a good example and Mom to me and all of us!"

"Do you remember all the trips that you and Dad took . . . you and your Mikie boy?  You two have been all over the world together!" This is one of two times that day when I could understand what she was saying to me. When I brought up her 'Mikie boy' (my Dad), she asked where he was and when he was coming. I told her that he would be coming the next day. 

The other thing she said that I understood was that she kept saying "very well!" When I asked her if she remembered her grandparents and her Mikie boy, she said with emotion, "very well!" I think she was understanding much of what I was saying to her. 

Do you remember making raspberry jam and sweetrolls and orange rolls and donuts? You were always such a great cook and hostess!"  

"Don't forget our agreement about dancing and singing together in heaven one day." I hope she doesn't get too much practice up there without me! :)

As excruciatingly painful as these experiences are with her, I would not trade them for anything! I will remember them forever! 

I am headed out to her place again today to visit with her. I never know what I am going to get when I get there but I go nonetheless. I don't like that I get so emotional and wish I could keep my emotions more in control, but it is what it is! NO REGRETS is my motto! 

My Dad took a scale out to weigh my Mom again a few days ago to see if she is still losing weight.  She is.  Her weight is now down to 95 pounds!  She is looking like a woman living in a concentration camp! They've got her on a liquid diet since she won't eat much food but apparently she is not drinking much! (I did get her to eat part of a Christmas peppermint stick!) My fear is that she will just continue to lose weight but her body will not give in.  I don't want to be visiting an 80 pound mother!

Just as her beautiful friend Linda expressed to me in a recent message, "We send our love and prayers for her release to a much more beautiful place!" Won't that be a glorious and bittersweet day . . . when she can return to that more beautiful place! I pray it comes soon . . . . but not too soon! 

Thanks to many of you for your messages of love and support to me! I have received a handful of messages this past week from Mom's book club friends, dinner group friends and even an old neighbor of mine that was one of my Mom's Young Women. All the messages make me cry but that's ok! I appreciate them so much!  

And lastly, I know that I am not the only one out there grieving over someone! Most of us have lost important people in our lives and it's just a part of our lives here on earth! Whether your waves are 100 feet high or 40 feet high, I wish you much peace and love this holiday season!  We can do this! 

Merry Christmas!! 

"I love you too!"

December 10, 2015

When I first suspected my Mom had Alzheimer's disease years ago, like back in  2001-2002, one of the things that upset me most was imagining her final days when she would no longer recognize us and would have to be fed and not able to wipe her own bottom. I would cry just thinking about that and wondered how I would ever survive my Mom having this disease . . . and especially when the disease got to this point! I thought for sure I would be a blubbering mess all the time when that time came. Well sadly, the time has come, and surprising to me, I AM surviving somehow and am only a blubbering mess for a small percentage of the time. I am able to carry on as normal and stay strong for most of the time. 

Niece Grace's baby blessing last week in Orem!

When I can keep myself busy and my mind on other things, I do fine, but when I really get thinking about what's really happening and imagine my Mom sitting in her room all alone, it makes me super sad! Since my Mom went into the assisted living home a few months ago, I shed tears most everyday, mostly by myself, and occasionally when a friend asks about her. Tears lie so close to the surface! I know it's good for me to talk about my feelings and get it all out in the open but I don't like it when I fall apart. The writing of this blog has been great therapy for me. Not only am I able to keep track of all my feelings and happenings, but it has been a safe and great place for me to cry and get it all out! Thanks for letting me spill my guts!

I wanted to take this chance to thank all of you friends and family members who have supported me through this for the past 10+ years . . and for mourning with me and my family, and comforting us when we've been in need! This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with so far in my life, and I know it's been very tough for most of my family, but somehow I think we WILL make it through. 

Great Grandpa (my Dad) and Claire last weekend!

There are a few reasons why I think I'm surviving all this . . . #1 The love and support from you family and friends has been amazing! #2 I have had my sorrows balanced out with the joy of a new little grandbabe in our family and being a new grandma and that has helped a lot, and #3 Of course I would not make it through all this without my knowledge of the plan of happiness and knowing that we can all be with our loved ones forever! Especially at this time of year, I am grateful for Jesus Christ whose birth we celebrate and who has made this all possible!
 
In the Christmas devotional last Sunday night, Sister Burton said, "There is joy in knowing the plan of happiness and in our knowledge that we will see our loved ones again . . . there is peace and joy and hope that comes from this knowledge." (paraphrased) As we celebrate this Christmas season and the birth of Jesus, I could not be more thankful for Him. That's what keeps me going in this crazy and challenging world we live in! I know that I will see my Mom again when her mind is healthy . . . and I can't wait for that day! 
  
With my Mom, I feel that the end is near. Whether this feeling means that 'near' is in a few weeks or in six months, I'm not sure, but we just feel it is getting close. I don't know quite how to feel about this since my feelings and emotions could not be more all over the place! Part of me wants so badly for my Mom to pass on as soon as possible to escape this deteriorating mind of hers and so that she can join her parents and other loved ones on the other side. But then the other part of me does not want my Mom to go anywhere! I want to let her go but want to hang on to her at the same time! Ughh!

Son Tanner with parents a few years ago!

 Mom's weight is dropping fast as she is not eating well at all. Dad has taken a scale out a few times in the last week or so to see just how much weight she has lost. She was down to 102 pounds last week, which is a 20% drop from her normal body weight, and then a few days ago she was 99 pounds. 99 pounds!  That is tiny! The staff said they would puree her food and try to get her to eat her food in soft and liquid form but I don't know how successful they have been! I think she refuses her food most of the time. 


It took me a little while to get up the courage to go and see my Mom last weekend, knowing she is losing weight fast and that she is declining so quickly! It's not that I don't want to see her because of course I do and know she would want me there, but honestly I'm just afraid of what I'll see and that I'll just just sit and cry. Last Friday I decided to go at the same time as my Dad to make it a little easier. Even then, that visit was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life! 

 
When I arrived, my Dad had arrived a few minutes earlier. As it was 12:30 in the afternoon, I fully expected to see my Mom sitting at the table eating her lunch with the other residents. She wasn't eating at all but was laying on the couch in the common area next to the kitchen where they eat. She was out. Her eyes were closed as if she were asleep but I quickly found out she was really awake with her eyes closed, very out of it and mostly unresponsive. The way I knew she was awake was because she was scratching her nose and eye every few minutes, scraping the dead skin off her chapped lips, and making little mumbled noises as I talked to her.


I really wanted to stay strong and keep my emotions under control that day . . . but didn't do a very good job at all! As my Dad went down the hall to talk to some hospice people, who are starting this week to come on a regular basis, I sat for about an hour next to my Mom and cried and struggled to talk to her. I promised her long ago that I would be there for her in the end and would rub her scalp and back like she has always loved. She wasn't too responsive to the head rub and back scratch, but I did it anyway and hope she felt it and somehow knew it was me.  


As I rubbed her bony back, I talked in her ear for a while before she said anything, and even before I was sure if she was hearing me. The first thing she said back to me was, "I love you too," after I told her I loved her. "All of us love you, and don't forget it!" I said to her. I really felt as if I was talking to her on her death bed. There was something very peaceful about it though, it's hard to explain. I was so grateful to be there having that experience with her, yet it was one of the harder things I've done.  

Mom and Dad with my two brothers!

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" I asked her.  
 "I'm fine," she said. The only way I could hear her soft voice was by putting my ear right up to her mouth as she laid on the couch with her eyes shut. 


 "Are you comfortable?" 
"Nope." I'm not totally sure this is what she really said, but I'm pretty sure that's what I heard.  

 
"It's ok if you want to go home, Mom," I told her. "We will miss you terribly but you can go!" I didn't hear what her response was to this but she mumbled something.

 
"Do you want to sit up?" I asked her when my Dad got back. She did want to sit up and we helped her do so . . . and then we took her on a little walk down the long hall to get drinks. She walks very slow and needed help from both of us on either side. Her pants were falling down and so my Dad had to run back to her room to grab her a belt. We cinched up her pants and continued on our way. She doesn't seem to have much energy at all, bends over quite a bit, she kept her eyes closed and did not speak much at all. We got her a drink of her usual favorite, real Coca Cola, and she did not seem to like it this time. I think the fizz is now too much for her. 


We left my Mom sitting on the same couch that we found her on when we arrived, but this time she was sitting up. It was heartbreaking to walk out of there and to leave her there sitting alone dazed and confused! Who is going to pay attention to her? Who is going to show her love? Is she happy? Is she comfortable? Is she scared? What is going through that mind of hers? What does she think is happening to her? Those are all the things that I wondered and expressed to my Dad as we left!


I find myself thinking about my Mom many times a day!  I am reminded of her often as I go about my day to different places and as I do certain things. 

A few years ago at the cabin with Mom's extended family!

I thought of my Mom at See's Candy Store the other day as I was buying some Christmas gifts there. My Mom used to buy us those butterscotch suckers and so I had to buy them and eat one in her honor. As I also saw the peanut brittle there, I thought of my Mom and the delicious peanut brittle she would make . .  and taught me to make. 


 As I go Christmas shopping, I have thought about my shopping adventures with my Mom and the Orange Julius drinks she would buy for me each time we went to the mall. And the Ann Taylor store . . and Chicos and Nordstrom . . how she would love a good shopping spree to one of those stores! I will miss those shopping adventures with her!  

I won't put chapstick on my lips without thinking of my Mom from here on out. I can picture her putting on her chapstick and have her to thank for my addiction. :)   


 I find myself imagining what my Mom would be saying and doing in certain conversations and situations if she were there.  

 
I went to a luncheon at The Salt Lake Country Club with my book club friends a few days ago and saw a group of women about my Mom's age in the room down the hall from ours. I recognized a few of the women and felt a pain of sadness for a minute as I imagined how much she would love to be there with a group of her friends, as she has done many times, all dressed up and having a good time with her friends!  


 I will miss our hikes and walks terribly . . . and talks along the way.  

There's just so many things that I will miss about that great woman!