Introduction and 1st Journal Entry from 7 years ago!

My Mom and I in 2013

A little over 7 years ago I started keeping a journal of my experiences with my Mom and the awful disease of Alzheimer's.  I kept the journal up for about 3 or 4 years until I just got too busy with my life . . . and I feel bad about it.  I wish I would have kept it going!  I've decided to start up this blog . . . to house these many journal entries and also to have a place to continue on with my journal entries presently . . . to possibly help others going through a similar experience, to update people on my Mom's condition, to have a place to express my feelings, and to keep a record of all the many memories of my great Mom!  My Mom has often said to me, "Will you remember me when my mind was normal?"  My answer is YES!  I will remember you always and forever . . . for your great example and goodness.  And I will make sure that others will too!  

November 6, 2013 

By the way, my Mom is still alive and physically able and active . . . and mostly happy.  She has just entered a new phase of this disease where she is starting to confuse family members.  For example, my older sister, her daughter, is often confused as HER sister, and she has asked me a few times who the person is cleaning my house and cooking our meals.  That person she is referring to has been me, but she thinks that I have a gal that comes in and cooks and cleans . . . 

 

Here's my first journal entry from over 7 years ago . . .    

August 17, 2006 (Thursday)

One of my Mom’s biggest fears has always been that she will lose her mind and not be able to care for herself.  “If I ever get to the point of having to have my bottom wiped,” she has said to me many times, “just don’t feed me.  I mean it!  Just let me go.  I would much rather die in a horrible, tragic accident,” she said, “than have to lose my mind.  Can you imagine anything worse than having your mind go?”  Sadly, I believe my Mom’s worst nightmare is coming true!

I am 37 years old, the second oldest child of six children in my family.  I feel that I am much too young to be losing my mother who is also a young 62 years old!  I am married to a wonderful guy named Matt and we also have six kids.  Not only is my Mom’s biggest fear turning into her worst nightmare, but my worst nightmare is also coming true!  I have always had a fear of losing my parents.  It's probably pretty common for kids to fear something happening to their parents, but my fear probably went a little above and beyond the norm.  When I was younger and my parents would go on trips without us kids, which seemed to be quite often, I would always fall apart right before they would leave.  As much as I tried to stay strong, I just couldn't do it and always fell into a heap of worry!  I feared they would die in an airplane crash or a car accident, or something terrible like that.  The thought of losing one or both of my parents has always haunted me!  I even remember being as old as in my first year of high school, going to school with big, puffy red eyes because of my parents leaving to go on a trip earlier that morning.  I had good friends though . . my closest friends would always cover for me and tell people that I had bad allergies. :)

 

A little background about why my fear of airplanes . . . 

I remember my Mom driving me to piano lessons one day back in 1979, at 10 years old, when she told me and my older sister the confusing news that my uncle Rick, my Dad's brother, had passed away the night before in a private airplane crash coming home from Las Vegas.  I was a little young to really understand the magnitude of what had happened, but I believe it was later called the worst small, private jet crash in Utah at that time.  It is unknown as to the cause of the crash, but apparently it was a horrible crash somewhere out in the deserts of Utah.  A small group of them were on their way back home after a little get away.  I remember that next Sunday when we were eating dinner at my Grandma and Grandpa’s house, the parents of this recently deceased uncle, seeing the contents of my uncle’s pockets in a small, manilla envelope.  I’ll never forget holding one of the pennies in my hand that had been in Rick’s pocket, bent all the way in half!  That had a huge impact on me, and obviously influenced my feelings toward airplanes!  

Mom thought she was dying 20 years ago! 

I have a vivid memory of standing at my kitchen sink when I was about 15 years old (over 20 years ago), doing the dishes as my Mom was having a book club luncheon with many of her friends in our living room.  For a few weeks leading up to this time, my Mom had been having some weird symptoms.  I can’t remember exactly what they were, but I remember her complaining of feeling like she was in a fog and having little moments of dizziness.  Since she and my Dad had been on a cruise a short time before that, we just all convinced ourselves that it was all related to that and probably had something to do with her inner ear and her balance and the boat trip.  My Mom had been so worried that she even went so far as to sit down at the type writer and start writing all of us kids letters . . . as she thought she was dying.  I’ll never forget trying to hold back the tears as I stood there doing those dishes . . . believing that my Mom could possibly be dying.  She ended up receiving a blessing from my Dad, and if my memory is correct, she was blessed that she would be able to see all of her children grow up to adulthood.  At the time, it was somewhat of a relief to me to hear that, as my youngest brother Steve, was I believe, only in preschool at the time . . . and we had many more years to go!  In the back of my mind I always dreaded the day that my brother Steve became an adult old enough to be out on his own.  I have feared since that day that someday she might start showing weird symptoms again!  I believe she has probably had the exact same fears!  Now I know my fears were "not for nothin'"!  

First Signs that something might be wrong . . . 
The first sign of anything being different was when my Mom came home from her mission in England to attend my brother’s wedding in December, 2001, about half way through their mission!  My parents were serving as mission president in the London South Mission at this time, and my Mom was given permission to come home for her son (my bro's) wedding!  It was at Christmas time and our whole family (minus my Dad who had to stay in London) was gathered at my sister's house in Pleasant Grove, Utah.  I remember my Mom being quiet and seemingly distant, and I remember having that deep, dark feeling that this was the beginning of something . . . something bad!  Part of me didn't want to believe it and kept holding on to the hope that maybe her stress as a mission Mom was causing this somewhat different and unusual behavior.  I think others noticed too, but there wasn't much said amongst all of us kids at that time.