The trials we face in this life are just so interesting! They are so varied from person to person and family to family! Some are outwardly obvious, and others, and probably most, are not obvious at all. Some trials are brought on by ourselves and others just happen. Trials can come in so many forms: losing a child, anxiety and depression, having a wayward child, not being able to conceive a child, cancer, Parkinson's disease, financial stress, not being able to hold down a job, divorce, dealing with sickness in a child or loved one, being abused in some form, becoming paralyzed, Alzheimer's disease, addictions and so on!
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| In the late 70's or early 80's! Isn't she a beauty?! |
Do you think we were able to choose what trials we would have in the pre-life, or are they just random? I often find myself wondering if I chose my trials or if this is all by happen chance? When I was younger I remember hearing in church that there would not be a person on the earth that wouldn't have to face trials in life, but that we would not get more than we can handle. I always wondered what mine would be. Would I get big, massive trials, or would I just have many small trials throughout this earthly journey? I recall thinking that the worst possible trial I could ever get would be to deal with the illness or death of one or both of my parents. I was sure then that was a trial I would never be able to handle. But interestingly, now, as I go through this slow process of losing my Mom who I love so much, I now know and realize that it IS something that I CAN handle!
I have cried a million tears, and probably have many thousands more to go, but overall I feel a peace about it all that I have never felt before! I never thought I could get to this point of acceptance and calmness. I really didn't think I could do it and never imagined that I would be able to hold myself together as I often have been able to do lately. I've always been a pretty emotional person, and especially when it comes to my family. Yes, I still have my moments of breaking down, but they are much less frequent now and much shorter lived. Every now and again, usually out of the blue, it will hit me that my Mom, the real her, my outgoing, talented, dynamo Mom is not here anymore, and that makes me sad.
The thought came into my mind the other day as I drove home from her house that her trial is now perhaps over. Could it be? Life is still not easy for her as I watch her pace around her house, wondering what to do with herself, and wanting so badly to get a job, but her insight is quickly leaving about what is happening to her. I believe this trial is now just ours . . . my Dads, mine, my siblings, her ward members and friends. Apparently there are still lessons that we need to learn! Perhaps we still have more patience to learn, or more compassion, or more empathy?
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| An oldie of my older sister, Dad, Mom and Me . . . Thanksgiving, 1970 |
My Mom's condition continues to worsen just a little more each week. She seems to be losing much of her insight and awareness and seems confused by most conversations. Her hearing is not great and her eyesight is not the best and I often wonder if it has to do with the disease or just that she is getting older? I'm thinking it's the disease! Unfortunately, when we go to show her a photo, she is not able to see who the people are, and often doesn't even look to the direction of the photo, but beyond it. She comments as if she has seen it, but I really think she doesn't. I have also noticed that when I've been on recent walks with her, she points out people along the way that aren't really there. It's usually just a colorful tree or something else . . . and she often confuses where we are and is worried about getting home on time. During conversations, my Mom will often ask what was just said and often repeats back what she thinks we've said, in confusion.
We got together today with extended family to have lunch and watch the last session of General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My Mom was her usual loving and happy self, as she makes comments and asks her usual questions like "Isn't this a good looking group of kids?" or "How is your family doing?" and "What's new in your life?" She seemed a little agitated though after lunch as we sat there watching Conference all together. She kept getting up and going somewhere and then coming back a few minutes later. Towards the end of the Conference, she went up to my Dad and said that she was really confused and wondered when she could go home. My Dad assured her that she WAS home and she got frustrated that my Dad was only confusing her more. "Yes Mom," I added, "you are home! You are probably just thrown off because of all these people here." I believe when there are a lot of people around, it does make the situation harder.
Oh my poor Mom! And my poor Dad! I can tell my Dad is tired and seems a little sad at times. He tries to stay positive but I can only imagine how hard it would be to deal with that on a daily and probably hourly basis with her. Of course he's sad at times! His wife that he has known and loved for 50 years is no longer there for him!
As my sister was leaving with her hubby and 5 girls this afternoon, my Mom asked me what her name was. She said that she should probably write her name down so that she could remember her name for next time. And then she said a few times, "How embarrassing that I didn't even remember her name!" That sister is the one who just moved back from being out of state for the last 5 years and so I assured my Mom that it was most likely because she hadn't seen her very much lately. I think that made her feel better!
My cousin came over to my parent's house today for a few minutes with her hubby and two little girls and the same thing happened with them. When they left, my Mom asked her name and then went to get a piece of paper to write it down. Although it was her brother's daughter that she used to know well, I could tell that she had no idea who she really was, although she cordially gave her a big hug. It was so interesting to watch my Mom write my cousin's name on a piece of paper as I told her how to spell it. She would pause with each letter and then scribble out something. The first name was not legible at all, but the last name was pretty good. It was nice to see that she can still somewhat write, but then so sad at the same time to see her struggle so much to write a simple name.
I want to remember something my Mom said to me about my Dad tonight. As we sat in their den, as my Dad was downloading something onto an Ipod and in deep concentration, my Mom and I sat there watching him as I tickled her scalp which she loves. She said, "That guy right there is a great blessing to me! I don't know what I would do without him . . . He came into my life at just the right time . . . He's been a great friend and is real nice to me!" Although she was talking about him as if he was hired help, I thought it was a nice thing to say. My Dad didn't pay too much attention to it, but I thought it was sweet!
So there's the latest update on my great Mom who I love more than words can express! I'm not sure what all I am learning from these experiences with her, and what I am yet to learn, but I know it's changing me forever! She continues to teach me valuable lessons even in this final stage of Alzheimer's disease!
