Love our weekly outings!

May 21, 2014

On the mountain across from Hogle Zoo, May 2014

I called and talked to my Mom briefly yesterday to tell her that we are going out of town for a few days for Memorial Day weekend, and that I won't be able to go on our usual, weekly outing this week.  She was just as socially gracious as ever!  "Oh, don't even worry about it!"  "We can go when you get back!"  "You need a vacation!"  "Drive safe and have a good time!"  "We'll have some fun when you get home!"  When I was telling her some of the things that we can do when I get home, she says, "I would love that!"  Those are totally things that my Mom would have said with her healthy mind too!  I just love how positive she is and how happy she seems right now!  I see it as a tender mercy in the midst of this difficult time!  A little positivity goes a long way!  

Our weekly outing last week consisted of a hike on a mountain near their home.  In fact, it's so close that we walked there from my parent's house.  We walked/climbed half way up a very tall mountain and were wishing we had enough time to go all the way to the top!  We've done it a few times before in past years, but I had to get home to get my son to his baseball game.  Next time we're going to go with my Dad and go all the way to the top!  Interestingly, my plan was to cut across a trail that goes along the bottom of the mountain and leads to a Children's Museum by the University of Utah, but it was her idea to head straight up!  I'm so glad we did because we found a cool trail that I want to try again!  It wasn't too steep and was a beautiful trail, lined with flowers of every color.  We decided the only color that was missing in the array of flowers was red, our favorite!  My Mom and I had a great time picking a few of the flowers, wearing them behind our ears, and enjoying the day!  Mom ended up with 3 or 4 flowers poking out the top of her shirt, since she didn't know where else to put them. I think she may have ended up with a few of them down her shirt too!  :)  

My Mom got a little mixed up as to what mountain we were on and seemed very surprised to see the zoo right across the street when we got down to the bottom.  I believe she was thinking we were in the hills up above the Salt Lake Cemetery, where we went a month or so ago.  She was thrown off and disoriented for a bit! During our walk that day, she kept talking again about that "school on the hill" where she used to teach and where she wants to get a job.  And then she thought the tall apartment buildings at the end of her street was a hospital where she used to work.  She told me stories of when she was a nurse at the hospital . . . I think LDS Hospital up on the avenues of Salt Lake City. 


Cutest event of the whole day was when my Mom gave my Dad a big kiss right before we left on our trek.  She talked about my Dad, Mike, as "her boyfriend" or "whoever he is" and she seems so happy with him and with life!  At one point she even talked about how she wants to take "Mike" down to St. George to their condo . . because "he's never been there", she says.  He's actually been there numerous times with HER and is the owner of the condo. :)

I was talking to my Dad the other day about Mom and her game of tennis that she loves so much.  I guess she's down to playing only once a week now with some very patient and loving friends!  We are so curious as to how my Mom is playing right now.  She has not been able to keep the score for a few years, but we're really wondering how the rest of her game is.  We're pretty sure they now have to tell her where to stand and where to hit the ball, and I don't think her hand/eye coordination or reflexes are where they used to be.  My Dad was going to talk to the gals she plays with, and ask them, but I'm not sure he's done it yet.  I'm sure he's afraid to find out the real truth, because what if she ends up not being able to play anymore?  A game that she has thoroughly loved and played for almost 40 years!  A tender mercy would be if she soon forgets she even plays tennis, but I'm not sure that's going to happen right now.  She's still pretty obsessed with the idea of always going to play tennis with her friends. That's pretty much the only activity she has left, so hopefully she'll have a little more time!  I so appreciate her friends for their patience and love to her!!    


Flashing back to 4.5 years ago . . . 

(The following was written in January, 2010, but all took place during the year of 2009 . . . I must have had an extra load of "stuff" going on in 2009 because I didn't write any journal entries that year . . . but I did keep a list of things that happened and things I wanted to remember, and then wrote about them at the beginning of 2010!  Here are a few of those random "things".)

Our Girl's Lunch at Cowboy Grub, 2009

• This past year my Mom’s uncle Ed passed away (her mother’s sister’s husband . . . got that? :)). Ed’s wife, Betty, my Mom’s aunt, lives just a mile or so from my parents.  Ed and Betty never had children, so basically Betty is left all alone.  All her siblings have passed away and of course her parents too.  So anyway, my Mom and her sister Deanne planned a luncheon this past year with many of the gals of the family . . . all those that could come, including Betty.  We went to eat at Cowboy Grub in Salt Lake.  I remember my Mom seemed so good that day, almost as if nothing was wrong with her mind.  She probably did struggle with finding someone’s name or the name of a place, or something, because she said to all of us, “Will you remember me when I remembered?”  She has said this same thing to me a few times throughout the last handful of years.  We all just kind of laughed at the time, but it has stuck with me!  I will do my best to keep the memories alive of "when she remembered".
•  I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Mom is a heathen through and through!  She LOVES to have her scalp rubbed and her arm tickled.  We used to take turns tickling each other's head and arms all the time, but since we aren’t together all that much now, it doesn’t seem to happen as much as it should.  When we’re having family dinner together, I try to rub her head and scalp when I can.  She made the comment to me this past year as I was rubbing her head and she was in dreamland, “When I’m on my death bed, please rub my head like this . . . and keep my chin hairs plucked . . .” :)  I promised her I would do that!  I can not forget!
•  I’ve noticed lately that my Mom doesn’t answer the phone much anymore.  She WILL every once in a while, I believe when my Dad isn’t home, but for the most part she lets my Dad do most of the answering.  I guess that’s fairly typical of someone with Alzheimer’s as they sometimes have a difficult time tracking a conversation.  I haven’t noticed yet that she is difficult to talk to on the phone.  Other than repeating herself a little, she seems to do just fine.  When I call their house, I find myself 90% of the time talking to my Dad, and so I make the special effort, when I have time, to ask for her and talk to her.  I don't want her to ever think we wouldn't want to talk to her too!
• A few months ago, this past year sometime, I had my parents over for dinner.  I can’t remember the occasion, but I was making some big meal for some reason, and just told them to come out.  We usually have all our family gatherings at THEIR house, so this was quite unusual for them, to be invited to OUR house.  It was very fun to have them and I should really do it more often!  Anyway, I’ll never forget getting a phone call from my Mom later that night, thanking me for dinner and telling me what a great daughter I am!  That meant a lot to me!

   

Show affection . . . like a kiss on the nose! :)

May 14, 2014 

Talking to our favorite missionary, Jake, by Skype, May 2014

My oldest son is serving a 2 year mission for our church in Mexico and has been gone for 10 months so far. We had the fun opportunity to talk to him this past Sunday for Mother's Day . . for 90 minutes on Skype!  We laughed, we cried, enjoyed his Mexican accent and savored the whole hour and a half!  We miss him a ton and are trying to convince ourselves that this first year has gone fast!  My parents and sister were able to join in on the call . . . and Matt's Mom too!  I'm glad that they could join us and that Jake was able to talk to his "Gramsies" and Gramps! When he wrote us a letter the next day, he expressed, amongst other things, that he feels that the grandparents all seem about the same except for my Mom, who he could tell is "slowing down a little . . . not a ton, but she did ask me the same question a few times in the span of just a few minutes."  I wonder how much my Mom understood about the whole situation??  Did she know that Jake is our son and is serving in Mexico on a mission? I really don't know, but she seemed to know.  But then as I handed her a small gift for Mother's Day, she said, "Oh, is it Mother's Day today?" We gave her a small plant and yummy chocolate bar and she seemed very grateful!     

I guess earlier in the day that same day, my sister called from Hawaii to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day.  At some point in the call, my Mom told my sister that she had a boyfriend.  "You mean Dad?" my sister asked.  "No, I mean I have a boyfriend. . . my husband died."  My sister asked to talk to this "boyfriend."  When my Mom put my Dad on the phone, Katie was relieved to find that it was just my Dad she was talking about. Phew!  My Mom seems to think that right now she's living with this really nice guy who is her boyfriend.  

My Mom is also experiencing some strange delusions lately.  Last week when my Mom and I went on a walk down to an outdoor shopping mall near their house, she talked about a school "up the hill" where she wanted to get another job.  I didn't think a whole lot about it because she's talked about wanting to get a job on a number of occasions . . and wanting to earn her own money.  Yesterday my Dad said she keeps talking about this "school up the hill" where she used to work and where she wants to go get a job.  Interestingly, it's not something she just brings up once, but I guess she's talking about this a lot lately.  Where do these thoughts originate from? Is she thinking of the job she used to have as a nursing careers teacher at East and Highland High, and just wanting a job like that again? I believe that teaching job WAS one of the highlights of her life.  She LOVED teaching those high school kids, and I think the kids loved her too!  

Mom and Dad out in front of our house, Fall 2009

My Dad had a somewhat funny and eye opening experience with this gal that is coming in daily to help clean and be with my Mom. Her name is Mafi and unfortunately I haven't had a chance to meet her yet.  My Dad says she is WONDERFUL!  How lucky we are to find such a great and loving person to help take care of my Mom!  Honestly, it brings me to tears as I think that a total stranger can come into my parent's house and be so loving and caring towards someone they just met! The other day Mafi pulled my Dad aside, and in all seriousness, told him that he needs to be showing my Mom more affection and love. My Dad laughed a little as he told me the story . . . of his "reprimanding by Mafi!" My Dad was a good sport and told her that he would definitely take her advice.  She sounds like she is a very wise woman!  I don't believe it comes natural for my Dad to show affection to my Mom or to anyone in public, but I'm sure he does in private!  It seems that it has always been my Mom who has gone in for a little kiss or wraps her arms around him.  This will be a good challenge for him!  Interestingly, even though my Mom forgets who my Dad is much of the time, and now thinks it's her "boyfriend", I watched her the other day as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him right on the nose.  So cute!  Wish I would have caught a photo!


Flashing back to a little over 4 years ago . . .

At a family reunion in Provo, Utah . . Summer, 2009

January 15, 2010
 
    Wow, it’s been over a year since I’ve sat down to express my thoughts about my Mom.  It’s not that I don’t think about her every single day, and many times a day, but life seems to get away from me.  My six kids are keeping me exceptionally busy with all of their sports, music, art, scouts etc.  Although I haven’t written, I have been keeping a list of happenings from this past year.  Here are a few things from that list:

    I have really seen a change in my Dad over the past year or so.  I can’t put blame on my Dad in the days that he has seemed impatient with my Mom.  I can only imagine how hard it would be to live with someone 24 hours a day that repeats the same questions over and over and who can’t seem to keep their own life in order.  It would be very difficult and trying on the patience level.  In the last year or so it’s almost as if my Dad has just come to terms with it, and accepted the fact that his wife has Alzheimer’s disease . . . and he’s dealing with it the best he possibly can.  It’s so nice to see him showing her affection and loving her.  She usually initiates the hugs that I see, but that’s usually the way it’s been in the past anyway.

Watching my oldest play in a tennis match, 2009

    I mentioned a new planner that I bought for my Mom 2 Christmases ago to help her keep track of her life. . . well, it didn’t work!  She just kept going back to her old calendar and could never quite figure out the other one.  I think she must have finally just thrown the new one away because I can't find it anywhere.  For a few months I would pull it out and show her how it could be so helpful, but she just couldn’t do it! :(

Thank you, Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

May 9, 2014

On this Mother’s Day, I wanted to thank my fabulous Mom for the many great things I have learned from her over the years!  Moms are the greatest!

“All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.”  
-Abraham Lincoln

Thank You Mom . . . 

• . . . For being one of the best examples of service I have ever seen!  On many occasions I accompanied you as you visited the sick and lonely and I often witnessed many nursing careers students and young women coming to visit you at our house.  You had such a way with people that you just knew how to make them feel good about themselves and they loved to be around you.  You taught me to love God and others!
• . . . For emptying trash cans onto my bedroom floor while I was at school when I didn't finish the job you asked me to complete before I left for school . . to teach me the valuable lesson of consequences.  I knew that I should have finished my chore of emptying ALL the garbages before leaving, but sometimes I was testing you and most likely being a little lazy too!  You were good about following through with consequences, and I appreciated that they were never too harsh . . . just harsh enough to teach me a good lesson!  
• . . . For chasing me around the house the day after my first kiss, trying to get me to admit it had happened!  I realized then that there were no secrets I could keep from you!  You could read me like a book!  I loved that you knew me so well and that I could talk to you about anything and everything! 
•  . . . For crying with us when our dogs died, and showing me that it’s ok to show emotions even as an adult.  I know we promised you that we would take care of those animals ourselves and that you would hardly have to get involved . . . but the reality is, we know you did most of the work in taking care of those dogs (Chuck, Wrigley, Bentley etc.) and other animals!  It was you that often picked up their poop and fed them!  Thanks for your patience with us! 
•  . . . For being there when I got home from school on most days!  I remember running home from the bus stop, knowing that you would be there to patiently listen to me ramble on about boys, friend issues, etc.  I always knew I had a safe place to go to talk about what was on my mind!
•  . . . For waiting up for me when I was a teenager and not getting too mad when I was a little late!  You might remember that time when I had a 12:30 curfew and I walked in at about 1am to find you sitting at the kitchen table, looking very disappointed!  Thank you for caring enough to wait up for me and then not blowing your top at me . . even when you were probably so tired and could have had 2 hours of sleep already!  Again, thank you for your incredible patience!

• 

  1969 with my Mom!

• . . . For making me stay at the kitchen table until my spinach or asparagus was eaten as a little girl!  You taught me that we need to try new things and that sometimes we will even find new foods that we like!  I’m still not a cooked spinach fan, but I’m glad that you made me try it anyway, and encouraged me to eat my veggies!  I’m happy to tell you now that I will eat most anything!  I'm no longer so picky!
•  . . . For letting me cook by your side, and teaching me to cook many of your best dishes.  I remember making scrambled eggs and omelettes with you, french toast, all kinds of cookies, sweet rolls, chicken and broccoli casserole, crescent rolls, donuts, German pancakes, deviled eggs, cheese fondue and the list goes on and on.  Although you probably don’t remember that you cooked at all, as Dad has done most of the cooking for the last handful of years, we will always remember that you did, and we thought you were an awesome cook!   
• . . . For allowing me to raid your closet and wear many of your clothes!  I was always so grateful that I was your only daughter that wore the same size clothes and shoes as you.  I always thought you had the classiest taste and I loved to borrow your clothes!  You never seemed to mind and have always been such a great example of generosity!

  

  One of her cartwheels or handstands!

•  . . . For doing cartwheels and hand stands on the grass, for tap dancing in the kitchen, doing leaps in the air where you would tap your heels together . . . showing me that life is to have fun and to be enjoyed, and not to be taken too seriously!  
•  . . . For making me take swim lessons when I was young where they made me tread water for the first 5 minutes of class . . . and I thought I might die.  I have always been a very confident swimmer and I thank you for that!  I’m glad you pushed me to do hard things!   
• . . . For teaching me that reading can be fun and enjoyable!  You were always reading some book for your book club or just for fun, and I appreciate that example!  When I have the time, I enjoy a good book too! 
•  . . . For being my taxi driver through the years . . to school, to the movies, piano lessons, violin, ballet, art, swim team, tennis, and anytime I just needed a ride to or from a friend's house!  I never remember any complaints about having to be in your car so much!  You were also my best cheerleader and supporter at tennis matches, dance and music recitals, and to all my other events! 
•  . . . For teaching me to file away my church lessons and talks.  I now do the very same thing and I love to have them right at my fingertips when I need them!  I think I will raid your files one day . . . I'm sure I will find many treasures there!  
• . . . For being a diligent journal writer and for teaching me to do the same.  I look forward to reading all your journals one day!  
•  . . . For helping me to see the joy in being outdoors and the importance of a little exercise! You have been a great walking and hiking partner through the years and I am an outdoor lover as a result! Being outside is my therapy, as I know it is for you too!
•  . . . For taking a ton of photos everywhere we went, and inspiring me to do the same.  Don’t worry that you don’t take photos anymore . . . I’ve got it covered and will take it from here!  
•  And lastly, thank you for showing me how to love and for always loving me unconditionally! 

You are a gem of a Mom and don't you forget that! I know that you have always been afraid that we will forget the person you were when your mind was healthy and strong. Rest easy and know that I am going to make sure that your goodness and love and example will be carried on forever, as I'm sure your other kids and grand kids will too!  Love you now, always and forever! 

Happy Mother's and Grandmother's Day!

This is our one and only life and we need to make the best of it!

May 6, 2014

My brother and sister-in-law are in town from South Carolina and so we got everybody together for dinner this past Sunday.  This same brother is moving from South Carolina to Idaho Falls next month . . . and then my sister, who has been living with her family of 7 in Hawaii for the last 5 years, is also moving back next month!  After 5 years of them living away, we are finally going to have everybody within driving distance!  Our Sunday dinners are going to be wild and crazy when we have everyone there (19 grand kids altogether!), but they will be fun too!  I'm excited!  

Anyway, this last Sunday, when we arrived at my parent's house, my Mom met us at our car as we pulled up.  She was happily welcoming us all!  The first thing I noticed was just how happy she seemed.  There has been many a time that we have showed up and I have been able to tell that she has been putting on a happy face, but something has been wrong with her and she has been down about something.  This disease has made her sad and mad on many occasions . . . but not this time! She had a smile on her face and that makes me happy to see!  It makes me think that slowly but surely she is becoming unaware of her circumstance of having Alzheimer's.  It's sad, but a tender mercy at the same time!

One of the first things my Mom said to me when we got inside was that she wanted me to come see her "friend" or "visitor" that lives in their bathroom.  This is about the third time that she has shown me the full size mirror in her bathroom and what appears to be a visitor looking back at us.  This time I could see that she clearly thinks the image of herself in the mirror is a stranger . . someone else!  She even introduced me to her this time with a little chuckle in her voice.  "How would you like to get out of the shower every morning and be greeted by that?" Wow!  I really don't know what to think of this.  Is it that her eye sight is going bad? Is it that she's seeing things that aren't really there? Does she really not recognize herself in the mirror? Well, we got a good little laugh out of it . . . even her!  If I don't laugh, I'll probably cry . . . so I think it's best to laugh a little instead! 

Anne, my Dad and Mom . . May 4, 2014

Some of my parents very best friends over the past 40 years, Steve and Anne, are now serving a mission for the LDS church back in Palmyra, New York.  After dinner my Dad got a call from Anne.  He went into the living room to talk to her since we were being noisy in the dining room.  I quickly figured out that Anne was playing a little trick on my parents as my sister and I watched her walk down my parent's driveway.  It was a fun little surprise for my parents to see her come walking through the front door when my Dad clearly believed he was talking to her while she was in New York.  She's here visiting her elderly mother.  I'm glad that they were able to spend some time together.  I wasn't with them long enough to know if my Mom fully remembered Anne, but I'm hoping so.  Anne and my Mom's friendship goes way way back and they have spent a ton of time together . . . many good times have been had by them . . . tap dancing, pool trips with our families, traveling together, book club luncheons, weekend outings, family outings together, playing tennis etc.!  

I would love to have known what Anne's thoughts were as she walked up to her car that day.  She didn't say it, but it was almost as if she wasn't letting herself think of the possibility that maybe that could be the last time she would see my Mom on this earth in a state where my Mom would somewhat know her.  By the time they get home from their mission in a year and a half, who knows what things will be like?  I'm glad I caught that great photo of them!
 

Paige, Mom, Dad and Sarah, Smith Fieldhouse at BYU, 5/01/14

My husband and I spoke at a big Women's Conference at Brigham Young University last week, and my parents came to watch.  It was great having a lot of the people that mean the most to me sitting right there in the front row supporting me!!  I spoke for about 20 minutes and then my hub Matt spoke for about 30 minutes.  A few times since that day, on the phone and in person, my Mom has asked me how Matt feels being done with such a big speech.  Interestingly she doesn't remember that I spoke too!  Oh well!  I'm glad she could be there anyway! 

My bro and sis-in-law and their family flew back home to North Carolina on Monday.  On their way to the airport I met them at Olive Garden where we all had lunch together. Mom, with all her social grace that she hasn't lost yet, politely said to the waitress, "I have never eaten at this restaurant before . . . will you tell me what's good here?"  I'm not sure that anyone else heard her say that, and if they did, everyone just ignored it.  Although we have probably eaten at that very restaurant with her 50 times, she did not recall eating there and the waitress proceeded to tell her the favorites.  My Dad encouraged her to have soup and salad like most of us.  

I simply can't imagine how difficult it would be to live with someone like my Mom 24/7.  It would be so trying on the patience all the time!  Every now and again my Dad seems a little annoyed, but for the most part, he is doing awesome!!  He said something to me just before they drove away to take my brother's family to the airport . . . "I really don't know what life will be like 3 or so months from now. . . I really hope to be able to take care of Mom until she dies . . at home!"  I hope it doesn't get too hard to handle so that we can fulfill my Mom's wishes of never having to send her to a "memory care" facility! 


Flashing back to 5.5 years ago . . . 

December 8, 2008
 
    My Mom and Dad just returned from Colorado, visiting my sister Katie and Adam and attending my niece Annie’s baptism.  It was a quick trip (just a few days) but I think they had a good time.  I hadn’t talked to my Mom for over a week so I called her this morning.  We both had a good cry.  I asked her how she was doing as far as her memory goes.  She immediately broke down and told me how good it feels to be able to let it all out.  She says she usually bottles it all up and doesn’t say anything, but I’m glad that she feels like she can open up to me!  She’s just very frustrated over her lack of memory and not being able to remember anything.  She says she has to write everything down or it goes forgotten.  “I’m tired of faking it!” she said.  I told her she doesn’t need to fake it.  The stress over faking it probably makes it even harder for her to remember!  She came to the conclusion herself that the people that know her best probably know anyway.  They do!  And even people she doesn’t know as well, I think they know too.  It would probably take a lot of pressure off her to just talk openly about it with her friends and stop trying to fake being healthy and normal. 

    Again, she expressed her desire to die a quick death.  “It would be so much better!”  “I don’t fear dying, but it’s just how I’m going to get there!”  I assured her again that we would make sure that she is taken care of and that her dignity stays in tact.  “Dad has enough money that he could put me up in a good nursing home. . . I just don’t want to be taken advantage of and abused in one of those homes!”  It makes me sad that she is even worried about that! 

    She also feels bad for my Dad for having to babysit her and keep her in line!  My Mom is also a little frustrated with my Dad because sometimes he’s not very patient with her.  She says she wishes he were more patient!  I want to talk to my Dad about it but I don’t want to offend him.  I’m sure it is very hard for him and without walking in his shoes, I can’t very fairly tell him to be more patient!  

Eating at Asian Star for my 40th Birthday, January 2009

    I asked my Mom today if she has been taking any drugs to help her.  She’s been taking Aricept, a drug for Alzheimer's patients.  I’ve guessed that she was taking something, but it was confirmed to me today.  My Mom knows and realizes that the drug will not cure her but will only slow it down.  She knows the reality of it all!  It’s too bad that she’s so aware of what is happening with her and her brain!  I talked to my Aunt Pat the other day about my Grandma who also had Alzheimer’s (we think!), or possibly it was just a form of dementia.  As far as we know, she was not aware what was happening to her.  We could be wrong though.  Maybe she was just more private and didn’t want to worry any of us by talking about it.  Maybe she knew what was happening but thought she could cover it up!  I think my Mom would probably bottle it all in too if I didn’t bring it up.  I think they need to be able to talk about it!  Just a small piece of advice:  If you have a relative that you suspect has it, figure out a way that you can let them talk about it so they can get it off their chest!

    My Mom is truly the best!  I told her the reason I’m the saddest is because I can’t imagine my life without her in it!  The thought of her dying and leaving me is devastating and I have already shed millions of tears over it. . . and I know a million more are coming!  There’s got to be some good and learning that will come out of all of this though.  There are things that I need to learn and that others need to learn through all of this.  I hope and pray that my Mom’s suffering is minimal through our necessary learning!  I want to be sure and remember the good times.  She so deserves to be remembered for her goodness and love, and not just for this horrid disease! 

    My Mom’s biggest fear is the future and what the future brings with this disease!  I told her the only thing we can do is go a day at a time, enjoy the good times, and not worry about what will happen in the future.  It will happen as it happens and she will die the day she dies.  Profound huh? :)  There’s no stopping it and nothing we can do about it.  This is our one and only life and we need to make the best of it!  I hope to help her see that and hope she can remember it! 

    I told my Mom this morning about the new planner I bought her that will help her keep track of her life.  She is excited for it and I'm excited to give it to her!

"Eating up every minute we have with them!"

April 28, 2014

Since my Dad now has this woman coming in to their house to help for a few hours each day, I'm no longer needed on Tuesdays.  I still want to try and have a weekly outing with my Mom though every week.  And I'd love it if my Dad wanted to come too, but I think a lot of times he's happy to just get a little break.  

Last Friday I arrived at my parent's house around lunch time to pick up my Mom to go on a little outing.  I didn't have a plan of what we were going to do, but it was a nice day and I thought we could go on a walk or go shopping or to lunch, or just whatever.  Right as I walked in the door and was greeted by both of them, I could tell my Mom had been crying.  Her eyes were red and it was just obvious.  I said, "Uh oh, what is going on? What's wrong?"  Apparently, a little earlier that day my Mom had walked the mile or so down the hill to the tennis center where my Mom has often played tennis.  I'm not exactly sure why she walked down there in her jeans and with her turtle neck on, but perhaps she was looking for her friends to play a little tennis.  The people there asked her if she was supposed to be there and if my Dad knew she was there.  I think that made her feel stupid.  Then they told her not to go anywhere and that they would find her a ride back home.  I'm pretty positive they were just trying to be helpful as they called my Dad to come get her, but my Mom felt dumb and  horrible!  "People think I don't have a brain!  People treat me like I am long gone!  If I walked myself down there, certainly I can get myself home!" I felt awful for her and feel so bad that she feels this way.  Quickly I changed the subject and fortunately we went on to have a very nice day together!  She brought up that experience a few times in the first hour, but then fortunately I think she forgot about it! 

On one of the walkway overpasses of I-215 in SLC!

We ended up going on a walk in a place that I have always wanted to walk and explore.  There's a walking/biking path that goes parallel and very near to one of our freeways here in Salt Lake City.  It's I-215 just off Foothill Boulevard and the pathway ends up going over the freeway a few times with these coolest walkways.  I have always wanted to walk there and see where the paths lead.  We had so much fun!  My Mom told me that she's never ever been on those paths before, but I would be surprised if she really hasn't.  They are great paths and are very close to my parent's house.  I'll bet she has been on them on one or more of her many bike rides out to my house years ago. It would be a great way to go. 

As we walked along, Mom kept telling me how glad she is that I will be her walking and exploring buddy.  "There's not a lot of people that would want to do this with me!"  I feel the same about her.  I love that she likes to "walk over that next peak" and see what's on the other side.  We're a lot alike that way!  How many people would want to just take off and explore a new path, half the time not knowing where exactly it leads?  We both love it! 

These walks and hikes are getting a little harder though lately . . . my Mom often feels like we're going the wrong way, or we need to go a different way or that people at home are worried about her and she needs to call them. "There's a guy that's sort of babysitting," she said, "and I probably need to tell him where I am. . . or he'll be worried."  I guessed she was talking about my Dad?  Also, as I've mentioned before, her vision is not the best or she just sees things that are not there.  There was a place on this walk that goes down into a gully and there is a gigantic rock there with tons of grafitti on it.  You can see it from the freeway.  There are also many other rocks, not seen by the freeway, that have been painted on in bright colors and she kept thinking she was seeing people.  "There are a couple of people standing over there."  "Do you see those people up there?"  But we were down there all alone.    

For the most part I feel that my Mom usually is aware of who I am -- her daughter . . . but then just clearly out of the blue the other day she asked me where I grew up.  That happens every now and again.  When I told her I grew up by Hogle Zoo, she said, "Oh, then you lived really close to here too?"  And when we drove past my old piano teacher's house who lived very close to there, she said, "Oh, did you take from her too?"  It was my Mom who drove me there every week for years when I was little, but I didn't bother to remind her of that.

Cheerleading kicks on our walk, April 25, 2014 :)

Despite my Mom's forgetfulness and occasional confusion, we had a good old time!  One thing that is not gone, as mentioned before, is her sense of humor! We can definitely still laugh together and I love that!  It's a tender mercy in a mostly difficult situation.  At one point during our walk, she even broke out into a little dancing and some old-time cheerleading kicks!  So great to see these little glimpses of her real happy and energetic self! 

I'm so grateful for these times that we can have fun together, make memories and just enjoy each other's company.  My hope is that I am bringing some happiness into her life!  She deserves the best!


Flashing back to 5.5 years ago . . . 

November 30, 2008

    One week ago today I heard the bad news that my good friend’s Dad has recently been diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  My friends are twins and the ironic thing is that just months ago, in the spring, I went up the canyon to Midway on a little girl’s get-away with the two of them, and my other friend Anne, and totally had a break down about my Mom.  They sat and listened so intently to me as I cried my eyes out about this slow process of losing my Mom.  They are now expecting to watch their Dad's physical body deteriorate over the next few months or years to the point that he won’t be able to talk or eat by himself.  I shed some tears for them knowing what they have probably been through this past week or two, and knowing how many tears they will probably shed before it’s all through.  I sent them the following email last Monday . . .

Dear Emily and Laura,

My Dad told me the news about your Dad last night.  I'm not sure where he heard it from.  My stomach dropped for you and I have not stopped thinking about you since then.  I'm so sorry!  How long have you known?  What do the doctors say?  I've heard that one can live for many good years after being diagnosed.  Are you feeling encouraged?  What are you feeling?  How is he feeling?  I don't believe there is anything harder in the world than having to watch our parent's health deteriorate!  I have dreaded this day for all of my life and it is tough!  You saw me break down at Zermatt over my Mom and her Alzheimer's.  Those breakdowns come about once a month, but for the most part I'm doing great.  I feel blessed that I have most likely a few more years to tell her how much I love her and to spend as much time with her as possible!  She wishes with all of her might that she had some physical ailment instead, like a melanoma, because she dreads having her mind go.  She says she would give anything to keep her mind in tact and to just have her physical body go instead!  She's totally aware of what's happening and is really sad and frustrated by it. 

I hope that you are both doing well and hanging in there.  I don't know exactly what to say at a time like this, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family! 

Love you guys!!

Mardi


This is what I heard back from the two of them . . .

Oh Mardi,
It's just awful, isn't it? So much sadness. At best guess, he started 
having symptoms about a year ago but nothing significant until May. 
Even then, the doctors thought it might just be some bad arthritis in 
his neck. But this past week, the neurologist did some major testing 
and they are pretty sure that it's ALS.  So we have been doing a lot 
of crying (I'm sure you know all about that one!) and talking and 
worrying and planning and more crying.  The silver lining (it's very 
thin) is that at least we get some time with him and can take 
advantage of it. They are determined to live in the present and not 
look too far ahead, so we will eat up every minute we can with him and 
enjoy this time when he can still do things. And, for better or 
for worse, his mind does stay intact the entire time. He will just be 
trapped in a shell of a body and not be able to communicate or 
anything!  It's bad either way but I'm sure the worst thing for your 
mom is to have times when you know what is going on and not have any 
control over it. The whole thing is just horrible!

For us, one of the bad things (and for you also)  is just not knowing 
how fast or slow it's going to go, you know what I mean?! The average 
time range for ALS (Lou Gehrig's)  is 3-5 years. We think he has a 
slow moving case and it should continue that way, but who knows? We're 
crying about everything he's going to have to go through and he's 
crying about causing us all so much heartache. So no one wins! 
Ugghhh!!!!

Emily said to me, right off the bat, that we should call you and 
let you know since you would understand the heartache. At least we can 
all go through this together. (Aren't we just a little too young 
still?!)
We love you too! Happy Thanksgiving!
Laura

And from Emily . . .
Well said Laura. That pretty much sums it up. Thanks, Mardi, for your email and for being such a good friend. You really do "get it". There are some positives to knowing someone is not well and having time to talk about things that really matter most and telling them how much you love them. But I think at this stage in the game, I'd rather deal with the shock and sadness of having them die suddenly rather than a drawn out sickness. It's just too sad for all of us...parent, spouse and children. It's like you're mourning for years before they're even gone. Anyway, it's going to be years of good times and sad times for you and us. I'm so sorry about your Mom. I have thought of you and your family so often. We need to have another "girl trip" and we can all cry together this time!

Lots of love
Emily

I then wrote them back . . .

Em and Laura,

You know I've thought A LOT about this and about whether or not I would rather have them die suddenly or to have it prolonged over years and years.  I've gone back and forth about it for the last few years . . . I've definitely had times when I felt like you, Emily, because we could cry and get the hardest part over in a few months if it was quick, but I think, at least for now,  I've come to appreciate this slow way better.  I think I might have regrets if they were to just die suddenly.  I've been able to have many heart to heart talks with my Mom in the last few years and I probably wouldn't have to that extent if it weren't for her condition.  I call her more and make sure I spend lots of time with her when we're together.  I just don't want any regrets!  You're right though, the crying and worry will be dragged out for years, but it does get a bit easier with a little time.  I think when I finally came to terms with the fact that my Mom most likely had Alzheimer's, I cried for days and days and didn't think my life could ever be the same, but fortunately the crying spells have gotten further and further apart.  Like I said, I have a breakdown about it about once a month.  It might be by myself and it might be to someone like with you guys at Zermatt. 

Do you know what has really helped me?  I am keeping a journal on my computer about my feelings and I'm writing down different memories of her as I go.  I write when I'm all alone and it has really helped me to get out my emotions.  Then my family and friends don't have to see me cry all the time!  Then when she's gone, I will have a collection of great memories of her when she was healthy!  She always says, "Please remember me when my mind was good!"  And I'm determined to do just that! 

Love you guys!  I sure feel for you!  In fact, my emotions have all come flowing back for you!  I think this is hopefully my cry for the month!  :)  I'm so sorry you have to go through this!  Just plan on a million tears before it's all done.  Remember, there can be positive that comes from all this.  I'm sure it's hard to find right now but you'll find it as time goes on.  Hang in there!  Have a great Thanksgiving!!!

Love ya,
Mardi

PS.  It's interesting that you mention "mourning for years before their gone".  I feel that I have gone through the grieving process over and over and over again!  But really, for some reason, just in the last year or so, I have had a peace about it all.  I just keep thinking about the fact that this isn't the real life.  This is just a speck of eternity and one day we'll be able to be with the ones we love, with healthy minds and bodies, forever!!  Wow, this is a little heavy, sorry!  Have a great day!!

Then, this is the last I heard from one of them just a few days ago . . .

No, that's not a little heavy! Those are just the same thoughts I've been having and reminding myself of...they help bring some perspective. It may be really sad now, but this is just a blink in the eternal time line. Thanks for your thoughts...they really help. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow. We'll keep in touch.

Love,
Emily

    I will have to be sure and keep in touch with them in the months and years to come!  This life is truly interesting!

    We ended up having one of the best Thanksgiving Days I have ever had this past Thursday!  Our original plan was to go to St. George for the whole weekend, but we decided not to when we thought that Paige (my sister) was going down instead.  She ended up not going, but we decided to stay home anyway.  We ended up going with my parents, Steve, Jenny and Ashley, and Paige on our traditional walk from my parent’s house to Temple Square, a six mile walk downtown.  With two cars planted downtown earlier that morning, we then drove to Chuck-arama and ate!  No preparation, no clean up, and great food!  It was great!  I know a lot of people think that is so untraditional to have a restaurant meal on Thanksgiving, but I think it was great!  We then went and watched a movie at Jenny’s parent’s new house in their new amazing theater room.  It was just an all around fun and relaxing day with my family and I loved every minute! 

    My Mom seems to be doing pretty good these days.  I didn’t even really notice that she repeated her questions so much in these last few weeks, but it’s more that she seems to get lost and confused when she’s trying to follow our conversations and knowing what we’re talking about. 

Memory:  One great memory I’ll always have of my Mom is that she has always been so diligent in sending us Valentine cards.  For as long as I can remember she has sent us all (including grandkids!) cards on Valentine’s Day telling us how much she loves and appreciates us.  I appreciate that!  She’s such a great Mom and Grandma!