I miss her!

Memorial Day, 2015 . . Salt Lake City Cemetery

May 26, 2015
I made a spur of the moment decision on Sunday . . which is sort of unlike me.  I decided to go spend the afternoon and evening with my parents and sister.  As it was Memorial Day weekend, we went and visited the cemeteries where my grandparents are buried . . my Mom's parents and my Dad's parents, and even a set of great grandparents.  It might sound a little morbid too, but I really wanted to see where my parents have purchased plots for themselves.  So we also went and visited the location where they will be buried one day.  It may sound strange too, but I love the location where they will one day be buried, right under a tree, in a peaceful spot next to my old stake center.  I told my parents that it would be a great location for us to hold a picnic each Memorial Day!  I don't think my Dad knew quite how to respond to that.  I've never noticed before Sunday, but I was amazed at how many families congregate at the grave sites of their loved ones and hold a picnic or lay down blankets and stay a while.  They don't just drop off flowers and leave and I love that idea!  A possible future tradition!

My Mom and I were able to go on a little walk too before it got dark on Sunday, and we even got to sit and watch the sunset together.  On our way home, she was convinced we were going the wrong way and didn't recognize their home when we arrived back there. :(  It's no wonder that she often gets lost and can't find her way home when she gets out without my Dad knowing!  Thanks to their awesome neighbors who often pick her up and take her home!  You know who you are and we are grateful!    

Mom, Dad and sis, Paige - Larkin Cemetery

Before Sunday, I hadn't seen my parents for a while.  This is a busy time of year for us, as we have a missionary coming home in a month, a son who is graduating from high school next week, and all of our spring sports which are coming to an end.  I feel bad that I haven't been able to spend more time with my parents lately.  I've talked to them though (mainly my Dad) on the phone and things seem to me to be getting a little worse each day.  More and more my Mom seems confused about the people who are closest to her, as I can tell that she does not quite understand how all of us fit into her world.  When we talk to her about her kids and grand kids, she acts pleasantly surprised and a bit confused. It's sometimes almost as if we're dealing with my 4 year old Mom.  There is no reasoning with her.  As much as we explain to her that people are not stealing from her or that she IS in fact at her own home, she doesn't buy it.  We could repeat it over and over again and she still wouldn't believe us or comprehend what we are saying.  

My sister Paige and my Dad say that my Mom does not sit still!  That's one of the toughest things about dealing with her I think.  For as long as I can remember, she has been a woman on the go, rarely seen sitting and just relaxing.  Even now, she never just sits down on the couch to watch a television show, look at a magazine, or take a nap . . unless she's tired.  Some of her meds make her tired and I'm sure they are a big blessing sometimes.  During the daytime, she constantly paces around the house looking for something to do, sits next to my Dad, asks him questions and asks when they can go do something or go home.  My Dad is in the process of trying to get his home help to come for longer periods of time . . even into the nighttime hours.  I guess evening hours are hardest, which I have not really experienced!  

Lately I find myself not making as many attempts to talk to my Mom on the phone when I call their house.  I feel bad about that too, but it's getting harder, as I don't know if she knows exactly who she is talking to.  Does she understand that I am her daughter?  Or does she think I'm just a nice gal calling her to find out how things are going in her life?  I'm not sure anymore . . . and it's hard!  I really don't want any regrets though and know that I need to keep making every effort I can.  She so deserves it!  

My two niece's special baptism day . . May, 2015

My parents were able to make the journey to Colorado a few weeks ago to stay with my brother's family and be there for my twin niece's baptism.  My Dad was a little hesitant about making the trip, knowing it would be difficult, but he did it!  I know that he's glad that he went and didn't want to miss such a special occasion, but it was very difficult and he will probably not be attempting any more trips with her.  I don't know all the details about their trip but I do know at one point that she attempted to open their car door while driving down the freeway, wanting to be let out so that she could go home.  And while staying at the home of my brother Mike and his family, she kept thinking that her house was up the street and kept talking about wanting to go there.  

As I laid in bed a few nights ago, waiting to fall asleep, the reality hit me that my Mom, the Mom I've known, loved and looked up to for all these years, the Mom I could call anytime for good advice, is no longer here.  I know that I've known this for quite some time now, but for some reason it just really hit me at that moment and I shed a few tears . . . just a few more tears to add to the millions shed for her!  I miss her! 

For those of you whose Moms are still around with healthy minds, appreciate them!  Don't take them for granted . . as I know I did sometimes!  They will not be here on earth forever!    

Mom's Journal entries from the 80's:

In my little spare time lately, I have been reading through one of my Mom's journals that started in the late 70's and goes to the mid 80's . . . when all of us 6 kids were young and running her ragged!   Wow, she's had quite the full and good life!  

An embarrassing, yet happy time - 

September 10, 1983 - (I was 14 at the time)
 "My 40th Birthday - This now turns into the memoirs of a 40 year old woman.  I started off the day at Michael (my brother's) soccer game.  He got to be the goalie for the first time and was delighted.  His team won 4-0 - a great day!  
Mike (my Dad) told me he was too busy to go to his family reunion in Provo, so I ended up taking all the kids and going by myself.  I was pretty chapped as it was HIS family reunion, not mine!  I kept saying, 'Nothing could be more important than being with your family today.'  He said, 'I just have too much to do!"  I got home at 5pm and was still mad.  Anne Stewart (good friend) had called to see what I wanted to do that night for my birthday.  We decided to go play tennis at Hamilton and then get something to eat.  When we arrived at their house to pick them up, Anne said, 'I want to give Merrilee her present now.' When we went in, there were about 20 people there for a surprise birthday party.  That's what had kept Mike busy all day and I felt pretty sheepish.  I also was very surprised.  It was a great dinner with friends, followed by Eastern Onion - a guy came in in red tights and a tu tu and sang me a little 40th Birthday message. Mike decided he wanted to see me squirm.  The evening was topped off with weird and hilarious birthday presents . . . and last but not least, Mike had put together a beautiful book of letters from all my friends and relatives over the years.  The most exciting of course was the one he wrote me.  It was a very memorable evening . . a real, masterful job done by Mitchie boy! (Dad's nickname by Mom)  And to think I'd been mad at him! I've got great friends and relies!!"

It seems like my Mom was always in charge of preparing food for something or taking food into some neighbor for various reasons. Sad times were mingled in with her busy times!   

September 12, 1983 - 
"I was in charge of the food for the neighborhood party (180 people) and it turned out very well.  We had lasagna from Cinegrill, green salad, a fruit plate, garlic bread, drinks and donuts.  There were ponies for the kids and a great magic show . . . I also killed our bunny today -- left her in the sun too long and found her dead.  I feel terrible!"  

Mom and her sister Deanne . . . in the 80's?

Here is a journal entry revealing feelings that most of us Moms can probably relate to!  I know I can relate!  

April 14, 1985 - (I was 16 at the time)
"This is one of those days I feel totally unappreciated and overworked.  Mike and I went to a play (Raisin in the Sun) and didn't get home until 11:30pm.  Then I started making Swiss steak and jello salad for Sunday dinner - I was having 11 for dinner - us plus Grandma Cora and Margaret and Bill.  I got to bed at 12:30.  
Sunday morning I got up and finished the meal - putting rolls in pans, setting table, doing dishes etc.  Then about 10am I started preparing my mutual lesson and it took most of the morning.  I got to church about 12:30 and helped set up. 
I went to Mike's Sunday School class and then went to run home to put the meat in the oven.  All the kids started whining to go with me.  I left them all bawling and went to call Paige to see if she would put it in -- she said she was too busy -- so I just hung up and ran home to do it myself.  I got back to sacrament in time to march Michael out to sit on a chair for fighting with Stephen.  
After we got home, I still had potatoes to cook and mash, and carrots and peas to cook.  We ate at 5:00.  We had some neighbors show up at 5:15 and they stayed until 6:30.  Margaret, Bill and Grandma Cora showed up at 6:00 and I was running back and forth from our neighbors to the kitchen to get their dinner. 
I cleaned all the dishes by myself while they ate and then we got out the cake and icecream mess for Stephen's birthday.  All of the neighbor kids came in and I fed them cake and icecream too along with the 11 of us.  With mess everywhere, Stephen opened the refrigerator and spilled a pitcher of fruit punch all over the inside of the refrigerator and all over the floor and into the closet. 
I felt so exhausted I could have kicked the wall.  Mike took his parents downstairs to listen to relaxing music while I "emoted" all over the kitchen trying to remove the sticky mess!
About this time one of my daughter's friends showed up and the two of them reminded me that I'd promised to type their play they had made up . . . so one and a half hours later I finished "my" typing assignment.  I was so exhausted I could hardly move the mop to take one more layer of sticky off the floor.  
Meanwhile Mike went to spring sing practice, leaving me trying to get the kids away from the tv (watching Poltergeist) and to get them into bed.  As I become more and more hysterical, finally they went to bed . . . and they were so mad at me because I am the "meanest, grouchiest mother" they have ever seen.  I had not ounce of sympathy -- only venom!
If this is the day of rest, I sure don't want to see what Monday holds. 
P.S. The dog also barfed all over our bedroom rug -- but Mike, realizing my mood, cleaned it up! 

It makes me wonder where I was during all this?!  Geez, I hope I helped her that day, or on other similar, crazy days!   

I have learned so much from my Mom through the years and never want to forget some of the great lessons . . . 

March 14, 1985
After talking about my Great Grandma Storrs passing away, she talked about how they all gathered at her house to divide up her belongings, and realizing how unimportant 'things' are . . . "It's funny that my usual pattern is not mourning those who have passed on.  It's not that I don't love them and miss them.  Maybe it's just my firm feelings in an after life with less suffering.  Maybe it's just a blessing."

I feel the same way.  Thank goodness for the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again one day . . . with their healthy minds and bodies!