I had a dream . . .

April 24, 2017 

Two days ago (on Saturday) I sat down next to a gal in my neighborhood at one of my youngest son's basketball games. I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but we somehow got on the random topic of loved ones who have died and feeling their presence from the other side. I always had the belief that once my Mom passed away, I would feel her often. It hasn't been the case unfortunately. I had just decided that she must be keeping real busy over there on the other side. Although my thoughts are with her often, I haven't felt like I have had a real experience when I felt her presence.

Until now. I think I may have had my first experience with feeling like she was there . . like I actually spent some time with her! Yesterday (Sunday), in the early hours of the morning, I had a dream, and the dream even woke me up, earlier than I wanted to get up.  It's not too often that I can remember much about my dreams but this one seemed different.  It was so fresh on my mind and it seemed so real! It was random and a bit strange, but I guess that's how dreams are, right?  

This is what I remember . . I was at Costco with my Mom and my Dad and my sister Paige. We were walking up and down the isles talking and shopping. I don't remember much of what was said or too many specifics, but I do remember how I felt and one thing that my Mom said right before I woke up. The mood was light and happy, and in reference to my Dad, she said, "There's one thing I want you to remember, and that is . . he's mine and only mine!" It was said in a playful sort of way, the way she used to be with my Dad when she would give him a big smoocheroo right in front of us, or when she would "jibby our buns" (soft pinches on our behinds that is a common occurrence amongst my Mom and her siblings. :)) My Mom and Dad were walking in front of us playfully holding hands, which was not a common site to see with them. They were not known to hold hands in public much that I can remember. The visual will forever be in my mind of them walking out the exit doors of Costco smiling and holding hands. I had the feeling that this was a rare occasion with my Mom and was not going to last long, so I hurriedly tried to get my phone out to take their picture as they held hands . . . but I didn't quite make it before I woke up. Haha I wish I could take photos that would last in our dreams! I guess my memory will have to do! 

This might not sound like any big deal, but it felt so real to me.  I felt like I had just seen her and spent some time with her.  I woke up with a headache so I got up to take some medicine and as I sat and recalled this dream, the tears came back. I think these might be my first tears in a few months as time has definitely made my tears fewer and farther between.  The tears flowed freely for probably 10 minutes. They were tears of happiness for feeling like she is so happy, and for the great sadness I feel at the same time. I miss her so darn much sometimes that I can hardly stand it!  

I have to look at this experience as a little tender mercy . . . as a small message from my Mom that all is well and good over there on the other side. Yes, perhaps it was just a dream and a dream only . . . but I am going to look at it as a bit more than that! My Dad sometimes makes the comment that he hopes my Mom remembers him and still likes him when they finally get to reunite. I hope this gives him some comfort that of course she will remember him, she's happy and is patiently waiting for their reunion when they will get to spend eternity with each other!   

Dreams are peculiar things!  But I am ever so grateful! Hopefully there will be similar dreams down the road!

Here are a couple of my Moms journal entries from the late winter and early spring of 1981, exactly 36 years ago when I had just turned 12 years old . . . in her own handwriting! The first one is just a random journal entry with a picture she drew of her infected eyes . . . I thought it was cute and funny! And I've posted this last journal entry before, but it's just too good not to post again and again . . . this time it's in her own handwriting!  I want for all of her posterity to read it!  Such a good message! 

 

Thanks for setting such a great example for us, Mom!  Love you so much! xoxox

 

One year anniversary!

January 22, 2017

Visiting the cemetery this week!

We just hit the one year anniversary of Mom's passing this past week . . . January 18th! She died on Monday, Martin Luther King Day at 9:27pm, but this year the 18th came just a few days after Martin Luther King Day . . this past Wednesday.  We honored Mom by taking flowers to her grave site at the cemetery and then we went to dinner as a family with everyone that lives in town . . to Chuck-a-rama.  For some reason my family (my boys) are just really fond of that place and I have even grown to like it too. That's a tradition I hope to keep up through the years!  The weather was cold and wet, so we didn't stay long, but we stayed long enough to talk about her for a few minutes, leave flowers and say a family prayer. 

Larkin Cemetery this past week! 

I was surprised at my emotion even one year later. I'm yet to go visit the cemetery without getting choked up and shedding a few tears. I was not able to say much. In the days leading up to the big anniversary, I read many of my old blog entries and watched some of the video slide shows that I made . . just to remember . . and the emotion is definitely still there. Yes, the emotion is short lived and life goes on as normal, but I'm just reminded how much I miss her!  So much!! I often wonder what she is doing and how aware she is about what we are doing and how we are feeling down here. I often find myself saying or thinking, "I wonder what Mom would think of that," or "Mom would sure love to be here right now!"  I hope she is having a great old party up there in heaven!  I'm sure she is beyond happy and keeping busy and that makes me happy!  

I think I've mentioned this before but the passage of time is a strange thing.  Part of me can't believe it's already been a year since her death and funeral, as it seems like just a few weeks ago we were visiting her at the care center and preparing for her funeral. But then the other part of me feels like I haven't seen her for years and years!  It's just so interesting.  

Well I'm sure that this next part of my blog may be a bit of a bore to some of you who did not know my Mom personally, but I want to continue to record journal entries in this blog for future posterity. I want her grand kids and great grand kids and us kids to know the real her, and remember how she was before the disease. She will not want to be remembered for her disease and her last 14 years!  Her journals are fascinating to read and are such good reminders of what a full and busy and service-oriented life she lived! Reading her journals makes me want to do more, serve more, volunteer more, be more patient and just love more! Her days were busy, challenging, joyful, difficult, fun, and mostly happy!  It amazes me that with all that she had going on, she still managed to find time to write in her journal . . . usually while she was on a trip or vacation, which was often!  How lucky we are to have these journals! Makes me realize how I need to be better in that area! 

Paige at the cemetery!

Here are just some random journal entries that I have chosen . . . 

December 7, 1978 (I was almost 10 when our first dog Chuckie had to be put to sleep! :( )
Our dog Chuck was unable to move his back legs and was still incontinent.  Took him to the vet where I was told he had a disc problem that was putting pressure on his spinal cord.  That explains the diarrhea messes on our rug that I have had to clean up. After a traumatic afternoon and many tears, it was decided to put him to sleep.  Both Paige and Mardi were very upset and cried.  I cried all that night and had red swollen eyes.  I didn't even know I liked him that much.  I just kept feeling that maybe I should have waited several days to see what would have happened.  

October 13, 1979 (Embarrassing moment!)
Today something kind of embarrassing -- Smoke started pouring out of one of the electrical outlets in our bedroom. I thought the house was going to go up in flames so I called the Fire Dept. They sent out a truck and four men -- were very nice but it was only a faulty electrical outlet which Mike replaced . . after giving me a little razzing.  Oh well. . such is the life of a frenzied housewife. 

September 12, 1980 in St. George, Utah (Craziness with 4 kids ages 5 and under!)
It seems I never write in this journal except on trips. When I'm home I am busier than I have ever been in my life. It's hard to even describe what keeps me so busy, but it has to do with 4 kids ages 5 and under. "Wipe my bottom Mom, " "Get me some juice," "Push down my peepee, Mom," "Hand me my puzzle," "Hey, who put the gerbils in Cammy's drawer?" "Mikie sure has a lot of sand in his hair," "Look at those millions of potato bugs that Cammy has in that open container in the kitchen," "Cammy and Katie have been in my drawers again!" "It's your turn to drive my ballet carpool today," "Paige is out at Canyon Racket Club and needs a ride home," "Stephen has filled his drawers and I dubs not to clean him up," "You know the bubbles you just bought for Cammy, Katie and Mike?  Well they are washing the front porch with them!" "Cammy just broke the lamp downstairs!" . . . "Well she made me do it!"  


Amazingly my Mom survived all this craziness that this life often brings. . . she did it!  And she did it so well in my opinion!  I often sit and think about how lucky she is that she can now rest from her earthly craziness and has moved on to heavenly craziness.  I'm sure she's as busy as can be up there!  

How I would love to be able to take a small peek at what she is up to!