Dear Mom,
Although I usually like to bike or walk (exercise) with friends or with you, occasionally I go by myself, and I find that it's usually pretty therapeutic! Last Friday I went on a walk all by my lonesome self, on a trail by my house in Draper, and spent the entire time reminiscing about my life with you! Do you realize that you have been a part of my entire, 46 year old life? I have not known life without you and feel so lucky to have had YOU as my Mom! Memories were just flooding into my mind and I didn't want to forget any of them, so I kept track of them on my phone. Yes, I typed in a long list of my thoughts on a "notes" app on my phone as I walked along the Draper path near the point of the mountain. Tears flowed easily and luckily I had my sunglasses on and not too many people were on the trail that day! It was a great therapy session for me!
There are so many memories I would want to share with you and so many things I would like to thank you for and talk to you about! Problem is, I know that you will not comprehend or remember most of the things I would want to share with you. So I got the idea that I would write you a letter to express my feelings, although I am fully aware that you will not be able to understand any of it until a later time. My hope is that these letters will somehow make it to heaven when the time comes, when your mind is clear and healthy again. Mostly I just want you to always know and remember a few things: how much you mean to so many of us, that your positive influence will always be cherished and remembered and that you and your goodness will live on in us forever. You lived a great life and we will never forget!
I think this letter might have to be a two or three part letter because there is too much for me to include in just this one letter. I may have to have a continuation next week!
Last Thursday I arrived at your house around 1:30 for our usual weekly outing. Dad told me that you would be home around that time from your regular luncheon with the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. Although it was our weekly outing that we have done so many times before, it felt different and a little unsettling. There has been talk in the last few weeks about you going to live at one of those memory care homes and that has made me feel uneasy. Our outings and field trips together lately have not been the same. Communicating with you and taking walks and hikes has been a little difficult lately, as you often don't like to leave your "Big Boy" or you seem to get agitated quite easily and seem extra confused.
When I arrived, you and Mafi had not arrived back home quite yet and so I took the time to do my hair since I hadn't done anything with it yet that day. I finished my hair and went into Dad's den where Dad was working on his correlation stuff on the computer. Surprise surprise, right . . . Dad on his computer? haha :) What would Dad do without that computer of his? I plopped myself down on the chair across the room from him, and almost immediately he said to me, "I've got something really important I want to talk to you about."
Oh dread! That's not really what I wanted to hear at that moment. He hesitated for probably only about 30 seconds as he gathered his thoughts, but it seemed like about 5 minutes at the time. My mind was going a hundred miles an hour trying to guess what it was exactly that he was about to tell me. Let's be real . . . I knew what was coming! The news I have been dreading for a long time was finally delivered, as he told me that your name had come up on a waiting list at this home and that he felt that it was the right time to move you in. It's one of those Memory Care homes where their expertise is in working with people with memory problems and diseases like yours, Alzheimer's. I held it together for a few minutes and was able to ask a few questions, but you know me! Then I just lost it. Of course I did! When it comes to you and my family, you know that I'm a total crybaby and do not control my emotions well at times.
Why am I dreading this whole idea so much? Why am I having a harder time now than I have in months . . . maybe even years? I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that upsets me so much about this whole memory care home idea!? I've concluded that it must be because I care about you so so much and know that no person in this new home will love you and care for you as we do, and therefore might not be as patient and loving as I would want! I also fear that you will feel abandoned and sad and that just breaks my heart! And then the thought of you leaving the home that you have lived in for the last almost 40 years just makes me sad.
Please understand that extensive research has been done to find a home that will be best for you! This place has been highly recommended and supposedly has very friendly and competent staff and numerous activities for you to do and we are all feeling pretty good about it. But of course we have very mixed feelings about the whole thing as well! I'm trying to decide if you would be supporting this whole idea and encouraging us to go through with it, or would you be begging for us to keep you at home? I have a little feeling that you would be supportive . . . and I sure hope that I am right! I am so sorry that it has come to this and really hoped and prayed that it wouldn't, but such is life and we are going to deal with it in the best way we know how. Dad's hope was that he could keep you at home until the end, but it's just proven too hard for everybody, including you. I know you well enough to think that you would be in total agreement with our decisions. Please understand that we only want the very best for you and will make sure that you are taken care of in the best way possible! You deserve the very best!
Going back to last Thursday, you and Mafi came home shortly after Dad and I spoke in the den, and you were unusually happy and talkative. I was so glad to see that you were happy and seemingly unagitated. I haven't seen you quite that talkative and enthusiastic for a long time, but sadly, much of what you talked about made no sense. I repainted your nails the usual light pink color that I've been painting both of our nails lately and then we went on a walk. I decided to jump on the chance to go on a walk with you because you seemed willing and excited about the idea, and that has been rare lately. And, it was a beautiful day! The leaves are starting to change colors and I love this time of year, as I know you do too! As much as I didn't want to think about it, I knew it would be the last or one of our last walks in your neighborhood. Our walk probably lasted a little less than an hour, with most of it spent listening to you happily talk about a variety of topics, and me walking alongside of you with tears uncontrollably flowing down my face. I'm so glad that you were unaware that I was feeling so emotional since I didn't want to have to explain myself. I guess it's just because I love you so darn much and realize that things are just never going to be quite the same . . . at least not during our remaining time on earth together. (This photo here is from that walk, but for some reason it won't let me leave a caption underneath it.)
I so look forward to life in the hereafter with you! Don't you ever forget our agreement about dancing and singing in heaven together! I can't wait for that, and know that there will be others who will want to join us too. And I hope that heaven has long and beautiful roller blade, biking and hiking trails that we can enjoy together! Remember that time that we rollerbladed all around Sanibel Island in Florida? That was too fun! And what about eating in heaven? I think about your delicious sweet rolls and orange rolls that you would make and would teach me to make, and your homemade glazed donuts and raspberry jam! I sure hope that cooking and eating is part of heaven too!
You might be wondering if you made a difference in anyone's life because I know that you might not think so. Well it was apparent from the way you lived your life that that is what you strived to do on a regular basis. Don't ever forget that you had an amazing and positive influence on so many people! Your influence as a Mom, a friend, a nursing careers teacher, cousin, sister, tennis partner, young women's leader, Grandma, etc. has been amazing and we will never forget!
Our days here together are not over, I realize. I'm almost talking as if you have died already and of course you haven't. I promise to visit you often at your new home and pray that it is a peaceful and joyful place for you. I will come and tickle your arms and paint your nails and massage your scalp and take walks and eat lunch with you.
I have so many more memories that I want to share with you, but I will have to wait until next week. This letter is getting too long. Love you so much! I hope and pray that this transition to your new home goes as smoothly as possible this Friday. Until next week!
xoxox
Mardi
