"I've Never Been Married To Him!"

February 24, 2014

I spent an emotional 10 minutes on the phone with my Mom today trying to convince her that the guy standing next to her was her husband and my Dad!  "I have never been married to him!" she said to me over and over again!  "What's his full name?"  I answered that question at least 3 or 4 times!  For some reason she knows us kids (most of the time) but does not know my Dad, the person who dresses her, feeds her, drives her everywhere and spends almost 24/7 with her?!  Doesn't that seem unusual?  We've heard of other people with Alzheimer's that are not able to control their bladder, but still remember their spouse??  My poor Dad . . . to be living with that each and every day!  And my poor Mom who thinks my Dad has left and left her with this strange man who is taking care of her.  It's just a sad and hard situation all around!  

Mom and Dad with my 3rd child, Tan the Man . . . they came
 to watch him perform in a school assembly, February 2014!

I called just to see how my parents were doing since I haven't talked to them in a few days.  We were about to hang up when I heard my Mom in the background talking loudly, "Am I dying?  Why is everyone talking about me?  Why do you want me to sign these papers?  Why would I sign over my money to someone I don't even know?  I'm not signing anything!"  It was at that point that I asked to talk to her.  In tears for both of us, over and over again I told her, "Believe me when I tell you that the man standing in that room with you is your husband of 49 years.  You have been happily married for 49 years!  I would not lie to you, Mom!  No one is trying to trick you into anything . . just sign those papers and I know you will be happy that you did.  Trust me."  

"Ok, I trust you.  I will do it.  I just don't remember being married to him . . . ever!  What were his parents names?  Were they alive when we were married?"  

"Yes, they just died within the last 5 or so years.  And your parents were Richard and Dale Tanner."

"I remember them."

"And did you know that you had 6 kids with your husband of 49 years?  You had SIX kids with him!"  

"What are their names?"  I proceeded to remind her of all of our names, and I think she remembered.  "I just don't know why these people are trying to get me to sign away my money.  I don't trust them.  I don't know them.  I must be dying if they want me to do this!  Am I?  How would you like it if people were doing this to you?"  

My Dad is trying to get these papers signed in front of a notary and she has not been easy.

My Mom and all 6 of us kids in about 1980 . . .
 I'm in the striped shirt with arms folded!

"It's your Alzheimer brain that is making you forget that he is your husband.  I promise that he is and that he only wants the best for you!  He is only trying to help you!"  We both hung up the phone crying and I don't know what happened after that with her, but I continued to cry as I swept my floors.  This is just heartbreaking to me!  This is my Mom who I have loved and respected for my whole life . . 45 years!  I know her well enough to know that she would be mortified in her right mind to know what she is putting my Dad through each day.  If I could describe my mother before all this Alzheimer stuff, I would say she has always been a classy, kind, talented, tenderhearted, caring person who everybody loved!  She does not want to be remembered for this crazy stuff!


Flashing back to 7 years ago . . . 

January 10, 2007

            We just had a Sunday dinner at my parent’s house a few days ago.  Steve (my brother) and Jenny (his wife) had just returned home from Israel for two weeks and Jenny came back here to pick up her cutest little daughter Ashley, so we had a dinner for them.  It was also a birthday celebration for me I guess.  My aunt Pat brought a cake for my birthday, which is on the 8^th.  Me and Elvis celebrate our birthdays on the same day. :)

My parents spending some time with my youngest bro, Steve
and his wife Jenny in Maryland where they lived!

            I was amazed and happy to find my Mom seeming so very normal.  She seems so happy right now and her sense of humor is just as it’s always been.  She was telling stories like nothing has ever been wrong with her mind!  It was good to see her like that because lately she has seemed a little more quiet and deep in thought.  Unless you are with her on a regular basis, I honestly don’t think anyone would guess that anything was wrong.  The main problems I see is with her short term memory, like on Sunday when she must have kissed Ashley about 100 times before she left.  They do have a special bond and Ashley loves her like her second mother, but as Jenny and Ashley were leaving, I believe my Mom kept forgetting that she had just given her a goodbye kiss.  Lucky little Ashley got many good bye kisses!

            Another problem she has is remembering details about recent happenings.  For example, my brother Steve who is in medical school at Johns Hopkins just took his boards exam, which is a test which I believe tests them on everything they have learned so far in medical school.  He came home and spent the summer last year studying at my parent’s house.  Anyway, he ended up scoring very well on the test, and in fact got the very same score as my other brother.  Anyway, we were talking about that at dinner and my Mom seemed confused and did not know what we were talking about.  My Dad reminded her in a fairly patient way.  He is doing pretty well in the patience department, considering that he deals with her 24/7 and sees her at her best and at her worst.  

            A funny thought crossed my mind the other day when my Mom seemed mostly normal and good.  I wondered for just a few minutes if I was keeping this journal for nothing, and perhaps nothing was wrong with her mind after all.  I would hope that I am right, but I’m afraid that it’s just a slow moving problem.  I think it makes me appreciate every moment I have with her!  She truly has been one of my very best friends and she is a wonderful person.   

            I’m lucky enough to be able to go shopping with her tomorrow for my birthday . . . her idea!

"Your Dad left me with this nice guy!"

February 5, 2014

I called my parents on the phone the other day, mainly just to see how my Dad is holding up through all this.  My mom answered the phone.  Thankfully she always seems to remember who I am . . . at least on the phone.  I asked her how things were going and she said, "Well, things are good here . . Dad has gone to play tennis and he has left me here with a guy, a nice guy, who is staying with me."  

"Oh", I said, "who is this nice guy?" 

"What is your name again? Here, get on the phone and tell her who you are," my Mom said.  It was my Dad.  I laughed a little and reminded my Dad that we better keep laughing, or we'll just cry instead.  My Dad went on to tell me that there was a time in the last little while that he could laugh at some of the things that were happening . . . but not now.  He's not finding the funny anymore.  I think this is really wearing on him!  He says that he's tired, really tired!  He's tired of the topics that my Mom obsesses about that he hears about over and over again.  My Mom talks about wanting to play tennis with her friends and worrying that they are possibly playing without her and leaving her out.  Another topic she keeps bringing up with my Dad is my older sister, who's been in and out of the hospital over and over again lately.  My Mom is worried about her and wonders what will ultimately happen with her.  

I've tried to call my Dad each day lately to make sure all is well and to find out if he needs my help.  The other day I was able to go pick up my Mom while my Dad went to play tennis.  He had left her earlier that morning and she was gone when he got home.  She had dressed herself (and not in the clothes my Dad had left laying out for her) and gone looking for him by walking about a mile to a tennis court where she often plays tennis.  My Dad wasn't there.  Luckily she made her way back home, but my Dad decided he can not be leaving her alone anymore.  One of our biggest worries, as I've mentioned before, is that she will get lost and we won't be able to find her . . . and that's especially scary when it's so darn cold outside, like it is right now!

Birthday dinner at Chuck-arama . . February, 2014!

My Mom came with me to run a few errands and then we met my Dad and the rest of the family to celebrate our youngest son's 9th birthday at Chuck-arama.  My Mom and I had good conversation as we drove in the car.  I noticed there was hardly a silent moment.  I'm surprised at how well she is able to carry on conversation and that her sense of humor is still as good as it is.  She still laughs at my jokes.  I'm also surprised at how strong I am able to be with her lately.  Most often I feel that my emotions lie so close to the surface and I can rarely control them.  But lately I have felt an extra strength from above.  I can't even explain it.  I'm hoping my Dad is feeling that too!  

Flashing back to 7 years ago . . . 

January 3, 2007

            I can’t believe another year has come and gone.  Where does time go?  The older I get, the faster time seems to be going.  I guess that’s a good thing!

            Christmas was good this year!  All the kids seemed happy with what they received and surprisingly it wasn’t too stressful for me like it has been other years.  I guess I might have been a little more organized this year, getting my neighbor gifts out early and my Christmas cards sent out at the beginning of December.  

            My family just got back from spending five days down at my parent’s condo in St. George.  We were there over New Year’s Eve and we had a good time swimming, playing tennis and basketball, watching movies, and just relaxing.  We try to get down there as much as we can just for a little break from the everyday, crazy life.  Unfortunately my parents were not able to come.  They were hoping to come down for a few days, but obligations kept them here.  

            It ended up being a very good thing that they didn’t come down to St. George because Paige (my sister), on top of all of her lung and breathing problems and all her recent trips to the ICU, fell down in her driveway, slipped on the ice, and broke her leg in two places.  My parents had to go rescue her and take her to the hospital.  They’ve also had to do just about everything for her since she can not get around on her own now.  She will be having surgery later this week to repair her leg and then she will be in a cast and will not be able to put any weight on it for 3 months!  I can’t even believe that something else would happen to her.  She has had more surgeries and more bad things happen to her in the last few years!

            My Dad was kind of kidding and kind of not when he told me yesterday that he wants to go on a mission to get away from all of this.  On top of taking care of Paige, they are also tending my brother, Steve’s little girl Ashley who is one years old.  As darling as she is, anyone knows how hard it is to watch a one year old 24/7.  You can’t let them leave your sight for a minute or they’re falling down stairs or getting into something that they shouldn’t.  My parent’s definitely need a break and I hope they work it out to get down to St. George soon.  

            My Mom and Dad and Paige and Cammy ended up coming out to our house Christmas morning to have brunch and to see what our kids got for Christmas.  Matt’s Mom Carolyn also came!  My grandpa was supposed to come too but he was not feeling well.  He went in to the doctor this morning to get an ultrasound to find out what’s causing him pain.  Anyway, I was sad that my grandpa didn't come since one of the main reasons we decided to have it at our house was so that he could see our new house which he has never seen.  We’ve actually lived here for 14 months now but it would be new to him!  

            I could tell that my Dad was not feeling too well either on Christmas morning.  A few days earlier he had had surgery on a hernia and I could tell he was still in quite a bit of pain.  My Dad will take pain medicine maybe for a day or two and then he goes cold turkey and braves out the rest of the pain.  I think that might have been his first day trying to go without any pain medicine and he wasn’t up for much playing.  He stays quiet about it though and doesn’t like bringing any attention to himself.

            My Mom seemed very normal and good and happy.  I was happily surprised at how good and normal her sense of humor still is and how normal our conversations can be.  The only problem I observed was when we started asking her about when the big Tanner family party was going to be.  She was put in charge of it and she couldn’t remember what day she had decided on.  I can tell that it bothers my Dad when she can’t remember things like that because ultimately the responsibility gets put on him.  He doesn’t want all the responsibility and I don’t blame him.  I also don’t blame my Mom!  Her darn memory!!  It’s her short term memory and keeping dates straight that are the hardest things for her right now.

            My sister Katie is having her fourth little girl in a few weeks and my parent’s are going back to Denver to help her for a few days.  I’m a little worried because my Mom is leaving a few days before my Dad and will be traveling over there by herself.  I hope and pray that she can keep all the details straight and not get lost in the airport!

My Mom with my 3rd child Tanner in 1997

            I had some interesting thoughts while in St. George last week.  I think this roller coaster I am riding on, in dealing with this condition of my Mom, is that I am going through the phases of grief over and over and over again.  Right now I am in a state of acceptance over what is happening and I am able to keep control over my emotions for the most part.  But every once in a while I think I go through denial and anger and depression over what is actually happening to my Mom.  It is one thing to lose someone you love quickly and to go through the phases of grief once, but when one is dealing with a situation like this that lasts for years and years, I believe one goes through the grieving stage over and over again.  It is truly a roller coaster ride!  Some days I feel strong and able to handle everything like a champ and then the next day I want to crumble into a heap and never get up again.  It’s a very interesting learning experience and I hope I’m going to come out of all of this a stronger person!

            I think what ultimately keeps me going through all of this is knowing that this hard life is just temporary and if we can make it through with flying colors, just think what a wonderful eternal life we will have with the people that we love!  I can do it, I know that I can!  Families are forever and I am so grateful for that knowledge.

They may forget . . but never let them be forgotten!

Alzheimer's Association posted this quote on their Facebook wall the other day and I really like it!  I've mentioned this before, but my Mom has always said that she hopes that people will remember her when her mind was good.  I am doing everything in my power to make sure that happens!!