August 28, 2015
Another hiking adventure
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| Wearing groovy glasses while hiking on August 27, 2015 |
We mostly had a good time . . . but it is definitely getting more challenging to go on these adventures!
The chapter of tennis coming to a close!
I called my Dad last week to find out how things were going since I hadn't talked to them in a little while. My Dad is dealing with so much right now and his life is pretty crazy to say the least! One sad thing that he told me is that my Mom's friends that she has been playing tennis with on a regular basis on Monday mornings , for the past number of years, has decided that it's time for my Mom to be done. I guess she's really not playing well right now, as I can only imagine is the case! Not only has she not been able to keep track of the score for years, but she now most likely doesn't remember where to stand or maybe even where or how to hit the ball. It's completely understandable why they think she should be done, and I'm just grateful they've been patient with her this long, but it still makes me sad, and I'm sure makes my Dad sad too. It was all I could do to hold back my tears as my Dad told me about the end of this great chapter in her life. Tennis has been a great love of hers for almost 40 years! She has played in and succeeded in hundreds of workouts, matches and tournaments (some even national tournaments), she's met many great friends and enjoyed hours and hours of fun . . . . and the end is here! I wondered when this day would come and have dreaded it for a while but maybe it won't be as hard as I have thought it would be. Maybe she won't remember her good old days of tennis . . . I'm hoping . . because it would sure be hard to explain to her why her friends don't want her to play anymore.
The feel the end is near for a lot of things!
In addition to her tennis days coming to a close, I'm sure that our walking and hiking days together are numbered too. She doesn't seem as interested or excited about it anymore, she moves much slower now and is not so sure on her feet, and she always wants to get back home and wonders where her "big boy" is! I'm also wondering if her days living at home with my Dad are numbered? Life is getting more and more difficult with her at home as her confusion and agitation is getting progressively worse! Hardest of all is that she can not sit still and can't entertain herself! She is constantly on the move, wanting to do something, go somewhere or get a job! I thought her idea about getting a job was long forgotten a few months ago, but yesterday she was still trying to talk us into helping her find a job! "I just really need a job," she said a few times!
The idea of my Mom going into a Memory Care Home gives me a pit in my stomach and makes me the most sad, but I also understand that we may hit a point where there might not be another choice! My Dad is getting so worn out!
The real her is gone!
A thought popped in my head one morning as I laid in bed a few weeks ago. "There's one thing I know for sure about this horrible disease of Alzheimers . . . that it's progression is surely slow, but definitely sure!" This disease is going on about 13 to 14 years at this point from my calculations and she is continually on the downhill. 13 to 14 years is a long long time! My youngest children who are 10 and 12 years old have never known the real grandma . . . or at least will never remember the real her. That's sad! I know that they sense her love and kindness to them, but will never know of the happy, energetic, kind, classy, talented, cartwheel and handstand doer, great teacher, well dressed woman she was!
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| Dad's birthday lunch at Corner Bakery, August, 2015 |
Birthday celebration for my Dad!
A few weeks ago was a real eye opener for me as I met my parents and a random group of extended family members for lunch, in celebration of my Dad's 73rd birthday. I sat right next to my Mom at Corner Bakery and had the chance to help her as she ate and tried to talk. It was almost too much for me to watch as she no longer understands the concept of cutting her food and just starts picking from the top. She still manages to use a fork and spoon ok, it appears, but I'm sure it will not be long before she can't do that either. I honestly wonder if she knows what she is eating most of the time? She sometimes goes to eat food off other people's plates thinking that it's hers, but then often wonders if she's eating someone else's food when she is eating off her own plate. It is just beyond sad!
My Mom continues to be so kind and asks her usual questions of "What have you been up to lately?" "How is your family doing?" and she says her usual, "Tell me what you've been up to" and "tell me about what everyone is doing." But then I'm pretty sure she really doesn't understand how all of us people fit into her life . . . she just knows we're kind people that she somewhat recognizes. A few different times at lunch that day, she went to tell me something and could not find the words to get it out! It's getting so bad that I can't even help her by filling in just a few missing words, which I usually do! Luckily she usually laughs at herself, but I feel so bad for her! Can you imagine how hard that would be?
I usually hold myself together pretty well when I'm around people or in a group setting like that, but manage to have my little cries later all by myself. Or sometimes it comes out as I type this blog! Writing is my therapy . . . and thanks to all of you for listening! This whole experience is just a big roller coaster ride of learning and experience! Sometimes I just hate the ride, but mostly I understand it's all just part of the big plan! I can do this!
How aware is she?
I'm left to wonder . . . How aware is my Mom of her condition at this point? I think maybe sometimes she is completely unaware that anything is wrong with her at all, but then out of the blue sometimes she gives little clues that she IS aware! Last week during our weekly outing together, I had one of my toughest experiences I've ever had with her. She hadn't had her "calming" medication for a while and my Dad wasn't home at the time and she was very agitated. I saw a stubborn and emotional and angry side of her that I really hoped to never see! I had heard about it but never really experienced to this extent. I guess it's probably a good thing that I did taste it so that I can have more understanding of what my Dad and sister and caregivers go through daily! I won't go into many details of what happened that day but my tears flowed freely for about an hour right in front of my Mom as we sat out in front of their house waiting for my Dad. Instead of comforting me as my normal and healthy Mom would have done, she sat in silence and seemed confused and sad. When my Dad finally returned, he said to my Mom, "What do you think about all this?" With her head down and looking about as sad and depressed as one can look, she said, "I just want to be normal!" What? Is that what goes through her mind regularly? I thought we were beyond that!
I also wonder how sensitive my Mom is to the fact that people are sometimes impatient with her? Or how aware is she that people don't pay attention to her as they used to or as they do to my Dad and to others around her? Does she feel bad? Is she aware? Does she notice when my cute little niece hugs my Dad but not my Mom at the end of the lunch a few weeks ago? What goes through a mind like hers at this stage in the disease? Does she still cry and get sad when she is sitting all alone with her thoughts? Do her feelings get hurt? As I heard my Dad say to my aunt the other day, "she is experiencing a living hell!"
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| My Mom and their wonderful neighbor, Carolyn Stevens |
I've been left to wonder many times lately, what advice would my Mom (in her right mind) be giving to us in dealing with her right now? Would she tell us to take her to a Memory Care home? Or would she beg us to keep her at home til she dies? I'm really not too sure, but what I do know is that she would feel horrible to know what she has put my Dad, my older sister, and caregivers through on a daily basis! She would be embarrassed and sad, and hopefully she will never find out!
Phone call!
I got a phone call a few Sundays ago from my older sister while my family was eating at my mother-in-law's house. My sister and Dad were at home with my Mom and my Mom was obsessing about the idea of going to see her Mom and Dad who have been deceased for over 35 years. I guess she would not stop talking about it for hours and was begging for them to take her to see them. They called me in desperation and wanted me to get on the phone with her and tell her that her parents had gone to bed. So I got on the phone and assured her that her parents were fine and that everything was ok. I hate lying to my Mom like that, but sometimes you just gotta do what needs to be done to make some peace! I'm not sure I was too helpful anyway! That experience upset me as I felt that she had taken a big dip for the worse and that she surely would be going into a home sooner than later. Luckily we're still not quite there!
Sense of humor is still in tact!
I wanted to end on a much more positive note . . . I've noticed lately how my Mom's sense of humor is still in tact and I love that! I'm thinking the sense of humor might just be the last to go, and what a blessing that is to add a little light heartedness to such a difficult journey. At least we can have a few laughs along the way! Here are a few small exchanges between the two of us that have made me smile.
On Memorial weekend Sunday, as I was helping my Mom get into their car to go visit the cemeteries . . . I said, "At your service, Madam!" She then said, "At your cervix?" and then laughed hard. I love to watch her laugh . . . she needs more laughter in her life right now!
Yesterday as we were getting in the car to drive down to start our hike, I teasingly said, "Get your little bootie right up into that car!" She quickly replied, "I'm not sure my bootie is too little!":)
Lately I've been painting my Mom's nails every week when I go to spend time with her. Many times when I tell her how great they look, she says, "What, these old little things?!" as she holds them up close to her face, showing them off by waving them around.
I love getting little glimpses of her old self! Oh how I love her!
PS. When it rains, it pours!
One last little item . . . I received a few phone calls today from my older sister. First she informed me that #1, my Mom got lost again for a little while. My Mom and Dad went to get hair cuts, and while my Dad was getting his cut and my Mom was waiting, she got out somehow without anyone seeing her . . and disappeared, right on busy Foothill Boulevard! I'm not sure how long she was missing, but a kind member of their stake picked her up and contacted my Dad while my Dad and sister were out searching for her. Paige was just calling me to get others in on the search when the good news came in. Thank goodness!! And then I was just informed by my sister that my Dad has broken his knee cap while playing tennis today. Oh my goodness! What more can he endure right now? The guy needs a break! His morning walks and tennis games are his therapy and now that will have to be on hold for a time . . . probably at least a few months! My Dad is one that does not like to be fussed over at all, and would probably be a little mad at me if he heard that I told you all about him and his condition, but just don't tell him where you got your info. It will be our little secret! Let's fuss over him . . . the guy deserves it!
