Good GRIEF!

December 17, 2015

My ray of sunshine in this rough storm!

I was talking to my Dad on my cell phone on my way home from visiting Mom last Friday. It's not a surprise to me, or probably to you either, that I had a hard time controlling my emotions as I answered his questions and told him about our visit. My emotions are just so close to the surface right now and there's nothing I can do about it! 

At the end of our conversation, he said something to me about grieving that I have thought a lot about. He said, "You are grieving . . and maybe since you are getting it all out now, possibly you will be all done by the time she passes." I know myself too well and know that will most likely not be the case. I'm sure there will be many more tears to come even when she finally does pass away, but I do know it will get easier with time.   

Coincidentally, or maybe not a coincidence at all, I came across a few posts on Facebook this last week about the topic of GRIEF that ring so true to me.  One is a quote I found that says, 

I feel this is true. We will grieve forever over the loss of our loved ones, but we can move on with our lives and the pain lessens with time. That is a good thing and I look forward to the pain waning. 

The thing about our situation is that we have a double whammy of hardness . . . we feel we have already lost our Mom, wife, and friend, but then she is still here living in a state she would not want to be living in with no quality of life, and we get to all sit back and watch and wonder how long this will go on! :(

I also came across this passage about Grief on Facebook: 
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.  Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. it can be just about anything . . . and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall, or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to come tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks"     - By GSnow 

Temple Square with my boys a few days ago!

 So so true!  I can go a few days about my busy life with no problem, but then it's just a thought, a memory, an old friend of mine, or my Mom's, that sends me an email message or note in the mail . . . and then I'm just a mess all over again!  I look forward to the future when the waves get smaller and smaller!  

Last Friday when I went to see Mom, my older sister Paige and I had planned to be there at the same time. Mom was sitting up in her room and was much more alert than she had been the week before. She was talking but still not making much sense at all. We pretended to understand what she was talking about and then Paige had to leave to go somewhere after a few minutes. I thought about leaving with her at the same time because I didn't know what I would do with her alone, but I decided to stay. I ended up being there almost an additional 90 minutes. As she started to talk, it didn't appear that she was talking to me. As I sat on the left of her on the couch, she proceeded to talk off to her right side. She continued to talk and so I decided to move over there in the direction where she was talking. I knelt down next to her and tried to make sense of her words. I tried so hard. While listening to Christmas music, through tears (of course) I began to recall memories from our past, from her past . . . anything that came to mind I talked about...

"Remember when you would run to Grandma Storr's house after Kindergarten and fall asleep on her couch everyday?" 

"Do you remember singing hymns in church and singing the alto part? Did you know that you are the one that taught me to harmonize and sing alto?" I often think of my Mom now as I sing the hymns in church and remember the days that I would sit next to her and sing along with her, learning how to sing the alto part.  

I put chapstick on her lips a few times . . . oh how she loves her chapstick . . and so do I! She rubbed her lips together as she always has.  

"Do you remember tap dancing with your friends?  With Anne and Dixie and everybody? . . . and do you remember how you would paint with Dixie? You painted so many great pictures! You were such a good artist!"

I honestly felt like the water had been turned on in my eyes and I could not get it to stop flowing. For about 90 minutes I think the water flowed steadily down my face! 

Interestingly, for the last half a year or so, my Mom has appeared to be unaware of my emotions. I have been able to shed some tears right in front of her and she hasn't seemed to notice. But on Friday, she got emotional as I sat with her and brought up these memories. I don't know exactly what it was that initially made her emotional but she was and she reached out and held my hand for much of the time. 

"You have been such a great Mom and will leave such a great legacy! . . . Thanks for being such a good example and Mom to me and all of us!"

"Do you remember all the trips that you and Dad took . . . you and your Mikie boy?  You two have been all over the world together!" This is one of two times that day when I could understand what she was saying to me. When I brought up her 'Mikie boy' (my Dad), she asked where he was and when he was coming. I told her that he would be coming the next day. 

The other thing she said that I understood was that she kept saying "very well!" When I asked her if she remembered her grandparents and her Mikie boy, she said with emotion, "very well!" I think she was understanding much of what I was saying to her. 

Do you remember making raspberry jam and sweetrolls and orange rolls and donuts? You were always such a great cook and hostess!"  

"Don't forget our agreement about dancing and singing together in heaven one day." I hope she doesn't get too much practice up there without me! :)

As excruciatingly painful as these experiences are with her, I would not trade them for anything! I will remember them forever! 

I am headed out to her place again today to visit with her. I never know what I am going to get when I get there but I go nonetheless. I don't like that I get so emotional and wish I could keep my emotions more in control, but it is what it is! NO REGRETS is my motto! 

My Dad took a scale out to weigh my Mom again a few days ago to see if she is still losing weight.  She is.  Her weight is now down to 95 pounds!  She is looking like a woman living in a concentration camp! They've got her on a liquid diet since she won't eat much food but apparently she is not drinking much! (I did get her to eat part of a Christmas peppermint stick!) My fear is that she will just continue to lose weight but her body will not give in.  I don't want to be visiting an 80 pound mother!

Just as her beautiful friend Linda expressed to me in a recent message, "We send our love and prayers for her release to a much more beautiful place!" Won't that be a glorious and bittersweet day . . . when she can return to that more beautiful place! I pray it comes soon . . . . but not too soon! 

Thanks to many of you for your messages of love and support to me! I have received a handful of messages this past week from Mom's book club friends, dinner group friends and even an old neighbor of mine that was one of my Mom's Young Women. All the messages make me cry but that's ok! I appreciate them so much!  

And lastly, I know that I am not the only one out there grieving over someone! Most of us have lost important people in our lives and it's just a part of our lives here on earth! Whether your waves are 100 feet high or 40 feet high, I wish you much peace and love this holiday season!  We can do this! 

Merry Christmas!! 

"I love you too!"

December 10, 2015

When I first suspected my Mom had Alzheimer's disease years ago, like back in  2001-2002, one of the things that upset me most was imagining her final days when she would no longer recognize us and would have to be fed and not able to wipe her own bottom. I would cry just thinking about that and wondered how I would ever survive my Mom having this disease . . . and especially when the disease got to this point! I thought for sure I would be a blubbering mess all the time when that time came. Well sadly, the time has come, and surprising to me, I AM surviving somehow and am only a blubbering mess for a small percentage of the time. I am able to carry on as normal and stay strong for most of the time. 

Niece Grace's baby blessing last week in Orem!

When I can keep myself busy and my mind on other things, I do fine, but when I really get thinking about what's really happening and imagine my Mom sitting in her room all alone, it makes me super sad! Since my Mom went into the assisted living home a few months ago, I shed tears most everyday, mostly by myself, and occasionally when a friend asks about her. Tears lie so close to the surface! I know it's good for me to talk about my feelings and get it all out in the open but I don't like it when I fall apart. The writing of this blog has been great therapy for me. Not only am I able to keep track of all my feelings and happenings, but it has been a safe and great place for me to cry and get it all out! Thanks for letting me spill my guts!

I wanted to take this chance to thank all of you friends and family members who have supported me through this for the past 10+ years . . and for mourning with me and my family, and comforting us when we've been in need! This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with so far in my life, and I know it's been very tough for most of my family, but somehow I think we WILL make it through. 

Great Grandpa (my Dad) and Claire last weekend!

There are a few reasons why I think I'm surviving all this . . . #1 The love and support from you family and friends has been amazing! #2 I have had my sorrows balanced out with the joy of a new little grandbabe in our family and being a new grandma and that has helped a lot, and #3 Of course I would not make it through all this without my knowledge of the plan of happiness and knowing that we can all be with our loved ones forever! Especially at this time of year, I am grateful for Jesus Christ whose birth we celebrate and who has made this all possible!
 
In the Christmas devotional last Sunday night, Sister Burton said, "There is joy in knowing the plan of happiness and in our knowledge that we will see our loved ones again . . . there is peace and joy and hope that comes from this knowledge." (paraphrased) As we celebrate this Christmas season and the birth of Jesus, I could not be more thankful for Him. That's what keeps me going in this crazy and challenging world we live in! I know that I will see my Mom again when her mind is healthy . . . and I can't wait for that day! 
  
With my Mom, I feel that the end is near. Whether this feeling means that 'near' is in a few weeks or in six months, I'm not sure, but we just feel it is getting close. I don't know quite how to feel about this since my feelings and emotions could not be more all over the place! Part of me wants so badly for my Mom to pass on as soon as possible to escape this deteriorating mind of hers and so that she can join her parents and other loved ones on the other side. But then the other part of me does not want my Mom to go anywhere! I want to let her go but want to hang on to her at the same time! Ughh!

Son Tanner with parents a few years ago!

 Mom's weight is dropping fast as she is not eating well at all. Dad has taken a scale out a few times in the last week or so to see just how much weight she has lost. She was down to 102 pounds last week, which is a 20% drop from her normal body weight, and then a few days ago she was 99 pounds. 99 pounds!  That is tiny! The staff said they would puree her food and try to get her to eat her food in soft and liquid form but I don't know how successful they have been! I think she refuses her food most of the time. 


It took me a little while to get up the courage to go and see my Mom last weekend, knowing she is losing weight fast and that she is declining so quickly! It's not that I don't want to see her because of course I do and know she would want me there, but honestly I'm just afraid of what I'll see and that I'll just just sit and cry. Last Friday I decided to go at the same time as my Dad to make it a little easier. Even then, that visit was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life! 

 
When I arrived, my Dad had arrived a few minutes earlier. As it was 12:30 in the afternoon, I fully expected to see my Mom sitting at the table eating her lunch with the other residents. She wasn't eating at all but was laying on the couch in the common area next to the kitchen where they eat. She was out. Her eyes were closed as if she were asleep but I quickly found out she was really awake with her eyes closed, very out of it and mostly unresponsive. The way I knew she was awake was because she was scratching her nose and eye every few minutes, scraping the dead skin off her chapped lips, and making little mumbled noises as I talked to her.


I really wanted to stay strong and keep my emotions under control that day . . . but didn't do a very good job at all! As my Dad went down the hall to talk to some hospice people, who are starting this week to come on a regular basis, I sat for about an hour next to my Mom and cried and struggled to talk to her. I promised her long ago that I would be there for her in the end and would rub her scalp and back like she has always loved. She wasn't too responsive to the head rub and back scratch, but I did it anyway and hope she felt it and somehow knew it was me.  


As I rubbed her bony back, I talked in her ear for a while before she said anything, and even before I was sure if she was hearing me. The first thing she said back to me was, "I love you too," after I told her I loved her. "All of us love you, and don't forget it!" I said to her. I really felt as if I was talking to her on her death bed. There was something very peaceful about it though, it's hard to explain. I was so grateful to be there having that experience with her, yet it was one of the harder things I've done.  

Mom and Dad with my two brothers!

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" I asked her.  
 "I'm fine," she said. The only way I could hear her soft voice was by putting my ear right up to her mouth as she laid on the couch with her eyes shut. 


 "Are you comfortable?" 
"Nope." I'm not totally sure this is what she really said, but I'm pretty sure that's what I heard.  

 
"It's ok if you want to go home, Mom," I told her. "We will miss you terribly but you can go!" I didn't hear what her response was to this but she mumbled something.

 
"Do you want to sit up?" I asked her when my Dad got back. She did want to sit up and we helped her do so . . . and then we took her on a little walk down the long hall to get drinks. She walks very slow and needed help from both of us on either side. Her pants were falling down and so my Dad had to run back to her room to grab her a belt. We cinched up her pants and continued on our way. She doesn't seem to have much energy at all, bends over quite a bit, she kept her eyes closed and did not speak much at all. We got her a drink of her usual favorite, real Coca Cola, and she did not seem to like it this time. I think the fizz is now too much for her. 


We left my Mom sitting on the same couch that we found her on when we arrived, but this time she was sitting up. It was heartbreaking to walk out of there and to leave her there sitting alone dazed and confused! Who is going to pay attention to her? Who is going to show her love? Is she happy? Is she comfortable? Is she scared? What is going through that mind of hers? What does she think is happening to her? Those are all the things that I wondered and expressed to my Dad as we left!


I find myself thinking about my Mom many times a day!  I am reminded of her often as I go about my day to different places and as I do certain things. 

A few years ago at the cabin with Mom's extended family!

I thought of my Mom at See's Candy Store the other day as I was buying some Christmas gifts there. My Mom used to buy us those butterscotch suckers and so I had to buy them and eat one in her honor. As I also saw the peanut brittle there, I thought of my Mom and the delicious peanut brittle she would make . .  and taught me to make. 


 As I go Christmas shopping, I have thought about my shopping adventures with my Mom and the Orange Julius drinks she would buy for me each time we went to the mall. And the Ann Taylor store . . and Chicos and Nordstrom . . how she would love a good shopping spree to one of those stores! I will miss those shopping adventures with her!  

I won't put chapstick on my lips without thinking of my Mom from here on out. I can picture her putting on her chapstick and have her to thank for my addiction. :)   


 I find myself imagining what my Mom would be saying and doing in certain conversations and situations if she were there.  

 
I went to a luncheon at The Salt Lake Country Club with my book club friends a few days ago and saw a group of women about my Mom's age in the room down the hall from ours. I recognized a few of the women and felt a pain of sadness for a minute as I imagined how much she would love to be there with a group of her friends, as she has done many times, all dressed up and having a good time with her friends!  


 I will miss our hikes and walks terribly . . . and talks along the way.  

There's just so many things that I will miss about that great woman!  

Four Generations Together!

November 24, 2015

"Is it easier now that your Mom is in a care facility since you know she is safe . . or was it easier having her at home with your Dad?" This is a question a friend asked me last week, which has really made me think. My immediate response to her was that it's not easier, but harder having her in this care facility. I feel that it was definitely easier when she was at home with my Dad. I've been pondering the last few days about why I feel this way. 

First off, I knew my Mom was getting the love and attention I feel she deserves and that I would want her to have while living at their home of 40 years, and with her hubby of 50 years!

It's harder to visit her at this care facility because I can't just sit back and relax as I would at their house. All there is to do with her is sit with her and try to carry on conversation that is getting more and more difficult.

We can no longer take our weekly field trips and our walks and hikes. Those days are sadly over! At first I thought it might work out for me to take my Mom on little walks around the neighborhood where the facility is located, but I'm finding it's not as easy as it sounds. My Mom's medications make her too sleepy and she would be too confused about what we were doing!

Mostly I just find myself feeling unsettled all the time. Do you know that feeling where you know that something is bothering you and making you feel unsettled, but yet you just can't put your finger on what it is exactly? Well that's how I feel pretty much all the time . . . always wondering what my Mom is doing, and if she is happy, entertained and being paid attention to? Is she just sitting around doing nothing as the rest of us go about our busy lives? What is she doing all day? I don't feel at peace knowing she is not at peace. . . or is she at peace? Maybe she's more at peace than I think she is! I don't know! All I know is that she would not want to be living this way, in this state! 

I don't like going on family lunch outings and trips without her. It's weird and sad not having her there! Like for Thanksgiving this year, we will all be gathering without her and that just makes me beyond sad!

It's really strange being at their house or at extended family events without her. It always feels like there's something/someone missing, and of course there is! She is definitely missed! I find myself wondering what she would be doing or saying if she were there!

As you probably know by now, my emotions have always lied pretty close to the surface when it comes to my family, but now I feel that it is more than ever. I used to laugh at my Mother-in-law for getting emotional over a sad commercial or news story, but now I completely understand. Tears are hard to hold back these days.  

With all that being said, and as hard and difficult as it is to have my Mom's health deteriorating and living away and under these circumstances, I know that she could not be anywhere else right now. Her condition worsens by the day and week and it would not work at this time to have it any other way. I don't like it, but I have no other choice but to accept it.

First time great Gram Merrilee with Claire Merrilee

From what I've heard, Mom is not eating much these days and has to be fed much of what she eats. The caregivers at her home say that she is probably only eating about 10% of her meals and we can tell that she is losing weight. Dad is going to take a scale out there sometime and find out just how much weight she has lost. She is looking "skinny minny" . . and she did not have any weight to lose in the first place! I can't figure out why she wouldn't be eating much. Has she lost her appetite? Does she not feel much hunger anymore? Is she not eating on purpose?
  

Four Generations together. . me, Mom, Sarah and Claire!

My daughter and I finally made it out to see my Mom with my new little grand baby, Claire Merrilee last week. I was 
 anxious to get out there and get some photos taken of Claire and my Mom together, and also some photos of the four of us together representing the four generations . . . Mom, me, Sarah and Claire! I'm happy about the idea of Claire and Sarah both carrying my Mom's name! (Sarah's middle name is also Merrilee.) 

My Dad was also there visiting at the same time, which was a good thing. It makes it easier to have someone else there to talk to and he was able to take our pictures!

Mom was eating lunch when we arrived . . actually she was not eating at all but just sitting at the table with her lunch in front of her and two ladies and a caregiver sitting at the same table across from her. The lady right across from her was being pretty entertaining as she often choked on her bites of food. They were eating a turkey dinner that looked pretty good, but Mom was not eating. I tried to feed her a few bites but she did not seem interested . . . not even in the chocolate pudding for dessert? That is not like her at all . . . Mom loves her sweets! It was almost as if she didn't quite understand what was happening. She drank a little apple juice, but that's all I saw her put into her mouth! 

Mom was her usual happy and friendly self but appeared so sleepy and confused. She did not make eye contact with me, was not making much sense, and could hardly keep her eyes open. We walked down to her room where we were able to take some photos. In every photo taken, her eyes appeared closed. We don't know if the meds are making her like this (sleepy and eyes barely open) or if it just the disease progressing? My Dad suspects it might be a little of both! Regardless, I feel she is going downhill. Her confusion is extreme and her brief moments of clarity might be possibly gone now. 

I'm glad we got to visit with her and to get our photos. I have a feeling those photos, though not the greatest quality, will be treasures down the road!

The day before our 4 generation photo session with my Mom, I met my Dad, my Dad's sister Pat, sister Paige, daughter Sarah and grand baby Claire at lunch. The first few minutes were spent reminiscing about my Mom and what she used to be like. Aunt Pat recalled the kindness my Mom showed to her way back in Jr High, even before my Mom and Dad were dating. My Mom was a year older than Pat and Pat was emotional as she told us about the positive impact my Mom had on her way back then. Of course my tears flowed easily too as they often do these days. Pat said she was thrilled when my Mom and Dad started dating, and especially when they got engaged! Pat could not have been happier to get her as a sister-in-law! 

My Dad then started to tell us about an experience he had a few nights previous where he woke up in the middle of the night and how there was a period of time when it was somehow revealed to him as clear as day the way my Mom used to be. My Dad has told me a few times in the last few years how his good memories of my Mom have been fading fast and he has had a hard time remembering the good old days . . . and there were A LOT of those good times to be remembered! My Dad doesn't cry easily, but his eyes welled up with tears as he half cried and half laughed and told us he would have to tell us about his experience at a later time. His emotions were getting the best of him, which I understand all too well! I text him later that night and asked him to finish his story. He text me back . . . "I think I had your mother's inner self revealed to me. I recalled clearly what she was like prior to our mission in England. She was the ultimate in sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and selflessness. Along with the background of her lifelong dread of getting her father's same disease, I realized that this experience has been an unimaginable nightmare. The part I didn't mention was that here I was at 3 o'clock in the morning crying like a baby. What an experience!" 

I can only imagine what an emotional experience that was for him . . and what an incredibly hard thing this has been for my Dad to endure for more than a decade!

It's amazing what we can experience in the wee, quiet hours of the middle of the night! I'm sure that will be a memory he will carry forever!

As I have been reading through my Mom's journals lately, I have had experiences also with coming to remember the way my Mom used to be. It has brought many tears as I just miss her so darn much . . and the way things used to be! I feel as though I have gone through the stages of grief over and over and over over the last 10-14 years! Denial . . . Anger . . . Bargaining . . . Depression . . . Acceptance . . Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance . . . I thought I had reached the acceptance phase once and for all a while ago . . . but apparently it only lasted temporarily and now we're cycling through again! I would imagine that these phases will most likely continue to the end!

Some of my friends periodically ask or send me texts about how I am holding up. This blog post may make it sound like I am a walking basket case at all times, but really I am holding up just fine! Like I said, I feel unsettled much of the time, but my life with my husband, six kids,  now grand child, and friends go on as normal. I am going about my life with my normal happy self, with just my occasional quiet, teary moments. 

I will survive. No one should worry about me. I so appreciate everybody's loving support though. It helps a ton to know how many people care and how many people loved my Mom!  Thank you thank you! How great it is that we have each other to endure life's difficulties! Love to you all as you endure yours!

Mom's first great grandchild was born and will carry her name!

November 13, 2015  

My hubby and I, new grandparents!

I went to visit my Mom last week in her new home of about 6 weeks. Things are going pretty well there as far as I know.  Her medications are keeping her mostly calm, but also quite sleepy most of the time. I've heard that she has her stubborn moments where she won't take a pill or put on a certain shirt or something like that, but other than that, it is going as well as it could under the circumstances I suppose.

Last week's visit

When I arrived in the mid afternoon, I found about 5 of the residents, including my Mom, sitting in their common area involved in a little sing-along. They were watching a video on a large tv screen of a guy in various nature settings singing old songs, with the words for them to sing along. My Mom was sitting sideways on the couch, not facing the tv or looking at it, but just listening. I'm pretty sure my Mom is not able to see very well, or at least she is probably unable to process what she is seeing . . . . but she can definitely hear. Most of the residents were not singing along but just watching. Mom sang along to the song "Take Me out to the Ball Game" and hummed along to some of the other songs. The movie, "Sound of Music" was then put on for them and I stayed with her for about 90 minutes. I attempted some conversation, but it's now pretty difficult. My mom does not make a lot of sense anymore, but I go along with her stories as if she does.

At one point we walked down to my Mom's room, but she didn't want to go in. I told her our good news that she was a new Great Grandma as my daughter just had our first grand child on Halloween morning! The baby's name is Claire Merrilee with the middle name after my Mom . . and I told my Mom that. My Mom's response after not seeming to understand much about our conversation that day, was "That makes me want to cry . . . I'm so proud!" As she teared up and got emotional, I of course did too! How cool is that that my first grand child . . . and she is a cutie I might add . . is going to carry on my Mom's name! I couldn't be more happy about that! Now we just need to get my daughter and Claire out to visit her so that we can get some photos of them together! I also want to get some photos of the four generations . . my Mom, me, Sarah and Claire! That's in the plan for next week! 

Claire Merrilee

I've been reading through my Mom's last journal . . which begins in May of 1994 and ends with her last journal entry in January, 2009! It's hard to believe that she started that journal, which is only one third full, over 20 years ago! It's fascinating to read all about her crazy busy and active life . . as I now imagine her wandering around her new place of residence and not doing much of anything. She had such a full life and was involved in so much!  Here are a few random excerpts . . .

May 1, 1994
It has been a busy time.  I not only work 3 hours every morning, but often play tennis in the afternoons. I have also recently drawn up a petition and circulated it in the East High area gathering names of those who also have concerns about the new trimester system at East. I have also been a parent representative on Salt Lake District applied Technology Committee. We have visited all of the high schools in our area to ascertain whether we need an Applied Technology Center in Salt Lake.  The answer is definitely "Yes"! and I wrote a letter to each member of the school board telling them so. I am also working many Saturdays taking my students to work in the LDS or VA Hospitals.

January, 1995
I was asked at East High to be the boy's tennis coach. (in addition to teaching her nursing careers classes!) At first I said "no", but then decided that someone needed to get them playing . . . so I started a tennis ladder. Lee H. also agreed to coach and so the two of us are working with the boys every day after school.  It's a lot of time but fun to work with Mike and Steve (my brothers) and many of their friends.

My beautiful Mom on one of their many adventures!

(The following journal entry is a classic poem written by my Mom . . .) 
July 10, 1995 
I just found a copy, as I cleaned out my file, of a poem I wrote years ago (the only one) . . .

Some talents seem so very great and easy to express
When I sit down to write a poem, I feel it is a mess
Some have a special gift for words that easily do flow
But all of my creative writing talent could be found in one's big toe!
It just doesn't seem quite fair sometimes, when my soul burst forth with words
Only to find my work quite trite and strictly for the birds
It is true that the best of poets may have started this way too?
Or should I find some other "hidden" talent to pursue? 

September 17, 1995
I drove out to Mardi and Matt's ward to tend their children while they spoke in their new ward.  I then helped Mike teach our young adult Sunday school class. After, we went to the Western Institute of Neuropsychiatry to speak in their sacrament meeting.

I am teaching two nursing assistant classes right now and am the girl's tennis coach at East High.  It's lot of  fun but I am overextended.

Mom and her nursing careers students . . . how she loved teaching those kids!

My Mom used to visit a couple that lived in the apartments by their house, on a regular and frequent basis. Both the man and the woman had Multiple Sclerosis and did not get around very well. The man was in a wheelchair and the woman was also in a wheelchair but in better condition than her husband, as she could walk around a little, but they both struggled to do a lot of things on their own. My Mom would go in and help them with different things around their apartment, and would pick things up for them and drive them to various appointments and functions. She also gave them a lot of support and love. The following journal entry is about an experience she had with the husband.

March 20, 1997
I had a very special experience with Jim R. several weeks ago.  I felt Heavenly Father's spirit there so strongly.  I sat down close to him and had good eye contact with him. He told me how depressed he was, and for the next 30 minutes we talked about the pains and suffering of Jesus Christ, and why suffering is necessary for all of us, and what a better life is ahead. I also told him how much I care about him and how much Heavenly Father cares about him. It was tearful and touching and a moment I don't want to forget.  I knew for a few moments just how much our Heavenly Father and Jesus love Jim -- and me! And how much we need to love each other.

Such a classy lady . . . my Mom has always been!! 

Perhaps a brief moment of clarity?

November 1, 2015

Dad and Mom with my oldest Sarah on Halloween, 1994

I went two and a half weeks without seeing my Mom while she was in that medical facility getting her medications regulated. It was tough not to see her . . and it was especially hard on her and my Dad too as they faced many difficult challenges during that time! My Mom was finally able to return back to her residence at the Memory Care facility a couple Tuesdays ago and I was able to go see her that next day on the Wednesday. I was amazed at how comfortable I was to go back there, even though that was the place that had brought me immediate dread and tears before. I guess I was just so happy that she was able to get out of that other place and I had so been hoping she could get back there asap. Our hope now is that she can stay at this place and that she won't become too difficult for the CNA's and staff there to handle.

You have to understand how unusual this is for my Mom to have aggressive and agitated moments. Her normal self has always been so mellow and calm. Yes, of course she raised her voice at times and got mad as any normal mother can, but she was normally so docile and kind and just the opposite of aggressive. As I have mentioned before, my Mom's aggressive behavior with this disease has not shown itself to me . . . but only once when she got mad at one of my younger sisters for something a few months ago. Other than that, I have only seen her usual calm and mellow self! So far her medications are keeping her calm, but perhaps too calm and sleepy. With the help of my Mom's doctor, my Dad is still making adjustments to the meds and trying to get it just right. We are looking for a happy medium between keeping her calm but not too sleepy.  

I said, "Smile Mom!" (A selfie, 1.5 weeks ago)

Isn't it ironic that my Mom used to teach a nursing careers class and train kids to be CNA's . . . and now she is on the other side of it all and being taken care of by them? She was a teacher who the kids adored and wanted to emulate by following in her shoes and being a nurse, or working in the medical profession. How the tables turn in life! I would love to know how many of her students pursued careers in nursing, or being a CNA or in the medical field? 

When I arrived last Wednesday to visit my Mom, I found her wrapped up in a familiar colorful afghan blanket as she was in the hall trying to get into a room a few doors down from hers. I'm not sure if she thought that was her room or what she was doing? It makes me wonder how much of her days are spent just wandering around on her own doing pretty much nothing? That makes me sad to think about . . . but she seemed happy at that moment and was in a much better state than I was expecting. She still seemed confused and didn't make a lot of sense when she talked, but somehow I think she knew me. At least I know that she was familiar and comfortable with me. My Dad arrived to visit her just a few minutes after me and so we all had a good visit together.

My Mom, in her still loving manner, has hugs for everyone! It doesn't matter who the people are -- a staff member, another resident or even the janitor, she has hugs for them! It's really quite cute to watch, but also a little awkward at times.  

One thing that frustrates me a bit is the fact that many of the activities this "Memory Care" facility provides do not meet my Mom's ability level, like playing the game of BINGO, and so I have the feeling she stays back at her room during a lot of them.  I'm not sure that she even realizes she is missing out on anything, but I just want her to have things to do during the day! I hope that the holiday season brings many musical groups into the facility! I think she would really enjoy listening to choirs sing and various musical performances! It makes me want to put a little plug in to all of you people who are musical and could provide great happiness for these people! Go volunteer at your local old folks community facility if you can! You'll bring happiness to many older and sick people, as well as to their grateful families! 

Towards the end of our visit, I couldn't help but think for a few minutes that possibly my Mom could have had some very brief moments of clarity? Could it be? As we sat and talked about the yard work that my Dad has been doing at their house, and about how their neighbor had come out to help pick up the thousands of pods in my parent's yard, my Mom said, "I can just picture Caroline (their sweetest next door neighbor) picking up the pods in the front yard . . . I will pick them up!" My Mom used to take on that job as hers and it kept her busy for hours . . and now she wants her job back!

And then as we were leaving, and as she put a huge hug on my Dad, she said, "I'm missing you . . . Where are you going? . . . Won't you let me come with you?" As we went to leave her sitting at the table to wait for her dinner to be served, and as my Dad departed for the door, she called my Dad by name . . . "Hey Mike. . . " and she repeated his name a few times. It felt like to me that for just a few brief moments she had some clarity and was realizing what was happening . . . and she couldn't believe that we were actually leaving her there!

I held it together so well up to that point. The thought of her thinking that we are abandoning her just about kills me and I lost it in the parking lot. At least I made it to the parking lot this time . . . I am making improvements! :) At this point in the disease as she is declining quite rapidly, as horrible as it may sound, I almost don't want to see improvement and moments of clarity. It's easier for me to hear that her condition is worsening and that she has no simple idea where she is or what is happening to her.  

I hope that doesn't sound like I am a an awful person that wants my Mom to deteriorate and die. You know, and she knows just how much I adore her, and I wish with all my heart that this wasn't happening to her.  As my aunt said on the phone a few days ago, "it's just so sad that this is happening to such a great person!" We just want my Mom to be comfortable and at peace, and maybe in order for her to have that, she needs to move on to the next realm. I am excited for the day that she can escape this failing mind of hers and go and be with her parents and loved ones who have moved on before. Is that so bad to wish for? Hopefully I don't sound like a thoughtless person!  

My Dad invited my family out to eat enchiladas with him the other night since he had a big pan full that he had made . . . yes, he has turned into quite the cook and even won first place at a chili contest at a ward party a little while ago!  Only a few of us could go . . . me, my married daughter Sarah and her hubby . . and my older sister Paige came too. It was good food and a fun time . . . but the absence of my Mom at their house is so strange! It's just so different to be there knowing that she's not just in the other room and about to round the corner. She is most likely never going back to that house and I kind of hate that idea. It puts a pit in my stomach to think about and it will take some time to get used to. As far as I know, my Dad wants to stay in that house that he has owned since I was 7 years old, which is understandable to a point, but it makes me wonder if it might be good one day for him to move out into a brand new smaller place that has no yard work and less to clean? Who knows what's best . . . but I guess it's really not my life or my business. My Dad will do what he feels is best for him!

Claire Merrilee, our first grandchild, born yesterday!

This past week has been an interesting one. I have experienced the very high highs of life and the very low lows of life. Life has a way of balancing out the sorrows with the joys and I often look at life being very much like a roller coaster of constant ups and downs. I guess that's how life is intended to be! I attended the funeral of a friend and acquaintance this past Friday afternoon, a gal about my age who died tragically, suddenly and unexpectedly one week ago today, leaving a husband and 3 children. There I sat at this funeral with tears flowing down my face because of the sorrow I feel for her young family who will miss her so much, while at the same time getting text messages from my only daughter Sarah who was in the hospital getting ready to have her baby . . and my first grandchild! I was, in essence, saying goodbye to one beautiful soul and welcoming another heavenly soul in one day! Such is the way life goes sometimes -- joys and sorrows, joys and sorrows! 

I am grateful for the knowledge I have that even though we will face much sorrow in this life, we will find great joys along the way . . . . and even better, there is a greater, ultimate joy that we can all find in the end . . . the chance to live with all our loved ones again with their healthy minds and bodies, and with our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father!  What could be better than that? 

That knowledge keeps me going! 

Another Letter to Mom!

Dear Mom, 

Today is October 18th. I started a letter to you a few weeks ago and didn't quite get to finish . . . there are just so many memories and things I still want to tell you, and that's why this letter is turning out to be a two or three part letter.

Mom and sister Deanne, Sept. 2015

Right now I must tell you that you are still at a geriatric medical facility where the doctors are still trying to help you find the best meds that will help you cope with your agitation that you sometimes feel. You're also not sleeping well lately and so they are trying to help you with that too. It is taking a lot longer than we expected and I can only imagine the confusion and frustration that you must feel. I'm so sorry! I just really hate that your disease has brought you to this point! Alzheimers is just a mean disease and we're keeping our fingers crossed that you can go back soon to your other place that I think will be more comfortable for you! It's also a place that I think I will be more comfortable visiting. 

You've been at this medical facility for over two weeks now and although I've visited you there once on Conference Sunday, Dad says I should probably wait until you go back to the other place to start visiting regularly again. I think he's worried that I'll just sit and cry . . . he knows me too well, and of course you know that I love you so darn much that I sometimes have a rough time keeping my emotions under control. This place is just not quite as "homie" as the other place! The doctors were saying that you could possibly move back this past Friday, but now they are saying this Tuesday . . maybe! I am hopeful and my fingers are crossed! I want to come visit you soon! It's been too long and I have missed our outings and walks! 

Mom with my 3 youngest boys . . a few years ago!

I think about you every day, and about this big transition of you being moved from your house of 39 years and into these new living arrangements. As much as I was hoping you would never have to enter one of these homes, and Dad too was so wanting to keep you at home to the end, it is just not meant to be. The decision to send you to a home was no doubt one of the hardest decisions Dad has ever had to make, but I feel strongly that it was a good decision under the circumstances, and I think you would definitely agree. I so hope that we still have opportunities to go on more walks together and to spend more time together in the near future! Your confusion is getting worse and so I'm a little doubtful, but still hopeful!

Dad visits you every single day. He spends an hour or two with you . . helping you shower and dress and do your hair as he has done for the last few years. Dad seems to be doing pretty well, and your neighbors, ward members and friends are inviting him to dinner and to various places. I'm so happy about that because I don't want him to be lonely without you! Although Dad continues to appear strong through all of this, I can tell it is hard on him because he hates seeing you live like this, but yet doesn't see that there are any other options at this point! We are just doing what we feel is best for you!  

Mom and good friend, Karen in the summer of 2013

Since this disease has taken away so many of your memories and abilities, I know that you are probably wondering if any of us will remember the real you . . you from 10+ years ago! Rest assured that we will for sure!  I mentioned that in the last letter, but I just want to make sure that you know that our memories of you will last forever! So many memories have been passing through my mind lately, and every time one comes to mind, I have to hurry and type it on to my notes app on my phone so I don't forget. I've thought of so many of the good times, but I've also thought of some harder times that have come to mind. I have learned so much from you and feel that because of your example, and Dad's, I am who I am, and I thank you for that. I will now make sure that the good memories and stories will be carried on to future generations. You will live on in our stories and minds and will never be forgotten, I promise!

We might be losing you and your mind for a time, but we know that there is more after this life and we all so look forward to picking up where we left off when we all enter the next phase!  

Extended family dinner at Olive Garden, 2012?

Here are some of the memories and lessons that have come to mind lately . . . 

Do you remember every February sending us all Valentine cards in the mail? I'm guessing it was until about 4 or 5 years ago that you sent one to each one of us, including all of the grand kids. Did you know that you now have 20 grand kids, with number 20 just arriving last Friday! With one more on the way in a couple months! And you have your very first grandchild expected to be born sometime this week or next! Yes, that means I will be a granny for the first time too and I can't wait! There's even talk that this new great grandchild (from Sarah and Brady) may carry your name as their middle name? That would be pretty cool, right? This baby will be able to carry on the name of one of our most favorite people ever! I'm so grateful that I kept a large handful of those Valentine cards so that I can look back on them and see your great cursive handwriting and read your beautiful love notes to us. I can still picture how you positioned your hand as you would sign your name or write your usual cursive . . . rarely did I ever see you write in print. You have always had an amazing heart and I loved getting those cards from you!

I loved how you discovered your ability to paint about 10 or so years ago. We now possess a handful of your paintings and they will forever be treasures to us!  We have one of your paintings in our main floor bathroom and one of the temple in our bedroom. One day I would love to own the big one in your house that has all the beautiful, colorful flowers.  

Mom meeting Britton for the first time in 2000 in London!

When Matt and I first got married, I had a lot to learn about cooking, even though you taught me how to make a handful of things as I was growing up . . like scrambled eggs, your orange rolls, raspberry jam, donuts etc. Thanks for your patience when I would call you often for advice! I really wish I had half of your knowledge when it comes to cooking and entertaining people! You probably would argue with me about this, but you really were a great cook. Thanks for all your great meals and for making me eat my veggies! I miss being able to call you with my cooking questions, but it has forced me to figure things out myself, which is good I suppose. 

I'll never forget being woken up early by you on school mornings for scripture study. All of us kids would lay on your bed to listen to you read a page or a chapter. I must admit that I sometimes dozed off to sleep during those sessions, but I tried my best to listen and to learn. I so admire your dedication to do regular scripture study with us, to have family and personal prayers and to have family home evening on a regular basis. I can picture you and Dad kneeling by your bed saying your private prayers. I have fond memories of you assigning me to be in charge of the lessons for family night. That was such great practice for me in helping me to prepare for my future callings in the church!

Mom, Dad and my daughter Sarah, 2012
(She's the one having the grandbaby this week!)

I'm sure you'll remember me borrowing your clothes on a constant basis! I honestly don't remember a time that I asked if I could wear something of yours, that you told me NO. And now that I'm a Mom and love my clothes to be available and clean when I want to wear them, I am more grateful for you and your patience and trust in me. I don't feel that I would be quite that patient! I always thought your taste in clothes was so classy and sharp and I always felt lucky and grateful that we were the same size!

I remember people telling me what great legs you had/have! :) You were always so fit and tan and set a great example of taking good care of our bodies! 

California beach in about 1999?

I remember so well waiting on the grassy hill after elementary school and being picked up by you at the back of the school. Thanks for all the rides to piano and violin lessons, ballet classes, art classes, tennis classes and matches, to the movies, and for always being so supportive at recitals and performances. With the six of us kids, I now look back in amazement that you could keep up with all of us and our crazy schedules! You were amazing! 

It's no surprise to me that there were some days that you had "just had it!" Only a few times do I remember you leaving the house in frustration while just needing a break! You later told me that there were a few times that you drove down to Provo and went to see a movie by yourself for a few hours . . . but then you came right back and were back at it! You put up with a lot of stress with all of us kids but it's impressive how you were able to keep your cool 95% of the time! Way to go! You did it!  That's got to feel good that those crazy, stressful mothering days are over now for you. You should be happy and rest easy that you did such a great job! I think I can speak for all of us kids when I say that we could not have asked for a better Mom . . . really!   

Thanksgiving walk in St. George, 2013

I remember watching you performing tap dancing numbers with your friends at various church and school events, and you being willing to dress up to be the Care Bear at our elementary school where you wore that big, warm costume, and never complained about it. What a trooper! I'm pretty sure that I would have turned that job down . . . but not you! 

I remember you going to the juvenile detention center with Dad and teaching the kids there . . . and loving it! You always had a way with the youth and knew just how to make people feel good about themselves. I've had a handful of your past nursing career students from Highland and East High tell me how great of a teacher they thought you were. It's no surprise that they loved you, and I know that you LOVED them too!  

Well again, I could go on and on about memories with you and stories of people whose lives have been positively impacted by you, but I will stop here for now.  More to come.  

Thanks for being the best Mom ever!    

Love, 
Mardi 

PS.  I just talked to Dad on the phone a little earlier today and he said that you are for sure moving back to your original Memory Care facility tomorrow (Tuesday)! I'm so happy for you that the doctors were able to help you with your sleep and agitation problems, and I pray that it goes well and that you will be able to stay there!  xox  I'll visit soon!